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Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goldenmom7500
I haven't had time to read through all of the posts, but when I saw the original question, my heart stopped. Several years ago (6) I had an odd tiff with my best friend of around 10 years - we didn't communicate for a couple of months - and then we 'made up'. A few months later I found that during that time, when she had been upset with me, she initiated an email dialogue with my husband and these emails went on and on about me, just horrible stuff. They did end with her saying she was feeling very jealous of me, and she wrote a poem:
poor thing
new husband
new baby
new house (mansion really)
what a life.
It was a relief to say that maybe all of the horrible things she was saying had to do with jealousy. But it was one of the worst things anyone has ever done to me ever. I dropped her and have never been the same since. (I'm glad I dropped her, but the feelings of betrayal ...).
This is exactly what happened to me with my friend of over 20 years. Growing up, she always had that bitter edge of unhappiness that actually made me shine. She was the bad cop, I was the good cop; she was the devil, I was the angel. She had a wonderful sense of humor, but an unhappy home life as a child and then afterward in her marriage. When I moved away, I tried for years to encourage her from a distance, but she could not get over the fact that she couldn't have children and the adoption of a foster teen went tragically wrong.
I had just lost 120 lbs after being overweight most of my life and she just couldn't take it; one more thing I had that she didn't. Near the end she told me I had been a terrible friend and proceeded to tell my husband every single thing I'd told her in confidence over 20 some years. (Like what I REALLY felt about him and his drunk family, etc.) She didn't even like my husband.
She forgot that I know her secrets too. Did I call her husband? Of course not.
My ex and I had been trying to recover from his affair and she set us back in that progress to the point that he and I both agreed that it was best to divorce. She and I haven't spoken since. It's been seven years. It's as if she died.
I often dream about running into her at a high school reunion. Sometimes in those dreams, I run and hug her and tell her I forgive her (which I do forgive her) and then sometimes I dream that I run and beat the living crap out of her.
We have such great memories of growing up together; I suppose I can't get over that she was so willing to undo such a rich history of friendship, just because of jealousy.
Jealous of what? So I was finally thin, but my husband had an affair. So I have a child, but I have to work 16 hour days to keep us afloat. Jealousy blinds people; they have no depth; no common sense.
Sorry to go on and on.
Oh and that divorce she fast-tracked? She saved my life, but I will never forgive her for helping to break up my daughter's parents. She knew I was a stoic sufferer in that marriage, she knew what I'd endured....what made her think that removing me from that horrid situation would "punish" me? She improved things for me....but my daughter didn't deserve one bit of this.
Last edited by MainStreet; 11-10-2007 at 07:20 AM..
This is exactly what happened to me with my friend of over 20 years. Growing up, she always had that bitter edge of unhappiness that actually made me shine. She was the bad cop, I was the good cop; she was the devil, I was the angel. She had a wonderful sense of humor, but an unhappy home life as a child and then afterward in her marriage. When I moved away, I tried for years to encourage her from a distance, but she could not get over the fact that she couldn't have children and the adoption of a foster teen went tragically wrong.
I had just lost 120 lbs after being overweight most of my life and she just couldn't take it; one more thing I had that she didn't. Near the end she told me I had been a terrible friend and proceeded to tell my husband every single thing I'd told her in confidence over 20 some years. (Like what I REALLY felt about him and his drunk family, etc.) She didn't even like my husband.
She forgot that I know her secrets too. Did I call her husband? Of course not.
My ex and I had been trying to recover from his affair and she set us back in that progress to the point that he and I both agreed that it was best to divorce. She and I haven't spoken since. It's been seven years. It's as if she died.
I often dream about running into her at a high school reunion. Sometimes in those dreams, I run and hug her and tell her I forgive her (which I do forgive her) and then sometimes I dream that I run and beat the living crap out of her.
We have such great memories of growing up together; I suppose I can't get over that she was so willing to undo such a rich history of friendship, just because of jealousy.
Jealous of what? So I was finally thin, but my husband had an affair. So I have a child, but I have to work 16 hour days to keep us afloat. Jealousy blinds people; they have no depth; no common sense.
Sorry to go on and on.
Oh and that divorce she fast-tracked? She saved my life, but I will never forgive her for helping to break up my daughter's parents. She knew I was a stoic sufferer in that marriage, she knew what I'd endured....what made her think that removing me from that horrid situation would "punish" me? She improved things for me....but my daughter didn't deserve one bit of this.
