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I live with my girlfriend and her sister has been staying with us due to marital problems. She completely moved out of their apartment and is searching for a new job back in her hometown or looking to enter the military. The problem is that she leads us to believe that she'll be an independent woman and doesn't need him but her actions prove otherwise. She'll say "he's a jerk, *******, douchebag!! I don't care to talk to him!" Then last night he calls, she answered, and left to spent the night with him.
We're trying to help her out and encourage her to do things on her own. She's only 23 and has no social life, hobbies, or interests outside of her husband. All she does is rent movies every night and orders take out. We include her when we go out and do things so she'll start to get out and do things on her own. She says she wants to join me on my morning runs so she can get in shape for the military fitness test and I'm all for it. But our efforts to help her be independent feel betrayed when she she sneaks out to be with him and or refuses to do anything except sit on the couch watch 3 movies in a row and order pizza.
I'm thinking of talking to her and telling her to stop leading us to believe one thing and doing another. I know it's hard to completely cut yourself off from your spouse but I kind of feel like our generosity is being taken advantage of. Anything we can do to help her steer in the right direction?
I would suggest you talk to your girlfriend and have her do the talking to her sister. You are not related and, unless you are a qualified therapist, not really qualified to give marital advice. It will not be welcome and feelings will be hurt all the way around.
This sounds like a person who is living life on a day-to-day basis with no long term goals, like a kid who never grows up. Tell me why a 23-yr old has no social life, hobbies, or interests - outside of her husband ?
Do you really want to involve yourself in helping her? Well then make her set long-term goals (for example get her own apartment in x months) and have her attain smaller goals along the way. She is like a child so you will have to hold her accountable to achieve them. If she gives you too many excuses why nothing really pans out for her, that should be a clue to you that she is not ready to grow up and become independent as you like for her to be. Whatever life she does end up with will be highly dependent on someone else. You better be careful because she is about to become your girlfriend and yours biggest nightmare.
I agree that you should let your girlfriend talk directly to her sister.
You are both well-intended and it is great that you are offering her assistance. Do so without expecting anything in return and knowing that she will go forward with her own decisions.
If your girlfriend does have a heart-to-heart with her sister, she should be completely honest, but help her sister set some very short term goals. Baby steps (anything else will be overwhelming and she may stop all efforts to turn her life around. Short-term goals will help her feel successful). No one changes overnight. She may resist change. She may reject you both. She may come around in time. It's a long process. She doesn't see the contradictions in her life. It'll take time for her to see them and then it'll take her some more time to change (if she ever wants to).
Well, call me old fashioned but I think this little lass needs to head on back to her husband. She's still married and that marriage needs to be honored, at least on some level. I don't see why OP is so averse to encouraging his gf's sister to try to work it out with her husband.
I mean, yeah, you could steer her into our government's meat grinder and get her out of your hair. But I think a better lesson for her to learn at this point is that, when you've made a commitment to someone it needs to be honored. Nothing in her life will work out, including marriages, jobs, or friendships, if she doesn't learn to weather the difficult times and understand the meaning of commitment.
23 is very young to figure our your life in a short time. Is there more to the story? Is he abusive towards her? Honestly I would step out of it and let her figure it out herself. Let her know you are there for her if she needs anything you are there for her. Try and build up her confidence. It sounds as if she has low self esteem and doesn't think she deserves a better man.
This sounds like a person who is living life on a day-to-day basis with no long term goals, like a kid who never grows up. Tell me why a 23-yr old has no social life, hobbies, or interests - outside of her husband ?
Exactly! She's been with him since high school and her entire life is centered around her husband. She never experienced college life or the normal fun social life of a young 20 something. They got married last year, moved in together, but they both still act like kids.
I hope she does go into the military so she'll learn how to act like an adult and make decisions for herself. Also so she'll learn live outside of her comfort zone.
23 is very young to figure our your life in a short time. Is there more to the story? Is he abusive towards her? Honestly I would step out of it and let her figure it out herself. Let her know you are there for her if she needs anything you are there for her. Try and build up her confidence. It sounds as if she has low self esteem and doesn't think she deserves a better man.
He's not abusive at all but he's very selfish and stingy. He did nothing for her on their 1 year wedding anniversary. He doesn't do anything for her on Birthdays or Christmas. He always insists on splitting the dinner bill 50/50 with her. Whenever she wants to go somewhere she has to drive. He has alot of friends and interests but does not care to involve his wife in his life. His attitude is what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.
She's also part of the problem. She still acts like a child and needs to be told what to do. She has gained significant weight over their relationship and she has made no effort to lose it except buying DVD's, shoes, exercise equipment and never using it. She has no career aspirations/goals in life. She has no friends, interests, or hobbies except for him. All she does is watch 2-3 movies a day.
She needs a husband to be "the man" in the relationship and lead her but he doesn't care to because of his selfishness. But she needs to act like an adult and take responsibility for herself.
If I were you, I would stay as far removed from the situation as possible. You can't change her or him. The most likely consequence will be the sister will get mad at you, then you're girlfriend will get mad at you and you'll end up angry with both of them. (Then the sister will move back in with the husband and about the time you and your gf are settling down the whole cycle will start over again.)
Stay friendly and calm and keep your opinions to yourself.
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