don't know whether contacting my biological sister is the right thing to do (relatives, personality)
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You have interpreted echo's posts quite differently than I have. You think echo has sinister motives in wanting to become acquainted with her sisters? I think your post is hurtful and dead-wrong and I hate to even think about the additional pain your words will cause to echo.
Actually I don't think it's sinister, it's more complicated than that. The mother's response wasn't what she wanted it to be, and it was decided she no longer had any say in the matter. She's going to have to face her guilt now -- and she's got some big explaining to do.
I just wonder what all the mother's reasons might have been. Sometimes we don't know all the reasons someone may have been keeping something secret that we didn't think they should keep secret. There may be a lot more to it than she just simply frivously decided to bury her past. One of my family members decided to come out with a decades long secret a few years ago, we all took it fine, but it was very very difficult for her, even to relive and explain some very difficult events and times. I just know how her voice quivered, and she was trembling while she revealed her own deep and long secrets and painful memories.
Not really. The events happened before her other daughters were born. Her motives and her life before they were born are really none of their business. If the subject is painful to talk about, then she has every right not to talk about it. All that the OP is forcing with her communication is a simple acknowledgement that the relationship exists.
I congratulate you on being able to sleep at night and having a clean conscious knowing you have possibly turned her other children away from her. What gives YOU the RIGHT to do this? She gave you up for adoption for a reason AND she kept it a secret for a reason. YOU have no right no matter how you justify it to do this to her.
Being a Christian has nothing to do with her decision, it seems to me being a Christian is what helped make her decision knowing she could not care for you properly. Then again, in the time frame of your birth "those girls" were not accepted readily and her family was "shamed" and she may have been forced to give you up for adoption. The ONLY ONE who should feel any GUILT in this situation is YOU.
PS -- YOUR actions are NOT very Christian like either, just to let you know.
I congratulate you on being able to sleep at night and having a clean conscious knowing you have possibly turned her other children away from her. What gives YOU the RIGHT to do this? She gave you up for adoption for a reason AND she kept it a secret for a reason. YOU have no right no matter how you justify it to do this to her.
Being a Christian has nothing to do with her decision, it seems to me being a Christian is what helped make her decision knowing she could not care for you properly. Then again, in the time frame of your birth "those girls" were not accepted readily and her family was "shamed" and she may have been forced to give you up for adoption. The ONLY ONE who should feel any GUILT in this situation is YOU.
PS -- YOUR actions are NOT very Christian like either, just to let you know.
CSD - honestly - your reaction and words are over the top! Would you "turn away" from your mother if you discovered you had two siblings that had been given up for adoption? I seriously doubt it! Assuming that bio-mom has had a loving relationship with her other children, adults the age of OP's siblings are not so shallow as to discount their history, their lives with their own parent. What occurred in their mother's life before they were even born is not part of their history with her.
While you are making all your assumptions, you might consider that giving up two children for adoption may have overshadowed bio-mom's life and interaction with her other children in many ways and finding out what occurred before they were born may put new light on their own relationship with their mother. Who knows?
There is no such thing as too much love in this life. We don't know what is going to unfold, but it is very unlikely that people are going to "turn away" from one another because they find out momma had a baby when she was a teen.
CSD610 I 'pray' you are wrong, but yes anything in possible. I do find a litte contradition in your comment when you say 'being a christian has nothing to do with her decision, it seems to me being a christian is what helped her to make this decision knowing she could not care for you properly'. I don't want to focus on the 'christian' aspect but since we are, our God is a forgiving God. We are all sinners and as I said earlier we will answer to Him. I do sleep at night mostly because I have spent almost ALL of my life thinking about this. I lost more sleep when I was unsure but it is done now and I do hope you are wrong. None of us know what will come out of this. When she gave me up, she knew this was something that could happen and she must have lost lots of sleep herself.
