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My parents were 39 when they had me and 42 when they had my younger sister. We had several older siblings. Their life experiences related to our parents were different than ours, but not necessarily better. Our parents remained quite physically active throughout our childhood. My parents were part of a neighborhood softball league which included involvement from the children from time to time. That was one of the highlights of my summers as a child. I'm thankful for that.
I agree that my younger sister and I probably missed out on a few important things. Only one grandparent, a grandmother, survived past the time of our birth, but she passed away when I was five so we have very few memories of her. We also have experienced some of the anxiety mentioned in earlier posts of losing our parents at an age when we were still young. I've still lived pretty far away from my parents during the majority of my adult life. I do wish I could be with them more often, but I greatly appreciate the times when I am able to be with them.
I had just turned 36 when my spouse and I had our first child. I'd always told myself, when younger, that I'd try, instead, to have my children while still in my twenties. It turns out that everyone's timing is not the same and that, for me, I'm more likely a better parent now than I would have been a decade earlier. I know I would have treasured having the chance to have an additional decade with my daughter, but I accept and trust that the timing in our lives worked out when they did for good reasons.
My grandmother just passed. She was 95. For the past 5 years my mother had to care for her like a nurse maid. It was a 24/7 job and my grandma couldn't afford the care she needed. My mom was in her 70s and it was very difficult for her. She had to carry her around, bathe her, cook three meals a day, make sure she got her meds, and listen to the incessant complaining. It didn't matter that my grandmother had her in her 20s. The lesson for my mother was that she has no intention of doing that to me, so she's planning. Just as I'm planning. Where, exactly, does age come into play here if you don't mind explaining it?
You bring up a good point.
If there are only 20-something years between you and your parents, then they may become disabled just at a time when you are less energetic. If they are 80 and you are 60, it's going to be more difficult than if you were 40 or 50.
What the hell though ... people aren't magicians. They can't control exactly when they get married and have children. It happens when it happens.
Although, some women don't plan on having kids in their forties. My friend and her husband had their kids in their twenties. The kids were in high school, two in college. My friends were planning trips without kids, really enjoying the freedom.
Surprise!
This happens often. Women become more laid back on birth control, thinking they are in peri menopause, periods are intermittent, or non existent...but that does not mean they are are not fertile. Most women it is very difficult to have a natural baby after 43...but it does happen...
Although, some women don't plan on having kids in their forties. My friend and her husband had their kids in their twenties. The kids were in high school, two in college. My friends were planning trips without kids, really enjoying the freedom.
Surprise!
This happens often. Women become more laid back on birth control, thinking they are in peri menopause, periods are intermittent, or non existent...but that does not mean they are are not fertile. Most women it is very difficult to have a natural baby after 43...but it does happen...
It does. There was a family in my town that had seven kids, just as my family did, but while we are spread over 19 years (my mother was 21 when the first was born and 40 when the last was born), they had stairsteps, with the kids not much more than one-year apart at the longest.
When the oldest kid was 21 and the youngest was 12, the mother found herself pregnant for No. 8 at the age of 46.
Although, some women don't plan on having kids in their forties. My friend and her husband had their kids in their twenties. The kids were in high school, two in college. My friends were planning trips without kids, really enjoying the freedom.
Surprise!
This happens often. Women become more laid back on birth control, thinking they are in peri menopause, periods are intermittent, or non existent...but that does not mean they are are not fertile. Most women it is very difficult to have a natural baby after 43...but it does happen...
And when you have that "surprise" baby, think seriously about giving it up for adoption. I was the oops child and my life growing up was hell. Sisters were 14 and 16 when I was born and my parents were looking forward to some child-free years. I grew up knowing I wasn't wanted, being told that over and over. And I was the good kid, learned to read by age 4, give me a book and you never heard from me. I didn't get knocked up in high school, carried an A-B average, and gave them no problems, yet you'd think the world had ended upon my birth.
By the time I was 4, sisters were gone. By the time I was 9, they were back with their kids and, wonder of wonders, the grandkids walked on water.
It took me a lot of years after I left home at 16 (graduated and moved out the same day) to develop some self esteem and realize I really wasn't the dog dirt on their shoes. I just have to wonder how much better my life might have been had they given me up for adoption (abortion wasn't an option in 1954) to parents who really wanted a child.
My mom had me when she was 40....Im 26 now, married, graduated college with close to a 4.0, and we're soon buying our first home. She and I had our rough spots (I was a crazy teenager....not drug crazy,just hellion crazy), but Id rip someone to shreds over her....Our new home has a guest bedroom just in case she ever needs it. She's now like my very best friend and Id do anything for her.
