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I agree with chilaili that you should apologize for your comment if you haven't done so and then leave it at that. Your former friend wants nothing to do with you so quit forcing a friendship that no longer exist there. She made her choice and she likely will deal with the consequences on her own time. You should spend your time enjoying your life but don't completely shut her out. The way I see it, your friends ways is going to catch up to her and she's going to need someone to talk to. You should be available for her but don't force it. She has to decide on her own what she wants to do. For now, just leave it alone.
I agree with chilaili that you should apologize for your comment if you haven't done so and then leave it at that. Your former friend wants nothing to do with you so quit forcing a friendship that no longer exist there. She made her choice and she likely will deal with the consequences on her own time. You should spend your time enjoying your life but don't completely shut her out. The way I see it, your friends ways is going to catch up to her and she's going to need someone to talk to. You should be available for her but don't force it. She has to decide on her own what she wants to do. For now, just leave it alone.
(Consider sending her a birthday and Christmas card once a year to let her know you are still thinking about her and give her a broad recap - had a baby, got a new job - of what has been going on with you without expecting anything in return.)
Personally, I think that's really overbearing, if someone has cut ties and made it fairly clear she doesn't want any contact, yearly or twice yearly cards would probably push some buttons.
Honestly, I'd get really annoyed if I continued to get contacted by someone I cut off. Maybe I'm not a very mature person myself in thinking that way but I could see, in this situation, the friend tossing the cards and getting pissed off that they're not getting the hint.
Personally, I think that's really overbearing, if someone has cut ties and made it fairly clear she doesn't want any contact, yearly or twice yearly cards would probably push some buttons.
Honestly, I'd get really annoyed if I continued to get contacted by someone I cut off. Maybe I'm not a very mature person myself in thinking that way but I could see, in this situation, the friend tossing the cards and getting pissed off that they're not getting the hint.
Yeah? Well so what?. I'm disgusted with people who go around in life, refusing to take responsibility for their own conduct, and use others around them as psychological dumping grounds. You wanna know what the problem is? Too many people these days are becoming ridiculously, annoyingly narcissistic. Her friend sounds like one of these people.
Location: NYC based - Used to Live in Philly - Transplant from Miami
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha333
Hello Everyone,
I'm new here but I'm really in need of some advice. My issue is concerning my former best friend of 20 years. We grew up together from the age of 13. For a friendship that spanned 20 years we had ups and downs and always got through. Our friendship wasn't perfect but we could always depend on one another and I can't think of anyone else I have such wonderful memories with.
Our friendship really changed after her mother passed away from Cancer in 2011. She became very distant and not very interested in getting together. One evening I was going out with a friend from work and she was going out with a friend as well, so we decided to meet up for drinks. She then blew me off completely and I ended up seeing her later in the evening at another bar. She was all over some guy even though she is married. I went up to her and told her that I felt her not showing up was pretty rude and I wanted to know what her problem was. She then freaked out and told me she didn't need to answer to me. It was clear she was pretty drunk. Her friend then stepped in and told me to walk away. I told her friend it wasn't her business and then my former friend started yelling at me. So I said "your drunk and if you don't remember you have a husband at home, but your all over random men" She then slapped me across the face. I was so angry I blurted out " I guess losing your mom turned you into an ahole" ..It was only a few seconds later she was escorted out of the bar by security.
My friend was married in 2008 to her long term boyfriend. I wasn't really on board with the marriage because she always had a "thing" for a past love and she admitted to me that her past love was her real soul mate. During her marriage she had "seen" other men including this past love. She wasn't faithful to her husband. I don't know for a fact if she had sex with other men but I know at the very least there was fooling around and flirting. Especially when we would go out to nightclubs or bars. I didn't approve of this behavior but she was my best friend. I told her many times I thought she should get a divorce but it fell on deaf ears. Her husband was never very nice to me and I think it was because I was the "single" friend and when we went out it made him insecure. Even after I met my current boyfriend he was still pretty icy to me.
My best friend made friends with a younger woman at the hospital she works at, where she is a nurse. This friend was the girl she was with the night of our fight. This friend of hers is very trashy and encourages her to cheat. I didn't like this girl from the beginning.
The last time I saw her about a year and a half ago. For the first few months I felt inclined to stop by her home and try to talk to her, but didn't have the nerve to do it. I also live about an hour away so it made the temptation easier to ignore. About 5 months after this happened I did a search for her after I signed up for Facebook, she was on there and I sent her a message. She told me she didn't want to talk to me and that she could never forgive me for saying what I said the night she hit me. She really didn't even acknowledge that she hit me. She has always been the type to play the victim and not really admit wrong doing. Its one of the qualities about her I had the hardest time dealing with.
Anyway I tried talking to her on Facebook and she was nasty to me. Then one day I tried to call her but she blocked my number. So I gave up. Then back in August of 2012 (a year after our fight) I saw some pictures on facebook on this nightclub website of her and her skanky friend all over some guys. Turns out one of the guys was her past love. She was never shy about dancing, or kissing other guys even at bars or nightclubs where someone that knows her husband might see her. But as a courtesy I sent her a link to the photos on facebook.
She didnt respond back but instead 3 weeks later she emails me saying she knows I'm the one that sent the photos to her husbands email. Mind you I don't know her husbands email address! I told her I didn't do any such thing. She responded back telling me I was a liar. She also went on to say I'm just a spoiled brat that didn't get my way and I was trying to get revenge on her. She made comments about my relationship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is very successful and he makes good money. We go on trips and have a nice home and I think this really pissed her off.
After writing all of this I know most of you will say "why would you want to get back in touch with this person?" But the truth is, she is so much more then all this negative stuff and I feel like alot of this is trauma over losing her mother. I don't think she ever really dealt with it in a healthy way. She has so many wonderful qualities that I really miss. For a long time I would cry at night over the loss of our friendship and I thought about trying to go see her sometime this week. I dont know if she will talk to me or not and I worry more about her husband being home if I knock on the door.
Am I crazy to bother?
I really feel you. Especially since you have had a friendship with her from back in the days.
Whoever, at this point of time, there is nothing else you can do.
I'd say, give her time. You don't know what will happen in the future. She might or she might not realize her mistake. But meanwhile, don't destroy your own life.
I know it's probably difficult for you to cut ties with her as it is painful for you. However, it's better for you to feel the strong pain now by moving on then having to dwell with the pain everyday.
So forget about her.
The friendship ended when you said those things about her deceased Mom, and her marriage. You "went there" It wasn't nice that she stood you up....But, confronting her when she was drinking, and saying those ugy things were not what a friend would do. I would leave her alone. It might hurt, but if it has been a year and 1/2 and she has not instigated any communication, except to accuse you in response to your email...She has moved on. Time for you to do so also.
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