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We've also been in your shoes, so I can definitely relate to what you're going through with relatives and children.
I definitely believe that you and your wife must agree to move or not move as it needs to be a joint decision. If she is not "on board", then you'll always be the "bad guy" to her, her parents, and the kids if anything goes wrong during or after the move. If you haven't already, write down the pros and cons with your wife to help in your joint decision. After that, explain the decision to the kids with the reasons why as well as the benefits to them. To help get them thinking positively about the move, ask them to think of other good things that can happen from moving (making new friends, exploring and touring new cities and states, learning about new cultures, traditions, etc). Each time we've moved, we've treated it as a new adventure...like moving to a new "extended time" vacation spot. Moving can be great or it can be awful; it is depends on each person's attitude about it even if a few things go wrong. The more positive attitudes you can get, the more successful the move will be.
About your in-laws, they're probably responding that way because of how much they love you, your wife, and your kids. Remember this even if their words and actions sometimes don't seem to be portraying that. Explain to them that you love them too and want them to come visit you. I also think that both of you should sit down with her parents to explain the reasons and the benefits for why you both have decided to move (if that's your final joint decision).
I also like your plan of letting the "house selling" being the deciding factor. After the house sells, make sure you have a job in the new location before you move. I know these may seem obvious, but as you know we are really in tough times and some people move without getting the new job first.
And, most important...pray to God about this. Moving may or may not be part of God's plan for you and your family right now. God may want you to not dwell on the negatives there, but focus on all the positives there. God opens doors as well as closes doors for us so that we live his plan for our lives. We just went through another relocation which included several years of praying and trying to figure out where God wanted us to be. Once God opened this current job "door", we knew it was His plan because our house sold in only one week after we put it for sale in a housing market that was already over saturated with lots of homes for sale, short sales, and foreclosures. I'll be praying for you and your family. God's blessings to you!
I just want to comment on the "God's Plan" - since someone brought it up. God's plan is for the woman to leave her home, the man to leave his home, and for the two of them to travel to where they become one - meaning they start their own home and their own family apart from their parents. I don't see the in-laws as being "loving", I see them as meddlesome. Loving parents who want to see their daughter's marriage succeed don't call and lay on the guilt trip about moving away when their son-in-law is at work or not there. These are control freaks in my book who aren't thinking about their daughter, her husband, and their kids - they are thinking about themselves and being selfish about it. I think it is unbelievable that the poor guy who is doing all he can in MI to make not only his marriage work, but also trying to provide for his family, has to also take on the additional battle of fighting his in-laws and seeing his wife torn between their marriage, their future, and her parents. Like someone else said, cut the apron strings and move on. I don't mean that the couple run away into the night, never to be seen or heard from again, or join the Witness Protection program; I'm talking about drawing the proverbial line in the sand and saying, "this is my husband, these are our children, this is OUR life, we have to and will do what is best for us." The person that needs to be saying this is the wife, not the son-in-law (her husband). This is an unresolved issue between the wife (daughter) and her parents. If the SIL, gets mixed up with this, then he automatically becomes the bad guy. I've known some marriages that went downhill because of meddlesome parents who couldn't respect the new boundaries that are formed when their children get married.
Who are people married to? Their spouse or their parents? I don't see guilting your grown adult children as being loving or anything resembling Christ-like behavior if we're going to bring God into this equation. I read a Christian-based book one time that said this: When it's your marriage and when you're raising your children, then you're IN the game. When it's your children's marriage, when they are raising their children, then you are on the sidelines. They need to respect that. However, I've learned that you can't control anyone except yourself. The daughter (wife) is the one that is also capable of drawing the boundaries between her parents and her family which consists of her husband and her children. This is one thing that she DOES have full control over. No one can butt in your life constantly unless you let them.
God help me if I EVER act like some of the in-laws that I've read about, heard about, and know about when I become a MIL
some day.
I've been incredibly blessed to have a MIL who has never interfered or butted into our marriage. She has offered advice and wisdom when asked, but has never tried to control us or our marriage. She is a devout Catholic woman; she has seen us through tough times and good times in our own marriage of 25+ years and raising a large family. She has prayed for us, has done whatever she could when we asked her to, but has never tried to control us. I'm so thankful that I've been blessed with such a MIL, and not like some in-laws that I hear about and read about.
I agree totally with the above two posts.....May I just gently remind us all not to go off topic.......please make sure we stay on the topic of "General Moving Issues".
I say gently because I also recognize that moving can be an emotional experience that impacts family and marriage. I concur with both the advice and the theology in the above posts.....we just have to make sure the thread does not evolve to one more appropriate in the Christianity or Relationships forums.
