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I have a feeling they aren't expecting any help from you in old age. Just a guess.
You sound really bitter. You chose to have a child with who you chose to have that child with. It's not your parents fault it turned out badly.
They raised you. You raise your child. That's how it works.
Get back to us in 20 years and tell us how things are between you and your child. Hope things are great...but something tells me it might not be the relationship you think it will be.
I couldnt disagree with you more. I also have these kinds of Parents acting this way to our child. You make it sound like, and you quote, "thats how it works", well maybe thats how its supposed to work in your world, but alot of our grandparents were very involved, but this new generation of grandparents is very me me me. I grew up with a certain view of how good grandparents participate with the grand kids, so naturally, I feel angry and betrayed when my own parents, and my wife's parents are so selfish. I cant wait to see my grand kids. I still have a min of 15 years (I hope anyway) before that happens
I couldnt disagree with you more. I also have these kinds of Parents acting this way to our child. You make it sound like, and you quote, "thats how it works", well maybe thats how its supposed to work in your world, but alot of our grandparents were very involved, but this new generation of grandparents is very me me me. I grew up with a certain view of how good grandparents participate with the grand kids, so naturally, I feel angry and betrayed when my own parents, and my wife's parents are so selfish. I cant wait to see my grand kids. I still have a min of 15 years (I hope anyway) before that happens
This "new generation of grandparents?" HUH? I know a lot more folks who are ga ga over their g/kids than aren't.
In generations past, g/parents were often retired. Most folks today are not able to retire as early as folks did in the past, b/c few people have pensions today as earlier generations did. That also has an effect on how involved grandparents are with their g/kids.
As an interesting sidebar: I hear people in my generation often voicing that they don't like their own kids very much b/c their kids are so ME ME ME. So that sentiment can go both ways.
Also, I hear a lot of folks say that their kids are way too critical about how they interact with the g/kids . . . and so they have resolved that by distancing themselves.
So there are many reasons that g/parents may not spend as much time w/ their g/kids as their adult children think they "should."
I really do not understand. My mother in law begged us for years to move to the same state so she could be closer to her grand daughter. She told me that if I moved, she'd be there to help me out any time I needed it. So we moved. It was a difficult move and took a long time for us to settle.
Ever since we moved, she doesn't want to take her grand daughter unless it fits into her schedule. Whenever I ask her to take her, which might be once a month to every two months, she says she has plans.
When Easter came, she decided she wanted to take her grand daughter to an easter party at her church. When I said "no" and that we had plans already, she blew up on me.
When I was sick a week ago, and needed help, she would not take her grand child to help me at all.
I got a note from her telling me she can only watch her grand child when it fits into her schedule. This might be every 2 months or so.
I'm fed up. I don't know what to do. And it's really hard telling my daughter "grandma can't take you" when she begs me to go spend time over at her house.
My husband and I were talking about moving back home, and when he mentioned it to his mom, she threw a fit and said I was taking her grand daughter away from her.
Stop playing games with your child and mother in law. She knows you just want to use her as a babysitter and not let the child spend quality time with her. And you are just being vindictive. Why??? Of you are mad at your husband, try something less dirty. He must be blind to not see what U R doing. The little girl wants to visit and you always have plans unless U need some help. U will pay years down the road. Karma, or what goes around always comes around. U will see.
I am in my mid-thirties, and my parents were and are constantly self-absorbed....i had nothing given to me, no college money, no lessons, nothing but a latchkey and a new father every few years...my own father could have cared less...my mother is now 67 and has the busiest social life of anyone i know..... We got the same spiel before the births; "ill be needing them several times a week! (chuckle)", now its always; "i've got plans" or she will grudgingly take them once everuy couple months and have her friends come over to watch them so she can socialize. Pathetic. Of course one can not completely generalize, but by and large BBoomers are the ME generation. I see it in all my friends parents too, this sick, materialistic culture is form fitted for them. I want nothing of it. I want my kids to want nothing of it. Most if not all of my peer group turned out to be the devoted parents we never had. Most NEVER put money or career first. We know what it did to us. Can you hear them defending it? How funny it is that we are the old fashioned ones. All is indeed cyclical. Shame on you people! Act your age! Stop coloring your hair and buying Harleys! You look rediculous. You are not young, clever and beautiful. Your TV is lying to you. But you already know that deep down, dontcha?
Please ignore this if you are a real grandparent, I know you are out there! If only my children could soak up your wisdom and maturity.
