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I grieved for my late Mom even before she passed away. She went into assisted living with mild dementia when she was 89 but slid into Alzheimers over time. However. she was still "her" during that time. But when she had a brain bleed from repeated falls (her heart was stopping and she had to have a pacemaker inserted) her cognitive abilities declined markedly as well as her recognition and comprehension. We would get flashes and brief intervals of the old "Mom" but then she would go back into a blank state. That's when I started grieving the loss of my Mom. Thankfully the last day we visited her (she died unexpectedly in the night) she recognized both my sister and myself for a while and was so happy to see us. It was a good moment.
I have wanted to talk about this for a long time, but now, I am working with a hypnotherapist and a lot of grief is coming to the surface.
The people I am grieving are still alive.
I am grieving loss of dreams and much more.
This grief triggers old grief.
Just want to suggest that grieving people who are still living is a thing (and of course, not in competition with people who are grieving deaths of loved ones).
Seems to me that if you dig in the dirt you're gonna get muddy. Is it really a good thing to bring all this stuff up to the surface and reinforce it? Accept that "life is a *itch and then ya die". Everything is temporary and none of it is gonna be perfect. Just allow it to suck and move on to something better. Quit mourning what it isn't and rejoice in what it is, there's usually something good if you look for it.
Instead of searching for grief, look for joy. It's just an attitude, just like grief except a lot healthier for you. Live in the light and leave the mud alone.
I think grieving is about loss. So much in our lives ends without any marker. Our youth and who we used to be, our dreams, our connections to people. I think it's especially healthy to grieve who we were and who we might have been.
Yes. It is all about loss. Judith Voirst (sp.) wrote a book in the seventies or eighties called "Necessary Losses."
I don't grieve the loss of my youth, as I believe everyone at every age is still inside me.
I also had no meta plan for my life, so nothing to grieve there.
I get what you are talking about. I was shunned by my Jehovah's Witness mother and it took 2 years to work through the grief process. I had to grieve the loss of the mother I wish I had then the loss of the mother I did have. I had to grieve not being the daughter she wanted as well.
Yes. Being shunned and being scapegoated are things to come to terms with - VERY difficult.
If you consider yourself a "good" person who tries to live with integrity, realizing that others don't necessarily do that is a hard truth to reckon with (or has been for me).
Shunning is the most painful thing - just horrible.
Not sure what you are looking for. I have a close friend who has metastatic cancer. She is barely hanging on with treatment that makes her sick. I think she's made it close to 2 years now. I have grieved for her all along.
I'm not really looking for anything - just wanted to have a place to share my experience grieving. I will write more about what I am dealing with in another post.
I am so sorry about your friend. That must be so difficult.
Seems to me that if you dig in the dirt you're gonna get muddy. Is it really a good thing to bring all this stuff up to the surface and reinforce it? Accept that "life is a *itch and then ya die". Everything is temporary and none of it is gonna be perfect. Just allow it to suck and move on to something better. Quit mourning what it isn't and rejoice in what it is, there's usually something good if you look for it.
Instead of searching for grief, look for joy. It's just an attitude, just like grief except a lot healthier for you. Live in the light and leave the mud alone.
I understand your perspective. There are many people who "can't go there."
I was never "searching for grief." At the time I wrote this post, I was grieving.
You are right about "allowing it to suck." That is being awake and in the present moment, which is always what I am striving to do.
I don't personally believe there is any "what might have been." I mean, no one ever seems to talk about "what might have been" in terms of "Right, I could be dead at age 2," or "I could have a debilitating disease by age 30" or whatever - it seems like it's always an "I coulda been a contender" sort of thing.
I will tell you this though - yes, at age 58 I am no longer 28. I can hardly imagine feeling the energy and vitality I felt at that age, jumping up from the floor, jogging, etc. I guess I could grieve about that loss, but I really don't spend much time thinking about it, because I also didn't have the wisdom I have now and frankly that seems like a good trade off to me. So I don't feel like I LOST anything if that makes sense. Things have changed. I didn't LOSE those years - I lived them and now I'm living in another stage of my life.
Losing someone very dear to us does feel very different to me than other types of loss. I do agree though that grief is about loss. I grieved when I lost my my parents and my brother, differently for each one but I did grieve. And I grieved when I got divorced in my thirties, though in a totally different way as well. And then I lost my current husband and my world tilted on it's axle. Totally different type of grief and so much deeper and more painful than any other loss.
So yes, I agree that grief is about loss and that there are many different forms of grief - I just don't believe in grieving over "what might have been."
My best friend lost her husband recently. He had been under hospice care for months. She really started grieving for him when she got his diagnosis, so he hadn't gone yet.
Personally I find grief to be very difficult and messy and fatiguing and it's definitely not an emotion or set of emotions I want to immerse myself in.
The term "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" comes to my mind.
Is that a biblical quote? I had never heard it. It makes a lot of sense. I am so sorry for your losses. I had not read that your brother had passed, as well.
So what I am grieving is I have many family members who I have "difficult" relationships with - some people have substance abuse issues, some are avoidant (so you can't work through anything), some are not self-aware (again, no space to work through things).
And I realized that many of these people don't REALLY give two ****s about me - so in that case, I am mourning what I thought was a loving family - squaring it with the reality.
I try to keep upbeat, but I always wanted a supportive family and I have never had that. It is time I come to terms with that, and in doing so, there is grieving for relationships I might never have.
I have done a lot of inner work and most everyone in my family has not. I don't judge them but I do note that their lack of interest in WHY they do things or more importantly to me - why they are unable to work through garden variety disagreements - and get to the other side - I have to grieve that. Every petty annoyance becomes a big deal because NOTHING IS EVER RESOLVED. I am the type of person who likes to work things out - and "they" (some family members) prefer to sweep stuff under the carpet.
That's the basic gist of it. There are lots of nuances.
The bottom line is that I really have no family - and that is something to mourn.
The term "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" comes to my mind.
I agree. Don't make up things to be grieving about. It will find you out soon enough. If you have reasons to be happy, enjoy what you do have. Some people may have mental conditions that may prevent them from enjoying what is good in their life, but I strongly feel that is in a different category than grief.
The loss from death of a person with whom one has a deep, strong bond is entirely in a category of its own; I also have a strong feeling that I will confide on here but would not share with someone who has lost another in this way, that an unexpected loss is different from an expected loss. Only those who have experienced it can know what it is like; and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
Is that a biblical quote?
Yes, it is the last part of Matthew 6:34; that particular phrasing is from the King James Version.
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