Donna7, I'd rep you again but I have to spread it around. My wife feels stuck in the middle, she simply cannot see the forest through the trees. Her parents are very influencial to her. She won't even speak to me now. Her F-I-L came up with the brilliant idea that I am brainwashing her into moving. Yikes. Makes me wonder "what's next". I would never wish my shop to close down, but if we end up staying it would almost be poetic justice if it did. I told her she'll have to go back to work full-time because there are no jobs here, something she dreads. Thanks to all for the concern, kind words and prayers.
TNKY,
I feel for you. I really do. My husband with my blessing accepted a job xfr to Chicago from So Cal...he left in Sept and came back the end of nov when I rented the house and we were ready to go...it wasn't ME who was apprehensive... it was HIM! Sure, neither one of us relished the idea of leaving 2 grandbabies under 1 yr old or our kids or friends or me, my job....Oh we cried and cried...and left right after Tgiving...but we have benefited enormously by being here.
The kids knew we needed to do this even though they didnt like it. Neither did any of our parents... but we're grown...so THEY had to deal...
We have made a 2 yr committment to being here...
Maybe make an agreement like that.
Do you HAVE to sell your home? Can't you rent it? That way if the move doesn't work you would be able to go back? thats what we did
Maybe for now just leave it alone...and speak with your wife when she's in being calm. Don't make her feel like she's taking sides. If her family has THAT much power over her you may be playing a losing hand....
We moved away from family 37 years ago. My mom hated to see us go, but she understood we had to go where the job took us. We were only 250 miles away. They came to visit when they could and we drove up there when we could. It could have been worse. We turned down Detroit and St. Louis and ended up in Tulsa. Since my folks are now gone and so is one of my brothers, I really doubt that we will ever go back to KC to live. It's changed too much and so have we. This is really something between you and your wife. Perhaps your in-laws see time slipping away and they want to spend as much time with their daughter as possible. I think the pro/con idea is good.
Donna7, I'd rep you again but I have to spread it around. My wife feels stuck in the middle, she simply cannot see the forest through the trees. Her parents are very influencial to her. She won't even speak to me now. Her F-I-L came up with the brilliant idea that I am brainwashing her into moving. Yikes. Makes me wonder "what's next". I would never wish my shop to close down, but if we end up staying it would almost be poetic justice if it did. I told her she'll have to go back to work full-time because there are no jobs here, something she dreads. Thanks to all for the concern, kind words and prayers.
We're all supporting you AND your family. I feel that I've spoken too much already. I hear what you're saying. I'm really sorry that your in-laws are making your wife feel stuck in the middle. We're all thinking about you and sending you positive thoughts. Wishing your whole family the very best. You are her husband- she picked you. She'll speak to you sooner or later. Sometimes, when people aren't speaking, they are thinking. She might be thinking about how to handle her parents. Hang in there.
You are LUCKY. Your wife is an RN and can probably find work in any large suburban area as hospital/health care workers are always in demand.
The fact that you have job offers in other cities/states is a god send in this economy.
Jump on the offer now while it is still on the table. Your wife will be happy when she gets a new job and the kids will come around.
You have to somehow get your wife to see that you and the kids should be top priority now, not her parents. They had their nesting years, it's your turn now.
The in-law onslaught sorta continued today (can you imagine I was at work?). This time it was the M-I-L who dropped by. It wasn't as bad as the F-I-L encounter the other day, which is surprising as she is far more angry about this than the F-I-L. To her credit, my wife stood her ground. Just to give you an example the M-I-L stated, "Didn't anything your dad talk to you about the other day sink in? Have you changed your mind yet?" Good grief, I thought, yet? My wife responded with a big "no" and went on to tell her we are not under their authority and this relocation could be, as LynnePatrice mentioned, a god send.
There was no yelling or my name being dragged through the mud, which was something else my wife told her mom was not appreciated. So, it was progress. My wife said she had butterflies when she saw her mom drive up our driveway, but she held her own.
If you fall over from a heart attack b/c of working 2 and 3 jobs and being under continual stress . . . how will your family manage then? And if the other jobs suddenly cease (god forbid) and you are sitting there w/ no job and no prospect for a new job on the horizon - are your inlaws gonna pick up all your expenses?
Somehow, I kinda doubt it.
My father was a minister. We moved when we were told we had to move. The fact that my sisters and I found that inconvenient or upsetting didn't really fit in the equation, LOL. And we managed to get through it fine and indeed, made new friends and life went on. I think it probably made me a more resilient person.
Your health is gonna take a hit from all this at some point. Someone needs to be thinking about that. Maybe you should remind your wife and kids that you are the breadwinner - and they should be more supportive.
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