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It sounds, Ani, that she stays very much in your life even though not physically. That takes a special person.
She was a beautiful soul!
I took some time yesterday to view photos of my dear friend. Just seeing her smiling face made me feel better.
She taught me, by example, how much healthier it is to forgive others for their thoughtless acts or downright mean-spiritedness. Just forgive and move on. Love others despite their foibles, forgive them, and be kind . . . and if the only way to deal with a toxic person is to limit your interaction, then do that . . . but don't personalize THEIR issues, ignorant comments, put downs, etc. My own mother is so very different - so critical and always wanting to extract a "pound of flesh" for any slight (real or imaginary, lol). I think I am a better person because of what I learned from my friend. I know her presence in my life profoundly changed the way I see myself in relation to difficult people.
She would say "Don't let anyone rain on your parade!" and flash that lovely smile and laugh and just slough off whatever crazy situation someone else might try to put her in. "Carry on! Happiness is a choice! Don't let anyone else determine how happy you will be today! Don't buy that ticket and get on that Downer Train!" lolololol
Hi Ani; I just discovered this forum tonight and can't believe the depth of feeling that you all share together. It touches my heart. I'm at a crisis point in my life too. I guess we all have them periodically. I used to let negativity eat me alive. I've had a rough life, lost alot of loved ones, etc. I've got a mental image in my mind that helps me deal with toxic people now. You know how water rolls off a duck's back and doesn't absorb into their lower layer of feathers? That's how I picture myself sometimes. I need to let toxicity roll off me like that water rolls off that duck. Yes, it's ok to wallow in it for a few minutes, but then I shake myself out of it and stop myself from letting others' problems eat me alive, because they will if I let them. I can't spend the rest of my life grieving and miserable. I used to. Someone would push my buttons and I'd go over the deep end. Not any more. I realize now each day has only so many hours. Am I going to 'see' the beauty around me or 'ignore' it and let emotions control me while the rest of the world keeps rolling along just fine? No, not me. Life's too short to step in a mud puddle and stamp in it so long I end up black from head to toe. I'd rather jump in a lake of pure white thought and clean my mind out and enjoy my day while I can. Church helps me do this. I couldn't do it alone. It's taken me a long time to get this figured out.
The best advice I ever got was something I read. Immediately after you lose someone it's crushing. After you get over the initial blow you should put yourself on a grief schedule. Sounds stupid I know but it helped me. At first I got 30 minutes a day to just cry, blubber, and grieve. Then over time I cut it back and eventually ended up at 10 minutes a day. Sure you think about what happened when it's not your grief time but you start learning to compartmentalize and save up your grieving for that specific time. Over time I got to the point where it was no longer necessary. I could function just fine.
I did decide I was not going to be one of those people who gave up their own life to grieve over their losses. Grief has it's place but it was better use of my time to move on. I would feel differently if grief would bring them back or change something but we all know it won't. The only thing I could change was me.
Yellowsnow,
When I read the first part of your post I disagreed as grief takes as long as it takes and doesn't follow a schedule. Reading the rest of your post I agreed with what the idea you were trying to share.
How about using the words "time limit how much time one grieves daily" instead of a schedule? Would that represent your suggestion fairly?
If not, I'll add that time limiting the total amount of time one thinks of the loved lost one, is a very effective technique to help manage grief. But I'd never suggest it to another for months after their loss.
The feelings have to come out. Changes to physical and mental health, possibly job performance, numbing oneself with alcohol or other plus strained communications with others and closing off to most people are some of what can happen when one does not allow him/herself the time and energy needed to grieve.
I hope each day becomes a little easier for you, yellowsnow, and all othèrs. There will always be days and something one can't predict that will bring tears and feelings. That's ok. If we all hadn't loved someone now gone, we wouldn't grieve or miss them.
The tears and feelings speak to the love shared between parents and children, siblings, spouses, partners, close friends and others.
Marcy...Good you're letting yourself "feel" more today.. I think I became stoic after my husband died. I wanted to to be strong and stable for my son...I felt bad that my son lost both of his dads and his brother and grandparents and everyone. (Except for me.).. Back then, I had no idea that my younger and "last" son would develop cancer and end-up dying too...He started having symptoms about 6 months after my husband died and it was a "rocky road" for about a year and a half. I stayed strong for him...Kept hoping he'd recover but this wasn't the case...Whew! Guess I stayed numb for a long time too.
CA,
The way I see your very unique situation, you had to shut down your emotions (or put them on hold), as you had one after another. Only now is it "safe" to let those feelings out and replace them with positive feelings about yourself and how you made it through. Now new feelings, interests etc. Are safe to emerge.
WellShone, I think what happened is that you've been on a sort of auto-pilot for the past six months, and it's wearing off so that now your hurt and grief are coming to the surface. This is actually good. And it's normal. Being numb, and thinking you're doing well is probably not good. We all grieve in our own way, on our own timetable. There is no right or wrong, there just is..... Triggers happen when you least expect it. A picture, a memento, a song, seeing someone in the grocery store, a movie, a sound, a smell, they're all out there ready to trip you up. It took me two years to come out of auto-pilot and begin to actually feel grief and sorrow, and almost five years later, I still get tripped up by things. These triggers happen less and less as time goes by, but I don't think they ever go away. I know women who are 20 or 25 years down the road, and a memory will still bring tears to their eyes.
Grief ebbs and flows. You'll have good days or weeks, then you'll have days when you'll want to hide under the covers and make the world go away. It's not predictable. So, go with the flow. Don't fight it. It will get better in time.
