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I am glad that you are standing your ground and letting people know how you view your cousin's needs. From how you describe her, it does not seem like even three hours a day will be enough services to keep her safe. Even if it is her wish to die in her home I doubt if she means "die in fire that she started or die by falling and breaking a hip and laying helpless on the floor for 20 plus hours or die by taking too much medication", etc. etc.
Good luck.
Amen to all of this. She needs more help than 3 hours a day and really that's the bottom line.
My mom would "love" to live in her own home, but it takes a team of people to meet her needs and to ascertain her safety. She can't and doesn't realize this but it's just the truth. Sounds like this cousin is in the same boat or will be shortly.
Amen to all of this. She needs more help than 3 hours a day and really that's the bottom line.
My mom would "love" to live in her own home, but it takes a team of people to meet her needs and to ascertain her safety. She can't and doesn't realize this but it's just the truth. Sounds like this cousin is in the same boat or will be shortly.
Exactly.
Today I talked to a lawyer who can't really help me but after that I called the elder services in my cousin's area and they emailed me a list of lawyers in her area and also free lawyers in case she qualifies. Also, they are going to have a social worker call me. I can resign from POA, although I sort of want to continue for a short time just to get her through upcoming cataract surgery next month. Maybe I'd hang on to sell the house and get her into assisted living, maybe not. It's really getting to be too much, especially with an agency that thinks she'd be okay with 3 hours a day.
I had a long talk with her brother who lives across the country. He feels the same way I do. He said he will stand by me 100% and that unless an entire staff of people moves into her house, it's not enough.
Thank you to the previous posters (I've thanked you through a rep but thanking you publicly too.)
Today I talked to a lawyer who can't really help me but after that I called the elder services in my cousin's area and they emailed me a list of lawyers in her area and also free lawyers in case she qualifies. Also, they are going to have a social worker call me. I can resign from POA, although I sort of want to continue for a short time just to get her through upcoming cataract surgery next month. Maybe I'd hang on to sell the house and get her into assisted living, maybe not. It's really getting to be too much, especially with an agency that thinks she'd be okay with 3 hours a day.
I had a long talk with her brother who lives across the country. He feels the same way I do. He said he will stand by me 100% and that unless an entire staff of people moves into her house, it's not enough.
Thank you to the previous posters (I've thanked you through a rep but thanking you publicly too.)
When I was going through similar to what you're going through, although I was knocked out (I am the only child) and lied to about my parents' situation, I had a good friend that helped me through it. It was a nightmare. My friend is single, not too well, but had to take care of her mentally deranged mother while she had to go to work. So we shared horror stories. One day my friend went downstairs to the kitchen (they lived together), and her mother was on the floor, eating crackers. She couldn't get up. Turns out she broke her hip, but sat on the floor undisturbed, eating crackers. So, of course, my friend called 911 and they took her to the hospital. In fact, she told me that while her mother was in the nursing home, she would wheel herself (that's how strong she was) into the patients' rooms and steal things like teddy bears and candy, etc. This woman was in her 80's. So the staff excused themselves to my friend when she visited with her mom, and apologized but looked under the mother's pillow and found a plethora of stolen items there! Such as jewelry, teddy bears, etc. :-) Just to let you know...
Yeh, I know it can get nutty. My cousin is nutty enough that without Alzheimers, now she's only going to be worse. I emailed the social services agency and they wrote back that they couldn't help with any sort of guardianship and to call Protective Services again. So they aren't going to help--I really think that since there is no more money in it, they're done! No money for them if she's going in assisted living.
The people at Elder Services in her town said to call the agency (so much for that, no help there) and to call Protective Services and if they don't do anything, keep at it. I think I have to get a guardian for her, someone to take over and put her into assisted living. Not sure how it works but the Elder Services were with me that she shouldn't be living alone. So that's on tomorrow's agenda. And I'll call one of the lawyers they gave me to see how to resign from POA. I want to stay for a while longer to make sure she gets through upcoming cataract surgery. If her house is sold, there will be plenty of money to pay someone to do this and for assisted living. Too bad her brother doesn't want anything to do with her, but as with me, it's her. She's hard to take even without the Alzheimers.
