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There are some women who like to have certain women in their social circles who are permanently single. I'm not sure exactly what they get out of this, but I suppose it makes them feel superior. Maybe they see the non-dating, single women as female eunuchs who are non-threatening. I know that when I improved my appearance, started dating, and finally, married, at least one happily-married female family member distanced herself from me and seemed disappointed that my life had improved. The "friend" described by the OP who tried to convince her that some people simply have to be alone forever is probably similar to my relative. I would encourage the OP to try to form friendships with people who are actually interested in her welfare and who will support her efforts to accomplish her goals.
This is ridiculous. We don't blame women for getting an education! That's not a fault, any more than it's reprehensible for men to get a law degree or MD. Listen to what you're saying guys, this is nonsense! Furthermore, plenty of men and women get married in grad school, or immediately after. Niki didn't happen to meet any likely candidates. That's not her fault. Making sweeping blanket statements like this only reveals your own ignorance.
No one blames men for being self-centered, getting higher education, and continuing to be self-centered and career-driven, ignoring the wife and kids while they work 60+ hour weeks to get ahead in their careers. Not that all of them are like that, but that's been the traditional model. What you and Osito are expressing is the epitome of male privilege!
I can empathize with you. I'm in a similar situation, and although for most my life I considered marriage (and even went as far as to get engaged), nonetheless I had never wanted children. Things have changed recently, and now I do find myself wishing so much for a family. Yet the clock is ticking away for me with being half-way to 33. Now if I were in a relationship already, I would not be so worried; but as you know finding someone is so difficult (especially so for me since I have specific standards and do not plan on settling).
Nevertheless, marriage just may not be what lies ahead for me. Though if I do remain single I'll always wonder what it would have been like were I to have had a family, I have to understand that if it doesn't turn out that way it just was not meant to be. It very well could be that if I were to have gotten married, it may have turned out a whole lot worse.
I'm very fortunate that I do not hate being single, and that I have interests enough to keep myself occupied. It's too bad that I will definitely feel so lonely at times, but it is good that it seems easy for me to engage in conversation with people; I also enjoy talking to others so much.
I suppose it is also fortunate that I do love someone (not in a romantic sense for there was never a chance for a romantic relationship), but this is my driving force in this world and is what motivates me in it: to learn all I can about them and to cherish their memory. Having a passion seems to instill within one something magnetic which seems to draw others to them; I'm so fortunate to have found out about this person because they led me to so much, and their life is the only thing which is somewhat fulfilling to me in this world.
Please don't set marriage and a family as the only thing which will secure happiness for you. I know such things aren't a choice for you to feel the one way or the other; nevertheless, I hope that somehow you will be able to derive happiness, even if it turns out that you will be single all your life. Though it is definitely my dearest hope that you will secure your dream of being married, and that it will be all that you had wished it would be.
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Originally Posted by brokencrayola
She wants empathy because she wants to be married and start a family and it hasn't happened. You can't just snap your fingers and have a mate to marry. I don't think it is her "choice" to be single. No one should just marry anyone for the sake of getting married. She is getting older and worries if something doesn't happen soon she might never have any children.
Exactly so. It worries me too. But neither do I plan on getting married just for the sake of being married. I plan on having a child only with someone who I can love with this worldly love that I now have experienced. I never thought I could love someone before; I have never experienced the feeling of it before (though a true relationship of it I have never experienced for it involves hardship and sacrifice which I have yet to learn of). Now I know such a feeling is possible for me (though as I have stated not something which I have accomplished yet through any trial of a physical relationship), yet it just may be that such a person whom I can feel that for doesn't exist anymore in the world.
Why is it that society has no interest in supporting or reaching out with compassion/understanding when a single 30 or 40 something woman wishes she was married with the opportunity to have children? Yet when a married couple is struggling to have children they get termendous support and compassion. When you are single in your late 30s and early 40s (and beyond) you (especially as a woman) are faced with the extremely painful reality you might never have kids of your own. And no one cares. "go to the sperm bank", "adopt"...These are ok options for some people and that's great however both choices done alone would understandably be hard (unless you had a support system which many singles don't have). Or you are told "Many people live and die alone"- I was actually told this by my sister in law when I tried unsuccessfully to bring this up. Despite the fact that a couple years prior to that heartless comment she had asked me to pray that she and my brother (her husband) could have kids. I did. They have two now. Where is the support for singles? Why are there blatant double standard?
maybe it would help if you told people what you needed. i don't get any sense of a double standard. i think its in your head. of course a couple struggling to have a child get compassion, because they are inside a process. they are actively struggling to have a child. you, on the other hand, just want a kid. you aren't in a relationship. what can people do for you except to tell you you will meet someone? you can't really expect people to think its quite the same thing. its like me sitting around wishing i had a car and bemoaning the fact and these other people just got into a car accident. my bet is that people are gonna give more empathy and time to the people who just had the car accident. simple as that. you aren't in a crisis, per se.
