Ever have a relative/friend put a wedge between you & another - Yet they end up smelling like a ROSE ! ??? (jealous, father)

[Rainbow Connection]

sooo many layers to this story..
here is the latest.

My sister put a wedge between me and my mom.

Made me believe my mom was unfair to me. Made my mom think i was unfair to her.

example: my sister used to say constantly, I should never keep contact with my mom because of things she did in our childhood. "don't give her gifts! don't send flowers! don't call her! I don't !"

And "she treats the other sisters better than us! don't do anything for her"
i gave my mom a bag of clothes. my sister told me our aunt said she didn't look at the clothes and gave the entire bag to my sisters. I felt crushed. didn't speak to mom for a bit. ( mind you my sister sounded soooo convincing) I wa slooking at photos of my mom over the past few days and saw alomost ALL of the clothes i sent in that bag on my mom. SHE WAS WEARING THEM!! my sister lied through her bloody teeth!!!

now even though my sister preached about to me about giving to my mom or contacting her, after my mom passed a few weks ago.
i found out my sister saw her regularly. took her out. gave her flowers and gifts. ??????????? she even admitted t herself. now. saying well she treid not to let that stuff get to her. yet she wanted my mom and me kept apart. while it seemed like to both of us she was trying to help us and protect us.

and also found out my sister gave my mom the same speech concerning me. saying "she never comes to see you. doesn't give gifts. doesn't contact you that much!" you follow me???

yet my sister came out smelling like a rose to both of us.

i am an adult. yet feel my mom and i were somewhat brainwashed !
i came across a term called "splitting". when someone does this.

please beware if this is ever a situation with you. we both trusted my sister. now mom is dead. and i left with so, so, so many regrets and guilt.

any thoughts.

[fallingwater]

Yes but I usually ended up at the brunt end of it. With age and maturity people realize they need think for themselves. Honesty and talking problems through usually crush any wedge that starts to develop from a 3rd party. Without this, then problems fester. I went through this for many years with my husband's youngest sister. After 20+ years I think I have pretty established who I am as a person and its pretty hard to come up with outlandish lies and gossip anymore that would even be slightly believable. People like my SIL eventually lose their power when people chose to think for themselves. If my in-laws don't like me, fine but dislike me for something that is true and not fabrication. In my experience, if someone truly cares about me they will not go to the trouble to damage a relationship I have with someone else.

[Rainbow Connection]

Thank you ! I feel so ashamed I had not yet learned that lesson. Now I know it. Will learn NOT to repeat it. but at the expense of someone who truly DID love me more than what was portrayed by a controlling, selfish, negative, jealous, and unhappy person.


I see things so crystal clear now. And am a FOOL for not at the time. Now it all make sense and adds up.


Want to hear something eerily coincidental ?
2 weeks ago I had been thinking about my sister's behavior and constant interference whenever I tried to do or say something nice for Mom. Or if she found out. How she would sabotage any positive feelings I had.
I had woke up that morning with the Epiphany that her behavior was foul. And I would no longer follow her lead, let alone listen to such rubbish. It had all come to a head.


I got into the shower at about 8:10. I remember the time because looked at the clock, thinking I had to be out by 8:30 to do something. About 5 minutes into lathering up. I had decided to put my thoughts in action - call my Mom around 10:00 ( give her time to get up )and set up lunch or dinner dates once a week, and meetings. I also had a GREAT plan to send her flowers every other week. have them sent to her home
signed : "From your secret admirer - Here's looking at YOU kid!"

Then wait until Mother's day. Give her flowers in person. And as I turned around to leave -look at her and say "here's lookin' at you kid!" and wink. so she would know it was me all along who was her secret admirer.


Coincidentally, my Mother started having breathing trouble, I am told around, the same time I had decided to reach out !!! 8:15 the SAME morning. She died later in the hospital. I did get to say goodbye and tell her over and over I love her. Stroke her face. kiss her. over and over again. She was not conscious but doctors said she could still hear.


Coincidence ? Chance ? Still don't know it all means.


Just trying to forgive myself for making the biggest mistake of my life ever.

I do know I can use this lesson to be a better mother to my children, my friends and and siblings in the future. And teach those I love and others NOT to make the same mistake I did.

