Feeling guilty about blowing off the neighbor (wife, gossip, divorced)
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I mean, I know about the whole Buddhist teaching that says our enemies are our teachers but I think that pertains to situations where you have little choice to endure the offense. Maybe you've both been put together to learn from each other? Her, manners and you, patience.
I believe Buddhism also consuls to run away from bad people when you can. So yea, I'd move. I have enough patience.
Haha. I have more than enough patience as well. In fact, many people compliment me on how patient I am. The Buddhist teachings are very interesting to me. Maybe my lesson with her is that I need to be more assertive. Definitely not my strong suit. Not very fond of confrontation. Moving is not an option. We just bought the house which I love. What kind of kills me about the whole thing is, she is very religious. Isn't there some sort of christian rule to be nice to others?
Life is short. Be pleasant, but unavailable to this person.
I'd go to neighborhood gatherings, but be busy for one on one activities. If your husband wants to do things with the husband, then he should.
I'm willing to bet that if she bothers you, then she bothers some other people too. If she DOES NOT bother the other women in the neighborhood, then maybe it's you?
You also have the option of stopping the conversation when she starts gossiping, and maybe she'll get the hint.
Giving you the plants was nice, but the bottom line is if you don't like her, you don't like her. And your time belongs to you, so why would you spend it with someone you don't like?
I would first try calling her on the gossip and speaking my mind when I disagreed with her. If that doesn't run her off, maybe she'll at least tone it down. If she doesn't change, then just decide you're done with her. Life is too short to spend it with people you don't like.
You know, I think the world could use a helluva lot more maturity, and this thread is a perfect example.
On one hand, we have an obviously clueless neighbor who spouts a lot of nonsense, yet tries her best to be friendly.
On the other hand, we have a neighbor who is really thin skinned, seems to nurse petty grudges, and wants to spin every petty offense into a major drama. I mean the length of the OP says a lot.
Let me tell you which one I'd rather have as a neighbor: The one who seems to, despite her flaws, have a generous heart. Or at least tries to be hospitable.
Here's the deal. There will be people in your life with whom you do not completely agree. In fact, there are people in your life with whom you have next to nothing in common. Yet they are part of your life, whether they are a co-worker or a neighbor. And the fact that your husband seems to get along fine with her husband means that your aloofness could be costing him a friend.
There is a huge difference between being best friends for life and just simply being kind and civil. This neighbor, however much of a clod she might be, has done a lot of reaching out. She has made the extra effort to be hospitable, always extending invitations. And you have provided nothing in return. That says a lot more about you than it does about her. And if she says something stupid, surely you're adept enough to gracefully say you don't approve and move on--she'll get the message without it becoming some big confrontation. In fact, you'll probably be doing her a gigantic favor.
In short, how hard could it be to accept the occasional invitation to her barbecue? How difficult is it for you to wave back at her? So you should feel guilty about blowing her off. While you don't have to do stuff with her every day or every week, you can at least respect her enough to acknowledge her existence. It's just common courtesy.
Life is too short. I have a toxic neighbor too and I let him know I wouldn't put up with his shyt. I don't wave to him, I don't even look his way and he better not talk to me. He's a real azz and I don't put up with azzes.
Why not invite her for a one on one and just call her out on her BS? See what happens then. People run into other people for reasons. If she is decent beside her mouth she needs to be tipped off to keep that under control. I would say something to the effect of she does herself a disservice to talk like that because she seems like a really good person with a harsh mouth on some things she should be a little more respectful of. Like the mocking of a chunky child. Uncalled for. Its one thing to say the kid is fat but to come up with a name?
I think if you start becoming cozy with this woman...you'll regret it. I wouldn't feel the least bit of guilt for keeping her at a distance...do you really want people to think that you are friends with her???....Her hurtful comments about others make me think that if you do, people could judge you as feeling the same.......have you ever heard"guilty by association".
Haha. I have more than enough patience as well. In fact, many people compliment me on how patient I am. The Buddhist teachings are very interesting to me. Maybe my lesson with her is that I need to be more assertive. Definitely not my strong suit. Not very fond of confrontation. Moving is not an option. We just bought the house which I love. What kind of kills me about the whole thing is, she is very religious. Isn't there some sort of christian rule to be nice to others?
Religious people are the worse. If anyone ever says they are Christian, run the other way. Just my experiences.
Why not invite her for a one on one and just call her out on her BS? See what happens then. People run into other people for reasons. If she is decent beside her mouth she needs to be tipped off to keep that under control. I would say something to the effect of she does herself a disservice to talk like that because she seems like a really good person with a harsh mouth on some things she should be a little more respectful of. Like the mocking of a chunky child. Uncalled for. Its one thing to say the kid is fat but to come up with a name?
Calling people out is way overrated. It typically only serves to make the situation, any situation, worse. Instead, here's the nice, graceful way to end that, PDQ:
"Oh, I know you're making a joke and don't mean to be cruel, but I really believe in putting labels on children. By the way, those are some really beautiful flowers you planted over there. What are they?"
Life is short. Be pleasant, but unavailable to this person.
I'd go to neighborhood gatherings, but be busy for one on one activities. If your husband wants to do things with the husband, then he should.
I'm willing to bet that if she bothers you, then she bothers some other people too. If she DOES NOT bother the other women in the neighborhood, then maybe it's you?
You also have the option of stopping the conversation when she starts gossiping, and maybe she'll get the hint.
This.
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