OMG, yes, sounds so similar to my story. It's the going to the husband thing that, in both of our stories, is so underhanded. Sabotage really, regardless of, you know, the ultimate outcome. The forgiveness issue does trouble me - I think forgiveness benefits the forgiver most (and all that) but in this case I had to walk away and will never regret doing so.
She never really talked to me about it. *I* believe she was upset we were relocating for better jobs. I think she expected us to stay. We had been the best of friends for years. We spent holidays together and traveled the world. I will always miss her.
This is how I seemed to lose most of my friends. Some have stayed in touch, yet most will not answer calls or letters/email.
I guess life is an in the "moment" kind of thing.
I just found out a friend who was so mad at me for relocating she told me in so many words not to ever call her again, is dying from advanced liver cancer. I called as soon as I heard, but, she is on so much medication I don't think she knows what.
This is a great topic for study. I shall read it all over time.
Beams,Muse
This is exactly what happened to me with my friend of over 20 years. Growing up, she always had that bitter edge of unhappiness that actually made me shine. She was the bad cop, I was the good cop; she was the devil, I was the angel. She had a wonderful sense of humor, but an unhappy home life as a child and then afterward in her marriage. When I moved away, I tried for years to encourage her from a distance, but she could not get over the fact that she couldn't have children and the adoption of a foster teen went tragically wrong.
I had just lost 120 lbs after being overweight most of my life and she just couldn't take it; one more thing I had that she didn't. Near the end she told me I had been a terrible friend and proceeded to tell my husband every single thing I'd told her in confidence over 20 some years. (Like what I REALLY felt about him and his drunk family, etc.) She didn't even like my husband.
She forgot that I know her secrets too. Did I call her husband? Of course not.
My ex and I had been trying to recover from his affair and she set us back in that progress to the point that he and I both agreed that it was best to divorce. She and I haven't spoken since. It's been seven years. It's as if she died.
I often dream about running into her at a high school reunion. Sometimes in those dreams, I run and hug her and tell her I forgive her (which I do forgive her) and then sometimes I dream that I run and beat the living crap out of her.
We have such great memories of growing up together; I suppose I can't get over that she was so willing to undo such a rich history of friendship, just because of jealousy.
Jealous of what? So I was finally thin, but my husband had an affair. So I have a child, but I have to work 16 hour days to keep us afloat. Jealousy blinds people; they have no depth; no common sense.
Sorry to go on and on.
Oh and that divorce she fast-tracked? She saved my life, but I will never forgive her for helping to break up my daughter's parents. She knew I was a stoic sufferer in that marriage, she knew what I'd endured....what made her think that removing me from that horrid situation would "punish" me? She improved things for me....but my daughter didn't deserve one bit of this.
this woman had some major problems...although it still hurts, but most important to remember is, no matter what you would have done, even if you would have been God, she wouldn't have been able to take the pressure...I believe she wanted so much to be you and couldn't and it really broke her...
strange, but true...some people are just a wreck and it's a shame.
OMG, yes, sounds so similar to my story. It's the going to the husband thing that, in both of our stories, is so underhanded. Sabotage really, regardless of, you know, the ultimate outcome. The forgiveness issue does trouble me - I think forgiveness benefits the forgiver most (and all that) but in this case I had to walk away and will never regret doing so.
well said....
have you heard to forgive you must forget? I don't believe that...I think it is very possible to forgive but important to remember as a lesson in life.
Well I guess it was a mutual decision to break up with my best gay friend.
He basically just started acting aloof and cold towards me when we went out in public. He would start up conversations with other people and then leave me out.
He did some inappropriate (illegal) things at dance clubs before that I will not mention in the forum that I did NOT approve of nor did I encourage or participate in the activity. But I wanted to look beyond that and only focus on his fun personality. Also he had an addiction of some sort and I wanted to look beyond that too.
But he stood me up for our night out and I said that was it. I had enough and stopped the relationship. Also I don't have any animosity towards him at all. I think we had so many amazing and fun nights out together, and I am glad the friendship did not end in a fight or bitter battle.
Quote:
Originally Posted by I LOVE PA!
just curious...has anyone broken a long friendship? What brought you to that decision? Did you regret it later on?
