Parents who peppers inflamatory remarks into conversation (wife, father, person)

[LePew]

I remember when I was a kid one of my aunts said, "your father is like dr jeckle and my hyde. he'll say we should love other people, then he'll say we should kill them" I don't know the context of that convo between my aunt and father, but yeah, he'll say some pretty disturbing things, and he just doesn't get how "off" they are.

Probably about 90% of the time, throughout most of his life he acts like a nice guy. But then peppered in there he says some disturbing, insulting or rude things.

To give you an idea of the disturbing, insulting or rude things, here are some examples:
- Years ago, he would make fun of fat people, not to their face, but on a regular basis behind their backs.
- When discussing politics, he would say stuff like "We should just nuke them"
- When my mom was sick with cancer, he'd tell me "he wish she would die" when he was upset with her for something.
- After she died, he was terribly depressed about it and told a lady he liked that he wished she were dead instead of his wife.
-He's told me that he shouldn't have had kids, because he would have more money if he didn't.

These types of comments are just lightly peppered in to conversations and are contrasted by him acting more or less nice. And he hasn't really done anything horrible as far as actions. But what's extremely irritating is that he doesn't seem to get that he is not a nice person if he says things that are so wrong. Even if you say something when he says something that is so inflammatory, you can see that it doesn't register how unacceptable the comment is. It's like he might know that it is a little wrong or he should have said it, but he doesn't seem to realize just how outside of the norm his level or rudeness is or how disturbing his comments are. This is a life long thing with him.

I don't expect him to change. I think on some level he knows from peoples reactions that the comments are inflammatory, as he will try to gloss over them with niceness. But you can't unring a bell.

Now that I am older, I can detach my self from this (although it does get to me sometimes). I've learned for the most part to not involve myself when this side of his personality comes out. He doesn't understand why no one is that close to him and he seems to blame other and not himself. Now I'm wondering if he has some kind of personality disorder?

[LePew]

And todays example...

I've been mowing my fathers front lawn, because he gets worn out easily and doesn't want to pay someone to do it. But I can't start the mover myself (pull cord starter), so I ask him to start it for me then I mow his yard.

I asked him to start it for me today. He says nothing, but signals he'll do it by getting up. At the mower, he said' "I'm going to get a condo, so I don't have to deal with this. How am I going to get this house ready to sell?" The tone was like he was put off by the hassle it is to start the mower. I said nothing and just mowed the lawn.

I've never known such a miserable person. He's been trying to get a gf online for 6 months now with no luck. He has met a dozen ladies, who all are not interested after meeting him. He wonders why he can't find "the right one", which in turn, I think makes him even more miserable.

[germaine2626]

Some people may not have an actual disorder but just have a poor language "filter" and talk without thinking. Perhaps that is what is wrong with your dad.

[ShellNic]

He's depressed probably...I don't think the mower comment is too earth shattering. He's probably thinking that it's a pain for him to mow, he has to count on someone else (may not be easy for him) and it would be easier if he had no yard at all. No biggie, really.

When people get angry about a situation they can't control, they often say things they don't really mean but say them because it helps with the anger. This can hold true for someone they love dying of cancer, or some other MAJOR situation out of their control. He just hasn't expressed himself in a way that some people don't understand or like...but if 90% of the time, the guy is pretty good guy...I'd say, let him be. Help him get out of his funk by being the always positive person that you are.

[fallingwater]

Sounds like he has no verbal filter. He sounds like my father n law. Also when my father n law is uncomfortable with a situation he is usually his most obnoxious. A few months ago we had to attend his mother's funeral. He started barking orders at everyone making a complete speckle of himself. The priest actually took him aside and told him to chill out. Being around him can be difficult to be honest but it just who he is.