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She is the POWER of ATTORNEY. Pretty sure that holds her accountable for certain decisions. Although the Medical Directives are not necessarily a part of the Power of Attorney Role. By the sounds of it she is only accountable for the financials.
Based solely on the early signs of angst by the OP, its probably best for her to turn over any of her given authority to a person willing to perform the task of Tender care for an ailing elder. I've learned thru out the years it takes a special kind of someone to tend to another life and some how remain sane.
I'll just respond to one general post instead of trying to answer all of them. The social worker told me over the phone the other day that I am only responsible for financial business. I am not her caregiver, nor could I be since I live hours away.
My cousin has been difficult or impossible for years and has always turned health aides and other helpers away. That put her in a situation in which I was told that she would be put into a nursing home. Three years ago I intervened--I was her legal guardian--and got her off some medication that was affecting her memory. She was so terrible to me after that because I had "interfered" that I told her I would no longer be her guardian.
I have been out of the loop since then except for phone calls with her. Hadn't even seen her in person. Since I am her next of kin, a nurse started calling me a few months ago and asking advice, telling me that my cousin now had dementia and was doing crazy things. The nurse said that ongoing services needed to be set up and that now my cousin has forgotten how to pay bills so she needs someone to do that.
I finally agreed reluctantly to the POA. No, I could never be her caregiver even if I lived nearby as she is extremely difficult to deal with. I would go nuts!
The social worker is scheduled to be at my cousin's house right now. I expect to be receiving emails from her about what is going to occur in terms of help. She emailed last night that she wants to put together the most economical package we can get and it will be an agency that she is familiar with plus the elder services in the town and any other cheap or free help she can get.
My cousin's house will be paid off in three months so that will free up more money for services.
I have ordered checks from my cousin's bank and also received a notice that her mail will be coming here instead of to her home. (I went to my post office and filled in a form. (She never checks her mail--this started several years ago.) So first class mail--mostly the bills--will come here and I will pay them.
I'm trying to document everything. Keeping a hand written notebook, plus printing out all emails from social worker and future agency, and lots of notes kept on the computer.
I think the laws could vary from state to state. A few years ago I was the legal guardian for this same cousin and Protective Services was ready to put her into a nursing home. It seems that they have the right to do it if she's a danger to herself. I'm not sure I agree with that but then there's the possibility that she's a danger to others also.
Well, the social worker and an aide got her to throw out two huge black trash bags of food from the fridge. So that is progress.
I've gotten her latest bank statement and a lot of her bills are automatic withdrawals, thank goodness. I've paid her overdue car insurance and hope to buy the car from her since she can't drive anymore. That will help both of us--it's an older car but I know it's been very well cared for and this would put cash into her bank account plus no more car insurance to pay. Her nurse (back when she had one) said selling the car was first priority.)
Yesterday the social worker got a phone call from a neighbor that my cousin was out of milk so the social worker went to the grocery store (since she was going anyway) and bought the milk and also a pint of hot soup. Took it to my cousin and said my cousin gobbled that soup down!
Social worker is not charging for the trip to the grocery store since she was there anyway, but will ask to be reimbursed for the milk and the soup. Social worker has set up an aide to go on Tuesday to fix a lunch for my cousin and get her up and ready to go to the doctor. A volunteer from the agency will actually do the driving, sit through the appointment with her and take notes, stop by the grocery store with her on the way home, and then take her home.
Right now I'm in a dilemma of how to get money to the aide who is taking her to the grocery store! I called our branch of the grocery store and they said I could wire the money--but to whom? And anyway, unless I'm doing it from a debit or credit card, it takes four business days to wire it from her account to someone.
I may have to take a few days and DRIVE up there, hide a check in her house somewhere, and notify the agency as to where I have hidden it. That's all I can think of. After that, I'll probably do as suggested previously on here and just buy prepaid grocery store cards for her and get a debit card for her bank account.
If you have access to her bank, you should really obtain online access and just etranser money to anyone you want simply by sending to their email address or mobil phone number. Just go into the local branch of the bank and ask someone to show you how to do these things if you are challenged with the online instructions. That way you can pay them immediately and you have a good record of where funds are dispersed.
When my mother was still living at home, and we took away her car, I arranged for home delivery of groceries on a weekly basis. Just staples like milk, cold cereal, bananas, bread, some frozen meals (though she was beyond using the microwave, so her aides prepared for her) snacks, etc. I prepaid for everything and she always accepted the groceries, even though it confused her why they were being delivered.
Newengland, I am going through some issues similar to so you have my complete sympathy for your situation.
