Family vs. dream locale (relocate, back north, moved, home)

[Scooby Snacks]

Originally Posted by MrRational

Start packing

This.

[SoFresh99]

We have friends who did this to move to Hawaii. Which, while being a dream, presented real complications regarding schools, isolation, expense that would normally not be present on a random 1200mile move. We just moved 800 miles away from family to be in a known location and that was the right move for us, frankly things were grim enough where we were that a move to a completely unknown area would've been fine too. Your kids are young enough that they'll make friends (they haven't even started school- right?) and grandma will come to visit enough. It is far enough that visits will be a plane ride rather than a road trip so they will be less frequent but do-able. You can always move back in 5 years once the novelty has worn off and you've forgotten how terrible it was to pack and haul your life across the country.

[DubbleT]

Changing preschool would just be a blip on the radar, doubt she'd even remember it. How likely is it to be able to visit several times a year? If the money and time allow for family get togethers I'd say go for it, no reservations. If that's not possible I'd do a little heavy soul searching first. My kids barely know their grands, the kids don't mind so much but the grandparents do.

[nightlysparrow]

Note: You are NOT supposed to post duplicate threads. You already have a 2-page thread going on another forum:

http://www.city-data.com/forum/gener...-location.html

[bpollen]

That's a tough one. You sort of have to do what's best for you financially. You talk about a "dream." I think in terms of practicality. Locations, IMO, aren't dreamy. People are. Alone in dreamy New York is not as dreamy as being in hot, sweaty New Orleans with people who love me.

If it's best for his career and your finances, and the future of your children, to move, then that's probably the way to go. My first reaction, though, is not to do it. It will affect the children, even though they're young. 1,200 miles doesn't sound far, but it is. Your children will grow up not knowing their grandparents or their cousins. A sense of family (something I don't have) is something to consider seriously and very important. No one in the world will love and care for your children like family will.

The grandparents will visit. You will visit them. But that is not enough to establish a loving relationship between your children and their grandparents.

Will the grandparents retire to where you are? Assuming you stay there...maybe. But don't count on it, unless it's a lower COL and good place for older people (good weather, etc.). Or unless the grandparents are wealthy and the COL doesn't matter. But they might. Only time will tell. But they won't have the close relationship with your children that they would have, if they had grown up nearby.

I live only 400 miles from my family. My nieces and nephew grew up without me really knowing them. One of them has kids now that I barely know. It's expensive and time consuming to travel to see relatives, and it's not the same as living nearby and seeing them casually on a regular basis, or going to birthday parties, or taking them to the fair or the park spontaneously. One relative is now institutionalized for an illness. I rarely see her because I'm too far away.

Your parents may also need assistance in their later years. You won't be able to give it. Are there others to take up the slack?

OTOH, your family's financial future is critical. This would impact your children's education and everything else. I would put my welfare below that of my children. That's part of becoming a parent. But your family's financial future IS important for the children.

Adventure? I wouldn't call it that. It's a life changing move. Adventure implies a short term fun thing. This could be permanent.

Big decision. Would it be better for the children to grow up in the new place? Or your current place? Education, friends, exposure to the arts, job opportunities? All that a big city has to offer. Tell us waht you decide. Good luck.

[kokonutty]

Originally Posted by nightlysparrow

Note: You are NOT supposed to post duplicate threads. You already have a 2-page thread going on another forum:

http://www.city-data.com/forum/gener...-location.html

Someone is confused.

[Frihed89]

The kids will adjust quicker than you and your husband, if you are supportive parents. You will all be happy in 9-12 months after you move.

[aquietpath]

I know none of my cousins and barely knew my grandparents. Visiting a few times a year is not enough to establish relationships. I wish my father had not made the decision to move our family out of the state where so many relatives lived. Yes, we all made new friends but I always felt as though having an extended family around would have been so much nicer.

You may end up in your "dream location" but realize there will be relationships that will be forfeited. Only you can make the decision if it is worth it.

[lurtsman]

Hey OP,
My wife and I faced this decision (with no kids) a few years ago. We had already moved for education, so we weren't living near our family. We had to decide if we wanted to return to where almost all of our relatives lived, or if we wanted to move to our dream location -- which we knew a great deal about because I had spent over a year researching the country to find the best places to live.

We picked the dream location and we have not regretted it for a single day. It's been almost two and a half years since we moved and we are so glad we made the choice we did. The COL out here is lower than in my places and we were able to buy a very nice house, so we have a guest room all set up for when those relatives come to visit. Many of them have already came out here once.

In my situation, it was a new state that neither of us had ever lived in. Just make sure you understand what attracts you to the state and that you are correct about those things. For me, the dream was to move to the front range in Colorado. Some people move out here and then cry about missing the beach. It's really sad, given that it was [bleep ] obvious that there is no beach in Colorado.

I've seen others romanticize living in the midwest, but it seems that only works for people who grew up in the Midwest and didn't know any better. I haven't met anyone that grew up in a better area and then moved to the Midwest and loved it.

PS. To avoid being cryptic, the dreadful God-forsaken place we spent several years getting our education was in *owa. Yeah, I put an asterisk in. The state name isn't a curse word where you grew up?

[RVM515]

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate the thoughtful comments and hearing others' stories of going through similar situations.

We're still weighing the pros and cons, but our instincts are definitely saying to go and seize the opportunity (final interview is this week so it will be a week or more before we even know if he gets the offer). We may end up there forever, we may not, but we can't know if we don't try.

I didn't feel any particular loss growing up away from extended family, but I was so young when we moved it was really all I ever knew. I still felt close to my family. I was occasionally jealous that my grandparents could be there for those small but important kid things like my cousins' ball games and recitals. But I loved spending my summers with them (nice break for my parents too) and we always made the trek at Christmas which was wonderful. Some of my cousins and I were actually really close growing up despite the distance-- this was back in the days of snail mail and "are you happy with your long distance provider?" We still are to this day, even though we are scattered all over the country.

My parents are out of the country now but I do want to pick their brains when they come here this weekend. I wouldn't allow them to make this decision for us and they would never attempt to. But we are really close and I value their opinions a lot. I think they will have some helpful insight in this situation especially since they went through the same thing as a young family. We have survived many, many guilt trips from my in laws since moving here from my husband's hometown. That whole process was awful but we knew exactly how they would react so it was no surprise. Thankfully my family isn't like that. They want us to be happy, and I know my mom would be sad, but still supportive and excited for us And unlike the in laws, they like to travel and won't expect us to always come to them.

Unfortunately our destination is not a place people often retire to- we would actually going from the southeast to New England. (I know, this seems backwards to a lot of people). But all my extended family is up there in a bordering state so my parents are used to making the trip. And my brother has no interest in living there, but loves to visit. So it would not be terribly frequent, but I would definitely still see them.

Since we would moving from a lower COL area to a higher one, our plan would be to rent out our house here initially rather than sell it. Our neighborhood here is appreciating quickly and we would rent for the first couple years in the new state regardless. So in that sense we so have a bit of a safety net/ easy out if it doesn't turn out the way we hope it will.

Thanks again and I'll update when I know more. Whatever happens, the past few days have been a great exercise in considering what we really want in life.