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"Max" and I have been friends since I moved to this town - over 4 years now. Our relationship is purely platonic on both sides, so at least that's not an issue. About a year ago, Max finished up his degree online and got a job working at the local Independence Center. Independence Centers are scattered around in communities everywhere - their purpose is to be advocates for the disabled and help them attain as much "independence" as possible - hence the name.
I myself am disabled and have gotten assistance from an Independence center on an occasion or two. They do very good work and play an important role helping those with disabilities find employment and housing among other things.
This was exactly the kind of work Max was hoping to get, and he was pretty pleased about landing the job. I was pleased for him too, and told him so. Yay, Max!
Not.
Almost from day one, Max has loathed that job. He doesn't like the woman who trained him and who is the only other person from the Indpendence Center here. Max also doesn't like his boss in the main office - in fact, he seems to hate everyone he comes into contact with at work. This was a side to him I'd never seen before and while I tried to be sympathetic, I felt he was acting a bit like a spoiled child.
Max doesn't want to learn how to use the computer programs they use at the main office. He even dug in his heels over sending faxes until I showed him how easy it is. Every fax or e-mail from the boss, Max treats like the next skirmish in an on-going war. Plus, he often resents the clients who are referred to him for help.
All of the above was a turn-off for me. As well as acting like a real brat, he's been just plain lazy when it comes to his work. Like he's supposed to facilitate a group for people with brain injuries for an hour once a month. He gets out of this horrible chore by not calling the participents the day before with a reminder. Since many people with brain injuries have poor short term memories, they don't show up and Max is free to go.
I'd love to have a job like his and work with other people with disabilities. The computer programs Max considers impossible are no harder than Word (I went over once to see if I could help him learn it), but he barely knows Word, either. I have no idea how it made it through school being so computer illiterate.
The other thing that has turned me off about Max is his heavy medical marijuana use. Well, marijuana of any sort is now legal here and I have no major issues about it either way. It doesn't do anything for me, so I don't use it. If you do, that's fine by me. But I came to realize that Max is always broke because of his pot habit. I could understand him not having much money before, but he STILL doesn't have money even with his higher paycheck. He skips on his mortgage payment to pay his pot bill and he smokes almost non-stop 24/7. They say you don't get addicted to marijuana, but Max sure seems addicted to me.
So, I have slowly begun to distance myself from him. We still talked and everything, just not so much as before. I've also had some major health problems that have prevented me from doing as much as I'd like.
OK, FINALLY getting to the point. I get social security disability and I was approved for a special program that requires lots of record keeping, staying up with the finances, etc. I should have never gotten myself into it. I tried very hard, but I failed at it and the whole thing blew up in my face. I missed deadlines, I incurred penalties - the whole 9 yards. I have only myself to blame for the whole thing.
Max came over to help me out, and he made several calls to social security on my behalf. He helped me quite a bit, just letting them know that someone else was watching what was coming down, and that they needed to follow their own rules which they hadn't been doing. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated his efforts. His reply was, "It's my job." He left a few minutes later. That hurt because I still considered him a friend even though we're not as close as we once were. I haven't called him or picked up when he calls me since. Those words to me were like the last straw.
Am I over-reacting? How should I handle this situation? And do I really need a "friend" like this?
Thanks to anyone who makes it through this long post and gives me some advice. I sure need it!
For one, you seem really invested in a job that's not even yours. I'm not sure if its a life or death situation for those people who missed out their appointments-- but if it is, then you need to report him. Otherwise, step away from the whole job situation; that's his to deal with. If he continues to be this difficult, he'll lose it eventually. The pot won't help him at all-- and again, his problem. Have you talked to him about your concerns? That's pretty much all you can do in regards to that.
If it's your dream job, are you working towards obtaining this job?
As for the whole "Its my job." I don't think he meant it as an insult. He probably meant it more in a "no problem" way. I wonder if you have some issue with your disability that makes you sensitive at the perception of being a burden? I am DHH and have to deal with hearing people, so some things they do or say stings-- even though most of time they don't mean it that way and they're simply... oblivious/clueless.
