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We have worked with the school counselors, he has worked with a therapist on behavior issues, we've done family therapy, he gets tutoring when he needs it, but none of those things can make up for the fact that he was/is too immature for the grade he was assigned. We could not afford private school as an option. He is now in 9th grade and lucky enough to be in a much smaller, project-based learning public high school and although it's still a struggle, things are finally starting to turn around, but I feel heart sick that he had such a miserable middle childhood. It didn't need to be that way.
I hope the smaller class size and different format suits your son and he has a much better experience in HS than MS.
With the child in my example, I also had a child of my own born the same month of the year (diff years) and we had her start school a year older than my friend chose. What a difference this made. She was tiny, so always the smallest, but also often the oldest in her class. Just like you knew what your kid needed, so did we. She would have been eaten alive by the kids in the grade ahead of her if we had put her there. Instead, she thrived, excelled and all the good things and today is top of her program at university. And yes, I believe this has everything to do with when we chose to start her in school. There was talk a couple of years about skipping her a grade. Nope, not gonna happen.
Conversely, we have a son who was almost always the youngest in class. He was born ready. He graduated a year behind our daughter, but should have been two years behind her. They will graduate university at the same time.
All the best to your kids. Parenting isn't for the faint of heart.
No advice here. It’s a terrible idea. I can’t imagine any public school would allow a parent to do this to their kid. You could try a private school. Parents have this illusion that certain schools in a state are more challenging than others, but the schools have the same standards and therefore, teach the same content.
Big error in knowledge here. A friend with two sons moved a few miles and crossed from a large city school district to a large township school district. Her sons took over a year to sort out and catch up with the more rigorous academics in the next door school district. This was with two committed parents involved in their school work. She was floored with the difference in the school districts located next door to each other geographically. In Indiana.
Big error in knowledge here. A friend with two sons moved a few miles and crossed from a large city school district to a large township school district. Her sons took over a year to sort out and catch up with the more rigorous academics in the next door school district. This was with two committed parents involved in their school work. She was floored with the difference in the school districts located next door to each other geographically. In Indiana.
To add to this, take any typical urban school and compare it with any typical suburban school that is not "urbanized." Even though both entities attempt to follow the same standards, there will be vast differences in the knowledge that is actually taught and learned. Vast differences in funding, personnel, and resources available.
To add to this, take any typical urban school and compare it with any typical suburban school that is not "urbanized." Even though both entities attempt to follow the same standards, there will be vast differences in the knowledge that is actually taught and learned. Vast differences in funding, personnel, and resources available.
I'll go a step further and say it begins even before these. Expectations. I live in an area with three high schools, with our local one being the smallest of the three. Yet the parents expect high performance from the school. The school expects high performance from the students. The students expect their fellow students to behave and perform. And they get results.
It's not about whether all schools start with the same standards. It's about how much the school exceeds those standards.
I will clarify as I didn't describe it correctly in my original post. His emotional and social needs are not being met. When I wrote he is ok behavior wise at school I meant he hasn't had any bad outbursts there, no anti social behavior at school and other extreme things listed on the assessment form used to make a recommendation for retention. We would never let it get that far. However there are many other signs and changes that we as parents see in him. So the school sees his behavior as fine but we know he is not doing ok and we know it's not the right level for him.
I'm not clear what you mean by this, so am only guessing. My daughter was the youngest in her class in kindergarten--she's an adult now--and her teacher recommended that she be retained due to her age. I could see when I volunteered in the classroom that she was not on the same emotional level as the kids who were 9-12 months older than she, even though she could do the academic work. Retention back then was a huge stigma, even for a 5-year-old, but we did it anyway.
Years later a school psychologist told some of us parents, "You never retain a girl; girls catch up. Boys often do not." I remember thinking that it was too late for us to follow that advice, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. One really needs to look at each child individually.
Your son has already been competing against kids who've had the advantage of being more mature physically, emotionally and intellectually beginning in kindergarten, and you're right that it does and will continue to affect him in an enormous way.
Big error in knowledge here. A friend with two sons moved a few miles and crossed from a large city school district to a large township school district. Her sons took over a year to sort out and catch up with the more rigorous academics in the next door school district. This was with two committed parents involved in their school work. She was floored with the difference in the school districts located next door to each other geographically. In Indiana.
I can assure you I have no "big" errors in knowledge regarding educational practices or how schools function in regards to curriculum. The Indiana Department of Education sets the Indiana Academic Standards (https://www.doe.in.gov/standards) which defines which specific content is taught at each grade level. It is very detailed and specific. State testing is based off of these standards.
In addition, Common Core has largely helped to align curriculum across different states. I have taught in different states, and I can tell you fairly precisely what content any one school across the U.S. is teaching in each grade level in mathematics without even looking up their standards. I've moved my own child across the country from a very low-income school in the south to one in a wealthy suburb in the midwest and there were zero differences in the actual content being taught.
