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If I were in your shoes, I'd contact a private psychologist for a few appts. and see how it goes. Explain your fears about hospitalization. Remember, no one can make you go inpatient! I think your fears are valid, frankly...never would I want to go either...group therapy is useless.
The outpatient suggestion is good too. Find a mental health facility with those types of programs...key is finding that someone you can actually talk to, which might take a few different appts.
You need to get your thoughts UP AND OUT so they don't make you sick.
Are you on any psych meds? Ever taken any??
If you are not comfortable with above, dm any one of us to listen to you and offer feedback when appropriate. We have experience but most are not therapists, though there are some therapists on CD.
I'm in a better place today. The beginning of the week was rough.
A lot of the self-bullying I was doing was connected to my relationship, and feeling secure in it, and while I really needed to talk to my partner about these things, I was in a circular holding pattern of feeling like if I shared with him I'd be dumping a load of icky bummer stuff on him. That I would then be making myself an even less appealing partner that he would be even less enthusiastic about being with, and filled with the doubts I was feeling, I was just letting it run amok in my head. But I did talk to him last night, and it helped. A whole lot. I did have to really argue that I wasn't "mad at him" which is a place he goes to, when I'm not happy...I needed him to understand that when I was feeling these things, it is never a matter of anger directed at another person, I turn the knives in on myself. It's a disconnect I've had with men, before. I think that their natural mode when not happy with things tends to blame someone and get mad, so they don't understand that their assumption that I'd do that, and subsequently defending themselves against their perception of it...that does not help. I'm not attacking them, I'm attacking ME.
From the perspective I have today, I am thinking about what kind of responses from those close to me in my real life, would be more helpful and less helpful, and I'm trying to write some of that information into memory so that I can be a good support to friends and loved ones when they struggle, too.
My son also persuaded me to eat last night, which was good. That is one of the physical signs that I'm getting too far into a bad state, I smoke a lot, eat almost nothing, and want to sleep constantly. The bad physical self-care, of course, makes my brain wonkier too, and it does that vicious circle business. It takes some effort to break that, STOP it, and push myself in a different direction.
If I were in your shoes, I'd contact a private psychologist for a few appts. and see how it goes. Explain your fears about hospitalization. Remember, no one can make you go inpatient! I think your fears are valid, frankly...never would I want to go either...group therapy is useless.
The outpatient suggestion is good too. Find a mental health facility with those types of programs...key is finding that someone you can actually talk to, which might take a few different appts.
You need to get your thoughts UP AND OUT so they don't make you sick.
Are you on any psych meds? Ever taken any??
If you are not comfortable with above, dm any one of us to listen to you and offer feedback when appropriate. We have experience but most are not therapists, though there are some therapists on CD.
Regarding meds...
The only time, was in the middle of my marriage, when my desire for my ex had waned and he was very much convinced that it was because there was "something wrong with me" which he had me pretty well convinced of as well. My primary doctor put me on Ritalin for some reason, which made me feel completely incapable of understanding the world around me. I stopped taking it. In hindsight, my lack of interest in my ex was a matter of just not liking him very much and not feeling emotionally safe with him, it was not a matter of mental illness, and his insistence that it was, was one of many instances of gaslighting he did and still attempts at times.
What is very bizarre to me, is that when I was in an unhappy marriage, I didn't get depressed except when he was deployed, not because I was really more ok, but because I felt so busy always tending to him and his stuff that I gave myself zero space to think about me. And I was not insecure, because I did not care. The relationship I have now, I think is a million times better, but I get scared about possible threats to it. It MATTERS to me and that terrifies me. And when I become afraid, I become convinced I don't deserve it...or anything good at all. But while I may have been more functional most of the time in a bad relationship, I don't think I was more mentally healthy. Just cold and numb like a machine. The 4 years since our breakup I feel I'm exploring my humanity and it's just difficult and painful at times. I'm having to actually confront and try to process things I'd simply locked away for most of my life.
I do need a therapist. I've just struggled to find one that I could see outside of my work hours, and I don't feel ok to miss work to go.
Perhaps your fears are unfounded about your relationship....have you considered that? We all have enough to deal with without focusing on a future possible problem . Can you discuss with him your feelings? To relax and focus on the now can be hard....but not to do so raises anxiety.
There is Doctor's on Demand, a service where you can see a licensed therapist ONLINE (skype I guess) and have your therapy that way, at your convenience. Dr. Phil's son started this business. Check it out or there are a few other similar businesses like it online.
Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? That's a possible avenue, for a proper diagnosis and medication therapy as indicated. You might be dealing with an unknown diagnosis that is holding you hostage.
I am moving this weekend. It's been hugely stressful these last few weeks getting everything ready by myself. The closer to the moving ate it gets, the more stressful it is. If I make it through this weekend, I might be good to go.
I am moving back to Columbia, a much bigger city than I live in now with better services and public transit. I'll be living with friends. The isolation of living by myself here in the boonies without my own transportation has really taken a toll on me.
So, first things first is getting through this weekend. My anxiety level is through the roof.
I am moving this weekend. It's been hugely stressful these last few weeks getting everything ready by myself. The closer to the moving ate it gets, the more stressful it is. If I make it through this weekend, I might be good to go.