Stop playing games with your child and mother in law. She knows you just want to use her as a babysitter and not let the child spend quality time with her. And you are just being vindictive. Why??? Of you are mad at your husband, try something less dirty. He must be blind to not see what U R doing. The little girl wants to visit and you always have plans unless U need some help. U will pay years down the road. Karma, or what goes around always comes around. U will see.
Did you quote the wrong quote or something, or did you completely miss the point. I completely think missed every word here...she just wants her mother in-law to participate. BTW why cant a grandparent babysit and spend quality time....who cares why she wants her M.In law to watch the child...the grandparent should want to and feel grateful.
People who try to dictate how others relate to them are emotionally immature (and possibly just immature all the way around, lol).
Not everyone is thrilled about having grandchildren, especially if the parents have devised a "drive-by" grandparenting interaction . . . meaning . . . grandparents are supposed to show up for special events, be available when parents need baby-sitters, be thrilled to interrupt their lives on command - etc - in short, a very superficial relationship designed to meet the parents' needs, NOT designed to create a loving relationship b/n grandparent and grandchild. (Such relationships cannot be DESIGNED - they evolve)
Get a grip, folks. Your kids are your responsibility. No one gets to design how life works out.
Each situation is different, but the theme seems to always be the same when it comes to adult children complaining about their parents. Folks complain b/c their parents are not "performing" in some role that the adult child has designed in his/her head. Grandparents are supposed to do A, B, C . . . and if the g/parents don't fulfill that preconceived notion, then they are just lousy all the way around. They are selfish or they are self centered or they are cold, blah blah blah.
Maybe kids just get on their nerves. Maybe their daughter-in-law is a critical, mean-spirited b$%ch. Maybe the grandparents think their kids are irresponsible whiners. Maybe the grandparents have found that dealing with little ones is too physically taxing.
It doesn't matter. If you have children, they are YOUR responsibility. Life doesn't turn out the way we "envision" - if it did, so many parents wouldn't be divorced and fighting over their kids in custody battles. People often think they can "mold" their spouses into who they think they should be - and when it doesn't work - they part ways. Why anyone would think that it is appropriate to use those same tactics with grandparents ("be who I want you to be and do what I want you to do--my way!") and get better results than one gets when bullying a spouse?
Hire a babysitter and quit living in dream world. If your parents (or your spouse's parents) are not meeting your ideals of "a grandparent," so what? Maybe you haven't met their ideals of a daughter-in-law or daughter.
People who try to dictate how others relate to them are emotionally immature (and possibly just immature all the way around, lol).
Not everyone is thrilled about having grandchildren, especially if the parents have devised a "drive-by" grandparenting interaction . . . meaning . . . grandparents are supposed to show up for special events, be available when parents need baby-sitters, be thrilled to interrupt their lives on command - etc - in short, a very superficial relationship designed to meet the parents' needs, NOT designed to create a loving relationship b/n grandparent and grandchild. (Such relationships cannot be DESIGNED - they evolve)
Get a grip, folks. Your kids are your responsibility. No one gets to design how life works out.
Each situation is different, but the theme seems to always be the same when it comes to adult children complaining about their parents. Folks complain b/c their parents are not "performing" in some role that the adult child has designed in his/her head. Grandparents are supposed to do A, B, C . . . and if the g/parents don't fulfill that preconceived notion, then they are just lousy all the way around. They are selfish or they are self centered or they are cold, blah blah blah.
Maybe kids just get on their nerves. Maybe their daughter-in-law is a critical, mean-spirited b$%ch. Maybe the grandparents think their kids are irresponsible whiners. Maybe the grandparents have found that dealing with little ones is too physically taxing.
It doesn't matter. If you have children, they are YOUR responsibility. Life doesn't turn out the way we "envision" - if it did, so many parents wouldn't be divorced and fighting over their kids in custody battles. People often think they can "mold" their spouses into who they think they should be - and when it doesn't work - they part ways. Why anyone would think that it is appropriate to use those same tactics with grandparents ("be who I want you to be and do what I want you to do--my way!") and get better results than one gets when bullying a spouse?
Hire a babysitter and quit living in dream world. If your parents (or your spouse's parents) are not meeting your ideals of "a grandparent," so what? Maybe you haven't met their ideals of a daughter-in-law or daughter.
Family relationships are complex. Assigning blame doesn't get anyone anywhere. Folks should accept that human beings differ in their ways of relating to others.