Unless she is approaching real blindness, I would skip the eye surgery. Without my loving and caring spouse and determined cooperation by me I would have scratched my own eyes out!
Unless she is approaching real blindness, I would skip the eye surgery. Without my loving and caring spouse and determined cooperation by me I would have scratched my own eyes out!
I know what you mean. I had cataract surgery.
It's too late though. The agency has arranged for a nurse to come in days before and days after to give her the drops in her eyes. We all know that an aide wouldn't be able to make her put them in. And there's someone coming early in the day of the surgery to get her up and dressed, and then a volunteer to drive her to and from. Then another volunteer driver the next day, and then the nurse again for a few more days.
But the agency did call today and said her DOCTOR has received the Alzheimer's diagnosis and is now demanding that she be supervised around the clock. Good. At least the doctor has done the right thing. I just don't know how she will be place--in assisted living or maybe in a nursing home until I can get someone to clear out the house so I can sell it. One step at a time, I guess.
It's too late though. The agency has arranged for a nurse to come in days before and days after to give her the drops in her eyes. We all know that an aide wouldn't be able to make her put them in. And there's someone coming early in the day of the surgery to get her up and dressed, and then a volunteer to drive her to and from. Then another volunteer driver the next day, and then the nurse again for a few more days.
But the agency did call today and said her DOCTOR has received the Alzheimer's diagnosis and is now demanding that she be supervised around the clock. Good. At least the doctor has done the right thing. I just don't know how she will be place--in assisted living or maybe in a nursing home until I can get someone to clear out the house so I can sell it. One step at a time, I guess.
Just venting today. So the head of the social service agency wants to get my cousin into assisted living asap. I am deluged with emails and phone calls from her. She has suggestions as to who will buy the house and I'm supposed to call them--places that will buy a house "as is" on the spot and make a deal with the assisted living place so that she can go there right away even before the money comes in. But I want to sell her house to the nice young couple across the street. They have been very kind to her for eight years! They invite her over to dinner and she plays with their kids. He has come up with the money and we can sell it with no commission, just real estate lawyers.
I think the agency finally realizes that my cousin is too crazy (always has been) and now, with Alzheimer's, the dr has ordered round the clock care, they aren't going to make much more money from her, time to send her off! It seems to be all about the money.
Last night there were 30 messages from my cousin on my cell phone. All were how depressed and lonely she was. The last few messages were the result of the Alzheimer's--that she needs her car, can't understand where it went, needs to go shopping. When I called her back, she just hung up on me.
This is what you get for helping. The nice neighbor called today to report that maybe she needs some aides coming in, that she was over at their house crying again. I called him back and told him that there ARE aides coming in. He called back later to report that an aide did show up today. He said that she is happiest in her home, which I know. Of course, he and his wife only see one side of her. Not the side that is up all night, climbing around in the garage or sitting in the backyard in her nightgown--has done that for years and that is not the Alzheimer's, just her craziness.
So when I talk to the neighbor who only sees the good side, I feel guilty about sending her to assisted living. And when I talk to the social worker who no longer cares, I get mad. All I want now is to find a place for her and hope the social workers will get her there. They will figure out how to pack her stuff up and transport it. I am hours away and anyway I couldn't stand to be the one who dragged her out of her own home.
I can picture myself going in after she's out and packing up a few more of her belongings, things that might have personal meaning to her. I could take them to the assisted living place and drop them off. I don't think she will ever speak to me again and I wish good luck to the workers of the assisted living. They will need it!
I'm curious how a social services agency have been 'making money' on her care thus far?
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So when I talk to the neighbor who only sees the good side, I feel guilty about sending her to assisted living. And when I talk to the social worker who no longer cares, I get mad.
I get that 100%. Similar dynamics for me regarding my brother and various people with different angles.
My goodness. What a mess. I am so sorry you're going through this. I have no advice - seems like you're using common sense, it's just a very stressful situation.
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