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Maybe I'm off base here and tell me if I'm wrong. I've been a big saver my whole life. I'm 25 and have almost $100k saved between stocks, 401k, IRA's etc. I put in about 25% of my paycheck into my 401k then generally save about 40% of what's left over into IRA's etc.
I haven't had a real relationship before my current girlfriend (I've had three GF's in the past, but all three didn't last more than a few months and were in college when we were all pretty broke and there was a ton going on as far as student activities), so this is my first "Adult" relationship.
We met in November and started "officially" dating a few weeks later.
I keep track of my finances on Mint.com and recently started looking at what I've been spending. Over the course of the last three months -- almost $1,200, or $400/month.
I'm like.... whoa.
Now, I can afford it, but it's starting to "bug" me as I never spend like that.
Hell, I buy jeans at Goodwill, make most of my meals (which involved rice, beans, oatmeal, etc), and when I went out with friends, we usually went bowling or laser tagging and if we went to dinner, it was usually Noodles or a local burger joint for their week-day specials. Things like I've been meaning to get a new laptop for work since my old one isn't handling some of the new software as fast as it could, but I keep holding off since, well, my old one works. Or when I travel to Europe, I stay in hostels and eat in hole in the wall places.
It's like, $60/week for dinner "out", We meet up on a weeknight and grab Pizza/Chinese and that's another $20 much less if we actually do something, like going to see a concert, bowling, etc can easily be another $40-50 for the two of us.
Her birthday is this weekend and Valentines Day is in three weeks, so I can figure that's another $300-400 spent.
Idk. I'm just having a hard time letting go of all the money.
I would personally say tread carefully on the line of being "frugal" and just being plain "cheap". Relationships cost money if she doesn't hold your ideals... there's no "happy" way around that in my opinion.
You can't have a successful long-term relationship with a person you're not on the same page with regarding financial goals and interests. Either accept it now or wait until she takes half your assets 10 years later. I doubt a person who thinks eating noodles and burgers is going to dinner would spend $5k+ on a prenup.
I'm 29 and also have six figures saved, but I tend to be more loose about my money with rent and dating. I'm virtually guaranteed a very comfortable and early overseas retirement anyway.
Regardless of where you live, there are plenty of free and cheap activities, and your personality, not money, is what makes the difference between an exciting date versus a boring one.
You will end up saving money in the long run if you get married, because you'll have another working adult bringing income in. You could look at the expense of dating as an investment, even if this isn't the woman you will eventually marry.
Her birthday is this weekend and Valentines Day is in three weeks, so I can figure that's another $300-400 spent.
It's NOT the AMOUNT of money spent. It's whether you took the time to think about what would make her happy in terms of a present. It's not about MONEY at all. And if SHE says or hints that it IS -- red flag!
Is she even INTO birthdays? I'm not. So my boyfriend wouldn't have to get me anything. And Valentine's Day is a bogus 'holiday' anyway. I've always thought guys got snookered with that one. But they go along with it like sheep.
Only you know whether she is a potential longer term mate. I will say that how she feels about money and material possessions is a hint about some things. Is she into brand names -- just because? Does she think what she WANTS is more important that what she or you can AFFORD? Does she think, "budget? what budget?" Does she judge others based on money -- or how much money she THINKS they have or don't have? Has SHE made YOU feel uncomfortable about NOT spending money? Has she hinted that your always looking for "cheap" things to do. IF so, lets say you keep dating and you eventually think she's the one -- and she wants a 5K engagement ring. To me you should have seen that coming.
I marvel at all the guys I hear complain about the fiancee wanting a 5K engagement ring but the guy not really being comfortable with spending that. Well my question is: how did you get to this engagement point and NOT KNOW this is who she was, and this is how little she thought about YOUR feelings that she would press you for a 5K ring and 30K wedding?
It's amazing to me the number of people who have self esteem so lacking -- or -- are so forgiving to their own detriment -- as to over look MAJOR red flags about a relationship.
I'm not saying dump her -- you just started dating a couple of months ago. But only you know what kind of woman you want for a potential longterm mate. Or is that part of the problem you DON"T KNOW? If you DO know -- and she's not it -- or you start getting red flags.....keep it light, don't get serious.
It's better to just hold out for THE one. Of course you have to date to find that person. But PLEASE know YOURSELF enough to know you're WORTH, holding out for the kind of person you want.
I'd say that in a couple of months of dating you should know by now how she feels about some of the questions I asked earlier.
Even in a relationship, there is the honeymoon phase. After a few months, it could possibly be the time for the "talk". Tell her you are the kind of person who is planning for securring financial security and therefore are not used to spending so much on entertainment, and you would like her to consider thinking of things to do that do not cost money or at least limit what is being spent by either cutting back or in sharing the cost between you.
If she balks, then you have picked the wrong partner, and better to move on. I am a woman, and don't think men should bare the full cost of dates after it becomes a steady arrangement. In the beginning it is ok, since you probably did the asking, but once you commit to an actual relationship, then sharing is in my mind the acceptable way to continue a relationship. The world has changed, and today both woman and men enter the work force and have careers. Now if you make considerably more than her, and you want to go somewhere expensive then you paying for it is more understandable. There is always an initial expense to dating for men, but it should taper of as the relationship moves forward.
If she is not in agreement to this type of thinking, then perhaps you should move on as you are not on the same page. If she really cares about you, then she will enjoy just being with you and an occasional movie or a dinner out at an inexpensive restaurant once a month should suffice.
I agree with the poster above If you are looking for a long term relationship you need to look for those red flags, cause if you ignore them, and later marry, they will become much larger flags and the downfall of your relationship. Then you will learn what real loss of financial savings is.
Last edited by modhatter; 01-27-2015 at 01:01 PM..
It's NOT the AMOUNT of money spent. It's whether you took the time to think about what would make her happy in terms of a present. It's not about MONEY at all. And if SHE says or hints that it IS -- red flag!
Is she even INTO birthdays? I'm not. So my boyfriend wouldn't have to get me anything. And Valentine's Day is a bogus 'holiday' anyway. I've always thought guys got snookered with that one. But they go along with it like sheep.
She's not -- actually a lot of pressure is coming from my mom.
I asked her a few weeks back about her birthday and what she wanted to do. She said "nothing" and mentioned she usually goes over to her parents for dinner (and that I'm invited).
I was planning on getting her flowers and tickets to a Cardinals game in April when they're up here playing the Cubs.
My mom was saying that wasn't enough and I should get tickets to a dinner-theater show instead and should make reservations at some restaurant for Valentines Day now etc.
My plan for V-Day (she's actually going to be out of town that weekend for work) was to get her roses and chocolates and make a fancy dinner together.
I also know that "nothing" means a **** ton more than "nothing" when coming from a girl too....
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