Finally told my mother-in-law what I think, feeling bad afterwards (father, husband) - Issues with friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances - City-Data Forum

lastra · 11-04-2011, 02:21 PM

Hi everyone,

So, I consider my relationship with my in-laws good. My FIL is very nice, and so is my MIL for the most part. She however, has this need to constantly be in our life. I don't know is that because my husband is her only child or not, but it is what it is. They usually come to visit us every two weeks ( we live three hours away from them ), and she expects pictures of her granddaughter if not every day, at least couple of times a week. Oh, and she e-mails me every day to see how things are going. If I don't e-mail back, she'll start calling and saying why didn't we reply back etc.

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years before having a child. Needless to say, she was asking us constantly when we're going to have a child during those 5 years. After we had a daughter ( now 10 months ), she has been constantly asking us about a sibling. As a matter of fact, it hasn't been even an hour after I gave birth, and she started talking about it. Anyway, we had this discussion many times...But today, she was telling me ( again ) how we should have another one...and after a long discussion back and forth, I told her that it gets frustrating when her and other people keep asking us about that constantly, and that it shouldn't be noone else's concern but ours. And that we love her. I left it like that.

Knowing her, she will probably think I hate her now and not talk to us for couple of days. While my husband keeps telling me that I can't let my mother-in-law walk all over me all the time, and now that I finally told her what I think, I feel pretty bad that I told her this cause I know she'll get offended...I guess why I feel bad is because she's my husband's Mom...I used to just keep quiet before...but today I just felt the need to say something. Does any of you feel bad after you disagree with your in-laws? Thank you.

Joliefille · 11-04-2011, 02:27 PM

DON'T start backtracking! You were truthful with her when she crossed the line from being a close MIL to a nosy parker and if she gets HER feelings hurt-good! Thats the only thing she is understanding at this point anyway- HER feelings.

Next time she brings up an uncomfortable question or comment, stare at her and say 'Excuse me?" Or 'Why do you ask?" Then turn and walk away. She had 5 years of butting in and with a new baby its going to get worse unless you nip it in the bud.

lovesMountains · 11-04-2011, 02:28 PM

You didn't do anything wrong so quit feeling guilty.

Mom's behavior was actually rude and you were right to tell her how you felt about being constantly questioned like this. It is NO ONE else's business when you and your husband decide to have, or not have, another child.

You guys have a problem you would do well to get control of before you let 5 more years go by.

His mom doesn't have any boundries and thinks she is entitled to be in your business - she's not.

You must have your husband speak to his parents about this in a loving, but firm way. First though, the two or you must discuss what is and what isn't acceptable to you regarding them, then he should make sure they are living within those boundries.

Checkered24 · 11-04-2011, 02:28 PM

Keeping your sanity, and keeping the peace when dealing with in-laws can be trying. It sounds like your in-laws are very excited for your grandkids and are pushing a little too hard to be kept "in the loop." I would say they are doing it out of love and interest, even if it is too much!

Addressing it was necessary for your own sanity, but I am thinking your husband should have volunteered to talk to them. They are his parents after all. Maybe to reassure them that they are welcome in your lives (and that of your grandkids) but that you two need a little space and time to raise your daughter (congrats BTW) and get normal stuff done.

Best of luck!

Percentage · 11-04-2011, 02:32 PM

lol, You are too nice OP. Your MIL needed to hear what you said. I'm sure she had a shocked expression on her face when you unleashed on her... lmao

lastra · 11-04-2011, 02:36 PM

All of you have great advice and valid points. Thank you for that.

She replied and I thought she would realize that she shouldn't ask questions like that...instead, she got offended that I said "you and other people keep asking us...". She wrote: "I guess I am wrong to think, I am at a more special level than just being considered "other people"? I guess I will just have to make sure I don't ask or answer anything other than the weather from now on. Have a great evening........"

Ahhh, some things will never change...

Irishiis49 · 11-04-2011, 02:38 PM

Next step your husband needs to speak to his mother and let her know that he agrees with you!!You have to put and end to her intrusion now...if you backdown she will have the upper hand and your life will be pure misery!!

lovesMountains · 11-04-2011, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastra

All of you have great advice and valid points. Thank you for that.

She replied and I thought she would realize that she shouldn't ask questions like that...instead, she got offended that I said "you and other people keep asking us...". She wrote: "I guess I am wrong to think, I am at a more special level than just being considered "other people"? I guess I will just have to make sure I don't ask or answer anything other than the weather from now on. Have a great evening........"

Ahhh, some things will never change...

She is just trying to manipulate your emotions, don't let her do it!

Just let her pout and refuse to acknowledge it.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us and she needs an education. (nicely of course, as I know you love her and respect her as your hubby's mom

)

theoldnorthstate · 11-04-2011, 02:42 PM

if you told her what you think by email things can easily go negative. sorry.

let husband handle it by phone or face to face

Irishiis49 · 11-04-2011, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastra

All of you have great advice and valid points. Thank you for that.

She replied and I thought she would realize that she shouldn't ask questions like that...instead, she got offended that I said "you and other people keep asking us...". She wrote: "I guess I am wrong to think, I am at a more special level than just being considered "other people"? I guess I will just have to make sure I don't ask or answer anything other than the weather from now on. Have a great evening........"

Ahhh, some things will never change...

Oh boy your MIL is a narcissist

!It's not because your husband is an only child... it's because everything is about her

! You,your husband and child are merely "extras" in the story of her life! These type of people are extremely hard to reason with because they are incapable of seeing anything except their point of view. You and your husband need to have a united front and if she can't or won't change you may have to stop the bi weekly visits for awhile

! I know this is not fair to your father-in-law,but on some level he knows the woman he married and puts up with it!