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I agree they need to have a conversation. I also think at 50 years old, the daughter should be mature enough to broach the subject directly rather than make subtle snide remarks.
In this instance, as the OP has described, it looks like a case where the daughter disagreed with her mother's judgment on some occasions. These weren't malicious acts. She didn't humiliate her daughter, call her names or deprive her of necessities. I just have to wonder where it all ends. "You didn't let me go to that party when I was 13" Is that a cut? "You didn't buy me the dress I wanted" Is that a cut?
Is it fair to harbor resentment against a parent, not because they deliberately hurt you, but simply because you disagreed with a decision they made? I really don't think so.
This is not about things like not getting a certain dress or being grounded while growing up...this is about a parent that doesn't pay enough attention to know what their kids favorite book is and when it's pointed out completely acts like the child's feelings have no worth...even years later when it would cost the parent nothing to acknowledge a mistake.
This is not about things like not getting a certain dress or being grounded while growing up...this is about a parent that doesn't pay enough attention to know what their kids favorite book is and when it's pointed out completely acts like the child's feelings have no worth...even years later when it would cost the parent nothing to acknowledge a mistake.
But it is about these same kinds of things. Disagreeing with a parent's judgment over relatively trivial matters and holding it against them decades later is unreasonable. My mother made lots of decisions I disagreed with or thought unfair, and some hurt my feelings. In hindsight, as an adult, even though I may still disagree with some of the decisions she made, I see she was doing what she believed best. She wasn't deliberately trying to hurt my feelings.
My kids read lots of books. Honestly, I couldn't tell you which ones are their absolute favorites. I doubt my wife could either. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother raising 4 children(as the OP was) who could name all of her kids' favorite books. I don't think that's an indication that one isn't paying enough attention to their children. If I saw a book around the house that was beneath my kids' reading level, I'd probably just sell it in a yard sale too, without much thought. Isn't that most likely what happened here?
And while the OP is being dismissive of the daughter's feelings today, as she's almost 50 years old, there's no indication that she was dismissive about them years ago when these things occurred.
But it is about these same kinds of things. Disagreeing with a parent's judgment over relatively trivial matters and holding it against them decades later is unreasonable. My mother made lots of decisions I disagreed with or thought unfair, and some hurt my feelings. In hindsight, as an adult, even though I may still disagree with some of the decisions she made, I see she was doing what she believed best. She wasn't deliberately trying to hurt my feelings.
My kids read lots of books. Honestly, I couldn't tell you which ones are their absolute favorites. I doubt my wife could either. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother raising 4 children(as the OP was) who could name all of her kids' favorite books. I don't think that's an indication that one isn't paying enough attention to their children. If I saw a book around the house that was beneath my kids' reading level, I'd probably just sell it in a yard sale too, without much thought. Isn't that most likely what happened here?
And while the OP is being dismissive of the daughter's feelings today, as she's almost 50 years old, there's no indication that she was dismissive about them years ago when these things occurred.
I guess for people that have never experienced this or are guilty of it themselves there is no explaining...even if others have repeatedly said it's not about just a parent doing something the child disagrees with (no matter what the age of the child).
And believe me....if the OP is this dismissive of the daughters and step sons now....she was back then as well.
This is not about things like not getting a certain dress or being grounded while growing up...this is about a parent that doesn't pay enough attention to know what their kids favorite book is and when it's pointed out completely acts like the child's feelings have no worth...even years later when it would cost the parent nothing to acknowledge a mistake.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Mysterious Benefactor
My kids read lots of books. Honestly, I couldn't tell you which ones are their absolute favorites. I doubt my wife could either. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother raising 4 children(as the OP was) who could name all of her kids' favorite books. I don't think that's an indication that one isn't paying enough attention to their children. If I saw a book around the house that was beneath my kids' reading level, I'd probably just sell it in a yard sale too, without much thought. Isn't that most likely what happened here?.
My children were/are voracious readers but I can still name their favorite books at various times in their lives. Heck, as preschoolers/early elementary school most of their favorite books even started to fall apart after being read dozens, probably even a hundred times or more. Perhaps favorite books for kids 7 or 8 and above may not be read quite as often but you can usually tell their clear favorites (often seen in their hands, backpacks, nightstands, taken on vacations, etc).
My daughter's favorite book since she was a tween/young teen is a massive non-fiction book of about 800 pages. Even fifteen years later she still rereads the book at least once per year. My son's favorite book as an adult has been his favorite one since middle school. You would have to be pretty non-observant to not realize their love of those books.
My husband still has his favorite childhood book from 55 years ago and occasionally rereads it.
Perhaps, your children never had truly "favorite" books or perhaps you never noticed them (or paid attention to them) either.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-25-2015 at 02:50 PM..
But it is about these same kinds of things. Disagreeing with a parent's judgment over relatively trivial matters and holding it against them decades later is unreasonable. My mother made lots of decisions I disagreed with or thought unfair, and some hurt my feelings. In hindsight, as an adult, even though I may still disagree with some of the decisions she made, I see she was doing what she believed best. She wasn't deliberately trying to hurt my feelings.