Would it make sense to get a PO box in the same town as your relative, with their name on it? Is there another trustworthy relative or friend nearby who could have a key and flag you regarding anything urgent she received.
If you have access to her bank, you should really obtain online access and just etranser money to anyone you want simply by sending to their email address or mobil phone number. Just go into the local branch of the bank and ask someone to show you how to do these things if you are challenged with the online instructions. That way you can pay them immediately and you have a good record of where funds are dispersed.
When my mother was still living at home, and we took away her car, I arranged for home delivery of groceries on a weekly basis. Just staples like milk, cold cereal, bananas, bread, some frozen meals (though she was beyond using the microwave, so her aides prepared for her) snacks, etc. I prepaid for everything and she always accepted the groceries, even though it confused her why they were being delivered.
I probably should do her banking online. It's just that I have to keep track of two of my own accounts online and her bank has a totally different system. Once I'm not so overwhelmed, I'll probably set up the online banking for her account too.
I could do what you suggest with having the groceries delivered but she likes getting out of the house and selecting things for herself. Likes to be In Charge. The problem is she is a food hoarder and wants to buy everything in the store. So this first week the aide took her and limited what she could buy. YIKES! In speaking with the social worker in charge, from now on my cousin will be allowed a little bit of play money in addition to money for necessities.
Newengland, I am going through some issues similar to so you have my complete sympathy for your situation.
Would it make sense to get a PO box in the same town as your relative, with their name on it? Is there another trustworthy relative or friend nearby who could have a key and flag you regarding anything urgent she received.
You have my sympathy too. It's a lot of ups and downs. And just when you think you have it figured out, something unexpected happens and you feel like you're back to square one. Kind of heart wrenching too.
What I've done is to get her mail forwarded to me. Her only other relatives are a brother on the west coast and a drug addict daughter whom she hasn't seen in years. The neighbors were wonderful to her but the social worker has told me that they really shouldn't have to be involved. She's gotten so bad that I think she was starting to drive some of them nuts. No friends as she has been home bound for a long time now.
I'm not sure that she can remain in her home that much longer but I have arranged for a once weekly grocery shopping trip (food that the aide will prepare) and a once weekly trip to the senior center, meal included.
You can order groceries online for her and pay with a credit card and have them delivered to her.
Why are you taking this on?
She has ordered groceries online and had them delivered for years until now when she can't even figure out how to use a computer anymore. She is sick of staring at four walls, feeling useless, and wants to go grocery shopping now to get out of the house and do something. She still has feelings.
What am I taking this on? She is my cousin. She has no one else. We are exactly the same age and we grew up together, like sisters. Of course I will do this for her, for as long as I can. At first I was very hesitant to do this and if it gets to be too much for me, I'll have to see if I can get out of it. But I won't desert her while she's still at home. They say she might go into a nursing home before too long and that's probably the point when I would try to bow out. I would still make trips to visit her though. When it's someone in your own family, you don't desert them.
I have just been given Power of Attorney for my cousin. She's been going downhill for years and is very difficult to deal with. She lives two hours away but we grew up together and were almost like sisters.
I went and stayed overnight--what a horror show! We met the new social worker from the agency. Wonderful person who knew how to flatter my cousin and they got along great--until my cousin started with..."This is MY house! No one is going to tell ME WHAT TO DO! I will DO what I WANT! YOU CAN LEAVE NOW!"
So the caretaker left. Then I fed my cousin the home made meat loaf dinner I had brought. There are "rules"--you can't cook there, you have to be perfect at all times, and now you can't ask her where her checkbook is--even though you are responsible for paying her bills. (That would be interfering. And anyway, she doesn't know where her checkbook is. Or her purse. Dementia is making her think people are stealing from her. The dementia is new--she was always difficult but in the past few months has lost short term memory.)
I feel like POA may stand for Prisoner of Attorney. My job next week is to get to a bank to order checks so that I can start paying her bills. And get the address changed so that her bills come to me. And be prepared to have her calling me up to SCREAM at me for taking over!
So, yes, we need to take care of ourselves. I think I am going to sign up for an art class.
I give you credit. I couldn't do it, my nerve bracket is shaky. That is why, after dealing with my brother-in-law who is mentally challenged and on SSI, I will never take him into my home even though I know my husband might say OK out of kindness. Because it will give me a nervous breakdown since he is hard to control. I can't live or interact with a person like that. I told my husband that when I die, he can do whatever he wants with his brother. But until then, he's not living with us, even though he cannot fend for himself, also I realized today after thinking about it, we can never become POA for him. It's either him (my brother in law) or me. While I feel sorry for him, and we are trying to help him, because of his attitude and resistance to suggestion, he's basically on his own.
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