I have done this with a friend, and sometimes wonder if it was irrational or should I have just got over our diffference. In the end, she idd something that really hurt my feelings, said she was sorry that my feeling were hurt but still didn't agree that I should have been hurt by what she had done. I just felt she was not the person I thought she was, she took advantage of me in a big way. We were friends for 10 yrs and I just broke off all contact with her.
Anyone else been through this?
after reading everyone's stories...well, simply said, they all remind me of why I've decided to more or less be a loner...I was a loner as a child...but now more then ever, after enduring such with others...well, it's just easier to do so. yanno?
I'm probably one of the oldest contributing to this forum and really am enjoying the (for the most part) very well-written, intelligent and thought-provoking discourse on so many diverse subjects about relationships.
It's an old adage and I don't remember who coined it, but it goes something like this: "If you can count your real friends on one hand, you're a most fortunate person."
Many years ago I was married to a man who, after we had been married for only a little over a year, contracted a strain of viral encephalitis for which there was no cure. The whole scene was devastating beyond belief. The hospital did all it could do but after a few weeks were unable to do anything more. A nursing home run by a friend of mine tried to cope with him and his brain damage but couldn't deal with his violent episodes after a couple of weeks and, to cut a long story short, there was no option but to place him in a state-run mental institution.
I was living in a nightmare zone. His parents were totally dysfunctional (alcoholics) and the few people I allowed to come and see him were scared to death of him.
I had one very good friend in whom I confided. I would go back home after visiting my husband and call her, venting my frustration on her listening ear and cherishing that ear because she truly seemed to understand how much I needed the outlet. She had accompanied me one day to the institution and was horrified at his condition, just stood there obviously dumbstruck.
One day, about a year after he was initially hospitalized, I was as usual visiting my husband. He had regained very minimal speech, was laying in his bed and, as I was about to leave he said, "I luff you! Kiss!" I bent down to give him a kiss and, before I knew it, he grabbed my lower lip between his teeth and chewed down. Blood was flowing, there were no aides around and the man in the next bed of this two-bed room who had told me on a previous occasion that he'd killed his wife and children, was flailing his arms cartwheel-style and laughing up a storm as I was pinned there.
I finally managed to wrench myself free. Blood dripping from my lips, I backed way off, looked at my husband and said, "You son of a *****!" He lay there and just laughed demonically and then said, "I luff you, kiss?" laughing all the while.
An aide arrived, helped me clean up and apologized for not having been more watchful and I drove home in a state of shock. I called my friend/confidante an hour or so later to tell her what had happened. During the course of our conversation I blurted out, "I don't know how much more I can take. I wish he would have just died from the get-go!"
A couple of days later when I called my friend she was very "chilly." It was obvious that something was wrong and, when I pressed her to tell me why she was being so cold, she finally said, "I was very upset when you told me the other night that you wished that (he) had died from the get-go and I can't continue our relationship because such a thought is completely against my Catholic belief." I was flabbergasted beyond belief but nothing I tried to say registered and we never spoke again.
Just writing this down has been exhausting and has drained me. It was so long ago - over two decades now - but although wounds heal, scars remain. To complete this part of my life story (!) my husband did eventually regain his basic faculties but was suddenly and without notice released to my care one fine sunny New England day. President Reagan was in the process of downsizing all the state mental institutions. The medical and psychiatric team assured me that if there were problems they would readmit him. There were awful problems which I called them about but they never took him back.
Within the next month he stole my car and I never saw it again, he completely emptied the apartment we were living in.
I knew I was living in a psychological maelstrom and needed help but it took going through three professional counsellors/psychiatrists before I finally found "the one" who got me back on track and helped me more than he will ever know.
I was finally granted a divorce. The last I heard about the poor ex-husband about 15 years ago, he had ended up in another New England state, had married an alcoholic, they had a child which was taken away from them by the state and there the trail ends.
But, just another "friend dun gone" tale. Oh, and by the way, good Catholic friend apparently ended up divorced. Ho ho ho, how about THAT for being so devoutly judgemental!
Lives change, people change. Unless one lives in 'TV ad Walmart-land,' people come and go. Sorry if I've been long-winded but you know how seniors can be. We just have SO much in our brains. Cheers!