There are many reasons adult children get upset with their parents in re: to grandparenting. Some adult children are upset b/c the grandparents "dont' follow their rules." Some are upset b/c the grandparents are not providing a "magical wonderland of grandparenting straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting." Some are upset b/c they feel they get "mixed messages" from their parents about the grandchildren. And it goes on and on.
What I find incredible is that adult children seem to assume that all parents are gonna be thrilled about having grandchildren. That is just nuts!
On the other hand, I find it really hard to believe that adult children are giving much credence to all the idealistic statements their parents may make BEFORE they actually have dealt with grandchildren.
The reason adult children may get "mixed messages" once the baby actually comes is that the grandparents may have had very idealistic impressions that they were harboring about "how great it will be to be a grandparent." Once reality hits, some folks find they spoke too soon - they are not so thrilled about the responsibilities that come with grandparenting - and that can range from the children making them very nervous, feeling overwhelmed and inadequate at their age/stage of life to handle the demands of small children, being concerned over the responsibilities, i.e., keeping children safe in their care . . . and there are many, many more reasons.
I don't think this should be hard for adult children to understand, b/c if most adults were truly honest, they didn't know what they were getting into with PARENTHOOD, either. The demands are so variable - from one child to the next, even, within the same family.
So why would new parents be surprised that their own parents may have made a lot of statements about "all the things they are gonna do" when the baby gets there . . .and then when reality hits . . . the grandparent/s starts waffling about how involved they really want to be?
As many have said on this thread . . . some people LOVE being grandparents and not only anticipate the role - they are in their element with the role of grandparent. But not everyone is that way!
Here is my advice to parents who feel the grandparents are not fulfilling the role they have envisioned for them as grandparents . . . LET IT GO. It is what it is! Why be angry? How many of you out there find parenting exhausting and scary and very different than you thought it would be? Maybe it is the same for your parents!
And here's the thing . . . your parents were responsible for raising YOU, but they are NOT responsible for your decision to have children. And if they don't want to participate . . . so what?
I have heard many parents say that had they known what effect having children would have on their lives (including finances, personal time together, problems in the marriage and so forth) they would never have had kids. Most people will NOT say that as they love their kids, even if they don't LIKE them some of the time. Very few people are gonna admit just how hard it is raising children (and it varies so much child to child, for that matter).
And few adult children are gonna admit that their own parents were lousy parents, for whatever reasons (from mentally ill parents, alcoholic parents, overly demanding/restrictive parents, inattentive parents, etc).
So why on earth would people assume that something magical happens when adult children start a family - and want their own parents to perform a role - that they themselves may at times be ambivalent about???
I know that a lot of people reading what I am relaying are not gonna "get it." By nature, people seem to want to assign blame, finger point, make someone the bad guy.
But here's the scoop. These are YOUR kids, not your parents'. It really doesn't matter WHY your parents are disinterested/aloof/disengaged grandparents. Accept it and move on with raising your family and working on keeping your own marriage intact.
When I was pregnant with my son, both my and my dh's parents couldn't stop talking about how involved they were going to be, how thrilled they were, etc.
Then I had him. I rarely saw them. When I called, they were busy.
When ds was 4 months old, we got an opportunity to move (Navy). We chose orders on the other side of the country. The reasons for this boiled down to this... I didn't want to hurt so much anymore, and I didn't want my kids to see their grandparents for who they really are. They begged us not to go... and we saw them more in the last 2 weeks we were there than we had total in the 6 months prior.
Now, we visit them, or they visit us (1-3x a year)... it's a BIG deal. They take time off work and focus on the kids. It's all about the grandkids. Calls, emails, etc are rare, though they are remembered at every holiday/birthday, etc.
My kids LOVE their grandparents. They say they wish they could live closer to them. They cry when it's time to leave.
They don't know that they would see them just as often if we lived down the block.
You were so smart to move on with your life and then let the grandparents figure out how they fit into things. It was upsetting your daily life to feel you needed more from the grandparents and they just weren't capable (for whatever reason!) of giving it.
Now, it is a peaceable relationship and your kids feel connected to their grandparents.
Family relationships are complex. Assigning blame doesn't get anyone anywhere. Folks should accept that human beings differ in their ways of relating to others.
There are many reasons adult children get upset with their parents in re: to grandparenting. Some adult children are upset b/c the grandparents "dont' follow their rules." Some are upset b/c the grandparents are not providing a "magical wonderland of grandparenting straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting." Some are upset b/c they feel they get "mixed messages" from their parents about the grandchildren. And it goes on and on.
What I find incredible is that adult children seem to assume that all parents are gonna be thrilled about having grandchildren. That is just nuts!
