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I have this friend of 20 years (we are both females), and about half a year ago I started to distance myself from her after having a confrontation with her about how I felt uncomfortable or even pissed by some of her behaviours/words towards me which were sometimes quite rude, mean or even belittling and insulting; and always involve making comparisons with me. I told her about my feelings and asked her to be more considerate of people's feelings, but she didn't take it quite well and accused me of deliberately hurting her to make myself feel good. She also said I should appreciate her honesty and straightforwardness (she meant having no filter is a positive quality) and accepted her as who she was. She said there's nothing she could do if I didn't accept and like her, because she wouldn't change.
It was her reaction that actually turned me off and made me feel like I didn't want to be friend with her anymore, because she just turned the table around and refused to respect my boundaries. And so I started to keep my distance since then.
Then 1 or 2 months later, I read from her husband's facebook that she's pregnant. She didn't announce the news herself, but instead just kept throwing hints like repeatedly posting about how she had to hurry up in doing the things/going to the places she wanted to do/go asap because she wouldn't have the chance later. I felt like she's trying very hard to get people to ask her why so that she could tell us that she's pregnant.
And this just felt so familiar because she used this "tactic" before too when she was engaged. She pretended like she didn't want to talk about it, and when she had the chance to tell us that she's getting married, she made it sound like she couldn't care less about it. She repeatedly said that it wasn't her who wanted to get married and to throw the wedding, because she's not a tradition woman who saw marriage as a big thing in life, she only gave in because her boyfriend wanted to marry her so much. She also kept saying what a bad thing it was to be married because she would have to take care of her husband and do housework etc. and even said that it's a big "risk" to take to live together with your partner and made it like a very big deal. But while she's complaining about it, you just knew that she's actually very happy and proud about getting married (and being the first among us to unlock this "life achievement"). And at the end she rounded it up by saying to me, "Oh, but you won't understand any of these, since you're not married yet!"
She has to drag me into the comparisons with her in almost everything, and tries to make me feel jealous or even inferior whenever possible. Funny thing was I had already moved in with my boyfriend for a few years at that time and also turned down his proposal because I wasn't interested in marriage at that time. I traveled a lot and I didn't want to settle. I'm actually the kind of woman she wants to become but she couldn't because she always stays in line and is afraid of changes and risks. But somehow she always thinks that by saying these things to me, I would feel bad about myself. But I only feel bad about being around her and having to listen to these craps all the time.
Since I could smell that she's trying to humble-brag about her pregnancy just like how she did about her marriage, and since I was distancing myself from her, I didn't like or leave comments on her posts nor do I reach out to her to ask. I would definitely congratulate her if she told me the news herself. I simply decided to take the passive role and to prevent her from humblebragging to me again.
Perhaps she found that I wasn't asking her, she started to message me and even called me several times in the past months. But every time she just saying she felt sad and bad that she wouldn't be able to do anything or go anywhere soon, and trying to get me to ask her why (and btw, I actually never heard any pregnant women saying this kind of things... why would pregnancy stop you from doing anything or going anywhere? she's just dramatizing things). But I didn't ask her as she wished. I just sat back and felt amused by her persistence in getting me to follow the script she had in her head. She's been trying these for months now and I just thought "why don't you just say it already?". Wouldn't it be so much easier if she just announces it directly like her husband did, and like any normal person would do? Why all the drama? I feel like it just further proves my point, and if I follow her script, she would have the chance to humble brag to me and also pull me into it in order to make comparisons between us and make me feel inferior (she' pregnant v.s. I'm not).
I only replied to her messages and answered her calls because she's pregnant, otherwise I would have kept my distance as I said before. I'm just being considerate enough to give her the attention she wants, but my boundary is she has to say it directly and no more humblebrag, no more comparison and no more drama. Am I too harsh to a pregnant woman? Is it too much to ask for?
...... I only replied to her messages and answered her calls because she's pregnant, otherwise I would have kept my distance as I said before. .....
