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BTW I also don't care for "friendships" based on a commonality such as having the same nationality, favorite sports team, religion, political party or enemy. IMO that's just making an alliance, not forging a true friendship.
I also want a good personality mesh, similar sense of humour and the potential for interesting conversations. Why shouldn't I want my friends to enhance my life? We should be of equal intelligence... I don't want to outshine the other person, nor do I want to be in their shadow either. And I am not there just to listen to their frustrations and complaints about life. I don't want to be anyone's crutch. We both should look forward to being in each others company, but also to be able to be upset if our busy lives prevent us from getting together for long periods of time.
I think the discussion got lost in mundane details and personal preferences. The question I would ask the op is this: what is your idea of a friend, and do you know how to be one? Why should people be interested in you? Offer first, then be ready to receive, if it's friendship. Ask people to go for a coffee, invite them over for a drink, most importantly be interested in them and respectful to who they are... I found it's quite easy to make friends here in MA. And I grew up in a completely different part of world, Eastern Europe.
I completely agree w/the idea of going to groups. And then, once you find a group that fits, stay in it. I had to learn to stay in groups I liked rather than visiting them and moving on. Once I'd been in a group for a few months and was seen as a regular, people started asking after me if I wasn't there, adding me on Facebook, and all of that.
Then there's a secondary level of friendship where people will invite you to their parties or read your Facebook posts but, for whatever reason, will not make individual plans with you. Maybe it's because they're busy or maybe there are other reasons. However, going to these parties - even if you're shy - is a route to meeting potential close friends.
In other words - first you get into the meetup or social circle and *then* you make the close friendships. People take a while to thaw out and are often busy. If someone has over 1,000 Facebook friends, it's not too likely they'll have time to get to know you individually.
Many people swear by going to UU churches as a way of making friends. That isn't interesting to me, personally, but I know quite a few people who go to them.
So people will observe you a while before they get to know you. Unfortunately, your perceived social status may matter more here than in some other parts of the U.S.. (Just being honest about that.)
Speaking of blogging - social media is important. It's pretty common for people to add someone on Facebook and observe them for a while before getting to know them. So it's good to be aware of what you post. You can use Facebook to filter potential friends too, if you want to.
The reality is that people who are accustomed to having their ears pissed in and ass kissed regularly often have a hard time in New England because what you see with people is what you get. We won't urinate in your ear, and we won't put on a lot of pretenses to try and "impress" you because most of us are impressed by REAL people not those who need to recognized and have their egos stroked in order to feel whole. The exception is the young professional crowd who have generally shown a neurotic need to be "recognized" by strangers wherever they go. This seems to be typical in most parts of the country now with New England being no exception. However the working-class and those young professionals who are products of the working class and have generally remained true to their heritage, will usually present as the typical New Englander.
While we may take longer to get to know once we get to know people and form relationships with them we are very loyal and very dedicated to our friends. That is of course if you are actually WILLING to let people know you for who you are and not based what your job is, car you drive, school you attended, how many 4-star hotels you've stayed at around the world, or other nonsense, and if you are really willing to get to know others for who they are. Bottom line, most New Englanders can't stomach phoniness and if you come off as such you ain't gonna get to know many people around here as you won't be trusted nor viewed as a REAL person.
My suggestion for yuppies who are having issues meeting people in New England is to live in areas where other yuppies live as you all expect the same thing from each other and, thus, will be less disappointed. The alternative is to try a 12 step program and learn to be and accept yourself for who you are. When you know who you are you will no longer need to pretend to be someone you're not and others will gravitate to you! You also won't need to feel validated by strangers when sitting on the subway or shopping for groceries.
Last edited by thecharlesriver; 04-10-2012 at 06:38 PM..
These are all general "how to make friends" discussions, advice and tips that are not Massachusetts or Boston-specific. Boston IS different. That's how it ends up on top of many lists (such as the one for "mean" that is the title of another recent thread). Some of the friendliest and easiest-to-connect-with people I've met in New England are from New York. New Englanders, and Bostonians specifically have a rep for cold and mean. Own it, Boston. I was talking to realtor recently (from a North Shore town and a native) and he even brought up how cold and indifferent people in Boston are. Now granted - he was selling a specific North Shore town vs. Boston -- but I hear it all day long right now as part of relocation contacts. and when moving from anywhere else in the country to New England, the entire world will tell you how cold the climate is, and how much colder than that -- the people are. It's an easy bet that not everyone is going to find the same things they've done to make new friends in other regions or cities will work in Mass (or boston specifically).
