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Old 06-19-2009, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,448,417 times
Reputation: 19165

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windtimber,
I agree with you. I grew up only having met my grandparents a couple of times. I don't feel that I lost anything or that they were neglecting us. My mother is an extremely busy woman, doesn't hire things done for her, but does so most of her chores at the age of 81 and has her own business that operates 6 days a week. She doesn't ask for help from her grown kids and doesn't expect them to take care of her "because they have family's of their own". My mother became a single mother at a very young age, then married and had a house full of children. It is difficult for some of my siblings to understand that she just wants to live....take care of herself and really is grateful when her kids make the time to stop by. She has a hard time calling them because she doesn't want to bother them AND by the time she stops at the end of the day she is exhausted. The phone lines work both ways...if parents want their kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, they should call them, not sit around whining because they never hear from them. Who cares who calls who? Some people seem to have such a sense of importance and entitlement that they fail to understand the need for their kids' grandparents to finally have their own life.

I have a grandaughter that I don't see. My son impregnated a less than desirable woman and does not see her. The mother is on the move (gets in trouble with law or evicted) all of the time but we would still see our GD once in awhile. She got to the point where she would lie and say she would bring her down to spend the night, but she didn't have gas money. (She lived about 90 mi. away) In order to see our GD we would have to give the mom $40 for gas. In other words, if we paid her, we could see her. Here's the funny part.....turns out, after being informed by others, she was already "down" partying with her old friends......and was calling us from HERE!! After discovering this information, we let her know on her last phone call, that we didn't have the money, still had 2 kids in school and simply were barely making ends meet. Lo and behold, we stopped getting phone calls and haven't seen her since. That was 2 years ago. We did hear from the other grandmother though, who accused us of NEVER wanting to be in her life, never wanting anything to do with her, etc.

On the other hand, we have a daughter with an 8 mo. old son born out of wedlock. She finally moved in with her boyfriend but is here every single day. I love my grandson and love seeing them, but she comes over unannounced, walks right in, gets ticked off if I have to go somewhere and do something and then whines about her fiance who complains that the house is dirty and "what does she DO all day"? I am busy like my mother....the main carpenter and the gardener at my home. She thinks I am uncaring because I let her know she needs to call first and that I don't mean to be rude, but I can't see her every day and can't get anything done when she's here all day watching tv and handing her baby over to me. This parent/grandparent stuff can be a real nightmare. Why can't kids understand that it's not like grandparents don't want to see their grandkids.....but they DO sometimes feel like they need some time alone.....need their own space. I, for one, have been raising kids for 25 years and still have 7 yrs to go.... I need a little peace and consideration. If my daughter actually helped me do some of my many chores around here, I probably wouldn't be so resentful, but she gets bent out of shape because I'm busy, yet she doesn't come out and even VISIT me if I'm working in the shop or outside, simply uses the computer and watches tv while her little one tears up my house. Ugh.... there are definitely 2 sides to every story...God bless grandparents
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Old 06-21-2009, 09:46 AM
 
3,379 posts, read 5,852,489 times
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When I was pregnant with my son, both my and my dh's parents couldn't stop talking about how involved they were going to be, how thrilled they were, etc.

Then I had him. I rarely saw them. When I called, they were busy.

When ds was 4 months old, we got an opportunity to move (Navy). We chose orders on the other side of the country. The reasons for this boiled down to this... I didn't want to hurt so much anymore, and I didn't want my kids to see their grandparents for who they really are. They begged us not to go... and we saw them more in the last 2 weeks we were there than we had total in the 6 months prior.

Now, we visit them, or they visit us (1-3x a year)... it's a BIG deal. They take time off work and focus on the kids. It's all about the grandkids. Calls, emails, etc are rare, though they are remembered at every holiday/birthday, etc.

My kids LOVE their grandparents. They say they wish they could live closer to them. They cry when it's time to leave.

They don't know that they would see them just as often if we lived down the block.
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Old 06-21-2009, 12:20 PM
 
2,278 posts, read 3,914,268 times
Reputation: 1996
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
My kids LOVE their grandparents. They say they wish they could live closer to them. They cry when it's time to leave.

