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Yes, this will be what many of you would think of as a weird thread.
I love toads. They're not pets, and I don't cuddle them or give them names or anything like that, but I very much enjoy seeing them in my yard, and I go out of my way to NOT disturb them or harm them in any way. I know they are great for my garden, and I say hello to them when I see them, and maybe that's a bit nuts too. (Oh, well. )
But a couple of weeks ago, I had to take my kitty Hansel in to the vet for our final goodbye, and I was a total wreck because I'd had him for almost 16 years and he was the best kitty EVER, and I got to the vet and we can't go directly in because of COVID restrictions so I parked my car and got Hansel's carrier out of the car and put it on the hood of the car so I could see him and talk to him and pet him while we waited.
And when I opened the front driver's-side door, I saw that a toad must have jumped onto the car when that door was open, and I didn't SEE him so I didn't know he was there, and so when I closed the door, I killed him.
I. killed. him.
And I saw that when I was waiting with Hansel for him to be taken inside to be euthanized because he was very very very sick and would not recover, could not recover, and I was a total mess ...
And I saw the dead toad.
And I was a worse mess.
And I am in total denial over Hansel's death -- I keep telling myself he is just sleeping in the next room, he will come out soon wanting to cuddle -- because if the reality hits I will go freakin' insane. (Yes, I know I will have to face it sometime, I am not totally nuts, but I can't ... yet.)
But I am also so, so, so sad at killing the toad.
How the freakin' crap can I get back to reality? Because I am not there yet, nowhere near there yet.
Ahh, Karen, that’s awful! I completely understand why you’re upset. Everything seemed to drop on you at once.
I have no advice, but wanted to send you a virtual hug.
Your Hansel is there with you, he knows how much you love him. Hang in there.
Ditto! I can't say it any better than you have.
OP, it was an accident and your baby lived a LONG life. Drop the guilt. Just remember how you are an amazing animal lover. It hurts more for those of us that are.
I'm so sorry, Karen. What an awful experience. A couple of weeks is not nearly enough time to heal from this. And I won't even tell you some of the silly things I've done to get through losing our pets. Give yourself time and you'll get through this. I'm sure Hansel was very loved and had a very happy life. Try to give yourself a break. Take care.
I am sorry for your current sadness. One of the most difficult parts of having pets in ones family is doing what needs to be done at the end of their lives. You know you did what you had to do; you will accept that gradually. It took courage to put Hansel's comfort over yours.
I understand also about the toad. What you have described is a sad accident. Maybe my sharing a memory will help -
Over 40 years ago, I "rescued" a baby rabbit. I fed it and kept it warm. One night, when snuggling with it in bed, I fell asleep before putting it in it's own little sleeping place. When I woke in the morning, I had rolled onto it during the night and it was gone. (to this day, I can't really say this - it was dead but I use the euphemism "gone"... smh)
I did that. It was stupid and sad and irreversible. I never really forgave myself. What did I learn? Not to do it again. (handy quote from the movie Burn After Reading) But what I really learned, and it took me several weeks if not longer to realize this, was to take a step back and view my actions from a broader perspective. A longer term perspective. All I could really do was continue to be good and kind to all critters, in order to increase the comfort and decrease the pain. That is all I can do and that is all you can do. (this experience also helped me to be humble)
I think I understand how you feel about the toad. But I'd venture to say that you have helped more toads than you have hurt. Maybe study on line for even more ways to encourage toad environments as a constructive way to direct your sadness from this accident. We have several little toad houses in our yard - just tiny rock caves or cinder blocks laying sideways, so they can shelter in the holes. And shallow bowls of water so they can cool off - with rocks in the bottom, so they have a non-smooth surface so they can hop out when they want to.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 11-03-2021 at 06:20 AM..
Aw! I'm really sorry for your loss! How about maybe finding a nice nature spot, and going for a walk? Sometimes the dopamine release, what with the nature sounds, feeling the sun, or the bit of the chill, etc. just makes us feel better, and breaks the sad cycle for a bit.
Oh boy, do I empathize. Other than the pets I've had euthanized (another good placeholder word) I've only once in my life deliberately caused the death of an animal and this was sixty-some years ago. It wasn't an accident, like yours, but a gift of mercy. But the feelings I had then and still have about it are very unpleasant.
