Relative keeps asking why we don't come by more often (siblings, member)

[chit chatter]

For years we have gone over to my mother's sister house for holidays and visited with her and my cousins who live locally. Now that Mom is dead and buried for some reason her sister still wants to stay in touch because we are family. My cousins don't like my sister and me and like to send us non verbal messages that their mother (my Aunt) basically forced them to come to the event and they don't like us and don't want to spend any more time than they have to.

My Aunt is in her 60s and my two cousins are in their late 30s. My Aunt is the world's worst conversationist and there is tons of long silences with her and rolling eyes with my cousins.

The conversation and mood at the events at my Aunt's house is incredibly strained and difficult, but nothing is ever said verbally. All negativism is passive aggressive and unspoken.

It is so boring and tense at my Aunt's house that we have been coming up with excuses not to go and she keeps calling and asking why we don't come by much anymore.

What is wrong with honesty? Just tell everyone that this is not working out and no one really has anything in common anymore and lets end this before things gets more strained. Telling them we are busy all the time, when we aren't, is just wrong, or is it?

[HazyOwls]

Originally Posted by chit chatter

For years we have gone over to my mother's sister house for holidays and visited with her and my cousins who live locally. Now that Mom is dead and buried for some reason her sister still wants to stay in touch because we are family. My cousins don't like my sister and me and like to send us non verbal messages that their mother (my Aunt) basically forced them to come to the event and they don't like us and don't want to spend any more time than they have to.

My Aunt is in her 60s and my two cousins are in their late 30s. My Aunt is the world's worst conversationist and there is tons of long silences with her and rolling eyes with my cousins.

The conversation and mood at the events at my Aunt's house is incredibly strained and difficult, but nothing is ever said verbally. All negativism is passive aggressive and unspoken.

It is so boring and tense at my Aunt's house that we have been coming up with excuses not to go and she keeps calling and asking why we don't come by much anymore.

What is wrong with honesty? Just tell everyone that this is not working out and no one really has anything in common anymore and lets end this before things gets more strained. Telling them we are busy all the time, when we aren't, is just wrong, or is it?

Maybe your cousin's don't like you because you just roll your eyes at their mom all the time. That is kind of a sign of disrespect.

It obviously means a lot to your aunt to keep a connection with family. Make short visits here and there. That way you are taking time to make a family member happy, you won't get stuck in silence, and you won't have to visit with your cousins. Sometimes those visits will mean more than the expected holiday visits.

[chit chatter]

I don't roll my eyes at my Aunt and both my sister and I try our hardest to keep the conversation going, but these events are incredibly difficult with lots of long silences when the conversation dies. Why can't we call them to task for not trying as hard to keep the conversation going? By continuing to go to these events and putting up with the silence when we ask questions- or make comments- they are treating us for fools because they know we are more likely to put up with it and remain passive aggressive.

Originally Posted by HazyOwls

Maybe your cousin's don't like you because you just roll your eyes at their mom all the time. That is kind of a sign of disrespect.

It obviously means a lot to your aunt to keep a connection with family. Make short visits here and there. That way you are taking time to make a family member happy, you won't get stuck in silence, and you won't have to visit with your cousins. Sometimes those visits will mean more than the expected holiday visits.

[purehuman]

chit chatter...ahhh the things we have to do for the ones we love...she sounds like she just wants you near...that in itself is probably all she needs to be happy.....maybe you and sis could play cards, or checkers or whatever with your aunt....tell the cousins not to force themselves.

[brokensky]

If you don't want to go, just don't go!

Your Aunt either genuinely likes your company or she feels it is her responsibility to try to "hold the family together" since your mother is gone.

If you don't want to go, make other plans for holidays. There is no need to say "we don't enjoy being at your home."

Most folks would be very touched that someone gave a damn about them at holidays, lol.

[toosie]

Originally Posted by HazyOwls

It obviously means a lot to your aunt to keep a connection with family. Make short visits here and there. That way you are taking time to make a family member happy, you won't get stuck in silence, and you won't have to visit with your cousins. Sometimes those visits will mean more than the expected holiday visits.

Exactly what I was going to suggest. It's perfectly fine to let her know, well in advance, that you have other plans for the holiday. Like HazyOwls suggested, though, it'd probably mean a lot to your aunt to know that you'd like to see her some other time. Since she's local it shouldn't be too difficult. You could even take her out and treat her to a meal. Hell, maybe that's part of the issue with your cousins - maybe they think you've been free-loading and not reciprocating all these years.

Originally Posted by chit chatter

Why can't we call them to task for not trying as hard to keep the conversation going? By continuing to go to these events and putting up with the silence when we ask questions- or make comments- they are treating us for fools because they know we are more likely to put up with it and remain passive aggressive.

