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So I've had some pretty hurtful incidents with friends over the last year that has left me thinking that I am not that good of a friend to people; otherwise, this stuff probably wouldn't have happened to me. Basically, about a year ago, a girl I was friends with for five years stopped talking to me for no reason. She got close to another girl we were friends with, and those two got close super fast and started doing everything together, leaving me out completely. She ignored all my invites to go out and has barely talked to me since except to nod hello when I see her in person and to write happy birthday on my Facebook page. That was the first problem.
The second big thing came a couple weeks ago. I recently had my birthday and wanted to get some friends together to go out for dinner and drinks at a popular but not fancy restaurant. I didn't demand presents or anything like that; I just posted an invite that said hey guys it's my birthday I would like you all there to celebrate. Well, a couple people didn't RSVP at all, and other people all gave excuses as to why they couldn't be there, claiming they had booked things two months ago or had work, or they worked night shift and just wanted to sleep. I had ONE person who told me she would go out with me anyway, then she canceled, saying she had a kidney stone and was in too much pain to drive. I tried to be understanding, especially since a close friend I invited broke her foot in May. However, said close friend was able to go out to a movie two days later with the aid of other friends and went out on her own birthday. I know because she posted about getting a free dessert because the waitress felt sorry for her. She didn't show up for my party because she said the restaurant might be too crowded, but obviously had no problem going other places. She told me over text she was forgetting birthdays, and I tried to be understanding, especially since I sent her a birthday card and gift which she was excited about, but inside, I was hurt. However, since everyone else is feeling sorry for her and applauding her for every little thing she can do as she recovers, I felt it wasn't right to tell her that it hurt she couldn't even get me a card. I figured she'd just tell me I don't get that she's in pain and struggling to get around, and with everyone else pitying her, I told her I forgave her even though I was a little disappointed.
The last straw came last night. A friend of mine was off from her job yesterday and today and asked who wanted to hang out. She was going out with another friend yesterday, but told me she'd text me and make plans. She has yet to do that, and I'm disappointed that she broke her promise but is making all these plans with everyone else.
After all this, plus everyone always being "too busy" to hang out with me (my one friend basically said she has no free time until August), I'm starting to think I am the problem for whatever reason, but I don't know how to correct it. I consider myself to be a good person, and when I do things with friends, they say they had fun and we should do it again, but yet they are so hard to get together with and always have an excuse as to why they can't. I also listen to people's problems (including Busy till August friend, who is constantly whining about her husband but refuses to be divorced) and remember them on their birthdays and Christmas. People tell me I am a good friend, but seem to have no interest in spending time with me.
So what can I do? I really do want to have good friends, but it seems like I'm having a harder go of it. For so many people I know, they seem to have tons of friends and people that care for them. My friend who broke her foot is getting tons of offers to be driven places, gets a lot of support in her recovery and people are saying that if she needs anything they will help. I have a problem with my one eye that is still stressing me out, and no one seems to be supportive. I just think it's odd that I hear people say such good things about me, but I still feel so lonely...
I think maybe you are being "too giving" of yourself...(maybe you're trying too hard) Sometimes that can backfire...by "remembering people on their birthdays and christmas" do you mean you buy them gifts?..I hope you don't do that with expectations attached...Maybe try bowing out a little...no more gifts, no more invites...wait awhile.....it's amazing how many "friendships" don't last because one or the other has expectations that prove too much for the other. The best friends I have are the ones that I know can't give me anything but their company...most times I go to them (as much for me as for them). They appreciate that I come to them, and I got nooooo problems with that at all.
I am definitely a little too giving. I do buy gifts for close friends, but on my one friend's past birthday, all she wanted was a card, so that's what I gave her...although I made it kind of a photo greeting card with an athlete she liked so it was more personal. I don't think I give things with expectations, though. One of my other friends gave me something at Christmas, and I did not tell her hey I want this thing for Christmas or say hey let's exchange gifts...it just happened.
I am thinking of not inviting people anywhere for a while unless they have showed that they want to get together. My friend who was going to text me ended up hanging out with someone else yesterday and not even texting me. I may go down to just cards for friends at Christmas/birthdays as well. It's tough for sure and I feel lonely, but maybe it needs to happen.
I am definitely a little too giving. I do buy gifts for close friends, but on my one friend's past birthday, all she wanted was a card, so that's what I gave her...although I made it kind of a photo greeting card with an athlete she liked so it was more personal. I don't think I give things with expectations, though. One of my other friends gave me something at Christmas, and I did not tell her hey I want this thing for Christmas or say hey let's exchange gifts...it just happened.
I am thinking of not inviting people anywhere for a while unless they have showed that they want to get together. My friend who was going to text me ended up hanging out with someone else yesterday and not even texting me. I may go down to just cards for friends at Christmas/birthdays as well. It's tough for sure and I feel lonely, but maybe it needs to happen.
Go down to nothing for anyone except Christmas Cards for family, that is what we do except for the Christmas Cards for a few close friends.
We depend on oursevles to fulfill our lives and if everyone can get together great, if not great, not an issue. It sounds like you need to venture out more and find a new group of friends, you and your friends may have just outgrown each other. No one is at fault when that happens, it is just part of growing older and moving beyond each other.
Yep...I am working on venturing out, but I have kind of an untraditional work schedule, so finding activities that I am interested in at a good time can be difficult. I'm not someone who will do something just for the sake of meeting people...the interest has to be there for me, or I know I'll be bored anyway even if there's nothing wrong with the people I share the activity with.
I just wish I had a really close friend...like my friend always talks about the girl she can have long heart to hearts with and they are going to the beach together next week. No one ever asks me to take vacations with them or anything, and it's easy to feel envious.
You'll never know unless you ask but are you prepared? Maybe you seem too needy? I think you should reach back and reconnect with old friends from a while back or make new frirnds. Join groups, clubs, take group lessons
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