The most you can do is just talk to your friend. It could be that your friend certainly didn't mean it like that. Give him a chance to clear the air. It would be what you want him to do for you if the situation was reversed.
For one, you seem really invested in a job that's not even yours. I'm not sure if its a life or death situation for those people who missed out their appointments-- but if it is, then you need to report him. Otherwise, step away from the whole job situation; that's his to deal with. If he continues to be this difficult, he'll lose it eventually.
Good point. I think I'm a little jealous because I used to be able to do jobs like the one Max has, and since I became disabled, I can't. While it's not really my dream job, it's still a pretty decent job and sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him, "Don't you see how fortunate you are to be able to do this?" Obviously, he doesn't. I wish he would quit with all the complaining, however - or at least take it down a few notches.
However, I think anyone would get annoyed after a while to always be driving over to someone's house to open an attachment on an e-mail or open up and save a document in word for them. That kind of thing makes me feel like he's expecting me to be his Mom.
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The pot won't help him at all-- and again, his problem. Have you talked to him about your concerns? That's pretty much all you can do in regards to that.
The pot IS his problem - now. Before I really understood how much he was spending on pot, I made him a few loans - one was for a $100 - not much to some - but quite a bit for me. I've learned my lesson on that one. Paying his pot bill is more important than paying back loans from friends. So, I've hardened my heart when he tells me dinner last night was a single can of corn he found in his cupboard. He's a big boy and how he spends his money is up to him. If he makes bad decisions and no one bails him out, maybe he'll rethink some things. He already knows his pot smoking is creating problems for himself - he's told me that a couple of times and I encouraged him to quit. So far he hasn't, but addictions are hard to break.
Quote:
As for the whole "Its my job." I don't think he meant it as an insult. He probably meant it more in a "no problem" way. I wonder if you have some issue with your disability that makes you sensitive at the perception of being a burden? I am DHH and have to deal with hearing people, so some things they do or say stings-- even though most of time they don't mean it that way and they're simply... oblivious/clueless.
I'm ALWAYS scared of becoming a burden to others. I don't know if I will ever fully accept the fact that I can't do many of the things I once did, so yeah, that's a trigger for me.
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The most you can do is just talk to your friend. It could be that your friend certainly didn't mean it like that. Give him a chance to clear the air. It would be what you want him to do for you if the situation was reversed.
Oh, I'll talk with him - probably sooner rather than later. I just need some time to process everything.
You made some very good points - thank you!
Last edited by Colorado Rambler; 06-21-2013 at 01:05 AM..
"Max" and I have been friends since I moved to this town - over 4 years now. Our relationship is purely platonic on both sides, so at least that's not an issue. About a year ago, Max finished up his degree online and got a job working at the local Independence Center. Independence Centers are scattered around in communities everywhere - their purpose is to be advocates for the disabled and help them attain as much "independence" as possible - hence the name.
I myself am disabled and have gotten assistance from an Independence center on an occasion or two. They do very good work and play an important role helping those with disabilities find employment and housing among other things.
This was exactly the kind of work Max was hoping to get, and he was pretty pleased about landing the job. I was pleased for him too, and told him so. Yay, Max!
Not.
Almost from day one, Max has loathed that job. He doesn't like the woman who trained him and who is the only other person from the Indpendence Center here. Max also doesn't like his boss in the main office - in fact, he seems to hate everyone he comes into contact with at work. This was a side to him I'd never seen before and while I tried to be sympathetic, I felt he was acting a bit like a spoiled child.
Max doesn't want to learn how to use the computer programs they use at the main office. He even dug in his heels over sending faxes until I showed him how easy it is. Every fax or e-mail from the boss, Max treats like the next skirmish in an on-going war. Plus, he often resents the clients who are referred to him for help.
All of the above was a turn-off for me. As well as acting like a real brat, he's been just plain lazy when it comes to his work. Like he's supposed to facilitate a group for people with brain injuries for an hour once a month. He gets out of this horrible chore by not calling the participents the day before with a reminder. Since many people with brain injuries have poor short term memories, they don't show up and Max is free to go.
