Do my relatives owe me chit chat conversation at Christmas? (wife, spouse)
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When my relatives in my extended family arrive at our house on Christmas, loaded with gifts for all of them, some of them don't give me the time of day. The best I am able to get out of the them is a grunt or at best a simple hello.
When I was growing up and my parents taught me manners they said that if someone comes to my home I owe it to them to be a good host and be friendly and conversational. On their part because they are sharing my home with them and welcome them with open arms they owe me pleasant greetings and conversation. Exactly how much conversation is the question but warmth and friendliness is expected by everyone. At least among the adults.
It doesn't matter if you think they "owe" you. They obviously don't think so.
You've written on other forums how dysfunctional they are. The best gift you could give yourself is to LET IT GO and accept that they are not going to change, especially for you. Some people are *ssholes.
Manners, believe it or not, are quite subjective. Even though we say there is such a thing as "basic" courtesy, we all have our different standards, and we get in trouble when we try to project our etiquette standards on others.
Remember this: "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Carrie Fisher
Well, based on all your posts which basically are filled with snobbery and snide remarks about everyone from the mailman to your mother-in-law, I'm not sure I would give you the time of day either. I wouldn't care to be message board fodder.
I read your threads often. Usually it is about your Wife's relatives. Is this about your relatives?? or hers and yours both??
I think that if you have people treating you so badly, you don't invite them to your home, you exclude them from every aspect of your life.. Period. And not just during the holidays.
Last edited by JanND; 12-10-2012 at 07:50 AM..
Reason: revised
So . . .you say when you were growing up you were taught manners . . . and you say these folks are your relatives . . . did they not either grow up with one of your parents or you? Or both?
I guess I don't get the question. You say they come loaded with presents but yet don't "give you the time of day." Is that because they are engaging with the children, for whom they brought the gifts? Or b/c they are simply using your house as a gathering place and wish to see everyone else except you? lol I mean - really - what is it you expect - you invite people to your home and they bring gifts . . . for someone . . . so it seems they are trying to be festive and in the right spirit.
Wouldn't you be the host if they are in your home? So why wouldn't they be talking with you? Are you busy with other tasks? Do folks not really want to be there? Is this an ongoing tradition - coming to your home as opposed to someone else's in the family?
Nothing about social customs has changed - and many are very individual to the family members themselves, based on their culture, ages, and past relationships with one another.
Why do YOU think they don't "give you the time of day?"
Are the Holidays the only time that you bother to see these people? Do you call them up regularly just to see how things are?
Maybe they are just being polite in accepting your invitation. They probably wish that you wouldn't ask them again. It's awkward to turn down an invitation to a family gathering. Not many people do even if they want to.
When my relatives in my extended family arrive at our house on Christmas, loaded with gifts for all of them, some of them don't give me the time of day. The best I am able to get out of the them is a grunt or at best a simple hello.
When I was growing up and my parents taught me manners they said that if someone comes to my home I owe it to them to be a good host and be friendly and conversational. On their part because they are sharing my home with them and welcome them with open arms they owe me pleasant greetings and conversation. Exactly how much conversation is the question but warmth and friendliness is expected by everyone. At least among the adults.
Do these rules still exist?
Hey, it's your house and you invited them...sounds like you know what they are like...personally people like that wouldn't be invited to my home, cause I figure if they don't like me then they won't like my home.
I always shake my head at stories like this. I know people who constantly set themselves up for similar let downs and wonder why the heck they continue to do it?
When I was a kid we would always go to my Aunts house for Christmas, and as we all grew up and started getting married our spouses started to come. It got really crowded and people didn't have much in common and it started to not be fun. Know what I did? I stopped going and started cooking my own Christmas dinner and invited who I wanted. Some of us seem to forget that we don't have to do the same thing all the time. Perhaps your relatives don't really like coming to your house and just come out of some sense of obligation or tradition. You should make it easy on everyone and stop doing what you're doing.
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