[Mollym313]

Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection

sooo many layers to this story..
here is the latest.

My sister put a wedge between me and my mom.

Made me believe my mom was unfair to me. Made my mom think i was unfair to her.

example: my sister used to say constantly, I should never keep contact with my mom because of things she did in our childhood. "don't give her gifts! don't send flowers! don't call her! I don't !"

And "she treats the other sisters better than us! don't do anything for her"
i gave my mom a bag of clothes. my sister told me our aunt said she didn't look at the clothes and gave the entire bag to my sisters. I felt crushed. didn't speak to mom for a bit. ( mind you my sister sounded soooo convincing) I wa slooking at photos of my mom over the past few days and saw alomost ALL of the clothes i sent in that bag on my mom. SHE WAS WEARING THEM!! my sister lied through her bloody teeth!!!

now even though my sister preached about to me about giving to my mom or contacting her, after my mom passed a few weks ago.
i found out my sister saw her regularly. took her out. gave her flowers and gifts. ??????????? she even admitted t herself. now. saying well she treid not to let that stuff get to her. yet she wanted my mom and me kept apart. while it seemed like to both of us she was trying to help us and protect us.

and also found out my sister gave my mom the same speech concerning me. saying "she never comes to see you. doesn't give gifts. doesn't contact you that much!" you follow me???

yet my sister came out smelling like a rose to both of us.

i am an adult. yet feel my mom and i were somewhat brainwashed !
i came across a term called "splitting". when someone does this.

please beware if this is ever a situation with you. we both trusted my sister. now mom is dead. and i left with so, so, so many regrets and guilt.

any thoughts.

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if that describes your sister. They create drama btw family, friends, and seem to attract it in their personal life.

They lie and have caused people to lose their jobs. They are very jealous and will try and sabbatoge others. They have a lot of attention seeking behaviors as well. They play the victim card frequently.

[mikeyking]

Originally Posted by Mollym313

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if that describes your sister. They create drama btw family, friends, and seem to attract it in their personal life.

They lie and have caused people to lose their jobs. They are very jealous and will try and sabbatoge others. They have a lot of attention seeking behaviors as well. They play the victim card frequently.

I think we all of experience of siblings who lie, backstab, undermine - its just cowardice, and there bullies who don't have gut to confront and argue properly and spend their lives trying to undermine you.

These best revenge is to beat them, be more successful and smile at them.

[Urban Sasquatch]

The kind of person you're talking about comes in all shapes and sizes, whether friendships or familial relationships.

In my case it's my father placing a wedge between me and my brother. We've already got a huge gap to bridge with 14 years between us, and my father seems hell-bent on putting a wedge in there ever more deeply -- but he plays a special game wherein he's "justifying" us to one another, appearing compassionate.

"I don't think Larry likes you. I was mentioning you recently and he just had the most sour expression on his face. I told him he needs to relax, be more understanding, but that's how he is, just makes up his mind and can't be swayed afterward. I've told him repeatedly that you all are brothers and should try to close that gap, but..."


Later, speaking to my brother, finding he's encountered similar instances and was convinced I had a problem with him, while the old man tells of how he himself is so eager for us to bridge this gap, if only we could see past our own shortcomings, alas...



I find that if you want to have a REAL relationship with someone then you've got to be willing to approach them through thick and thin -- and be your OWN judge of their words TO YOU and their actions TOWARD YOU. After that you KNOW where you stand, don't have to rely on someone else to do this.


Imagine what could have been enjoyed had you simply approached your mother honestly about those clothes. Had you simply asked her "Did you like any of those?"

It's done now, and I'm sorry for your loss -- not merely the passing of your mother (since we're ALL going to die one day) but for the TIME you lost because of this.

My father did the same with my step-mother and me, telling me "on the side" about how she felt with regard to me. It was only near the end of her life I began to learn the FACTS about all those lost years, how I'd very much lost out on time with a loving, caring mother-figure who actually spent a great deal of her time standing up to my father on my behalf, quietly and behind the scenes.

I feel for you.

Don't let the lesson go to waste. It's the only way you'll ever "fix" things between you and your mother now she's gone: By saving that lesson as a legacy.