Yeah Boston/New England and Now York are different in many ways. Whether those ways are good or bad is in the eye of the beholder. Frankly, I'd rather come from a place that is different than one which is the same as a lot of other places. "Mean" is a very ambiguous and relative term which is also viewed from the eye of the beholder. If you're judging people based on how you perceive them as they move about their lives among the others in the world, then perhaps you could reach that conclusion. If you are in the habit of reaching conclusions about people without actually getting to know those people then you may have a point. Frankly, I've gotten to know a lot of people who will go out of their way to hold the door for you getting in the elevator but who wouldn't give you the time of day if you ever really needed them. Same goes for people who smile and say hello to everyone they see but who will stab you in the back at the first hint that they perceive you as some sort of threat to their ego. So this whole business of concluding that people are "mean" or "rude" (another very relative term) based on how they act on the subway is just a lot of shallow BS. Same goes for perpetuating articles from magazines or stories "in the news." They are based on opinions of people many of whom have formed those opinions based on superficial interactions with people or strictly from a perspective that is comparative to what they are accustomed to. For some of them, their comparisons may be quite limited and myopic. There are a-holes in NE like there are anywhere else. Just because that A-hole in Atlanta or in Heartland America is walking around with a fake smile painted on their face doesn't make him any less of an A-hole than the New England A-hole who isn't smiling.
One comment you made that I agree with wholeheartedly is BE YOURSELF. If you are yourself and not some contrived seemingly self-satisfied d-bag then most New Englanders will be attracted to you and want to get to know you. And assuming you are actually willing to let them get to know you, and you are willing to make the investment in getting to know them, then there shouldn't be any problems.
Yeah New England is different. We form relationships with those we have commonalities with and with whom we like and we find our socialization from those friends. We go about our business, don't bother anyone, and also don't find the need to engage in phony and unnecessary BS with strangers. We are also very opinionated and individualist. At the same time, when I call a friend s/he is there for me. I can't say that about people I've met in other parts of the country. Wanna see different? Try Northern Virginia and the DC burbs. Generally speaking, some of the most outwardly "nice" people I've ever met; also some of the most catty, passive-aggressive, and aloof as well. And I've never met so many control freaks in my life.
It's not easy to judge a book by it's cover. And just as there is research into the personalities of Yankees, there is also well-researched history as to why and how we have evolved into the type of no-nonsense people many of us are. No doubt there is a LOT of dysfunction here and it has its roots in immigration, poverty, indentured servitude, and the grit and hard-work of people during the industrial age. Some of it comes from the pugnacious nature of the revolutionaries that has been engrained in some of the culture. And people have adapted to all that in many ways, good and bad, healthy and dysfunctional. It doesn't make us better than those who are different and it certainly doesn't make us worse. It makes us different. Many of us come from living or working social groups where we have come to rely on each other and that has resulted in camaraderie to a certain extent, that has been passed down the generations, and that you do not find in a lot of other places. In some cases it also results in lack of trust in strangers until people get to know them. It is what it is. But I'll take the character, tenacity, and authenticity I get from the average hardened New Englander or New Yorker over some of the variations any day of the week. I've tried to strike up heart-to heart conversations with people from the south and in some other parts of the country and its nearly impossible to get honesty from people as to how they really feel about something or who they really are as people. Oh, they will be quick to talk about the weather or some other meaningless topic, but you rarely get anything real from most of them nor will you get any strong opinions or see strong stands being taken on things, especially things that don't affect them personally. Personally, I don't find much in common with passive-aggressiveness, or lack of candor. And that's why I choose not to live in the south.
I understand if you don't like the culture that is here, but your implication that New Englanders and New Yorkers are people who are just born to be mean and rude to those of you who seem to think you're entitled to be around a culture that you "agree" with simply reveals you as the myopic and bigoted personality that you seem to be assigning to us.
Last edited by thecharlesriver; 04-10-2012 at 07:41 PM..
Sorry, but good luck. If you are from another part of the country and moved in Mass it is not easy at all. We have been here ( South of Boston ) for 8 years now and tried very hard to make friends. The only people we know are from our 12 year son running around and meeting other kids. We don't even know who our neighbors are, very very sad. we tried to get to know them but basically had the door slamed in our face. New Englanders in general are:
very closed, cold, self absorbed and rude ( unless you are buying something from them). We have found it extremely difficult to live here and we finally decided to move, it just isn't for us. It looks like nobody smiles, and on top of that they are very bad drivers. You try to say hi to them and they do the best they can to not make eye contact, and if they do the most you get is a nod. What a sad way to be....well I am glad that we are leaving..
Sorry, but good luck. If you are from another part of the country and moved in Mass it is not easy at all. We have been here ( South of Boston ) for 8 years now and tried very hard to make friends. The only people we know are from our 12 year son running around and meeting other kids. We don't even know who our neighbors are, very very sad. we tried to get to know them but basically had the door slamed in our face. New Englanders in general are:
very closed, cold, self absorbed and rude ( unless you are buying something from them). We have found it extremely difficult to live here and we finally decided to move, it just isn't for us. It looks like nobody smiles, and on top of that they are very bad drivers. You try to say hi to them and they do the best they can to not make eye contact, and if they do the most you get is a nod. What a sad way to be....well I am glad that we are leaving..
