Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I lost my ex boyfriend to suicide a little over four years ago. I honestly thought I've dealt with all the roller coaster of emotions a long time ago. I even moved on to another meaningful relationship. But I have to say that "triggers" are still everywhere for me. If I heard an insensitive comment from people, I am able to walk away or simply ignore them. Not many people understand mental illnesses or suicide. There are still gross stigma associate with that word "suicide" I understand the norm of society. But I still cannot be able to deal with people sometimes. I still sometimes feel like I am just an alien trying to blend in the society. There are happy go lucky normal people, and here is me.
I am very irritated by people's nice words to be completely honest. I feel the so called "nice words" hurt the most.
For example, I don't like to hear "He's in a better place now." "God won't give you anything more than you can handle." "everything happens for a reason." "wow, you are so strong."
You see, I simply cannot make sense of the above statement. I know people try to make me feel better. But these words really don't help.
Suicide just doesn't make any sense to me, how am I going to accept "suicide happens for a reason ?" Doesn't make any sense. "God will never give you something you cannot handle." Well, God obviously gave my ex boyfriend something he couldn't handle! "You are a very strong person." DUH, I don't want to be strong, I have to. I have no choice.
Am I being unreasonable here? I know people try to help me but all these nice words seem like meaningless cliche.
Did I really get through grief? Why am I still so sensitive toward people's words? I am very confused. I appreciate some insights and advice.
Lily, I have no answers - but I ask an honest question:
What would you have preferred people say?
I ask because a dear family friend's son just committed suicide. We are grieving with them, but I have no words to express my deep and profound sorrow for this wonderful family. And I have no idea what to say, although the examples you've given haven't crossed my mind. All I've been able to utter is "I'm so very sorry, I'm so very sorry". I feel like that's a cliche in itself....of course I'm sorry, now I need to say something that will mean something....anything....to the parents left behind.
Was there anything that anyone said that helped at all?
I think people are trying to be supportive, but like myself, there is so much sorrow that we almost babble in an effort to be of comfort and fill in the very wide gaps in conversation. And I know nothing I can say can even begin to ease the pain and dry the tears, or answer the questions they have. Nothing.
You are sensitive because you are still in pain over such a significant loss in your life, and I suppose it could take years before that eases up. When I lost my mother at 17, I heard the same things. And it still irritates me some 39 years later, I still think it was a significant loss, and no - I don't think "it was her time". It will never, ever make sense to me....and if I had the added confusion of why she left voluntarily, I don't know that I could ever move past it at all.
I feel for you - but I am asking what you feel is the appropriate expression in order not to hurt someone any more, and possibly even give the tiniest bit of comfort? I can't think of anything at all.....but you've been there and you know.
Lily, I have no answers - but I ask an honest question:
What would you have preferred people say?
I ask because a dear family friend's son just committed suicide. We are grieving with them, but I have no words to express my deep and profound sorrow for this wonderful family. And I have no idea what to say, although the examples you've given haven't crossed my mind. All I've been able to utter is "I'm so very sorry, I'm so very sorry". I feel like that's a cliche in itself....of course I'm sorry, now I need to say something that will mean something....anything....to the parents left behind.
Was there anything that anyone said that helped at all?
I think people are trying to be supportive, but like myself, there is so much sorrow that we almost babble in an effort to be of comfort and fill in the very wide gaps in conversation. And I know nothing I can say can even begin to ease the pain and dry the tears, or answer the questions they have. Nothing.
You are sensitive because you are still in pain over such a significant loss in your life, and I suppose it could take years before that eases up. When I lost my mother at 17, I heard the same things. And it still irritates me some 39 years later, I still think it was a significant loss, and no - I don't think "it was her time". It will never, ever make sense to me....and if I had the added confusion of why she left voluntarily, I don't know that I could ever move past it at all.
I feel for you - but I am asking what you feel is the appropriate expression in order not to hurt someone any more, and possibly even give the tiniest bit of comfort? I can't think of anything at all.....but you've been there and you know.
Peace to you.
Dear Sam,
Thank you so much for responding.
I am saddened to hear about your friend's son, I KNOW life will be like living hell for this wonderful family. I really wish there is something I can do for them. I pray that they can give life a fighting chance.
