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Can anyone explain the thought process of why a person would choose alcohol over every other good thing in their life? Do they think they will somehow "beat the odds" and end up with a rosy life despite losing their job, their friends, their family? Why would they refuse to even have a conversation with the people who love them most? I mean, I know, it's an addiction, but for anyone who has been there, how could you have gotten so far away from reality? I'm really trying to understand my son's thought process.
Here is his story, although these details probably don't matter. Addiction is addiction.
I learned two weeks ago that one of my adult sons is an alcoholic. I knew he used to binge sometimes, and I had concerns since his painful divorce a few years ago, but I thought things were under control. I now know that he hid his alcohol addiction very well for about 3 years, in fact he had told me repeatedly that he was not drinking at all since a DUI last summer. That was a total lie. People who saw him every day decided I needed to know the truth about the enormous amount he drinks every day, which has led to some unfortunate, embarrassing incidents and consequences. I met with him last week, told him everything I'd been told. At first he sounded open to some of the treatment options, he admitted he has a problem, but he "needed some time to think."
Since then, I've invited him for dinner a couple times (he had weak excuses to say no), we've had some light-hearted texts, but hadn't actually conversed, which we usually do 3 or 4 times a week.
Yesterday he finally picked up when I called him. He told me I have "crossed a line," that I have "humiliated him" by telling so many people about his life (I have told no one; I think he was drunk and got mixed up that it was other people who told ME.) Now he wants me to just back off and leave him alone. He does not want to talk to me for a while, maybe never.
This is not only my son but someone I considered one of my best friends. He has also stopped talking with his two brothers, who had been very close. He has a brilliant mind, Masters degree from a top ranked university, and immense talent and potential. But alcohol has turned him into someone I don't understand at all.
I'm sorry about all that, unfortunate situation for sure.
But you said it yourself: "Addiction is addiction." That's all there is to it. You're trying to apply rational thought and rules to an irrational disease. It can't be done. There's no "thinking" his way out of it.
He needs help - professional help - and he needs to want it himself.
Until I saw the video "Pleasure Unwoven," I could not understand what drew my dad and one of my nieces to wreck every good thing in their lives for alcohol. I highly recommend this documentary. A good portion of it, if not all, is available on YouTube, albeit broken up into several parts.
sorry to hear about him. he's wrecking his health. perhaps suggesting he switch to something less toxic. thc/cbd gummies/products can give him a good buzz with less toxicity
I'm sorry to hear about your son. Give it some time. I myself have had a drinking problem for several years and have been going to AA for a few months.. It hasn't been easy and I've had slip-ups, but I'm trying to get better..
Alcohol is a powerful addiction... Although you know it is destroying your job, relationships and health, you don't seem to care... You just crave that feeling that alcohol gives you.. It can be very difficult to explain to people who aren't alcoholic's.. I suggest going to Al-Anon meetings, if you have any in you area. These meetings are for family members and friends of alcoholics. It might help you understand the disease a little more and not feel so alone.
Sounds like Alanon could help. Being powerless over a loved one’s actions/ behaviors is tremendously painful.
This. Although I did not find Alanon all that useful to me when I decided to end the marriage to my alcoholic husband, there is a lot to learn from it and other programs regarding codependency.
But from your first post, OP, let me tell you something that an alcoholic person shared with me a few years ago. "We are looking at two doors, and we have to choose one. Behind one door is a good life, with a good job, family, friends, health, money. Behind the other door is a way to lose everything. And we alcoholics sit there every day agonizing over which door to choose."
You've probably heard this before, but it has to be heard over and over again: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Alcoholism is insidious.
I 100% approve mightyqueens post above
You cannot fix this--it's not in your hands
Get help for yourself to understand this
Help the people who need your help, your other sons, your grandchildren (if any)
Your son may make decide to stop drinking or
He may keep drinking and his life may not be terrible
You can't divorce him but you have to live with his decision
That's the part that sucks for a mother or father
Alcoholism is insidious.
I 100% approve mightyqueens post above
You cannot fix this--it's not in your hands
Get help for yourself to understand this
Help the people who need your help, your other sons, your grandchildren (if any)
Your son may make decide to stop drinking or
He may keep drinking and his life may not be terrible
You can't divorce him but you have to live with his decision
That's the part that sucks for a mother or father
^^That seems to be the prevailing thinking on the matter. It's just still so fresh that it's hard for me to accept there is NOTHING I can do. I told my husband, it would be like if a doctor told me I had a terminal illness and there was nothing I could do. I don't think anyone would just instantaneously give up and accept that. I'd think "I need a second opinion! There must be SOME way to fight this." And then maybe in time, with more learning and processing, one comes to the point of acceptance.
I still think there must be SOME way to love him through this, to nudge him in the right direction. To think otherwise feels so cold and uncaring right now.
Down the road I'll probably feel differently. I guess it's like working through the stages of grief. Right now my brain just can't accept that I can do absolutely nothing.
BTW, I am in therapy, and reading a lot on the topic of alcoholism. I still haven't founds books or articles that help me grasp how it really feels to be an alcoholic, how an intelligent human can defy reason to make such a destructive choice, day after day, when help is just a phone call or a conversation away. I cannot grasp that. (But thank you Might Queen for the analogy of the 2 doors.)
The alcohol makes him feel good. It is that simple, for some alcoholics.
He can never be talked into quitting, that has to come from his own self, not you.
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It's just still so fresh that it's hard for me to accept there is NOTHING I can do. I told my husband, it would be like if a doctor told me I had a terminal illness and there was nothing I could do. I don't think anyone would just instantaneously give up and accept that. I'd think "I need a second opinion! There must be SOME way to fight this." And then maybe in time, with more learning and processing, one comes to the point of acceptance.
