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OngletNYC, I hear ya. I still have it better than most. Thats only because I saved money my entire career and now I'm living off of it. It will be gone over the next year and there will be nothing left. Then I won't be able to say I have it better than anyone. My plan is to just end my life at that point, if not before. All the education, trying to do the right thing, hard work, self improvement efforts, etc. is just wasted. I've tried to increase my faith in God. It sounds bad because it was out of desperation and brokeness (even though I've always believed). But it doesn't matter. God isn't with me. You're right, it is worse during the holidays. It makes you think about all the people who have abandoned you (for me, my wife, who I adored). I'm more alone now than ever and I just want the pain to stop.
It's also the loss of all you ever hoped for in the future. That is painful. I too try to see how I am luckier than some others. I have a decent job--won't ever be rich, but my bills get paid every month. I also have a daughter who is overseas at school right now who turned out to be a thoughtful, intelligent human being. If not for her, I might have already chosen to check out.
I hear you on the faith in God thing, too. I'm trying. It's hard to believe that God loves you when the evidence just isn't there.
It's been a really looong lull and void! Really, I didn't attract men even when I was young--never had a date in high school or anything, didn't date until I was 18 and old enough to go to bars and then found out I had a good capacity for alcohol...and men there were actually attracted to me! They were called Alcoholics. I married one. I didn't realize what alcoholism really was at the time--my parents didn't drink, and I was not an addictive type myself. I was just so happy that I was going to have the chance to get married like a normal girl. After the divorce, I dated a bit--did the online thing mostly, and met...more alcoholics. That's really only all that's ever been available to me, and I'd rather be alone than do that again.
By the way, the height requirement isn't mine. My ex is about 6'4" and a mean jerk, so that's what that particular characteristic is worth, lol.
But thank you for the kind words. I enjoyed this thread today. Although I am not happy to see how many people are suffering and feeling alone, the people on this thread are far more interesting than most people I come across in "normal" social situations.
I know how it goes. It's easy to lose faith. I had a brief 2nd marriage to a "closet alcoholic." (And he was considered a "pillar" of our community!) He had other secrets and "dark sides" too! I had the marriage annulled...It took me awhile to forgive myself for being so "blind." (And stupid!) I had panic attacks and felt like a big "failure!"...Eventually I decided to work on "changing my script" so I wouldn't keep hooking up with the same type of men for the rest of my life! It took me 12 years to find a "different" kind of man but the "wait" was "worth it!" My "last" husband was a near perfect "match" for me..We were together for 29 years and happily married for almost 25 years! (Til he passed away last year.) Doing the work to "change my script" turned things around! I used "creative visualization" techniques too!...I've always been "game" to try many things. Why not??? I like to invent my own techniques too.
I can't imagine ever wanting to get married again. My husband was the "love of my life" and a "needle in a haystack" for me...But I remember how I felt way back when. (Before I met him!) I was "burned out" on love and relationships and never expected to want to get married again...I had been on my own for 12 years after my divorce. I basically "gave up" and planned to live alone until I died. And I came to a place of acceptance about it...Then one day a "cute man" popped into my life and made me laugh and smile. We became friends and best buddies and spent all our time together. We had fun and shared our deepest thoughts and goals and dreams with each other. One day we fell in love while still remaining best friends!...Wow! I felt so lucky! He enriched my life in so many ways! There is no way to replace him and I don't want to try and replace him!....So there is really no telling what the future might have in store for us! I didn't expect to meet such a "cute man" and fall in love again! But it happened to me and it can happen to anyone when we least expect it! This is how I feel anyway!
I am so sorry for your loss!! I am also sorry for what you are going through with your son!!
As for isolation and myself, I haven't gone through anything as bad as the death of a loved one or anything but right now I am going through severe isolation because when **** gets really bad I hide...
I am not going to go into details but ugly things have happened to people that I love very much and I ahve no control over these things..so what I do is hide from the world..I dont answer my phone..I dont call anyone...People get mad at me and I think that if they really cared they would give me time!
Exactly. At 43 with the career gone and a divorce I didn't want, it is over. Nobody cares, and I don't care to talk to anyone. Life didn't work out. Had I known 10 years ago I would end up like this, I would have ended my life then. I consider that option daily now. All I have to look forward to is being broke and homeless, and thats no way to live, so why even bother?