Don't waste time - if you are a young man or woman and want a family - find anyone reasonable who wants the same thing and have kids. Time will pass...they will grow and you will look back and say one thing....IT WAS WORTH IT AND IT WAS A GREAT ADVENTURE AND JOY...Don't let those who say you are not ready...or can not AFFORD kids - Just do it- It is natural and it all works out.
This is ridiculous. We don't blame women for getting an education! That's not a fault, any more than it's reprehensible for men to get a law degree or MD. Listen to what you're saying guys, this is nonsense! Furthermore, plenty of men and women get married in grad school, or immediately after. Niki didn't happen to meet any likely candidates. That's not her fault. Making sweeping blanket statements like this only reveals your own ignorance.
No one blames men for being self-centered, getting higher education, and continuing to be self-centered and career-driven, ignoring the wife and kids while they work 60+ hour weeks to get ahead in their careers. Not that all of them are like that, but that's been the traditional model. What you and Osito are expressing is the epitome of male privilege!
Get a hold yourself will you?
Did I once blame women in my post? No! I merely said that women shouldn't expect guys to fall over themselves chasing women that are excessively career driven. I have personally dated women like this in and they were self-centered. Not an attractive quality... and I'm sure you could say the same about men.
Furthermore, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting multiple degrees. Of course it's admirable, but again, if your primary focus is pursuing advanced degrees and making yourself a highly successful career woman out there, you're likely to put dating, relationships, and perhaps even kids on the back burner. Is there anything wrong with any of that? Absolutely not... live your life the way you see fit, but also know that in doing so, you will be giving up opportunities in the way of relationships and, in this case, having kids when YOU are finally ready. And yes these ARE blanket statements because obviously EVERY case is different!
It's difficult for women in their 30s and 40s. There aren't as many men our age. We didn't have many role models for attending colleg and establishing a career and even buying a home before getting married.
You might want to understand how we moved from a courtship culture, where dating and courtship usually led to marriage. In a relationship culture, no one knows where a relationship may lead, but it may not be marriage.
My spouse had this "friend" - who absolutely hated me. She actually called me one day and out of the blue said _ " I hate your guts" - This person would patronize my wife ...and my wife would justify the friendship with "Better than no friend at all. Anyway my wife after years finally got rid of her..when this person launched a personal attack against the oldest son..who just became a father.
This nasty lady figured that if she could not have a high quality man (me) - then my wife should be like her...and not have a man in her life. It took a number of years for my wife to figure out this person was not her friend..that she was no ones friend. Some people are just plain jealous -Having a family of any kind is a form of wealth. As for formal marriage garnering respect as compared to single or common law situations...Marriage means nothing...what is important is love- respect loyalty...In the long run formalities are not relevant.
Marriage to some is wonderful...but as I see it today - to seek social status through formal marriage is an old fashioned out of date concept...Much like sending your pregnant daughter off to another city to have a baby like it was 1957...in order to hide this horrific sin of baring a child with out the proper licence or permit.
I have gone through the discussion, and I want to share my views with you all. I think that these days many men and women give priority to the career; they got busy in their single life. May be a woman or man both are enjoying the life but they forget about the woman’s critical point.
Ya, I am talking about the right time to have a baby. It’s not possible for all to have normal baby at the age of 30 to 40 years. I am agreeing that we have few miracles like at the age of 45 a lady has given birth to a child, but it’s not necessary for every lady. So we should take the initiative to get married on time, have a child at the age of 26 to 30 years and then enjoy our life, so after having one child you will never have any regret that you cannot conceive any baby. Always running after the social status can also make you dumb. So take right decision for being happy in life.
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Why don't you get off the internet once in awhile??