I congratulate you on being able to sleep at night and having a clean conscious knowing you have possibly turned her other children away from her. What gives YOU the RIGHT to do this? She gave you up for adoption for a reason AND she kept it a secret for a reason. YOU have no right no matter how you justify it to do this to her.
Being a Christian has nothing to do with her decision, it seems to me being a Christian is what helped make her decision knowing she could not care for you properly. Then again, in the time frame of your birth "those girls" were not accepted readily and her family was "shamed" and she may have been forced to give you up for adoption. The ONLY ONE who should feel any GUILT in this situation is YOU.
PS -- YOUR actions are NOT very Christian like either, just to let you know.
Wow...CSD I'm sorry, but your post above to echo is simply harsh, unkind, insensitive, and quite frankly unjustified, IMO...
Personally, I think echo's bio mother's behavior towards her is inexcusable, and indefensible. Not necessarily the act of the adoption of itself, but the fact that echo's mother effectively and intentionally deprived echo from even knowing about her other biological family members, and being able to have meaningful, loving family relationships with them, throughout her life so far. That in and of itself was unforgivably cruel, of echo's mother. Just my $.02, though...
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 03-14-2013 at 09:24 AM..
Well, I spent most of today putting a lot of thought into the comments of CSD610. Funny thing is it made me think, 'Mom???' The comments sound like you personally have some sort of experience that you are basing the comments on, CSD610. We cannot forget she had two babies and gave both up for adoption, hoping to just carry on without any chance of her secret being revealed. Ironically, it was her son born in 1958 that found me. He, as well wants to find his biological connections. So of the two children she gave up, both are willing to search and hopefully find answers. Neither of us have any explanation for her circumstances that led to two pregnancies and so close together I might add. It was only 4 months after giving up a child that she found herself pregnant again. It is very nieve of her to not consider the possibilities of exposure. I think it would have been nice, when I sat and talked with her if she would have shared her story with me, including the fact that there was another child.
Given that your birth mother gave up two children and considering her defensiveness and strong refusal to acknowledge you and to discuss your father, you have to consider the possibility of incest.
If that's the case, then it's a mighty can of worms indeed you'll be opening. It's possible your birth mother has siblings or other relatives and/or peers who know what happened and these are exceedingly painful, long buried memories for them.
Tread carefully.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
We don't know what is going to unfold, but it is very unlikely that people are going to "turn away" from one another because they find out momma had a baby when she was a teen.
Still the mother has good reason to think they'll question her about the circumstances. She may have a very good reason for not wanting "to go there". Especially if something like repeated rape or incest was involved, revisiting it - without compassionate, competent professional help - could end up being harmful to the mother's health and mental well-being.
Last edited by biscuitmom; 03-14-2013 at 08:38 PM..
Echo have you received any responses? I'm curious to see how this turns out. I tracked down my biological mother and siblings. Our lifestyles are SO different. However, i'm glad i did it. I'm also glad i was put up for adoption. I won't go into the details. Now i keep in touch with all of my siblings. We're still like strangers in a way. However, they still invite me to their family functions.
No Chilipepper35 I have not heard back yet. But like I mentioned earlier, I am unsure how freguently she is on FB. I am sure that she will open and read it as I made sure to start it with something that would get her immediate attention. It states the name I was born with which happens to be the same last name as her mothers maiden name. I am prepared to wait a few months before hearing anything. I will definately have a dilema if I don't hear anything after that time. In my heart I feel that this with definately be traumatic in the beginning, but this is 2013. Peoples attitudes are soo different now and society has grown and changed. Our society is all about being open. I understand that bio-mom is from a different age, but still I have hope that she is kinda with the time, so to speak. Even the brother that I met, we don't have a close, emotional connection, but we do get along and talk about things, openly, without judgement. I can't say the same thing about the adoptive siblings that I grew up with. We are estranged and will never have any kind of relationship. Very sad actually. I always say, it is their loss to have a sister that doesn't meet their expectations. So, my point is, the relationship I have with my bio-brother is as close as can be expected, and very comfortable. I appreciate that, it's enough for me.
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