Help convince a reluctant wife to move from NY to Denver (buying a house, buying)

[Indigo Cardinal]

Originally Posted by WhatTheFox

Definitely sounds like a possibility. Perhaps even the OP hasn't realized it and hence no answer to "Why Denver" or "Why San Diego"?

I think that's a lot of what bugs me about the OP's many threads on the subject (I went and looked, once others noted he'd done this.) There's no, "I got offered a job for twice what I'm making here in NYC if I move to Denver" (which apparently isn't the case, in other threads, the OP has admitted he's just flying by the seat of his pants on that) or "My wife and I are both concerned about the COL and QOL in New York". It's basically, "I want to move to Denver. My wife doesn't. Help me convince her she's wrong." (In some of these threads, the OP has addressed the COL and QOL issues, but it seems his wife doesn't share these concerns.)

There's nothing wrong with wanting to move someplace else just because. I've done it. However, I'm also single, with no "I don't want to move" spouse that I need to consider--in which case, an "I just want to" isn't enough, the OP needs a more substantial argument, and he doesn't have one.

[Moonwalkr]

Odds are stacked against you. Also you can't beat NY teacher pensions.

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing

hey all, husband here. wife is very reluctant to make a drastic move for a variety of reasons:

1. family is in NY
2. she has a tenured elementary teaching job here
3. we are planning on having kids soon

as you can see the chips are stacked WELL against me - that said, i am curious if anyone has made a similar move and may have some advice and lists of PROS to put into my column.

at the end of the day, it's highly doubtful it will happen but a man can dream!

I made a move like that AWAY from Colorado. (1 month before popping #1 grandchild for each side)

Didn't sit well with soon-to-be grandparents. Spouse survived with plenty of coping skills and mitigation, but was not the BEST for entire family. (Grandkids can derive a lot of value from being near their grandparents.)

If DW has a decent job with potential pension, I would seek a way to stick it out in NY for another 15 - 20 yrs


PRO's for your check list... (I didn't see WHY you want to move to Denver, but I did not research your previous posts)

1) You get to do what you want to do NOW (eventually that may be very expensive and lonely)
2) You get to spend a bundle on a move (stimulate the economy, and take a year out of your life.)
3) You may get to meet some very nice counselors.
4) You get to see what your relationship is made of. (Especially if wife has to leave a good career to follow you)
5) You may find out how much your inlaws like you.
6) Opportunity to apply for jobs, find new doctors, car repair, new housing, wait in line at DMV

There are easier ways to ostracize your family.

[lovely40]

Originally Posted by WhatTheFox

No city is worth a divorce.

Agreed. But, we're talking about Denver specifically.

[Scorpion3510]

OP, I was in similar situation recently.


Got 2 job offers in Denver that would have been promotions. Wife has a good job here & would have to take a pay cut for Denver. Her family is here as well & we plan on having kids in the near future.


We talked it over and she was NOT liking the possibility of moving to Denver. With 2 job offers on the table, it was tough. Especially with my brutal commute in the Bay Area. I was not happy with the prospect of staying.


In the end, I turned down both offers. I realized that if the puzzle pieces have to be forced together then it's not worth it.


However, it did spark my wife into seeing that living in the Bay Area long term is not sustainable. She is now open to moving to other places that we either have good friends or family already in place AND she can make as much or more in her career.


I guess what I'm saying is don't force it. Talk to her why and focus on WHY you want to move. Maybe you both can find a mutual solution.

[Xanathos]

Originally Posted by WhatTheFox

No city is worth a divorce.

And no marriage is worth being miserable. I found this entire thread pretty interesting. In all of the "your wife likes it there, you should just stay!", not a one of you bothered to ask if he was miserable in New York. Which, for anyone who's spent any length of time in New York and can be completely honest with themselves, is an entirely plausible situation, because that place is just...it's a lot bit extra. This talk about reduction in pay just rings weird to me, because 2 of the 3 cities he's looking at are significantly cheaper than where he is now. This would be like someone in San Francisco claiming they couldn't relocate somewhere else because their gross income would drop by 15%, even though their cost of living would drop by 60. Some dude a few posts up actually flat-out made that analogy. Sure, keep holding out for a salary increase to move away from the most expensive city in the entire country, ignoring the salary level is where it is because of the area's cost.