I'd love to have a job like his and work with other people with disabilities. The computer programs Max considers impossible are no harder than Word (I went over once to see if I could help him learn it), but he barely knows Word, either. I have no idea how it made it through school being so computer illiterate.
The other thing that has turned me off about Max is his heavy medical marijuana use. Well, marijuana of any sort is now legal here and I have no major issues about it either way. It doesn't do anything for me, so I don't use it. If you do, that's fine by me. But I came to realize that Max is always broke because of his pot habit. I could understand him not having much money before, but he STILL doesn't have money even with his higher paycheck. He skips on his mortgage payment to pay his pot bill and he smokes almost non-stop 24/7. They say you don't get addicted to marijuana, but Max sure seems addicted to me.
So, I have slowly begun to distance myself from him. We still talked and everything, just not so much as before. I've also had some major health problems that have prevented me from doing as much as I'd like.
OK, FINALLY getting to the point. I get social security disability and I was approved for a special program that requires lots of record keeping, staying up with the finances, etc. I should have never gotten myself into it. I tried very hard, but I failed at it and the whole thing blew up in my face. I missed deadlines, I incurred penalties - the whole 9 yards. I have only myself to blame for the whole thing.
Max came over to help me out, and he made several calls to social security on my behalf. He helped me quite a bit, just letting them know that someone else was watching what was coming down, and that they needed to follow their own rules which they hadn't been doing. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated his efforts. His reply was, "It's my job." He left a few minutes later. That hurt because I still considered him a friend even though we're not as close as we once were. I haven't called him or picked up when he calls me since. Those words to me were like the last straw.
Am I over-reacting? How should I handle this situation? And do I really need a "friend" like this?
Thanks to anyone who makes it through this long post and gives me some advice. I sure need it!
Are you sure you're not overreacting a little bit? Perhaps, because that job is something you would love to do, you're increasingly irritated at Max, because he doesn't seem to have the "heart" for it.
His comment, "It's my job.", doesn't sound mean at all. As the previous poster said, it's just some folks' way of saying, "No problem!"...= "You're welcome". If I were you, I'd give Max a call and apologize for your overreaction.
Can you imagine why he might be feeling a bit stressed or irritated with the job? People come to him every day for help. Does he get thanks? Some people really are so clueless, when it comes to showing gratitude. He helped you, and after doing so, you cut off all communication with him, shut him out of your life. That would hurt me, of that I have no doubt.
Are you sure you're not overreacting a little bit? Perhaps, because that job is something you would love to do, you're increasingly irritated at Max, because he doesn't seem to have the "heart" for it.
His comment, "It's my job.", doesn't sound mean at all. As the previous poster said, it's just some folks' way of saying, "No problem!"...= "You're welcome". If I were you, I'd give Max a call and apologize for your overreaction.
Can you imagine why he might be feeling a bit stressed or irritated with the job? People come to him every day for help. Does he get thanks? Some people really are so clueless, when it comes to showing gratitude. He helped you, and after doing so, you cut off all communication with him, shut him out of your life. That would hurt me, of that I have no doubt.
I agree that his comment "It's my job" might have meant something else---maybe "It's my job so I know exactly who to call to help out my friends".
Now, his poor work habits and excessive marijuana use that would be a annoying to me. Don't ever loan/give him any more money..
Not reminding people with brain damage about their monthly meeting? That is terrible!
Are you sure you're not overreacting a little bit? Perhaps, because that job is something you would love to do, you're increasingly irritated at Max, because he doesn't seem to have the "heart" for it.
His comment, "It's my job.", doesn't sound mean at all. As the previous poster said, it's just some folks' way of saying, "No problem!"...= "You're welcome". If I were you, I'd give Max a call and apologize for your overreaction.
Can you imagine why he might be feeling a bit stressed or irritated with the job? People come to him every day for help. Does he get thanks? Some people really are so clueless, when it comes to showing gratitude. He helped you, and after doing so, you cut off all communication with him, shut him out of your life. That would hurt me, of that I have no doubt.
OK, another person tells me I overreacted. Maybe I really did. I'm glad that at least I didn't jump down his throat over it, plus he thinks I've gone out of town which is why I haven't been in touch (I was planning a small trip, but I had a health set-back and had to delay my departure).