My kids read lots of books. Honestly, I couldn't tell you which ones are their absolute favorites. I doubt my wife could either. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother raising 4 children(as the OP was) who could name all of her kids' favorite books. I don't think that's an indication that one isn't paying enough attention to their children. If I saw a book around the house that was beneath my kids' reading level, I'd probably just sell it in a yard sale too, without much thought. Isn't that most likely what happened here?
And while the OP is being dismissive of the daughter's feelings today, as she's almost 50 years old, there's no indication that she was dismissive about them years ago when these things occurred.
I remember several things my parents did that were upsetting at the time, and still, as a 40+ year old mother today, I still don't agree with. I had a long explanation typed out but it is really hard to explain without getting into a lot of specifics. Let's just say I see my mom in the OP.
Whether or not the parent hurt the child's feelings on purpose is irrelevant (I mean really who hurts their child's feelings on purpose?) It is the fact that the parent didn't pay enough attention to even realize they were hurting the child that is relevant. The OP didn't specify, but maybe the child asked for her book not to be given away, and mom did it anyway.
If you've never been through something like this, I guess it would be hard to understand, but I think a few of us have, and can see this for what it is.
If you've never been through something like this, I guess it would be hard to understand, but I think a few of us have, and can see this for what it is.
In normally functioning families, mistakes happen and feelings get hurt but the children feel secure, loved and valued so they move on. In many dysfunctional families, these mistakes happen more frequently and hurt more deeply because the child does not feel secure, loved, valued and/or validated. The parent doesn't necessarily mean to hurt their child, but just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean they're doing it right. And just because the parent did the best they could does not mean that the child who was hurt has to accept it or continue what often becomes a toxic relationship.
My children were/are voracious readers but I can still name their favorite books at various times in their lives. Heck, as preschoolers/early elementary school most of their favorite books even started to fall apart after being read dozens, probably even a hundred times or more. Perhaps favorite books for kids 7 or 8 and above may not be read quite as often but you can usually tell their clear favorites (often seen in their hands, backpacks, nightstands, taken on vacations, etc).
My daughter's favorite book since she was a tween/young teen is a massive non-fiction book of about 800 pages. Even fifteen years later she still rereads the book at least once per year. My son's favorite book as an adult has been his favorite one since middle school. You would have to be pretty non-observant to not realize their love of those books.
My husband still has his favorite childhood book from 55 years ago and occasionally rereads it.
Perhaps, your children never had truly "favorite" books or perhaps you never noticed them (or paid attention to them) either.
I think what you describe is a unique situation. Obviously, if a kid carries a book(or anything else) around or keeps it under his pillow, that's something important to him. If my kids did that, I would never consider getting rid of such an item. The OP hasn't described that as being what occurred.
My mom is like Winston Churchill who wrote the history to suit his view of history and so mom describes our family history to suit hers. My brother and I note and disagree in a nonconfrontational manner when appropriate because it is mom and she is quite the senior now.(although you would never know it with her energy) I actually was out of favor for a year because I contested her view some time back. Yes, Mom is a female Sgt. Rock.
No resentment from us. Mom was/is hard as nails and we have developed into strong males. I am thankful and appreciate the eccentricities in her/mine/our families character.
I remember several things my parents did that were upsetting at the time, and still, as a 40+ year old mother today, I still don't agree with. I had a long explanation typed out but it is really hard to explain without getting into a lot of specifics. Let's just say I see my mom in the OP.
Whether or not the parent hurt the child's feelings on purpose is irrelevant (I mean really who hurts their child's feelings on purpose? It is the fact that the parent didn't pay enough attention to even realize they were hurting the child that is relevant. The OP didn't specify, but maybe the child asked for her book not to be given away, and mom did it anyway.
If you've never been through something like this, I guess it would be hard to understand, but I think a few of us have, and can see this for what it is.
That's right, she didn't specify this. That would entirely change the situation. Based on what she did say, I don't see any reason to harbor resentment so many years later. And how many of us as kids were told at one time or another to change our clothes into something more appropriate? All of us? Of course we disagreed, and it may have even hurt our feelings. Being a parent includes making decisions that make your kids unhappy.
You have to recognize that our perspective at that time was that of a child. We have no idea what our parents were thinking or what they were going through and were too immature to understand their impact. We have to let go of these things.
Some of you seem eager to assume the worst about the OP. She said that their home was a normal, loving one and, based on what she posted, I have no reason to doubt that. The fact that her other children don't act this way tells me the problem lies with the daughter.
My mom is like Winston Churchill who wrote the history to suit his view of history and so mom describes our family history to suit hers. My brother and I note and disagree in a nonconfrontational manner when appropriate because it is mom and she is quite the senior now.(although you would never know it with her energy) I actually was out of favor for a year because I contested her view some time back. Yes, Mom is a female Sgt. Rock.
No resentment from us. Mom was/is hard as nails and we have developed into strong males. I am thankful and appreciate the eccentricities in her/mine/our families character.
Sounds very much like my mother/family. Her memory of our home life is a much rosier picture than any of us remember. As an adult, I can choose to resent her for every slight I felt, or every time I believe I was treated unfairly(and there were many). Or I can recognize that, despite whatever mistakes she made, she worked hard and made a lot of sacrifices for us.
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