They don't know that they would see them just as often if we lived down the block.
Same here. We felt bad about moving so far away, but realized that they probably see their grandparents the same amount of time as before, if not more.
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Old 06-21-2009, 12:47 PM
 
1,230 posts, read 4,228,956 times
Reputation: 488
I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I repeat what someone else might have said. It sounds to me like your MIL wants the convenience of having her grandchildren close by, but she doesn't want to babysit/help out not even once a month. I think some grandparents consider "being close" as "being able to see their grandchildren when they want" without the inconvenience or expense of traveling.

We were in a similar situation 6 years ago. We moved close to my husband's family at their request. They were thrilled and we thought it would be great for our future child(ren) to be close to family. Well the reality is that they enjoyed having us in town for get togethers and visits, but not once did they offer to babysit for a date night or anything like it. They are very nice people and I love them, but I gave up a long time ago on expecting them to help out in any way.

When a great opportunity came up for my husband, we moved cross-country. At that time (2 years ago), we gave everybody in our family a webcam and helped with installation. We have yet to have anyone agree to a time to chat online so they can see their grandchild regularly in between personal visits. I know a few grandparents who have a daily or weekly time set in their schedule to talk to ther grandchildren online--I think it's a great way to stay in touch in between visits.
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Old 06-21-2009, 09:13 PM
 
Location: NW. MO.
1,817 posts, read 3,801,189 times
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If your family... You, hubby and child would be happier back home, move. Life is too short for games and trying to please other people. Be happy!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Heart View Post
I really do not understand. My mother in law begged us for years to move to the same state so she could be closer to her grand daughter. She told me that if I moved, she'd be there to help me out any time I needed it. So we moved. It was a difficult move and took a long time for us to settle.

Ever since we moved, she doesn't want to take her grand daughter unless it fits into her schedule. Whenever I ask her to take her, which might be once a month to every two months, she says she has plans.

When Easter came, she decided she wanted to take her grand daughter to an easter party at her church. When I said "no" and that we had plans already, she blew up on me.

When I was sick a week ago, and needed help, she would not take her grand child to help me at all.

I got a note from her telling me she can only watch her grand child when it fits into her schedule. This might be every 2 months or so.

I'm fed up. I don't know what to do. And it's really hard telling my daughter "grandma can't take you" when she begs me to go spend time over at her house.

My husband and I were talking about moving back home, and when he mentioned it to his mom, she threw a fit and said I was taking her grand daughter away from her.

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Old 06-22-2009, 09:40 AM
 
Location: California
2,060 posts, read 5,747,619 times
Reputation: 2840
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
When I was pregnant with my son, both my and my dh's parents couldn't stop talking about how involved they were going to be, how thrilled they were, etc.

Then I had him. I rarely saw them. When I called, they were busy.

When ds was 4 months old, we got an opportunity to move (Navy). We chose orders on the other side of the country. The reasons for this boiled down to this... I didn't want to hurt so much anymore, and I didn't want my kids to see their grandparents for who they really are. They begged us not to go... and we saw them more in the last 2 weeks we were there than we had total in the 6 months prior.

Now, we visit them, or they visit us (1-3x a year)... it's a BIG deal. They take time off work and focus on the kids. It's all about the grandkids. Calls, emails, etc are rare, though they are remembered at every holiday/birthday, etc.

My kids LOVE their grandparents. They say they wish they could live closer to them. They cry when it's time to leave.

They don't know that they would see them just as often if we lived down the block.
Some grandparents are not comfortable with taking care of babies. Four months old is pretty young and to conclude the grandparents had no interest in them is very sad. Maybe when you called for a babysitter, they were busy. Grandparents have lives too. I'm sure they were very sad to see you move away. I have to admit, your comments seem a little harsh to me.
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Old 06-22-2009, 02:33 PM
 
3,379 posts, read 5,852,489 times
Reputation: 4654
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth56 View Post
Some grandparents are not comfortable with taking care of babies. Four months old is pretty young and to conclude the grandparents had no interest in them is very sad. Maybe when you called for a babysitter, they were busy. Grandparents have lives too. I'm sure they were very sad to see you move away. I have to admit, your comments seem a little harsh to me.