I understand him feeling stressed out because he's trying to help individuals who often have major (and sometimes unsolvable) problems. However, this is his profession, and he's been doing this stuff on one level or another for YEARS.
Another thing that's going on here is that he just suffered a major disappointment in his personal life. Given everything that has been happening to each of us in our own lives, and me being put off by his heavy pot smoking and his attitude about his work, a strain has been placed on the friendship.
I'm hoping that if I can just get out of town for 2 or 3 days, that will give me some perspective on this situation with Max.
Thank you for going to the trouble of reading my long ole post, and giving me a reasoned reply!
OK, another person tells me I overreacted. Maybe I really did. I'm glad that at least I didn't jump down his throat over it, plus he thinks I've gone out of town which is why I haven't been in touch (I was planning a small trip, but I had a health set-back and had to delay my departure).
I understand him feeling stressed out because he's trying to help individuals who often have major (and sometimes unsolvable) problems. However, this is his profession, and he's been doing this stuff on one level or another for YEARS.
Another thing that's going on here is that he just suffered a major disappointment in his personal life. Given everything that has been happening to each of us in our own lives, and me being put off by his heavy pot smoking and his attitude about his work, a strain has been placed on the friendship.
I'm hoping that if I can just get out of town for 2 or 3 days, that will give me some perspective on this situation with Max.
Thank you for going to the trouble of reading my long ole post, and giving me a reasoned reply!
You are very welcome. You know, being a nurse and having dealt with many healthcare professionals and caregivers, I have firsthand knowledge of that horrible thing called "burnout". You go into a profession and deal with so many things....so much that you can't change, endless sad, bitter, frustrated, needy people and eventually, most people burn out.
They can seem anything but caring. The things I've heard come out of Drs and Nurses' mouths would TERRIFY you! I hope you're able to get out of town and yes, think this through. Maybe, just maybe...Max needs to hear how much of a difference he makes. Maybe you letting him know that you were lost...had hit a brick wall on getting the help you were looking for and all because of him, things worked out for you.
It's sad, CR, because the people going to the Maxes in this world? They're frustrated, mad, sad and lookin' to lash out to someone. They don't take the time to show their appreciation when the Maxes of the world go an extra mile to make things happen....after all, it's no biggie right?....it's their job. Why on earth would you thank someone for simply doing their job. I think HE needs someone to let him know that he IS making a difference...that he's made a HUGE difference in YOUR life.
Bless you.....get some rest and relaxation and have a fantastic weekend.
You are very welcome. You know, being a nurse and having dealt with many healthcare professionals and caregivers, I have firsthand knowledge of that horrible thing called "burnout". You go into a profession and deal with so many things....so much that you can't change, endless sad, bitter, frustrated, needy people and eventually, most people burn out.
They can seem anything but caring. The things I've heard come out of Drs and Nurses' mouths would TERRIFY you! I hope you're able to get out of town and yes, think this through. Maybe, just maybe...Max needs to hear how much of a difference he makes. Maybe you letting him know that you were lost...had hit a brick wall on getting the help you were looking for and all because of him, things worked out for you.
It's sad, CR, because the people going to the Maxes in this world? They're frustrated, mad, sad and lookin' to lash out to someone. They don't take the time to show their appreciation when the Maxes of the world go an extra mile to make things happen....after all, it's no biggie right?....it's their job. Why on earth would you thank someone for simply doing their job. I think HE needs someone to let him know that he IS making a difference...that he's made a HUGE difference in YOUR life.
Bless you.....get some rest and relaxation and have a fantastic weekend.
"You must spread more reputation around before you can give some to beachmel again."
I think I can understand about the burn-out thing if for no other reason than that I live between 3 major reservations. The way a once proud people have been decimated by alcohol makes me terribly sad - especially since I am in recovery in AA myself. I wish I could help somehow, but I can't. I know several anglo's who accepted jobs on the rez, trying to make a difference - all to no avail.
