Upset over baby name, am I wrong? (parents, old, month)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am new here, just looking for a place to get some opinions. This is a sensitive subject but I hope everyone will understand without me having to give too much detail.
My second grandchild is due in May and my son and DIL don't want to find out the sex until birth. They have been discussing baby names and yesterday my DIL sent me their final choice for a boy name.
The middle name they chose carries a lot of meaning for me - in a very bad way. This is the name of a person who molested me as a child for several years. Without telling the whole story, I can only say that he stole my innocence and did some truly heinous things to me. All my life - almost 40 years since this happened - the very name makes me sick to my stomach. I have had a hard time ever warming up to ANY person who has that name, so repulsive it is to me. When my first grandson was born (to another son) I did mention to them that there is only one name that I utterly detest, and I told them a very non specific reason why (that someone with that name had done something horrible to me.) But it was not an issue. Somehow, though, I thought the word had gotten around to all my sons how I felt about it.
Anyway my son and DIL have just now chosen this middle name after months of trying out different names with the first name they chose. Up until last week they still hadn't chosen a middle name. All this is to say that it isn't a name they have had their hearts set on all along. It isn't a name in her family. It is just a name that sounds well with the first name and that's it.
My husband spoke to my DIL and told her the story and why the name would upset me. She is normally a loving member of our family - we have no issues between us at all. But she told him that they intend to keep the name. My husband commented, "well then I guess we'll be praying for a girl!"
My DIL emailed me and told me that she and my son are "sorry about what happened to you, but we already decided on this name and we are keeping it. We think you will learn to love it." She went on to say that she was hurt by my husband's remark about praying for a girl! She also commented that they particularly like the initials. But my son's middle name has the same initial and would go just as well with the first name!
I am just sick about it. First I am sick about the name itself and all the memories it conjures up for me. I can't stand the thought of a precious child that I love carrying the name of a perverted child molester! Secondly I am sick about the fact that my son and DIL have just dismissed my feelings this way. I never suggested what they should name their child and I never interfere in their lives in any way. I don't think I am out of line to ask that they reconsider. Am I wrong? Any advice?
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine how painful those memories can be.
However, it is a middle name...do they intend on calling the baby by the middle name? If not, then you may never hear the name. I rarely use my childrens' middle names unless they're in big trouble...
Just my opinion, but it's just a name...unfortunately names can be attached to bad memories, bullies, and just some downright bad people. If it was a first name, that you would hear all the time I can see where it'd be more difficult, but it's a middle name, and I imagine it will be used seldom.
Focus on the birth of the baby, and the miracle of your grandchild. Don't let a name get you down...and the more you focus on the name and the terrible things that happened to you, the more power you give away. Don't let the darkness of that memory steal your light!
I understand why you're upset, and if I were your son and DIL I would respect your wishes.
Why do you think they choose not to? Could this be their way of helping you to replace your disgust for the person who molested you with a happy thing, like a baby?
Perhaps they are trying to tell you that your need to carry around this baggage, and then drag them into it, is not fair to them and warrants some therapy.
I understand why you're upset, and if I were your son and DIL I would respect your wishes.
Why do you think they choose not to? Could this be their way of helping you to replace your disgust for the person who molested you with a happy thing, like a baby?
Perhaps they are trying to tell you that your need to carry around this baggage, and then drag them into it, is not fair to them and warrants some therapy.
All the therapy in the world doesn't change a lifelong connotation. I mean how many people do you know who would consider naming their child Adolf? Names are powerful and meaningful, there is no denying that. Names even carry a sense of honor - that is why it is such an honor to have someone named after you.
I will add, as well, that the person in question who did these things to me was a family member. I don't want to see that person "honored" by using his name.
Forty years? It's time to let it go. Seriously. Let it go. To expect those around you to tiptoe around you because you were traumatized 40 years ago is ridiculous.
It's up to them to choose the name they want for their son.
Consider:
Charles (Manson)
Jeffrey (Dahmer)
Jack (the Ripper)
Al (Capone)
Most any name you come up with, I'd bet there could be some awful person connected to it.
Your son and daughter in law like the name, and they are the parents now. Let it be and stop holding on to that memory so tightly that it dictates what other people name their children.
And your husband isn't doing you any favors by enabling you to hold on to that.
Bad things happen to people. It's what we do to get past the bad is what determines our strength.
This person had a great deal of power of you as a young child, and still does. Don't give your power away so easily...it will destroy your spirit.
I think your daughter in law is so happy right now, and it's all about them and their baby. Remember, there will be a new life soon; one that is full of innocence and wonder, and as his or her grandmother, you can be a light in his or her life.
Don't let someone's darkness steal your light.
Just an opinion, but as a mother, if my mom or mother in law asked me to reconsider the name because of their dislike for the name (whatever reason) I would be offended, too...not because we don't respect them, but because this is our time...our baby...time for new beginnings.
All the therapy in the world doesn't change a lifelong connotation. I mean how many people do you know who would consider naming their child Adolf? Names are powerful and meaningful, there is no denying that. Names even carry a sense of honor - that is why it is such an honor to have someone named after you.
I will add, as well, that the person in question who did these things to me was a family member. I don't want to see that person "honored" by using his name.
Names do carry a sense of honor, but it is only to you that name doesn't. Your son apparently likes that name. It's obvious that name is powerful and meaningful to your son.
I doubt very much that your son is naming his after this other relative. Unless that is the case, it is not honoring the other person at all, it is simply a coincidence.
Baby names do seem to cause a good deal of conflict in families; there's often at least one relative or another who has objections to the names that the pregnant couple has chosen. Your reasons are maybe a little more emotionally compelling than most, but nonetheless it's their child to name.
It seems that there was discussion over names prior to the final decision; did you ever tell your son the specific name that you had objections to? It's unclear from your posts whether you mentioned an actual name.
You're probably going to have to rise above this one. There is nothing wrong with quietly asking them to reconsider, which your husband seems to have done. Pushing it can cause rifts that you'll regret later on.
Lisalu,
I am so sorry for your pain. How awful that must have been. Was this relative an adult at the time of the molestation/rape? Were you the only person he was doing this to? I am concerned for your emotional well-being and I have serious concerns about other victims.
I'm afraid I don't have an answer about the baby name.
Lisalu910, I do understand your issue. I were once molested as a young child,4 yrs old growing up, I do feel your pain. I'm not sure why they are set on that name but I'm sure they are not trying to do it intentional. I would be hurt also maybe you, yourself should tell them of your pain and ask them not to name the baby that. Try to give them other names that is similar.
No excuses, said get over it and that she/he was molested also.. Different people deal with things like that differently. I am still hurting from that person. People have no idea how being abused/molested effect children in the future.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