I generally disagree with your generalizations, although I can see how people accustomed to a certain culture could perceive us as cold. I've been called hard on the outside and soft on the inside. I thought that was a pretty accurate description of the average New Englander and many New Yorkers. I won't argue that there are also people who are cold on the inside as well, but those types are all over the country...many just hide under a mask. As for self absorbed, I don't think there are any more of those types here than anywhere else. The professional circles are about as self-centered as they come, in most cities. The Massachusetts/NYC working-class is about as unpretentious and down to earth as it gets. And I don't "nod" to people nor does anyone I know from Mass. That is a decidedly southern gesture so I don't know who is doing all the nodding to you. I usually get a "what's up" if I say it to someone else. I don't expect much more, from a stranger. And I have never had a door slammed in my face under usual conditions, so I'm not getting all that either.
Lastly, you don't say where you live other than "south of Boston" but I will say that being an outsider and moving from another region into a suburban residential neighborhood within an area that is known for being home to generations of similarly cultured people would not be an easy thing to do in most regions, let alone one that is known for its tight-knit nature like the Boston area. Your failure to acknowledge that in your assessment is pretty unfair. If you don't think that a working class Yankee family wouldn't have some issues moving to suburban Louisville KY neighborhood or a suburban Wichita KS neighborhood than you're living in la la land.
Oh, and given that 8 of your son's formative years have been in New England he's pretty much well on his way to being one of us big bad meanie New Englanders. So you better either think twice about your characterizations or take him somewhere else pretty soon before you create what you seem to think is a Frankenstein. Sounds to me like he's already at the point where he will be saying he "grew up in Massachusetts." And I guess that's good since he seems to be the one making your friends along with his own. And unless you are engaging in your own activities around whatever town you live in, how the hell do you think you're going to meet others?
Last edited by thecharlesriver; 04-10-2012 at 08:31 PM..
BTW I also don't care for "friendships" based on a commonality such as having the same nationality, favorite sports team, religion, political party or enemy. IMO that's just making an alliance, not forging a true friendship.
I also want a good personality mesh, similar sense of humour and the potential for interesting conversations. Why shouldn't I want my friends to enhance my life? We should be of equal intelligence... I don't want to outshine the other person, nor do I want to be in their shadow either. And I am not there just to listen to their frustrations and complaints about life. I don't want to be anyone's crutch. We both should look forward to being in each others company, but also to be able to be upset if our busy lives prevent us from getting together for long periods of time.
I have been in MA for a year. I am generally the kind of person that keeps to myself but i always smile if someone makes eye contact and it is rare that the smile is not returned. My neighbors are actually TOO chatty for my liking! I honestly don't know where all these cold people are living?! Is there a suburb full of them somewhere? I mean, in comparison to the South (where i came from) i guess i can understand where people are coming from. Down there, everybody is fake and all smiles, hugging you etc. I actually prefer that people here don't bother to fake it.
Again, i am not a social person but it seems people are nice enough wherever i go. Maybe everyone i come into contact with is a transplant. Surely not!
I have been in MA for a year. I am generally the kind of person that keeps to myself but i always smile if someone makes eye contact and it is rare that the smile is not returned. My neighbors are actually TOO chatty for my liking! I honestly don't know where all these cold people are living?! Is there a suburb full of them somewhere? I mean, in comparison to the South (where i came from) i guess i can understand where people are coming from. Down there, everybody is fake and all smiles, hugging you etc. I actually prefer that people here don't bother to fake it.
Again, i am not a social person but it seems people are nice enough wherever i go. Maybe everyone i come into contact with is a transplant. Surely not!
It's funny because I was on an Amtrak train a few months ago and was talking to a lady working the cafe car who commented on my Boston accent. She said she was from Florida and loved going to Boston because people are "so friendly." I was surprised to hear this from a southern person but it just shows you that "rude" "unfriendly" "cold" can very subjective terms. And this woman travels up and down the northeast corridor so she gets around! And yeah, I don't know where all these cold people are either. If I'm saying something that is worth saying (not just meaningless smalltalk) I get conversation out of almost anybody around Boston, even strangers on the subway platform. That said, many of the upper middle class burbs can be pretty stuffy but that's not a regional issue. It's more an east coast/ class issue.
Last edited by thecharlesriver; 04-10-2012 at 08:39 PM..
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Good luck
And I guess that's good since he seems to be the one making your friends along with his own. And unless you are engaging in your own activities around whatever town you live in, how the hell do you think you're going to meet others?
