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If the parents have been thinking of names for 6 months, and decided on a name that they are willing to share, then they might already think of the baby with the name as part of who the baby is. So even though I can understand why you would not want the name in your family, it may be a bigger deal for them to change it than it might seem.
I am also thinking that they still have three months, and a lot can change in three months (we changed the name of both our of kids once they were born).
[mod cut]as a mother and as a daughter, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to name my child the same name held by the person who molested my mother. I guess names don't hit all people the same way or hold unpleasant connotations. They do for me. People don't choose names for all sorts of reasons. Being molested by someone & shying away from "that name" is a good enough reason for me.
I don't blame you for the way you feel but at the same time, you can't force them to change their minds. In whatever way you can, please resolve your feelings with your son & DIL before this becomes something that overshadows your relationship with them and/or your potential grandson. The child shouldn't bear the burden of knowing that his middle name caused strife nor should it ever become something for him to worry about..not his fault.
Last edited by mrstewart; 03-15-2010 at 09:20 PM..
I guess we can never know for sure...but, I am very thankful that if I were in this situation, my dil and my son would NEVER put me through this. Im blessed to have a wonderful son, daughter in law, and new granddaughter. I wish everyone could be so lucky...
I'm sorry for what happened to you. I think your DIL is being a tad jerky. That said, you won't really ever hear the middle name after the birth announcements. The other day I had to write my son's middle name on a passport application and I had to look at his birth certificate to see how we had spelled it!
I'm sorry that this is upsetting to you. However, I remember how difficult it was to come up with a name that my husband and I agreed on, and didn't have a negative connotation to either of us. I understand that what happened to you was awful, but in the end, a name is just a name. I hope if they have a boy that it can be a fresh start for you and that name can begin to have a positive connotation to you. If that doesn't happen, maybe therapy can help.
I agree with pp's who said to try to let it go.
There surely have been millions of people with that name over the course of your life....I'm sure they won't be calling the child that name. 40 years is a long time to get physically ill over hearing a name...and I was abused as a young adult, so I do know where you're coming from...but you have to control your emotions...you don't let your abusers still control you after so long.....your grandchild will give a good meaning to the name....and when you hear it, you'll think of him instead.
I am sorry this is such a painful name to you, but it is very very hard for me to imagine that a name has that much power over you. I am not putting you down or minimizing the horror you went through or the trauma it caused. But when I read your post, I will tell you what came to my mind: What a terrible way to start off your relationship with a grandchild (and DIL) by making his parents' choice of names a big issue with you. This is not about you; this is about them and their first child. Seems you are in the process of creating hard feelings and perhaps even lifelong animosity over your insistence that everyone acknowledge your trauma by dropping the name they have chosen.
Think about it. All this drama - including your husband getting involved!
As a person - a wife, mother, friend, daughter, coworker, etc - You are a lot more than the legacy of the molestation . . . but it seems your life story has evolved around that trauma so thoroughly that you continue to perpetuate your anger about it by such things as feeling justified in dictating what your son names his own child - and then repeating your own trauma by taking on the victim role.
What you are saying is the mere mention of that name victimizes you again - and that by your son and DIL selecting that name, they have victimized you again. That seems irrational, to me.
I am not wanting to offend you - but you came here asking for our thoughts. My concern is for two things: 1. your longterm relationship with your son, DIL and grandson and 2. your own mental health, as it seems to me you have quickly slipped into a role of victimization again and that is not a healthy place to be.
As others have said, you may find you finally have reached some sort of resolution with dealing with this terrible event in your life by seeking out counseling to see how you can get past the mere mention of a name triggering these responses.
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