Max came over today to help me with another round in what feels like a battle with no end in sight - so many papers! I think the government is going to have to clear-cut an entire forest before this is resolved!
Anyhow, Max recently applied for a better job in another town, and they led him to believe that they were going to hire him. At the last minute someone interviewed whom they claimed was better qualified, so Max didn't get the job after all. MAJOR disappointment!
I have a nice little journal with an intricate design of 8 horses on the cover and back and, being an ex-cowboy, Max had always admired it. When I thought he was leaving, I ordered another one just like it for Max's going away present.
Since he is now staying after all, I gave him the journal today and told him it was something I wanted him to have for putting so much effort into helping me. He was delighted with it. In fact, he was still smiling when he left my place a half an hour later. I'm really glad I took your and Inkpoe's advise and didn't do something there'd be no coming back from. Thanks again!
"You must spread more reputation around before you can give some to beachmel again."
I think I can understand about the burn-out thing if for no other reason than that I live between 3 major reservations. The way a once proud people have been decimated by alcohol makes me terribly sad - especially since I am in recovery in AA myself. I wish I could help somehow, but I can't. I know several anglo's who accepted jobs on the rez, trying to make a difference - all to no avail.
Max came over today to help me with another round in what feels like a battle with no end in sight - so many papers! I think the government is going to have to clear-cut an entire forest before this is resolved!
Anyhow, Max recently applied for a better job in another town, and they led him to believe that they were going to hire him. At the last minute someone interviewed whom they claimed was better qualified, so Max didn't get the job after all. MAJOR disappointment!
I have a nice little journal with an intricate design of 8 horses on the cover and back and, being an ex-cowboy, Max had always admired it. When I thought he was leaving, I ordered another one just like it for Max's going away present.
Since he is now staying after all, I gave him the journal today and told him it was something I wanted him to have for putting so much effort into helping me. He was delighted with it. In fact, he was still smiling when he left my place a half an hour later. I'm really glad I took your and Inkpoe's advise and didn't do something there'd be no coming back from. Thanks again!
Thank you for the update.
I'm happy to learn that the situation worked out well. I'm happy that you and your friend are happy.
CR...you made me cry! First off, I am so sorry that you're having so much trouble with horrid paperwork and red tape AND for your friend's disappointment so well. What you did though...I mean, showing him...actually SHOWING him that someone DOES care about him, that someone DOES truly appreciate him, has just made a huge difference in his life.
I feel awful for your friend. That is a horrible letdown. With what you're going through yourself, hitting brick walls....you KNOW what those "get excited, only to get let down hard, later" emotions feel like!
You know what's ironic though, CR? Max might have gotten that job. He might have been sailing on cloud 9...sensationalizing that job, imagining just how much happier it would make him. Most people do that, don't they? The truth is, in the grand reality of it all...Max would have gotten that new job and wished he'd just stuck with the old one.
You, my friend...just showed him that, at least for now, he's exactly where he's supposed to be. Bless you CR. Please keep showing your kindness and appreciation. It's such a rare thing these days.
On a personal note...medical professionals are not supposed to accept gifts. You know, sometimes...NOT accepting a gift from someone, is hurtful to them. When you've made a difference in someone's life, there are a few people out there who NEED to physically show that appreciation, in order to feel better and to, in fact....heal. I've had patients and their families who were like that.
They didn't want to thank the facility, where I was working. Why would they? The facility made promise after empty promise to them. They had 1/2 the staff they "claimed" to have and their workers were run ragged. The only person who REALLY seemed to care.....who went that extra mile...was Mel. That is who they "needed" to show appreciation to. One of the most precious gifts was a card that would make a hardened criminal bawl.....and an "Angel of Love", made of pottery. Okay....can't talk about that. Just thinking about it makes me lose it, because it's one of those moments where I realized that I was where I was supposed to be...at that moment in time.
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If I were you, I'd give Max a call and apologize for your overreaction. 
First off, I am so sorry that you're having so much trouble with horrid paperwork and red tape AND for your friend's disappointment so well. What you did though...I mean, showing him...actually SHOWING him that someone DOES care about him, that someone DOES truly appreciate him, has just made a huge difference in his life. 