I just looked at your profile and you are a really attractive man and I hope that you really don't feel as down about life that you wrote.. If I wasnt married I'd hunt you down LOL..Sooo, I was featured on an MSNBC video 2 years ago and it was about being happy even after losing it all in the recession...MSNBC flew out a cameraman and they filmed me for 3 days and I shared my story about how we lost our house and 3 cars and became homeless (with 6 kids and 3 cats!)...My husband was laid off in 2008--from his 6 figure income..I never saved a penny..I was a different woman back then... I bought anything and everything that the kids and I wanted... Once I spent 10,000 at the mall in 2 days on school clothes!!
What I have learned is that money and material items mean nothing!! What gets me excited now is thinking of the garden that I am going to plant soon!! Each day that I am alive (I am 41) I am happy to be alive! You know that song Me and Bobby McGee? Well, think of the line "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose," it is so true because without all of the "things" tieing us down we are "free"..
When we lost the house I thought i would die.. I wanted to die.. I remember not having enough money for a Uhaul and having to leave my life-long collection of "stuff"..Once all was said and done..and everything that I had colelcted and bought over my entire life was gone..I looked around and still had my kids and hubby and most importantly I was still alive...I cried to God and and he made me feel a sense of relief..
Don't ever forget that things will always get better..no matter what and no matter how bad things seem they do always get better.
It's also the loss of all you ever hoped for in the future. That is painful. I too try to see how I am luckier than some others. I have a decent job--won't ever be rich, but my bills get paid every month. I also have a daughter who is overseas at school right now who turned out to be a thoughtful, intelligent human being. If not for her, I might have already chosen to check out.
I hear you on the faith in God thing, too. I'm trying. It's hard to believe that God loves you when the evidence just isn't there.
I have more of a metaphysical view about the "source" and "universe" and "after life" etc..And this helps me. I don't think in terms of a "Father God." (But whatever works for others is fine with me! I don't claim to know everything!)...I know that I have to find a way to develop "love" for myself. And a sense of "deservingness!"....Sometimes this is easy. But at other times it seems "next to impossible!" (It requires a lot more "work" in other words!)...Lately I've had to work through "abandonment issues" and feelings. I have to let the pain come out! And anger! And self pity etc..I have to let myself "be human!" And process all the feelings...YUK! But I always benefit from being real and honest with myself in the end.(Even though I have to "feel pain" and "feel deserted" and "feel forgotten" and abandoned and "left for dead" etc.) All of these feelings reflect "who I am." They are all part of my human experience in this lifetime....Good thing that I have other feelings at times too! So I don't "live in hell" all the time! Anyway it's all a "balancing act." Don't you think?
I just looked at your profile and you are a really attractive man and I hope that you really don't feel as down about life that you wrote.. If I wasnt married I'd hunt you down LOL..Sooo, I was featured on an MSNBC video 2 years ago and it was about being happy even after losing it all in the recession...MSNBC flew out a cameraman and they filmed me for 3 days and I shared my story about how we lost our house and 3 cars and became homeless (with 6 kids and 3 cats!)...My husband was laid off in 2008--from his 6 figure income..I never saved a penny..I was a different woman back then... I bought anything and everything that the kids and I wanted... Once I spent 10,000 at the mall in 2 days on school clothes!!
What I have learned is that money and material items mean nothing!! What gets me excited now is thinking of the garden that I am going to plant soon!! Each day that I am alive (I am 41) I am happy to be alive! You know that song Me and Bobby McGee? Well, think of the line "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose," it is so true because without all of the "things" tieing us down we are "free"..
When we lost the house I thought i would die.. I wanted to die.. I remember not having enough money for a Uhaul and having to leave my life-long collection of "stuff"..Once all was said and done..and everything that I had colelcted and bought over my entire life was gone..I looked around and still had my kids and hubby and most importantly I was still alive...I cried to God and and he made me feel a sense of relief..
Don't ever forget that things will always get better..no matter what and no matter how bad things seem they do always get better.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and all the lessons you've learned along the way! Congratulations on all your "growth!"
I am so sorry for your loss!! I am also sorry for what you are going through with your son!!
As for isolation and myself, I haven't gone through anything as bad as the death of a loved one or anything but right now I am going through severe isolation because when **** gets really bad I hide...