Is this one of the important relationships you're talking about in your thread where you asked about talking it out vs being passive aggressive? From what you've said here, I'm not necessarily getting the impression that they're being passive-aggressive. Maybe they're just bad at conversation or unhappy to be there period - not because they don't like you. In any case, based on what you've shared thus far, I wouldn't "call them to task" about their conversational skills. That approach sounds overly aggressive for the situation, especially with how you're expressing it here, and is likely to come across as rude and confrontational. In other words, it'll just put them on the defensive and not resolve anything. Big holiday family gatherings are notoriously fraught with tensions and dreaded by more than half the attendees. I think Hazy's suggestion is a good work-around that gets you family time without the whole family or the holiday tensions.

[kevxu]

Originally Posted by chit chatter

....What is wrong with honesty? Just tell everyone that this is not working out and no one really has anything in common anymore and lets end this before things gets more strained. Telling them we are busy all the time, when we aren't, is just wrong, or is it?

I don't see anything wrong with "honesty" that consists of telling your aunt that you do not enjoy coming over. Don't get into a long self-justifying rap about blaming your cousins. Just kiss her off and move on - that is what you want to do.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by chit chatter

For years we have gone over to my mother's sister house for holidays and visited with her and my cousins who live locally. Now that Mom is dead and buried for some reason hersister still wants to stay in touch because we are family. My cousins don't like my sister and me and like to send us non verbal messages that their mother (my Aunt) basically forced them to come to the event and they don't like us and don't want to spend any more time than they have to.

My Aunt is in her 60s and my two cousins are in their late 30s. My Aunt is the world's worst conversationist and there is tons of long silences with her and rolling eyes with my cousins.

The conversation and mood at the events at my Aunt's house is incredibly strained and difficult, but nothing is ever said verbally. All negativism is passive aggressive and unspoken.

It is so boring and tense at my Aunt's house that we have been coming up with excuses not to go and she keeps calling and asking why we don't come by much anymore.

What is wrong with honesty? Just tell everyone that this is not working out and no one really has anything in common anymore and lets end this before things gets more strained. Telling them we are busy all the time, when we aren't, is just wrong, or is it?

Now that Mom is dead and buried for some reason her sister still wants to stay in touch because we are family.

What do you mean "for some reason?" It is probably for the very best reason at all, your aunt loves you and wants to spend time with you. My mother passed away over 20 years ago and my siblings and their families and my family and I still make the long drive to see our aunt several times a year. Why? Because she is our aunt and is the last sibling alive of our late mother. Heck, our aunt can be annoying at times (heck, our aunt can be VERY annoying at times) but when she tells a story about when she and our mother were children it makes it all worthwhile.

Perhaps you have to try to do different things than "just sit around the house making conversation". Take her out to dinner, play cards or a table game, go to a play, concert or sporting event together or something else. Ask her to show you how to make Grandma's famous chocolate cake or some recipe from her (and your mom's) childhood. Help out with her favorite charity, look at old photo albums together, knit stocking caps for the homeless, help her weed her flower garder, there are dozens and dozens of possibilities.

Maybe it is your cousins that are the bigger problem. Perhaps you can just go out with your aunt. It doesn't have to be some big production. I once asked my aunt to help me shop for fabric to make an ethnic costume. I could have easily done it by myself (after all I was 50 plus years old at the time) but that hour or two in a fabric store with my aunt was very nice (comparing the different fabrics and decorations, talking about other outfits we had made, sharing funny sewing goofs, etc). My aunt still mentions how much fun we had and it was almost 10 years ago.

Put yourself in your aunt's shoes. imagine yourself at 60 years old and your beloved nieces and nephews don't want to visit and keep making excuse after excuse. How would that make you feel?

You don't have to become BFFs but a short visit every few months or even once or twice a year should not be a major hardship to you, esp. if you live fairly close to eat other.

[JanND]

Just visit your Aunt, or have her over to your house. She is just trying to be your Aunt. And, seriously, sometimes silence is ok....it doesn't have to be filled w/ conversation. Be silent yourself, let them make the efforts. If it is that uncomfortable, she may just stop asking you to come over. How were the get togethers when your Mom was alive?? I think cutting comeone off just because you have little in common w/ your cousins is sad, it is your Aunt that you should be concerned w/ don't punish her for the actions of others.

[brokencrayola]

I agree, either just have your aunt come to your place or go to her place and let her know you just want to see her and not the cousins. Find some things to do that do not require a lot of conversation. Maybe go out shopping, looking at thrift stores, playing cards or games etc. I can understand why your aunt wants to continue to have contact with you.