Why? The baby doesn't know if you're replying so what difference does it make if she's pregnant? It sounds to me as though you're using the baby as an excuse to yourself for NOT keeping your distance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kearajane
...... I'm just being considerate enough to give her the attention she wants, but my boundary is she has to say it directly and no more humblebrag, no more comparison and no more drama. Am I too harsh to a pregnant woman? Is it too much to ask for?
You are not being considerate so stop using her pregnancy as an excuse for all the drama. Forget about setting boundaries and making demands. I think both you and the pregnant woman are being self-centered drama queens who both are asking for too much attention for yourselves. Why don't you just admit it to yourself that you and she are just not all that into each other anymore and are more into only yourselves?
I think you should back off and both of you keep your distance from each other, this is not a healthy relationship, it has become toxic from all the jealousy, drama and self-centered attention seeking that you're both exhibiting.
Why? The baby doesn't know if you're replying so what difference does it make if she's pregnant? It sounds to me as though you're using the baby as an excuse to yourself for NOT keeping your distance.
You are not being considerate so stop using her pregnancy as an excuse for all the drama. Forget about setting boundaries and making demands. I think both you and the pregnant woman are being self-centered drama queens who both are asking for too much attention for yourselves. Why don't you just admit it to yourself that you and she are just not all that into each other anymore and are more into only yourselves?
I think you should back off and both of you keep your distance from each other, this is not a healthy relationship, it has become toxic from all the jealousy, drama and self-centered attention seeking that you're both exhibiting.
Seems like you two are just not compatible as friends. I'm saying this as someone who would probably be annoyed as heck by her behavior. You don't have to answer her calls just because she is pregnant. Stop feeding into the drama and cut her off.
Why are you letting this "friend" control so much of your life? You sound obsessed with speculating about everything she says, doesn't say, does or doesn't do. You also sound envious. Also suspect that you feed off the resentment she triggers in you. Whether she's pregnant or not isn't the issue. Sounds as if she would treat you this way even if she wasn't. If you don't like the way this person treats you, back away, live your own life, and let the "friendship" die on its own.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-27-2021 at 03:02 PM..
Seems like you two are just not compatible as friends. I'm saying this as someone who would probably be annoyed as heck by her behavior. You don't have to answer her calls just because she is pregnant. Stop feeding into the drama and cut her off.
I agree. Friendships aren't this hard OR shouldn't be if it's w/ the right-charactered person who's compatible w/ your character. Forget this attention-starving wench whose priorities in life sound all f----d up.
I have this friend of 20 years (we are both females), and about half a year ago I started to distance myself from her after having a confrontation with her about how I felt uncomfortable or even pissed by some of her behaviours/words towards me which were sometimes quite rude, mean or even belittling and insulting; and always involve making comparisons with me. I told her about my feelings and asked her to be more considerate of people's feelings, but she didn't take it quite well and accused me of deliberately hurting her to make myself feel good. She also said I should appreciate her honesty and straightforwardness (she meant having no filter is a positive quality) and accepted her as who she was. She said there's nothing she could do if I didn't accept and like her, because she wouldn't change.
It was her reaction that actually turned me off and made me feel like I didn't want to be friend with her anymore, because she just turned the table around and refused to respect my boundaries. And so I started to keep my distance since then.
Then 1 or 2 months later, I read from her husband's facebook that she's pregnant. She didn't announce the news herself, but instead just kept throwing hints like repeatedly posting about how she had to hurry up in doing the things/going to the places she wanted to do/go asap because she wouldn't have the chance later. I felt like she's trying very hard to get people to ask her why so that she could tell us that she's pregnant.