I am not going to go into details but ugly things have happened to people that I love very much and I ahve no control over these things..so what I do is hide from the world..I dont answer my phone..I dont call anyone...People get mad at me and I think that if they really cared they would give me time!
Thanks for caring! I'm sorry that life has been so hard for you lately...Some people "mean well" but they don't really understand what we are going through. It's hard for me to settle for endless "chit chat" right now. Diversions can be good but I don't want to limit what I say just so I won't make other people feel uncomfortable...Do you feel this way too?I spend most of my time alone. Except I'm here sharing my thoughts and feeling. (In an effort to "stay sane!") But it's time for me to get up and "do stuff" in the larger world now! Take care and thanks for writing. I hope things "turn around" in your life soon. I'm sure hoping that my son can talk soon and regain all of his brain functions.
I have more of a metaphysical view about the "source" and "universe" and "after life" etc..And this helps me. I don't think in terms of a "Father God." (But whatever works for others is fine with me! I don't claim to know everything!)...I know that I have to find a way to develop "love" for myself. And a sense of "deservingness!"....Sometimes this is easy. But at other times it seems "next to impossible!" (It requires a lot more "work" in other words!)...Lately I've had to work through "abandonment issues" and feelings. I have to let the pain come out! And anger! And self pity etc..I have to let myself "be human!" And process all the feelings...YUK! But I always benefit from being real and honest with myself in the end.(Even though I have to "feel pain" and "feel deserted" and "feel forgotten" and abandoned and "left for dead" etc.) All of these feelings reflect "who I am." They are all part of my human experience in this lifetime....Good thing that I have other feelings at times too! So I don't "live in hell" all the time! Anyway it's all a "balancing act." Don't you think?
It is a balancing act. Sometimes things get off-balance.
By the way, although I practice Christianity, mostly because I did find a small church where I am comfortable and that's one dynamic I am familiar with, I am not of the opinion that one religion is the only way. I know very well what you are speaking of with the infinite source and the universe and I incorporate those concepts into my own life. (Very into synchronicity and what is sometimes termed "flow", as well.) Because of certain experiences of a family member, I do not rule out reincarnation in some form as a possibility, whether as individual entities or as part of a larger energy source. We seek our pathways spiritually as is best for each of us, and one concept may work better for some than others and one concept may work better for the same individuals at different points in one's journey.
One of my favorite quotes: You poor wretch. You bear God within you, and know it not. ~Epicticus
It is a balancing act. Sometimes things get off-balance.
By the way, although I practice Christianity, mostly because I did find a small church where I am comfortable and that's one dynamic I am familiar with, I am not of the opinion that one religion is the only way. I know very well what you are speaking of with the infinite source and the universe and I incorporate those concepts into my own life. (Very into synchronicity and what is sometimes termed "flow", as well.) Because of certain experiences of a family member, I do not rule out reincarnation in some form as a possibility, whether as individual entities or as part of a larger energy source. We seek our pathways spiritually as is best for each of us, and one concept may work better for some than others and one concept may work better for the same individuals at different points in one's journey.
One of my favorite quotes: You poor wretch. You bear God within you, and know it not. ~Epicticus
Good that you found a church you like! Thanks for posting! I should have "been gone" awhile ago but I'm going to have to "oil myself" so I can get out of this "paralyzed state!" Think I'll take a hot bath and cry my eyes out for awhile. (Then I'll feel better!)...I believe that we live many different lives. For some reason this makes sense to me. It's hard for me to believe in hell. (When this life can seem like hell at times!)...The "universe" or my "higher self" (or whatever) had to "move a lot of mountains" in order for me and my husband to "meet!" I had spent my whole life in suburbs around Los Angeles and planned to stay there. Then out of the blue I kept getting a strong urge to move to a beach city south of me. (In Orange Co.) The urge grew stronger and stronger and wouldn't go away. I didn't know a "soul" in this beach city but I finally decided to pack up and move there! My parents and everyone thought I was crazy!....My husband-to-be lived on the East Coast at the time. And he kept getting strong urges to move back to CA. It just so happened that his Mom and most of his family lived in this beach city...Anyway we both listened to our inner guidance and urges and we met soon after I moved down there!
No one wants to hear others whine and moan about their problems to put it bluntly.
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After the divorce, I dated a bit--did the online thing mostly, and met...more alcoholics. That's really only all that's ever been available to me, and I'd rather be alone than do that again.