I do not want children, but that has nothing to do with my mother being older when she had me, and I am happy I will be able to help and provide for her and Dad unencumbered as time goes along. I dont think age has much to do with anyone having children, its a coin toss just the same as if someone was younger as to the temperment of the parent. Just my opinion.
I'm biased in favor of older parents. My mother was 40 when I was born and is still alive even though I am 53. My father died a few years ago, but I was almost 50 at his death which occurred when he was 84. It helps to be from a culture where there are many women who get pregnant at older ages. I never felt weird or unusual. I could point to other parents who had given birth to my friends at similar ages.
I adopted my son when I was 32. I adopted my daughter at 39. My wife is one year younger than I am. Because we are older parents we are able to afford things that many people cannot. For example, on Thursday, I'm taking my daughter on a short trip to Disneyland. We are not stressed for money. We have money to pay for our children to go to college. Our children may be spoiled occasionally, but they are not spoiled rotten.
I am quite physically active and I regularly take my daughter hiking and skiing. I grew up camping in a tent and I still do some of this most summers.
I do not judge younger parents--if they are able to support a family. However, my personal preference is for older parents. Part of being an older parent is just "attitude". There are times when your body hurts a bit, but you make yourself do physically demanding things to build rapport with your children. It also turns out, its generally good for your own physical health as well.
I suspect we older parents take better care of our health and see the doctor more often when we sense something is wrong. Its all part of determination to "be there" to see our children graduate high school, get married, and start a family.
I have a buddy who is 34 and his son just turned 3. At 34, he's already physically broke, he's blown out his knee twice, broken his back, multiple concussions, has had a stroke, gall bladder removed, smokes, drinks and works in the trades so his work is physical. I told him a couple months ago that going at this rate, he's not going to last even a few more years. My fear for him is that he's going to be that dad who when his kid hits 15+, my buddy is going to be that completely broke 46 year old guy who can't play catch or participate in any activities with his son. I know it'll break his heart but he does nothing to make his health better.
I'm 34 as well, my fiance is 37 and neither of us have kids. One of my fears is that I physically won't be there when we have kids, that we'll be closer to grandparent age by the time our kids are in high school.
Im sorry your particular growing up was like that but in all honesty I dont believe it had anything to do with being fortyish. My parents were only thirty five and thirty six and my dad had plenty of energy, he worked fulltime of course and when at home he would talk with us at dinner, go on walks with us, and weekends he would sometimes take us places and spend time w us, we werent deprived. My mom although plenty young just wasnt into playing w us, she took care of us but was never one to engage in our childhood games. I recall in summer she would take us to the pool and we spent the days there but she always chose to sit poolside w many other parents, and it was just how it was. Somtimes i felt she should engage w us more but at the same time im glad we werent raised to be ' child centered', us kids when with her especialy were expected to play w other kids ans our parents, esp my mom did ' grown up stuff'. I dont mid thirties or fortyish as old by any means, it would be diferent if you said your parents were in their sixties but even then i would feel like in alot of people it has alot to do w beliefs such as my thirtyish mom who just didnt believe parents job was to play w their kids. In fact somtimes older parents have built in perks
I knew one girl who in grade school her dad was alredy retired, her mon was only in her forties and looked more like a thirty yr old. Her retired dad got to pick her up every day and take her to the park or a movie and somtimes he woukd take me along and wed go to the farmers market or an outdoor music event. I was envious bc my dad was always at work in normal school hours. He was in his early 70s and didnt let him miss out on alot of hands on fun time and just doing stuff. His older age didnt become an issue as far as how much activity he could do in fact until she was about 16 or 17 but eh he still at that age was more of a caring involved dad than alot of dads half his age. So what if he couldnt run a race ,he still would take her to do activities w her.
I do absolutely believe that there's an age where one should stop intentionally trying to conceive a baby, but this is actually directed more at men more than women. Granted, technology has done wonders for extending a woman's fertile years, but for the most part, conceiving in any manner past their mid-40s is very hard for the grand majority of women. Is mid-40s too old? Maybe so, but with the longer lives (and better lives for longer) that people are achieving these days, I don't know. A child born today to parents in their mid-40s is likely to have a very different parenting and life experience than a child born to parents in their mid-40s even a few decades ago.
However, I read more and more about men (celebrity and not) who are fathering children in their 50s and 60s. A lot of times, these men are on their second or third wives, and these wives are substantially younger than they are. Which is fine. Totally fine. But children should not be part of that equation. I know that anything can happen to anyone at anytime, and that a healthy 30 year old could get hit by a bus and die, whereas a 60 year old could live to be 100 and running marathons the whole time. But statistically? Bringing a child into the world at the age of 60 makes it a lot more likely to leave the younger spouse as a single parent and the kid without a dad.
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