How rigorous a class is going to be can vary from teacher to teacher, never mind from one school to another. I've met teachers who had rigorous academics and others who did not in pretty much every school I've been in. There are schools in general that try to be more rigorous, but the actual content being taught is largely the same.
If you are at a private school, you do not have to adhere to these standards, but any public school will base their curriculum on these. As to why your particular friend's sons were behind I wouldn't know without more information. I've encountered many parents that had a big misunderstanding on how a variety of things work in public education and many who's impressions were completely inaccurate. I've met many parents that blamed their child being behind on a particular school when it turned out that their child just didn't do what they were supposed to do in class.
Emotional and social maturity at each age level has huge variations. There might be an average, but even within a class where everyone is born within a few months of each other, you will get drastic differences. Just think of the adults you know, are they all at the same level of social and emotional maturity? With kids, the variation is just as great, if not more so.
Retention should be based on a variety of markers, not just one. I've worked with a lot of students who suffer from mental health issues. Holding them back does not fix the issue or even address it. If a child has a low emotional maturity, putting them with others who are also on a low emotional maturity level does not help address the issue.
I can't tell if retention is in the best interest of the OP's child, I certainly don't have enough information for that. However, if someone is not good at driving a car, you don't just change the road and think they are suddenly going to learn the skills they need to drive.
We had this issue with our late November b-day son, in a district where cutoff was Dec 31. Kid was WAY ahead of the curve academically, but normal socially, if not even behind. Also significant ADHD. We moved that poor kid SO many times, but eventually, we wound up putting him as the oldest (when he was in 4th, we moved him from private to public and had him repeat 4th). Socially, it was by far the best thing for him. Didn't change his ADHD or other issues. But I think that he was happier, and he developed better social confidence, lots of friendships. That has served him well in life.
If I were you, I'd move him to private school now, in 4th, and have him re-enter public at some appropriate point (maybe the beginning of middle school?) in the grade he would then be in, having effectively held him back a year. Social intelligence is the most important intelligence quotient in life. He will do better as the oldest in his grade, from what you describe.
Thank you so much for your replies so far, very helpful.
I will clarify as I didn't describe it correctly in my original post. His emotional and social needs are not being met. When I wrote he is ok behavior wise at school I meant he hasn't had any bad outbursts there, no anti social behavior at school and other extreme things listed on the assessment form used to make a recommendation for retention. We would never let it get that far. However there are many other signs and changes that we as parents see in him. So the school sees his behavior as fine but we know he is not doing ok and we know it's not the right level for him.
So it is not due to sports, but social and emotional needs.
Got it. You’re his parent, and along with him, you are the ones who will be living with the outcomes of this decision, for good or bad, which is why this needs to be your call. As I said, your best option is to go ahead and put him in the private school now (as in right after Christmas break/Jan 2021) that will put him in the lower grade, having start there next year and complete at least the first grading period next year, then move him back into the public school. At that point they will be forced to put him in the grade you had him placed in. To make things more stable for your son I encourage you to consider having him completing the 21/22 school year at the private school, if you can afford it. Moving around schools, especially mid year, can be socially tough on kids.
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We have a son who is currently in 5th grade and one of the youngest in his grade. He is doing great academically and behavior wise however, due to several reasons, we are thinking about changing schools and having him finish this year as a 4th grader or starting next year as a 5th grader again (depending on the time of transfer). His new school would be more academically challenging than his current school. Both schools are in the same school district but feed into different high schools. Our son is on board and feels good about this change, likes the new school and even knows a few kids in the new classroom.
The process to do this requires our current principal to recommend retention based on the school psychologist's assessment. However, we already know that they are against it and would not recommend it. It is strictly based on his academic performance.
I have fully researched this topic. I know that preschool/kindergarten time would have been ideal time for retention. I can't change the timing, but my husband and I are certain that our decision is what is best for our child. How do we bypass our current school?
Can we simply unschool and not follow any official homeschooling curriculum - sign him out of his current school (that is about to transition to fully remote learning anyway), and then sign him up in the fall as a 5th grader at a new school. Would we be allowed to do that and do we have a say about his grade level?
We are also thinking about transferring him mid year to a local private school that is ready to admit him as a 4th grader. We are not sure if we were to come back to the district in the fall, what grade would they place him in.
Does anyone have any advice on the best way to skip this obstacle?
You say that the school psychologist must do an assessment but you already "know" what the outcome will be. In your later post you say there are issues that make you want to make the change. Before you try to change the world (or get yourself charged with neglect for not sending your son to school for a year) why not have your him evaluated by the psychologist? I'm sure your input into those things that are a problem to you would be included as would the desires of your son, as seen without your influence, which may not be as you see them.
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