And this just felt so familiar because she used this "tactic" before too when she was engaged. She pretended like she didn't want to talk about it, and when she had the chance to tell us that she's getting married, she made it sound like she couldn't care less about it. She repeatedly said that it wasn't her who wanted to get married and to throw the wedding, because she's not a tradition woman who saw marriage as a big thing in life, she only gave in because her boyfriend wanted to marry her so much. She also kept saying what a bad thing it was to be married because she would have to take care of her husband and do housework etc. and even said that it's a big "risk" to take to live together with your partner and made it like a very big deal. But while she's complaining about it, you just knew that she's actually very happy and proud about getting married (and being the first among us to unlock this "life achievement"). And at the end she rounded it up by saying to me, "Oh, but you won't understand any of these, since you're not married yet!"
She has to drag me into the comparisons with her in almost everything, and tries to make me feel jealous or even inferior whenever possible. Funny thing was I had already moved in with my boyfriend for a few years at that time and also turned down his proposal because I wasn't interested in marriage at that time. I traveled a lot and I didn't want to settle. I'm actually the kind of woman she wants to become but she couldn't because she always stays in line and is afraid of changes and risks. But somehow she always thinks that by saying these things to me, I would feel bad about myself. But I only feel bad about being around her and having to listen to these craps all the time.
Since I could smell that she's trying to humble-brag about her pregnancy just like how she did about her marriage, and since I was distancing myself from her, I didn't like or leave comments on her posts nor do I reach out to her to ask. I would definitely congratulate her if she told me the news herself. I simply decided to take the passive role and to prevent her from humblebragging to me again.
Perhaps she found that I wasn't asking her, she started to message me and even called me several times in the past months. But every time she just saying she felt sad and bad that she wouldn't be able to do anything or go anywhere soon, and trying to get me to ask her why (and btw, I actually never heard any pregnant women saying this kind of things... why would pregnancy stop you from doing anything or going anywhere? she's just dramatizing things). But I didn't ask her as she wished. I just sat back and felt amused by her persistence in getting me to follow the script she had in her head. She's been trying these for months now and I just thought "why don't you just say it already?". Wouldn't it be so much easier if she just announces it directly like her husband did, and like any normal person would do? Why all the drama? I feel like it just further proves my point, and if I follow her script, she would have the chance to humble brag to me and also pull me into it in order to make comparisons between us and make me feel inferior (she' pregnant v.s. I'm not).
I only replied to her messages and answered her calls because she's pregnant, otherwise I would have kept my distance as I said before. I'm just being considerate enough to give her the attention she wants, but my boundary is she has to say it directly and no more humblebrag, no more comparison and no more drama. Am I too harsh to a pregnant woman? Is it too much to ask for?
You are NOT too harsh! You have been quite patient and forgiving.
1. This woman has narcissistic tendencies.
2, She needs to belittle others in order to feel good about herself.
3. She wants to be the center of attention at all costs.
4. This little pregnancy "guessing game" is yet another way for her to be center stage. Dropping hints. Being coy and secretive towards her friends is a means of control.
5. Narcs do not like to lose friends. They love to have others in their "Narcissistic Orbit" - those are the people who they chose are people they see as those who will complement them, those they see as competitors, but who have something that they do not. The "friend's" achievements - or appearance or whatever, will in some way reflect well on the narc and make them look good.
They never choose total "rejects" as their friends - but they pick people who they see as a notch or two beneath them who are slightly unsure of themselves.
6. She will never, ever change.
Normal people do not see friendships as transactional. Narcs do.
Personally, I would stay away. She will brag about her baby, once it is born. You may find yourself babysitting or do other baby related tasks. In her mind, this baby will be perfect and she will let you know that.
Cut and run! Don't get involved with all of the drama that will follow. The shower. The whole deal. If she is obnoxious now, just wait until she has a baby!
You don't need a friend who tries to make you feel bad about yourself, and who makes cutting remarks at your expense.
Protect YOURSELF!
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Why are you letting this "friend" control so much of your life? You sound obsessed with speculating about everything she says, doesn't say, does or doesn't do. You also sound envious. Also suspect that you feed off the resentment she triggers in you. Whether she's pregnant or not isn't the issue. Sounds as if she would treat you this way even if she wasn't. If you don't like the way this person treats you, back away, live your own life, and let the "friendship" die on its own.