Nope, never called for them to babysit. (I chose to be a SAHM, and with my ds, especially in the first few months, I never wanted to pass him off... though I did, everytime someone asked)

I wrote a whole long post and then though better of it - I know the truth, my dh knows the truth and our parents know the truth.

My kids don't need to. In this case, what they DON'T know, won't hurt them.

Last edited by sskkc; 06-22-2009 at 02:53 PM..
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Old 06-27-2009, 10:22 PM
 
7 posts, read 6,756 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DotLib View Post
....***As a babyboomer as your claim, your response seems rather typical of your generation. Not every BB feels that way, its just that it seems that everyone with THAT attitude seems to be a babyboomer.***


See, this is what I have a problem with and that you dont seem to understand...this has been said about EVERY generation. Its peoples human nature. Maybe the reason that you say this, is because most of the baby boomers parents are dead!! So you cant hear them say it. But, I know a lot of them said it.
My parents are boomers in their mid-60s; I have one grandmother still alive and was lucky enough to have the other three live well into my adulthood. Not only do I remember well their involvement when I was a kid, but I talked with them about it when I got older. I talk to my grandma once or twice a week, and we still discuss these things.

My grandparents were a huge part of my life. Mostly the grandmothers, of course; it was still the 70s, women were still at home, and they still had the job of making family. But my maternal grandfather was a big part of my childhood, and I spent many, many weekends at grandparents' houses. Sometimes they came to us, too. We went to the beach together, we took trips -- actually my grandparents took me on my first plane trip.

My parents, grandparentally speaking, suck. My daughter's six; my husband went mentally ill and wound up on disability, and we divorced two years ago. I have no family nearby, and working plus child support just about keeps me and my daughter in a modest house here.

Both my parents are retired and well-off. Involvement from them? Zero. I think they both expect some cadre of women is going to rush in and make the family for them again. And both of them seem to feel some wild entitlement to a kind of retirement that...well, the money's gone, isn't it. That time in America's history is gone. But you'll have to pry their fingers off the 20-year retirement featuring cruises, nightlife, lazy mornings, bicycle tours, etc.

My mother -- a former stay-home mom who didn't have to support herself until she was in her 50s -- lives 1500 mi from me; my dad, 800 mi. My mother's met my daughter once, never calls, never writes. She sends my daughter present twice a year, usually $50 "to go buy something fun with". (I put the money away. I don't know what she thinks a 6-year-old's going to spend all that money on, anyway.) My father's been to visit twice and has put me off when I've offered to bring my daughter to him. He's too busy with local politics. He's never called or written to my daughter. Neither of them has any idea who she is. A few months ago he sent an expensive pink plush little chair with a matching blankie -- my daughter was kind of excited at first, but then she looked at me and said, "Why did he send me a baby chair and a baby blanket?"

It does not occur to either of them to reach out and help, to encourage, or to try to help stabilize life for a little girl who's already been through rocky times. Throughout all the craziness here and the divorce I've sent letters and pictures, called, told them about their granddaughter and our life here...nothing. And when I finally did need some help and asked -- boy, they just couldn't leave the scene fast enough.

In other words, they're both selfish gits. And I sure hope they're not expecting any help in old age. Because, you know, I'll be tired. I'll want some me time. I just won't have the energy to chase after sick old people and make all those visits to the nursing home. Feh, both of them.

Oh. Edited to add: My grandmother? Not only doesn't complain about the fact that I don't have money to come visit her, but she set up a computer and webcam in her apartment so she can stay in touch with her great-granddaughter. I offered to help get my parents set up the same way. No takers. They don't want the fuss, the nuisance.
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Old 06-28-2009, 04:55 AM
 
Location: Spring/The Woodlands area
228 posts, read 611,673 times
Reputation: 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarasmile67 View Post
My parents are boomers in their mid-60s; I have one grandmother still alive and was lucky enough to have the other three live well into my adulthood. Not only do I remember well their involvement when I was a kid, but I talked with them about it when I got older. I talk to my grandma once or twice a week, and we still discuss these things.