I'm probably one of the oldest contributing to this forum and really am enjoying the (for the most part) very well-written, intelligent and thought-provoking discourse on so many diverse subjects about relationships.
It's an old adage and I don't remember who coined it, but it goes something like this: "If you can count your real friends on one hand, you're a most fortunate person."
Many years ago I was married to a man who, after we had been married for only a little over a year, contracted a strain of viral encephalitis for which there was no cure. The whole scene was devastating beyond belief. The hospital did all it could do but after a few weeks were unable to do anything more. A nursing home run by a friend of mine tried to cope with him and his brain damage but couldn't deal with his violent episodes after a couple of weeks and, to cut a long story short, there was no option but to place him in a state-run mental institution.
I was living in a nightmare zone. His parents were totally dysfunctional (alcoholics) and the few people I allowed to come and see him were scared to death of him.
I had one very good friend in whom I confided. I would go back home after visiting my husband and call her, venting my frustration on her listening ear and cherishing that ear because she truly seemed to understand how much I needed the outlet. She had accompanied me one day to the institution and was horrified at his condition, just stood there obviously dumbstruck.
One day, about a year after he was initially hospitalized, I was as usual visiting my husband. He had regained very minimal speech, was laying in his bed and, as I was about to leave he said, "I luff you! Kiss!" I bent down to give him a kiss and, before I knew it, he grabbed my lower lip between his teeth and chewed down. Blood was flowing, there were no aides around and the man in the next bed of this two-bed room who had told me on a previous occasion that he'd killed his wife and children, was flailing his arms cartwheel-style and laughing up a storm as I was pinned there.
I finally managed to wrench myself free. Blood dripping from my lips, I backed way off, looked at my husband and said, "You son of a *****!" He lay there and just laughed demonically and then said, "I luff you, kiss?" laughing all the while.
An aide arrived, helped me clean up and apologized for not having been more watchful and I drove home in a state of shock. I called my friend/confidante an hour or so later to tell her what had happened. During the course of our conversation I blurted out, "I don't know how much more I can take. I wish he would have just died from the get-go!"
A couple of days later when I called my friend she was very "chilly." It was obvious that something was wrong and, when I pressed her to tell me why she was being so cold, she finally said, "I was very upset when you told me the other night that you wished that (he) had died from the get-go and I can't continue our relationship because such a thought is completely against my Catholic belief." I was flabbergasted beyond belief but nothing I tried to say registered and we never spoke again.
Just writing this down has been exhausting and has drained me. It was so long ago - over two decades now - but although wounds heal, scars remain. To complete this part of my life story (!) my husband did eventually regain his basic faculties but was suddenly and without notice released to my care one fine sunny New England day. President Reagan was in the process of downsizing all the state mental institutions. The medical and psychiatric team assured me that if there were problems they would readmit him. There were awful problems which I called them about but they never took him back.
Within the next month he stole my car and I never saw it again, he completely emptied the apartment we were living in.
I knew I was living in a psychological maelstrom and needed help but it took going through three professional counsellors/psychiatrists before I finally found "the one" who got me back on track and helped me more than he will ever know.
I was finally granted a divorce. The last I heard about the poor ex-husband about 15 years ago, he had ended up in another New England state, had married an alcoholic, they had a child which was taken away from them by the state and there the trail ends.
But, just another "friend dun gone" tale. Oh, and by the way, good Catholic friend apparently ended up divorced. Ho ho ho, how about THAT for being so devoutly judgemental!
Lives change, people change. Unless one lives in 'TV ad Walmart-land,' people come and go. Sorry if I've been long-winded but you know how seniors can be. We just have SO much in our brains. Cheers!
I am shaking my head in awe...and wanting to hug you at the same time...yanno, it's so easy for someone else to judge, especially when they are not going thru what you went thru...if she had a brain in her head, she would understand, the moments of frustration, and disbelief, shock, and most assuridly...the [SIZE=3]Exhaustion [/SIZE]you were experiencing. I feel badly for you, and hope, really hope, you are not taking what this gal said as a forever blemish or your record of life...b/c we're human and we're allowed.
I cannot imagine experiencing this....and look at you today, strong woman as you are...!!!!
And yes, finding a good counselor that helps is difficult, isn't it.
I wish you a lot of luck and love....and love is all ya need...hugs....Creme
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