I belong to a suicide survivor support group. We have many parents lost their sons and daughters to suicide, I can tell you that right now, you are right, there are absolutely nothing a person can say would have made any differences.
You asked me a very good question, "what do you want people to say?" You know the honest answer is "I don't know either." But I certainly know what I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear that my loved one is selfish, cruel, I also don't want to hear about God. I am sorry if I sounded very judgmental, I am only being honest here.
What I want to hear is simply, "I am here for you." and mean it. I say "mean it" because many people say things for the sake of saying it. For example, my so called friends disappeared after two twenty minutes phone calls. Some of them tell me " You are not the only one have problems." WOW, yes, I AM the ONLY one who lost somebody to suicide believe it or not. Yes, I am the only one.
To us survivors, anger is a very common emotion and it really comes and goes, but it will never truly go away. To tell me suicide grief is like "normal" (for lack of a better word) grief just does not make any sense to me. In my support group, many folks decided to hide the fact that their loved ones committed suicide. We all know what society think about our loved ones.
Yes, I am sensitive because I've been hurt so many times. I just wish people can view us survivors as somebody normal. I just wish people can accept the fact that our loved ones died of terminal mental illness. They don't have any character flaws...
I want to hear "I am so sorry for your loss." "If you need anything, let me know, I will be there for you." That is all I need to hear. I don't need people psychoanalyze my loved one, I also don't need to hear "God has plans" What plans? I certainly don't need people to tell me how long am I suppose to grieve.
I remember my "friend" asked me once, "It has been 1 year, why do you still grieve?" I answered, "because my loved one is still dead.."
I can honestly say the ONLY one person who knew exactly what to say is my wonderful brother. Maybe because he lost his fellow Marine in combat. My brother told me, "Just hold on to the hope that life can be good again. I know you cannot see it right now, but give life a fighting chance. I am here for you. You are not alone in this, you have me."
We really just want to hear
1. Somebody are there for us
2. Our loved ones don't have any character flaws, they are not bad people.
3. We are not alone.
I also want to add that I think you are a wonderful human being. Not many people want to be there for a suicide survivor. Many people are judgmental. You are obviously a very caring person..
Thank you for being there for your friend's family, I think deep down, they would really appreciate your kindness. I still remember those people who were there for me in the first couple of years. My two brothers, my parents, my friends.
I know about mental illness and have people in my life who have considered suicide. No, it's not the same thing as committing suicide. You asked if you were being fair to the people who said all these things. No, I don't think you're being fair. Sure, some people are being judgmental, but others are sincerely trying to help you and reach out to you. Some people just don't know what to say. They are not all trying to be hurtful.
I know about mental illness and have people in my life who have considered suicide. No, it's not the same thing as committing suicide. You asked if you were being fair to the people who said all these things. No, I don't think you're being fair. Sure, some people are being judgmental, but others are sincerely trying to help you and reach out to you. Some people just don't know what to say. They are not all trying to be hurtful.
Fair or not fair, I am still struggling. Don't know how to cope with it.
Honestly, I think it's worse when they don't say anything at all. At least your friends are still acknowledging that you are grieving and trying to console you, even if their choice of wording isn't the best. Most people after four years would be trying to ignore the topic, not knowing whether you want to talk about it, or NOT want to talk about it. I haven't experienced an actual suicide, but I have gone through the "finding a note" and not knowing where the person was all night -- worst night of my life. Thankfully, the attempt didn't work.
I'm so glad you're in a support group. Also, it's helpful for me to hear your thoughts on what words DON'T help, as I try to ensure I don't use those terms. I think the worst thing someone said to me when my Mom died (at 89 but sudden and tragic) was, "She lived a good, long life". As if that should make me feel better.
I think that many times people just do not know what to say; I am very sorry to hear that you have had to deal with judgmental people on top of losing your boyfriend.
I am very VERY sorry for both your loss and the pain you are still experiencing....
Although it might not seem like it to you, people are just trying to say something nice and to let you know they care. You are simply in a super sensitive state right now and those words, under different circumstances, would be comforting to you.
Put yourself in their shoes, what words would you say that would feel different ? Your pain is still with you, regardless of what you say on the outside, and it is clouding your thought process right now. Good luck with your healing process.
Don
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I certainly don't need people to tell me how long am I suppose to grieve.
