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The point of my post is one way friendships - where you put in all the effort and energy and get little in return. I've had 4 friends in the past few years who never initiated contact, never arranged anything with me; but if I got in touch with them they would quite happily make conversation and do stuff.
Friend 1 never initated contact nor asked me to do anything with them but would quite happily make conversation & do stuff if I arranged it. I think she was also a bit crazy so I stopped texting her 2 years ago and never heard from her since. Friend 2 was ok, they did ask me to do stuff but she was an attention seeker, used me as an emotional tampon & always required validation - it became clear to me thats all i was to her so I phased her out also. Friend 3 was for a couple of years my best friend, same interests, same vibe, studdied together & in same line of work. Dunno if it was down to his girl friend but overtime he just became too busy to ever talk to me or hang out with me - he also stopped replying to my texts with no warning so I gave up on him. Ironically we now work together and get on fine but its not the same. Friend 4 I've known 12 years through Uni, but she never texts or arranges anything - i can phone/text her multiple times with no response....sometimes she'll get back to me like 2-3 weeks later. On average I see her about 2 times per year and these meet ups usually take months to arrange..so I've decided to stop bothering with her.
The whole point to this post is related to another friend. Known her 9 years but only really started spending time more closely this year. I can iniate convo with her and she'll reply to every message I send and convo;s can last for weeks, I can arrange to do something and if she's free she always says yes. We get on amazing and have such a great time together - we really do. But same rule applies as the others above.....she never iniates. I get the feeling if I stop texting or asking her to do something I'll probably never hear from or see her again.
Its really frustrating, I don't get it? She's not using me or getting anything from me other than my company. Friendships should be 2 way. I'm at the point where I'm thinking about dropping her also....but we do get on amazing & I really enjoy her company but it seems to me I'll always have to iniate. I'd be sad not to see her again.
The behavior of all four people is common IME.
People get wrapped up in their own life. They get used to their problems consuming them, and some people seldom reach out to others, as they are used to people reaching out to them.
Over the years, I have had many many friends. After awhile if I feel the friendship is one sided, then I stop contacting them. If they fail to comtact me, then I know.
If they contact me, I know.
But some people are self absorbed, or just flat out get busy. Friendships change, people change....
It wasn't too long into adulthood and adult friendships that I learned quickly that I don't make time for people who don't make time for me. Maintaining friendships is easy for kids and teens, who don't have the same laundry list of obligations, responsibilities, and life issues to juggle. To nurture friendships as an adult, you have to be willing to put in effort. People who aren't willing to do that don't make the cut.
Guess I agree with both of those. But it doesn't make sense that whenever I iniate with this current friend she always answers, if I arrange stuff she always comes along. I mean we've went out for dinner and drinks and she's arrived dolled up to the nines to the point where in my head I'm like "WOW!" so she's definitly taken the time to put in the effort to get ready. There's even times she's paid for the whole meal & told me to put my wallet away.
I actually fancy this girl, i asked her out on a date abut 2 months ago & she told me "She was too busy for dating, barely has time to see her own friends and reckons she'll be single for a long time". I've given up on anything ever happening but i'd like to try to be friends. I took the "Im too busy" rejection when I asked her out as her nice way of saying "I'm not into you that way". She's single, has a small social circle of friends....has her 9-5 job....no real exertive hobbies that take up loads of time. I actually think there's some truth behind her saying she's too busy for a partner or friends.....but whats she so busy with?
Guess I agree with both of those. But it doesn't make sense that whenever I iniate with this current friend she always answers, if I arrange stuff she always comes along. I mean we've went out for dinner and drinks and she's arrived dolled up to the nines to the point where in my head I'm like "WOW!" so she's definitly taken the time to put in the effort to get ready. There's even times she's paid for the whole meal & told me to put my wallet away.
I actually fancy this girl, i asked her out on a date abut 2 months ago & she told me "She was too busy for dating, barely has time to see her own friends and reckons she'll be single for a long time". I've given up on anything ever happening but i'd like to try to be friends. I took the "Im too busy" rejection when I asked her out as her nice way of saying "I'm not into you that way". She's single, has a small social circle of friends....has her 9-5 job....no real exertive hobbies that take up loads of time. I actually think there's some truth behind her saying she's too busy for a partner or friends.....but whats she so busy with?
I know this situation well. You're her fill-in guy; you're the guy she does things with when she goes through dry spells with other people. Your orbiting around her boosts her ego enough that she never feels desperate, and you never push too hard for things to be deeper or more intimate between the two of you, so she doesn't feel obligated over anything. And she knows that you will call her eventually. She just has to wait. You're not going anywhere.
When she tells you how "busy" she is, she's lying to you. She's not "busy". That not to say that she's sitting home alone all the time. It means she's having fun with other people at the moment, and doesn't want you around. Your job is to wait until she needs you to entertain her. Until then, your place is on her mental shelf.
She's got all the upside of having a boyfriend without any of the downside.
It's happened to me a lot in the past. I would try pretty damn hard to stay in touch with people, keep them entertained however I could, and just be there for them if they had any issues.
Then I noticed how I was the only one putting all the effort into keeping the "friendship" alive. I stopped contacting them, and they just disappear. It's less crap on my shoulders now. I've learned a lot from those experiences, and who my true friends are.
I know this situation well. You're her fill-in guy; you're the guy she does things with when she goes through dry spells with other people. Your orbiting around her boosts her ego enough that she never feels desperate, and you never push too hard for things to be deeper or more intimate between the two of you, so she doesn't feel obligated over anything. And she knows that you will call her eventually. She just has to wait. You're not going anywhere.
When she tells you how "busy" she is, she's lying to you. She's not "busy". That not to say that she's sitting home alone all the time. It means she's having fun with other people at the moment, and doesn't want you around. Your job is to wait until she needs you to entertain her. Until then, your place is on her mental shelf.
She's got all the upside of having a boyfriend without any of the downside.
I get why you would say this, but thats not the case. She only has a social circle of about 4-5 frends and if what she tells me is true she doesn't see them that often. There's no way every time I've asked her to do something (and she's said yes) its a co-incidence she's bored.
This is an issue I have struggled with and I get frustrated by it to no end. I agree Pete about just giving up and stopping. In my opinion true friendship is a two way street. They say you are lucky if you can count the true friends on one hand. Growing up I have realized my family are my true friends.
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