WellShone,
I think Marcy explained what happens to many people. There is a numbing time that most people experience the first few weeks. Six months is a common time to start to thaw from the numbness. It is difficult but utilize your support system and other ways of coping with grief like writing your feelings or writing a letter etc.
Just passed the anniversary of my best friend's death. I know it is not the same as losing one's spouse, of course, but grief and mourning are grief and mourning.
I kept thinking that it would get easier after this many years but I still miss her every day. We had a mother daughter type relationship and her wisdom, insight and good humor lit up my world. We looked after each other, as our husbands both traveled and all her children lived states away.
Over the years, I have adapted to thinking of what she might advise me, or what she had said in the past. And sometimes I imagine us having a conversation. But it is so sad when I see something I know she would like and want to buy it and give it to her or when I read something and know she would appreciate my sharing it - and she isn't here. "She would have liked this."
When I am in a crisis, such as with my husband's health, I think of how my best friend would have handled the situation. She was such a gracious, calm and dedicated woman. I try to "live up" to her example.
In many ways, losing her has brought about isolation more than a desire to get to know others and establish new close friendships. I found myself comparing everyone else who came into my world to my friend, without even realizing it. When you have shared a long history with a dear friend, they lived it and they just know "who you are." So even though I have met wonderful folks, dear ladies, and enjoy their company very much, I guess it will never be the same kind of friendship I had with my best friend.
Anifani,
I appreciate your post. We pick our friends. Their loss is significant in our lives.
I do the same thing as you, I think of how my friend would have handled something, or advice given to me. It helps me.
Hi Ani; I just discovered this forum tonight and can't believe the depth of feeling that you all share together. It touches my heart. I'm at a crisis point in my life too. I guess we all have them periodically. I used to let negativity eat me alive. I've had a rough life, lost alot of loved ones, etc. I've got a mental image in my mind that helps me deal with toxic people now. You know how water rolls off a duck's back and doesn't absorb into their lower layer of feathers? That's how I picture myself sometimes. I need to let toxicity roll off me like that water rolls off that duck. Yes, it's ok to wallow in it for a few minutes, but then I shake myself out of it and stop myself from letting others' problems eat me alive, because they will if I let them. I can't spend the rest of my life grieving and miserable. I used to. Someone would push my buttons and I'd go over the deep end. Not any more. I realize now each day has only so many hours. Am I going to 'see' the beauty around me or 'ignore' it and let emotions control me while the rest of the world keeps rolling along just fine? No, not me. Life's too short to step in a mud puddle and stamp in it so long I end up black from head to toe. I'd rather jump in a lake of pure white thought and clean my mind out and enjoy my day while I can. Church helps me do this. I couldn't do it alone. It's taken me a long time to get this figured out.
It really does help to "forgive others for the apologies they never offered."
It never helps to dwell on the hurts, the injustices, the purposely unkind acts.
Sounds to me that you have it figured out -- you are determined not to let negativity take hold! It does help to surround yourself with others who are of the same mindset, but lacking that, self-affirmations can help.
I hope tomorrow will be a very productive, happy day for you!
I appreciate your post. We pick our friends. Their loss is significant in our lives.
I do the same thing as you, I think of how my friend would have handled something, or advice given to me. It helps me.
Thanks for your post.
MSR
Thank YOU for understanding and allowing me to talk about my dear friend . . . I like to think that sharing a bit of who she was might mean that her beautiful spirit is still touching others in some way.
"In many ways, losing her has brought about isolation more than a desire to get to know others and establish new close friendships."
Dear Ani; I lost my daughter four years ago. Like you, I've isolated myself in grief and hunkered down here not letting anyone else in as close as she was. We had to work at our closeness, but on her last day on this earth, we made a pact for a new beginning. I would be there for her anytime, day or night. She couldn't drive due to grand mal epilepsy. We spent her last day on earth shopping and visiting. I kept thinking and feeling something big was about to happen. She passed away in her sleep that night. I actually studied her face in one of the stores, wanting to remember every detail. I couldn't believe it when I heard the news she had slipped away. It taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that God, or whatever a person prefers to call our creator, is definitely aware of every detail we are experiencing and he is "in" it with us like a massive super computer that can easily absorb and remember every single detail of our lives easily. I know now he's right here with me all the time, no question about it. I hope and pray that someday both of us will be able to find a very close friend of the same caliber as our dear ones, but the chances of that are not good. All we can do is try our hardest to remember yet at the same time try to be open to new relationships. It's so hard. I too keep comparing others to her. I guess it's down to one day at a time. Cherish the memories and know your dear friend is right there with you but her body is one of light now. You can't see her with your eyes, but she's right there. That's my consolation with my daughter's passing. She is with me. If we approach it that way, they're not really gone, just beyond our ability to see. Let's focus on today and right now.
The way I see your very unique situation, you had to shut down your emotions (or put them on hold), as you had one after another. Only now is it "safe" to let those feelings out and replace them with positive feelings about yourself and how you made it through. Now new feelings, interests etc. Are safe to emerge.
Keep up the new path
MSR
Thanks MSR! Great to have you back!...My path still seems like a "rocky road."...I try not to get caught-up in "absolutes." (As in: "I'm absolutely doing better now and completely over my grief!")...I know I still have a long, long way to go! I'm still trying to figure out who I am (today) and what I might want for myself...Sometimes, I wind-up in a "kettle of fish" (as my Mom used to say) because I sign-up or sign-on to things that aren't really a good "fit." (In the long-run.)..Oh well! It's all a learning process.
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Perhaps a Different Word?
Forced Choice