On the other hand, I find it really hard to believe that adult children are giving much credence to all the idealistic statements their parents may make BEFORE they actually have dealt with grandchildren.
The reason adult children may get "mixed messages" once the baby actually comes is that the grandparents may have had very idealistic impressions that they were harboring about "how great it will be to be a grandparent." Once reality hits, some folks find they spoke too soon - they are not so thrilled about the responsibilities that come with grandparenting - and that can range from the children making them very nervous, feeling overwhelmed and inadequate at their age/stage of life to handle the demands of small children, being concerned over the responsibilities, i.e., keeping children safe in their care . . . and there are many, many more reasons.
I don't think this should be hard for adult children to understand, b/c if most adults were truly honest, they didn't know what they were getting into with PARENTHOOD, either. The demands are so variable - from one child to the next, even, within the same family.
So why would new parents be surprised that their own parents may have made a lot of statements about "all the things they are gonna do" when the baby gets there . . .and then when reality hits . . . the grandparent/s starts waffling about how involved they really want to be?
As many have said on this thread . . . some people LOVE being grandparents and not only anticipate the role - they are in their element with the role of grandparent. But not everyone is that way!
Here is my advice to parents who feel the grandparents are not fulfilling the role they have envisioned for them as grandparents . . . LET IT GO. It is what it is! Why be angry? How many of you out there find parenting exhausting and scary and very different than you thought it would be? Maybe it is the same for your parents!
And here's the thing . . . your parents were responsible for raising YOU, but they are NOT responsible for your decision to have children. And if they don't want to participate . . . so what?
I have heard many parents say that had they known what effect having children would have on their lives (including finances, personal time together, problems in the marriage and so forth) they would never have had kids. Most people will NOT say that as they love their kids, even if they don't LIKE them some of the time. Very few people are gonna admit just how hard it is raising children (and it varies so much child to child, for that matter).
And few adult children are gonna admit that their own parents were lousy parents, for whatever reasons (from mentally ill parents, alcoholic parents, overly demanding/restrictive parents, inattentive parents, etc).
So why on earth would people assume that something magical happens when adult children start a family - and want their own parents to perform a role - that they themselves may at times be ambivalent about???
I know that a lot of people reading what I am relaying are not gonna "get it." By nature, people seem to want to assign blame, finger point, make someone the bad guy.
But here's the scoop. These are YOUR kids, not your parents'. It really doesn't matter WHY your parents are disinterested/aloof/disengaged grandparents. Accept it and move on with raising your family and working on keeping your own marriage intact.
This message is right on and Idefinitely DO get it. Since an earlier post, things deteriorated and my daughter and grandson are living with us. She chips in like crazy around here and is the one who is mainly responsible for her son, even though "many hands make light work" and "It takes a village to raise a child".
Before I had kids, I had played the "fantasies" of what kind of parent/grandparent I would be, once I had children. Well...things never did quite work out the way I thought they would. I ended up not being exactly the kind of parent I'd planned on being (pretty close though). Life circumstances and the individual personalities of each of my children, required that I was unique in my parenting, with each of them.
Because I "raised my kids right" (LOL) We (in my fantasy), were not going to be grandparents until my kids got their college educations, got good jobs, found a husband/wives, were happily married and had places of their own. Imagine my surprise when things did not play out as I had fantasized!
We all need to understand that, for the most part, each of us are doing the best we can with what life throws at us. We need to stop expecting others to live their lives according to OUR fantasies and wishes. There is so much ranting about others who are not living their lives according to our expectations, and how that is greatly inconveniencing them. It is not others' jobs to live their lives according to our expectations. It is our job to accept others for who they are. For every kid out there who says their parents aren't living up to their expectations.....look at yourself in the mirror. Chances are, your life probably didn't turn out the way THEY planned for it to, either! For THAT matter, THEIR lives probably didn't turn out the way THEY envisioned/fantasized that it would!
Again, we are all doing the best we can. What we need to focus on is being the best that we can be. Okay, so your child's grandparents aren't who you want them to be. Are you constantly being a good example to your children of how an excellent child should behave toward their parents? Are you grumbling, whining, or picking apart your parents? Is that the example you want to set for your children? Really, you need to think about it, because how you treat your parents is probably how your kids are going to treat you! Those children are watching, listening, and learning. The very intolerance you have for your parents is going to come back and bite you in the butt later.
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Grandma Problems
The little girl wants to visit and you always have plans unless U need some help. U will pay years down the road. Karma, or what goes around always comes around. U will see.