I am moving back to Columbia, a much bigger city than I live in now with better services and public transit. I'll be living with friends. The isolation of living by myself here in the boonies without my own transportation has really taken a toll on me.
So, first things first is getting through this weekend. My anxiety level is through the roof.
I am SOOOO happy to jump on this page and see that you are moving. I have been wondering when that would happen. Congratulations!
You will get through the next few days. Just rest every opportunity you can. I know you have some physical challenges, and moving (even if you're not lifting boxes) can take a serious physical toll in addition to the stress.
So excited for you and the coming improvement to your situation
I am moving this weekend. It's been hugely stressful these last few weeks getting everything ready by myself. The closer to the moving ate it gets, the more stressful it is. If I make it through this weekend, I might be good to go.
I am moving back to Columbia, a much bigger city than I live in now with better services and public transit. I'll be living with friends. The isolation of living by myself here in the boonies without my own transportation has really taken a toll on me.
So, first things first is getting through this weekend. My anxiety level is through the roof.
I have not been on this thread long, so I don't know the whole background, but moving to a location with better opportunities can definitely do wonders for one's outlook on life. Joe, I am happy to hear that you're getting out of the "boonies" and I, too, wish you all the best!
My outlook is 180 degrees better this week than it was last week. I feel like a different person, which is a little weird, but not bad. I'm still going to the Mental Health Support discussion group tonight, though. I mean, it feels odd since I'm not "in the struggle" at the moment, and when I'm not sunk in that I seem (to myself and others) like a very, VERY sane human, but that gloomier self is still in there. I haven't heard the last of her and I know it.
I think, before I consider meds, one thing I would like to do is try and document my moods somewhat. I have this feeling that my perception of how often I'm in a positive or negative mindset, might not be entirely accurate. I want to start marking it on a calendar or something, so I have an idea about the reality of this... And one question I have, or concern I guess, maybe those more experienced with meds can help me with this...
If you are highly functional most of the time, and you feel that you NEED to be, and you only drop into dangerous territory say less than 10% of the time or something, and even though you have some rather morbid ideation then, it doesn't get to a point where you really feel close to DOING anything about it... It falls more in urges, thoughts, moods...and what I worry about is, I might take something, and it might help keep me from falling as deep into that, but it might impair my usual "highly functional" states, too. Maybe for a time while I adjust, which would still be more than my life could bear with all of the responsibilities that I have, or maybe permanently? Will I sacrifice something out of my "good" 90% to fix my "bad" 10% if that makes any sense?
I mean this is why I never gave any attempt with medication very much time, my life just does not allow me to be non-functional or brain foggy for very long. I'm an analyst, my employer won't be ok with me being like, "Well, I can't get these reports together, because I can't think, but if I just hang in there for another month or two, I'll probably adjust." You know?
I have not been on this thread long, so I don't know the whole background, but moving to a location with better opportunities can definitely do wonders for one's outlook on life. Joe, I am happy to hear that you're getting out of the "boonies" and I, too, wish you all the best!
My outlook is 180 degrees better this week than it was last week. I feel like a different person, which is a little weird, but not bad. I'm still going to the Mental Health Support discussion group tonight, though. I mean, it feels odd since I'm not "in the struggle" at the moment, and when I'm not sunk in that I seem (to myself and others) like a very, VERY sane human, but that gloomier self is still in there. I haven't heard the last of her and I know it.
I think, before I consider meds, one thing I would like to do is try and document my moods somewhat. I have this feeling that my perception of how often I'm in a positive or negative mindset, might not be entirely accurate. I want to start marking it on a calendar or something, so I have an idea about the reality of this... And one question I have, or concern I guess, maybe those more experienced with meds can help me with this...
If you are highly functional most of the time, and you feel that you NEED to be, and you only drop into dangerous territory say less than 10% of the time or something, and even though you have some rather morbid ideation then, it doesn't get to a point where you really feel close to DOING anything about it... It falls more in urges, thoughts, moods...and what I worry about is, I might take something, and it might help keep me from falling as deep into that, but it might impair my usual "highly functional" states, too. Maybe for a time while I adjust, which would still be more than my life could bear with all of the responsibilities that I have, or maybe permanently? Will I sacrifice something out of my "good" 90% to fix my "bad" 10% if that makes any sense?
I mean this is why I never gave any attempt with medication very much time, my life just does not allow me to be non-functional or brain foggy for very long. I'm an analyst, my employer won't be ok with me being like, "Well, I can't get these reports together, because I can't think, but if I just hang in there for another month or two, I'll probably adjust." You know?
Great on the meeting.....
My meds only made me a bit groggy for the first several days....now I have NO
untowards symptoms at all, just FYI.
Only you can determine what you want to do but please if you find need for a therapist get one or discuss your issues with your family MD.
This is how I know depression and sadness are different things entirely. I have just moved from near complete isolation to living with good friends. The AC works here whereas it did not work where I moved from. I got three channels of TV there. We have hundreds of channels here. I’ve been to the lake already since moving as well as to a baseball game
I am in a better place here literally and figuratively, but I still feel lost and disconnected. I am depressed. I find myself thinking about my ex more than fours years after she left. I miss my kids. I ffeel like don’t belong here. I feel like don’t belong anywhere.
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