I told myself that never again would I do that and I just hope I'm never in the position where I feel it's necessary. It's a head/heart struggle. Reason tells you it's not your fault. Tender feelings tell you you could have/should have done differently.
It tears a little hole in the fabric of our spirituality - of where we fit in the world in relationship to other living things.
What can you do? The shock of causing a death is so onerous and jarring. I don't know if this is true but I've heard that some members of an indigenous group say an apology to the animal they killed for food. That sounded to me like a symbolic way to begin to mend that tear.
For me that little whispered "prayer" to the creature, to the universe, to all of us wanting thriving, joyous life helps comfort my guilt and grief. At some point I've realized it isn't just my grief and guilt but rather that I am somehow representing all the pain of loss humans feel everywhere every day. And, good grief, that just isn't my job.
But for a moment I will do it for all those who are so caught up in the flood of violence and loss that they can't. And how fortunate are we that we live in a world that is safe enough that the death of a wee creature can occupy our attention!
Oh boy, do I empathize. Other than the pets I've had euthanized (another good placeholder word) I've only once in my life deliberately caused the death of an animal and this was sixty-some years ago. It wasn't an accident, like yours, but a gift of mercy. But the feelings I had then and still have about it are very unpleasant.
I told myself that never again would I do that and I just hope I'm never in the position where I feel it's necessary. It's a head/heart struggle. Reason tells you it's not your fault. Tender feelings tell you you could have/should have done differently.
It tears a little hole in the fabric of our spirituality - of where we fit in the world in relationship to other living things.
What can you do? The shock of causing a death is so onerous and jarring. I don't know if this is true but I've heard that some members of an indigenous group say an apology to the animal they killed for food. That sounded to me like a symbolic way to begin to mend that tear.
For me that little whispered "prayer" to the creature, to the universe, to all of us wanting thriving, joyous life helps comfort my guilt and grief. At some point I've realized it isn't just my grief and guilt but rather that I am somehow representing all the pain of loss humans feel everywhere every day. And, good grief, that just isn't my job.
But for a moment I will do it for all those who are so caught up in the flood of violence and loss that they can't. And how fortunate are we that we live in a world that is safe enough that the death of a wee creature can occupy our attention!
Karen, The loss of the toad was a freak accident, and 100% unintentional. It unfortunately coincided with you having to say goodbye to your cat. Understandable since you are going to grieve so much longer for your kitty. I love toads too!
I ran over a squirrel in my freshman year of college and was in a creative writing class, so I wrote a rather dramatic poem about running over that squirrel. I saw it and tried to swerve but the squirrel ran the same way as my tires...we can't always control these things. How about a toad poem?
I lost my cat two years ago, had to have her euthanized. It still hurts like hell sometimes looking at photos of her beautiful eyes, and remembering that last month when she was so sick. I still even talk to her sometimes, ask for forgiveness for any cat thing I didn't know how to do perfectly...they're such sensitive creatures. I still feel responsible sometimes as she had a disease I didn't know about nor recognize she was sick the first week.
OK, I have come back to this thread many times and I've read the wonderful, kind, amazing responses, and I've rep'd as many of you as I could (usually with a little rep comment), but I figured it's time I came back and posted to say a PUBLIC "thank you."
I am still in denial over Hansel, but it is becoming harder and harder to stay that way ... today I got an automated "Happy birthday, Gretel!" message from my vet ... Gretel is, of course, Hansel's twin (what can I say, I kept their Humane Society names). She is 16 today (approximately today). Of course there was no "Happy birthday, Hansel!" message from the vet, for which I guess I should be grateful, but I still just vehemently shake my head NO NO NO NO NO at the idea that Gretel is here but Hansel isn't.
He is still sleeping in the back bedroom ... he'll be out soon, wanting to be picked up and cuddled ...
I'm still sad at the poor toad, but I absolutely loved Lodestar's message about that, so thank you, Lodestar (you were one I couldn't rep as I got the "you must spread some reputation around" message ). But your post was very beautiful and heart-warming, and I know when I read it again in the future, it will help.
Again, thank you all for your incredible kindness. It means more to me than you can know.
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)
thank you all ...
). But your post was very beautiful and heart-warming, and I know when I read it again in the future, it will help.
