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35, male, no kids, divorced. Mom died of breast cancer in may of 09. Estranged father came into the picture back in August, I was the only of my 2 brothers to give him a 2nd chance after 20+ years, then he died suddenly of a heart attack just a month into he and I making amends. Now I'm drained. I just wanna disappear. I am beyond numb. I just don't really care anymore about anything. Seems life just keeps Getting harder and harder. I can honestly say I don't really care anymore about anything or anyone. I'm not suicidal or homicidal I don't wish harm or good on anyone. My doc n Meds are not helping. So does it make me a monster to just not give a damn anymore?
I think many people feel that way after a lot of emotional things happening in a relatively short period of time. It protects us from having to deal with too much all at once. Our mind can only sort through so much before it gets flipped to overload.
You just need time to grieve, time to absorb the emotions, and some time out from the heavy burdens.
When the time is right you will start enjoying life again.
I had 2 years of many serious issues all at once...divorce, mother dying, moving, single motherhood, dog dying, extreme financial hardships. All of these types of things can cause depression that may not be medical depression. If meds are not helping its because you don't have the medical version of depression , you simply have the heartache that needs time to repair itself and for the world to turn rightside up once again. You'll be ok. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and then you'll find one day the sun will shine and you will feel like doing something fun and you will know you are through it and ready for life again. Don't put extra guilt on yourself for feeling as you do, its quite normal.
Last edited by 60sfemi; 02-10-2012 at 01:40 PM..
Reason: missed word
I think that not caring is due to a heart that's wounded and "shut down" ... a heart that is not open because it can't bare to feel because of the pain that it's endured.
Though i do think that there's a bio-chemical facet of depression, i perceive that state as being essentially about a heart that is not "singing" ... that's not alive.
The deadened and numbed out feeling is an issue of the heart.
I'm speaking of the "spiritual" heart btw.
That place where one may feel wrenching pain when there is great loss.
So no, of course it doesn't make you a "monster".
It makes you comfortably or uncomfortably numb.
It's obvious your heart has taken some big hits in the last few years. You've had a lot of heart ache and heart break.
It's no wonder you are feeling deeply discouraged. (the root of courage > 'cor' from latin and the prefix "dis" means 'apart' or 'away' so being discouraged is being away from or apart from the heart)
I've dealt with depression on and off for my entire life and being numb is not at all comfortable for me. It's the worse state .... like being dead but still having to haul around a body. Like walking dead.
So for me it's about how to have and keep an open heart ... how to love and feel despite the pain that life entails.
I'd rather be sad and sobbing till i can't breathe than feeling dead and not caring.
You like Pink Floyd?
One of my favorite songs is "Comfortably Numb" (can make me cry but it also gives me hope at the same time 'cause it reaches my heart) and since i love Van Morrison too, i love this version.
(also it accompanied a very sexy scene with a very sexy Leonardo D. in "The Departed" )
The last lyrics are key.
How do we reawaken the child and retrieve our ability to dream again and to feel truly alive again?
Anti-depressants are sometimes helpful (not for me) but to really get free of depression is, imo, about getting to the crux of it all and awakening the heart which, to me, is what the child is essentially about.
Depression, imo, is a spiritual dilemma despite bio-chemistry which, btw, is not a fixed thing and can change with true transformation. (sorry, i'm babbling. It's just that i'm aslo dealing with some heavy depression these days so i'm talking to myself as well).
"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown the dream is gone
I'm in complete ....Whoah. your all so great, all your comments have made me feel a tad bit human again. That's exactly how I feel, I don't wanna live but damn sure don't wanna die. Seems even family don't understand me. And the Pink Floyd song has always been a favorite, I also draw inspiration from Roger Waters solo songs and Blue October. Thank you all,I truly love you for your support, and being non judgemental.
I'm in complete ....Whoah. your all so great, all your comments have made me feel a tad bit human again. That's exactly how I feel, I don't wanna live but damn sure don't wanna die. Seems even family don't understand me. And the Pink Floyd song has always been a favorite, I also draw inspiration from Roger Waters solo songs and Blue October. Thank you all,I truly love you for your support, and being non judgemental.
Hang in there. Sometimes (as 60sfemi implies) all we can do is put one foot in front of the other as dreary as that is.
That's where i am these days.
But change happens.
Roger Waters =
35, male, no kids, divorced. Mom died of breast cancer in may of 09. Estranged father came into the picture back in August, I was the only of my 2 brothers to give him a 2nd chance after 20+ years, then he died suddenly of a heart attack just a month into he and I making amends. Now I'm drained. I just wanna disappear. I am beyond numb. I just don't really care anymore about anything. Seems life just keeps Getting harder and harder. I can honestly say I don't really care anymore about anything or anyone. I'm not suicidal or homicidal I don't wish harm or good on anyone. My doc n Meds are not helping. So does it make me a monster to just not give a damn anymore?
You are not alone and you are certainly NOT a monster! You're just a human being trying to move through life that at times can be extremely tough and heartless.
With every breath you take there is ALWAYS hope for a better day, week, month, year. Sometimes we lose sight of hope and want to give up and feel like we just don't give a damn, it happens to the best of us. Hang in there, things will get better!
Sometimes we know it's (losing hope) coming and are powerless to stop it or sometimes we are completely blindsided. Just have faith that the clouds will depart and the sun will come back out. Sometimes we have to endure cloudy days in order to enjoy/appreciate the sunshine.
I, too am feeling like I don't really care or give a damn anymore, it has been months of a downward spiral into a stagnant existence, but I know my sunny day is coming soon because I'm still breathing, walking and talking. I'm a little older, so it will take a little more time to get back in "the saddle", but I'll get there!
no it does not make you a monster to just not care anymores. i went to bereavement counseling/group late last year and maybe that is something u can do it is a little different then regular therapy b/c its a group of people that talk about their loved one that passed, share stories and also we went out to eat once after to relax. they went bowling once too together but i didn't go. its not the same as like a CBT therapy.
35, male, no kids, divorced. Mom died of breast cancer in may of 09. Estranged father came into the picture back in August, I was the only of my 2 brothers to give him a 2nd chance after 20+ years, then he died suddenly of a heart attack just a month into he and I making amends. Now I'm drained. I just wanna disappear. I am beyond numb. I just don't really care anymore about anything. Seems life just keeps Getting harder and harder. I can honestly say I don't really care anymore about anything or anyone. I'm not suicidal or homicidal I don't wish harm or good on anyone. My doc n Meds are not helping. So does it make me a monster to just not give a damn anymore?
Well...life DOES just keep on getting harder and harder.
You have had a couple major blows in a short amount of time. I think sometimes we just shut down as a mode of self-protection. It certainly doesn't make you a monster. Time and chance may bring you something different, but in the meanwhile, go easy on yourself.
Of course you care- you care about the few things that really matter and effect life - things of importance - probably you have matured and don't care about things that are not worth even thinking about - sounds like you are on the right track ..."do you CARE to have a feud with a miserable neighbour that is spoiling for a fight?" - Of course not - or do you care about what some idiot might say about you? If you are going to CARE - care about things that are important..these things are few - and a more simple approach to life makes things easier.
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