My grandparents were a huge part of my life. Mostly the grandmothers, of course; it was still the 70s, women were still at home, and they still had the job of making family. But my maternal grandfather was a big part of my childhood, and I spent many, many weekends at grandparents' houses. Sometimes they came to us, too. We went to the beach together, we took trips -- actually my grandparents took me on my first plane trip.

My parents, grandparentally speaking, suck. My daughter's six; my husband went mentally ill and wound up on disability, and we divorced two years ago. I have no family nearby, and working plus child support just about keeps me and my daughter in a modest house here.

Both my parents are retired and well-off. Involvement from them? Zero. I think they both expect some cadre of women is going to rush in and make the family for them again. And both of them seem to feel some wild entitlement to a kind of retirement that...well, the money's gone, isn't it. That time in America's history is gone. But you'll have to pry their fingers off the 20-year retirement featuring cruises, nightlife, lazy mornings, bicycle tours, etc.

My mother -- a former stay-home mom who didn't have to support herself until she was in her 50s -- lives 1500 mi from me; my dad, 800 mi. My mother's met my daughter once, never calls, never writes. She sends my daughter present twice a year, usually $50 "to go buy something fun with". (I put the money away. I don't know what she thinks a 6-year-old's going to spend all that money on, anyway.) My father's been to visit twice and has put me off when I've offered to bring my daughter to him. He's too busy with local politics. He's never called or written to my daughter. Neither of them has any idea who she is. A few months ago he sent an expensive pink plush little chair with a matching blankie -- my daughter was kind of excited at first, but then she looked at me and said, "Why did he send me a baby chair and a baby blanket?"

It does not occur to either of them to reach out and help, to encourage, or to try to help stabilize life for a little girl who's already been through rocky times. Throughout all the craziness here and the divorce I've sent letters and pictures, called, told them about their granddaughter and our life here...nothing. And when I finally did need some help and asked -- boy, they just couldn't leave the scene fast enough.

In other words, they're both selfish gits. And I sure hope they're not expecting any help in old age. Because, you know, I'll be tired. I'll want some me time. I just won't have the energy to chase after sick old people and make all those visits to the nursing home. Feh, both of them.

Oh. Edited to add: My grandmother? Not only doesn't complain about the fact that I don't have money to come visit her, but she set up a computer and webcam in her apartment so she can stay in touch with her great-granddaughter. I offered to help get my parents set up the same way. No takers. They don't want the fuss, the nuisance.
And your point is?? That it IS the baby boomers fault?? When you talk about what you will do....

"In other words, they're both selfish gits. And I sure hope they're not expecting any help in old age. Because, you know, I'll be tired. I'll want some me time. I just won't have the energy to chase after sick old people and make all those visits to the nursing home. Feh, both of them."

What are you teaching your daughter? Why not be the bigger person and set a good example for her. Ive said it before and I will say it again..your going to find some parents/grandparents that will/wont be active in your/childs life. There is good and bad in everyone. I just dont see how you can blame baby boomers for this. Its a cycle that has been going on. Im sure there were even dead beats in June Clevers circle of friends.

I just found out this week that Im having a granddaughter in November. I am so happy and excited. And, I can promise her, I will be there when she needs me..I will even be there when she doesnt. I will help my son and daughter in law as much as I can with her. I have a great relationship with both my son and dil, so Im wanting the very same with my gd.

When I was growing up, I had a very close relationship with my mother. My dad on the other hand, didnt know how to show his love for me or my siblings. We knew he loved us, but we just never connected like I think a father/child should. But, I dont blame his generation. My mom was of his generation too. Its just human nature no matter the generation. You have the givers and you have the takers, then you have those that are indifferent. So, dont blame me when you dont get what you feel you need out of life.
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Old 07-01-2009, 10:29 PM
 
47,585 posts, read 35,922,569 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
Maybe deep down she wanted you to move back so you would be there in case "she" needed family and not the other way around??
What an excellent point.

Family closeness isn't always all that it's cracked up to be. You can be emotionally very close but live many miles apart or some people like family nearby for convenience. Something to fall back on, people to do things they'd never ask friends to do or want to pay strangers to do.
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