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Exactly! What happened in the past is in the past. He can fix his life and go to university just as we did. He is his own worst enemy and would rather wallow in it and be angry. I didn't do anything to him to warrant being cut off and ignored. Fine, he has issues with our mother, but none of us chose our parents.
Maybe you should tell him how you feel except leave the parts out about what he should do with his life.
I'm looking for some completely neutral advice as to how to make amends with my older half brother.
A bit of background, he is the eldest of 3 of us, but he was my mum's first son from her previous marriage. He always had problems while we were growing up. He left school at 16 without doing A Levels or going to university (he was never pushed). Both myself and my younger brother did go to university.
As adults, he has never let go of the resentment towards our mother and his stepfather (my father) as he believes he was let down, while we were given the opportunities. Both myself and my younger brother are successful, married and comfortable, while our older brother lives alone and works in dead end jobs. Although I can see why he might habour resentment, none of his frustrations in life are my fault.
I have emailed him several times to update him on my life or to talk about football or politics, but he seldom responds. He has completely cut us all out of his life, telling our mother that he wished to cease contact with her.
I believe that much of the resentment is due to my father who once told my older brother that he basically didn't want him.
What can I do to get him to talk to me again? None of this is my fault and we're all adults now, so the past should't matter, should it? I am also concerned because he has gone through bouts of depression in the past, but has turned us all away.
Advice would be appreciated.
He probably can't trust people. So you need time and being constantly good to him, keep talking. And with time, he may warm up to you. It's like taming a wild animal. (Unless he genuine doesn't like you, then it would be a different story)
but otherwise, keep writing, and maybe he is appreciating your emails, but is not willing to admit to you and doesn't really know what to write in response
Exactly! What happened in the past is in the past. He can fix his life and go to university just as we did. He is his own worst enemy and would rather wallow in it and be angry. I didn't do anything to him to warrant being cut off and ignored. Fine, he has issues with our mother, but none of us chose our parents.
When people go through a bad experience with someone, they tend to keep others at a distance as well. Even though the "others" didn't do anything wrong
once you put your hand near the fire and get burned, you tend to stay away from the fire altogether
once people hurt you, you tend to stay away from them
time and patience is the best hope
he is like a wounded animal, you have to be very careful and gentle
Your mum's relationship with his dad, didn't work out. Then, for whatever reason, your father disowned him. Finally, he has to sit back and watch as his siblings succeed in life. So, what do we have here... resentment, resentment, and more resentment. And no, it's not your fault at all. But, it's not his either, so he feels. First of all, try to avoid talking to him about your successes in life, because it may make him feel bad, i.e he may think you're bragging. I know, that sounds crazy. But when someone has had a lot of trouble in their life, and you've had lots of success, it's not crazy to think that they would rather not hear about your wonderful life. Especially if your mum praises you, and often looks down on him. I believe everyone wants to share their good experiences in life, but they don't want to hear a lot about someone elses (especially when they don't have much of their own excitement to share). In other words, if my life was miserable, I may not always want to hear about someone who's successful, married and comfortable... it's just not likely. I'm sure you love your brother, and you've done absolutely nothing wrong. But, if you want to build a better relationship with him, you have to understand HIS situation. So, with that said, try to do activities with him that HE likes to do, instead of things you like to do. And, only talk about your success if HE wants to hear about it. Lastly, find out what HIS wants, interests, and needs are, and share those with him, i.e. if he likes sports, then talk about it. And, if he likes cars, then take him to an auto show. But, don't talk about your interests unless HE wants to. I really believe that once he sees that HIS interests are also your interests, he'll begin to change. Good luck.
Your mum's relationship with his dad, didn't work out. Then, for whatever reason, your father disowned him. Finally, he has to sit back and watch as his siblings succeed in life. So, what do we have here... resentment, resentment, and more resentment. And no, it's not your fault at all. But, it's not his either, so he feels. First of all, try to avoid talking to him about your successes in life, because it may make him feel bad, i.e he may think you're bragging. I know, that sounds crazy. But when someone has had a lot of trouble in their life, and you've had lots of success, it's not crazy to think that they would rather not hear about your wonderful life. Especially if your mum praises you, and often looks down on him. I believe everyone wants to share their good experiences in life, but they don't want to hear a lot about someone elses (especially when they don't have much of their own excitement to share). In other words, if my life was miserable, I may not always want to hear about someone who's successful, married and comfortable... it's just not likely. I'm sure you love your brother, and you've done absolutely nothing wrong. But, if you want to build a better relationship with him, you have to understand HIS situation. So, with that said, try to do activities with him that HE likes to do, instead of things you like to do. And, only talk about your success if HE wants to hear about it. Lastly, find out what HIS wants, interests, and needs are, and share those with him, i.e. if he likes sports, then talk about it. And, if he likes cars, then take him to an auto show. But, don't talk about your interests unless HE wants to. I really believe that once he sees that HIS interests are also your interests, he'll begin to change. Good luck.
Exactly the rub.... He keeps him up-dated on his own life and successes.
I have an older half sister who thinks all the younger ones were treated better than her. It's different for her b/c my father actually adopted her...however, she still harbors a lot of resentment. In her case, I'm sorry to say, uh, she hates me and no amount of me trying will change that.
SO...what can you do? I agree with Just1Fan...maybe ease into it by holding back a bit. Let it be on his terms and when he starts to trust, maybe it'll balance out a little more. I really wish you all the luck in the world. And for what it's worth, when you're depressed, you don't want to be around happy people who don't understand depression. It almost physically hurts...so be gentle...
If he's not bat-shyte crazy, he may just come around...especially if he sees he could be that awesome uncle to your kids (future kids)...maybe that's a role he could like and feel comfortable with. Good luck...I wish you all the best.
Maybe you should tell him how you feel except leave the parts out about what he should do with his life.
I totally understand what you're saying. But, I'd be willing to bet you, his brother doesn't give a damn about what he feels. His brother, like all of us, is mainly interested in what HE feels. So, if the OP wants to improve on the relationship with his brother, the best approach would be to find out what his brothers wants, needs and interests are, and then share those with him. If not, there will be no reason for the two of them to interact... from his brothers point of view, that is.
I have an older half sister who thinks all the younger ones were treated better than her. It's different for her b/c my father actually adopted her...however, she still harbors a lot of resentment. In her case, I'm sorry to say, uh, she hates me and no amount of me trying will change that.
SO...what can you do? I agree with Just1Fan...maybe ease into it by holding back a bit. Let it be on his terms and when he starts to trust, maybe it'll balance out a little more. I really wish you all the luck in the world. And for what it's worth, when you're depressed, you don't want to be around happy people who don't understand depression. It almost physically hurts...so be gentle...
If he's not bat-shyte crazy, he may just come around...especially if he sees he could be that awesome uncle to your kids (future kids)...maybe that's a role he could like and feel comfortable with. Good luck...I wish you all the best.
Thanks
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