Which means, all of these arguments might very well boil down to "just be miserable and stay where you are". What kind of BS advice is that? It's entirely possible the solution here is to simply acknowledge this relationship wasn't meant to go the distance, because neither one of you are willing to not make the other one of you miserable. The choice in 3 cities is pretty interesting, though. There's not a lot of overlap in the Venn diagram between San Diego, Denver, and Orlando, other than sun.

[ShipwreckSiren]

Originally Posted by WhatTheFox

You came, you gave it a shot and learnt that it isn't for you. Time to move on!

It really is. I'm glad I tried it. It's a great state with a lot to love for the right person. I'm trying to tough it out for 1-2 years to get work exp before looking for another job since I just started mine in Sept. I'm hoping my mental health will improve when summer starts again. If not, I may have to sadly leave sooner. Sucks because I love my job and coworkers but don't feel well here at all right now.

[Shaolin Shadowboxing]

Originally Posted by Xanathos

And no marriage is worth being miserable. I found this entire thread pretty interesting. In all of the "your wife likes it there, you should just stay!", not a one of you bothered to ask if he was miserable in New York. Which, for anyone who's spent any length of time in New York and can be completely honest with themselves, is an entirely plausible situation, because that place is just...it's a lot bit extra. This talk about reduction in pay just rings weird to me, because 2 of the 3 cities he's looking at are significantly cheaper than where he is now. This would be like someone in San Francisco claiming they couldn't relocate somewhere else because their gross income would drop by 15%, even though their cost of living would drop by 60. Some dude a few posts up actually flat-out made that analogy. Sure, keep holding out for a salary increase to move away from the most expensive city in the entire country, ignoring the salary level is where it is because of the area's cost.



Which means, all of these arguments might very well boil down to "just be miserable and stay where you are". What kind of BS advice is that? It's entirely possible the solution here is to simply acknowledge this relationship wasn't meant to go the distance, because neither one of you are willing to not make the other one of you miserable. The choice in 3 cities is pretty interesting, though. There's not a lot of overlap in the Venn diagram between San Diego, Denver, and Orlando, other than sun.

I was with you until Orlando. I’d never move there lmao.

[adriftinthebay]

Do you need the wife? If you don't have kids and want to go to Denver and she doesn't, then you must be willing to give everything up -- and that takes courage.

[Dreaming of Hawaii]

Originally Posted by Xanathos

And no marriage is worth being miserable. I found this entire thread pretty interesting. In all of the "your wife likes it there, you should just stay!", not a one of you bothered to ask if he was miserable in New York. Which, for anyone who's spent any length of time in New York and can be completely honest with themselves, is an entirely plausible situation, because that place is just...it's a lot bit extra. This talk about reduction in pay just rings weird to me, because 2 of the 3 cities he's looking at are significantly cheaper than where he is now. This would be like someone in San Francisco claiming they couldn't relocate somewhere else because their gross income would drop by 15%, even though their cost of living would drop by 60. Some dude a few posts up actually flat-out made that analogy. Sure, keep holding out for a salary increase to move away from the most expensive city in the entire country, ignoring the salary level is where it is because of the area's cost.



Which means, all of these arguments might very well boil down to "just be miserable and stay where you are". What kind of BS advice is that? It's entirely possible the solution here is to simply acknowledge this relationship wasn't meant to go the distance, because neither one of you are willing to not make the other one of you miserable. The choice in 3 cities is pretty interesting, though. There's not a lot of overlap in the Venn diagram between San Diego, Denver, and Orlando, other than sun.

You missed the point entirely.

The comments were not focused on how much more money the OP could make somewhere else. And the OP NEVER said he was miserable in NY. In fact, he never did say why he was looking to move. Rather, the discussions were more about why he was trying to convince his wife to move when (a) she has a good job with tenure, and (b) she doesn't want to move away from family.

It sounds like you aren't in a relationship, so maybe that's why you didn't mention trying to work on a compromise.