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I agree with those who voted for the invite. It's pretty easy to tell those who are silent due to being uncomfortable, and those that are silent to display contempt for those present.
I have an in-law who rarely speaks. She actually has a speech impediment, and has likely been given grief about it through her life. She is still a nice woman, and she is part of the family, even if she can't carry on a conversation.
Are you sure he's just snubbing you/being rude or perhaps he really does something called selective mutism...it's a strange psychological phenomena, and can be a very real 'condition.' Any idea why he wouldn't talk to you or your family?
Yes, it could be a medical/psychological problem. Would you want your family to not invite you if you had a medical problem?
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Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl
I agree with that response. If he is family, presumably the other family members know about his "issue" and have experienced it before. If you have some people coming who don't know about this guy's weirdness, explain it to them in advance. Just say, "My cousin Harold will be there. He doesn't talk. He's always been like that. Just say hello to him and don't try to engage him. He won't bite you but he also won't respond."
If you said that to me, my response would be, "How lovely that s/he invites this recluse who doesn't have anywhere else to go on Thanksgiving." I think highly of people who have room for awkwardness in their holidays. If the guy doesn't want to come, no one's forcing him, right? So on some level he wants to be there. There must be some reason he's like this. If his family doesn't make allowances for a disability, who will?
If he is being rude or disrespectful that is one thing, however, if he is just silent but listens to other conversations (even if he is sitting on the sidelines) that is something totally different. I say invite him.
PS I also have a cousin who rarely speaks. Sometimes it is only "Hello, Thank you and Goodbye" (or even less) during an entire afternoon or evening but he loves to be invited places and is a really sweet person, just very, very, very shy and quiet. He would be devastated if he wasn't invited someplace just because he can't carry on a great conversation. He is a great listener.
We have a few other people at Thanksgiving, mostly the 15-30 year olds who spend 99% of their time on their Smartphones.
The people on their smart phones 99% of the time are being 100% more rude than your cousin, IMO.
If your cousin truly never speaks to anyone......ever.....than he more than likely has some sort of mental problem and should be excused......can't say that for those on their smart phones.
Those on their smart phones are saying, in effect, "You are just too boring to be bothered with.....I prefer to play with my phone."
The people on their smart phones 99% of the time are being 100% more rude than your cousin, IMO.
If your cousin truly never speaks to anyone......ever.....than he more than likely has some sort of mental problem and should be excused......can't say that for those on their smart phones.
Those on their smart phones are saying, in effect, "You are just too boring to be bothered with.....I prefer to play with my phone."
I guess you've never considered how disrespectful this is to your wife.
Hey, there are times when I would rather be mauled by badgers than spend a three-day weekend with my in-laws. And there are a few times when I opt not to go. But most of the time I will go and I put on a happy face while I do it, and I certainly wouldn't blow off a major holiday. Why? Because her family is important to her, which makes it important to me. I simply cannot be so self-centered that I do not take her feelings into account.
I do but I also consider that it would be more disrespectful to show up and eat while isolating myself in front of everyone instead of just being honest and not coming at all. I'm not interested and I won't be interested so why show up and be a buzzkill? She goes alone and enjoys herself because she loves her family. It is her family and not mine. I don't ask her to go to my family's events (I don't know if they even have events as I don't go) but still she respects my choice though disappointed. She would hate to see me miserable knowing how I am when it comes to socializing. I don't care about her family and she knows that. So yeah, she celebrates major holidays with her family and I sleep through them. It's a win for both of us.
At our Thanksgiving/Christmas family gatherings we actually welcome it. We have so many outgoing people among our family/relatives virtually talking over each other (and the decibel level can be high...especially after dinner if we play Trivial Pursuit or Apples to Apples). Yes, we don't mind a few quiet people to offset the noise factor a little! To each their own preference.
I think you should invite him. If he does attend family events, then he must want to be there. If he was just rude, he would come up with an excuse not to attend like we all do sometimes.
If it bothers you, pass the invitation through his wife, who is apparently at least capable of saying hello, and explain your concerns. You don't know what's really going on there. He could have a mental illness or maybe he does have real social anxiety. If either of those are the case, I wouldn't exclude him from the family. That would only make things worse for him/them. If he is in fact mentally ill, that could make his wife uneasy and quiet at gatherings, too. With plenty of others around talking, there's no harm if a couple of people aren't joining in.
I totally agree with this...
How about you greet him with a big hug and a warm smile and say "So good to see you again!" Make him feel welcome just for who he is.
Thanksgiving is coming up and it is our turn to invite the relatives to our home.
One of my cousins shows up to extended family events with his wife and for some reason does not say a word to anyone. His wife just says hello and that is it. I have tried a number of times to engage them in conversation wanting to be a good host but they act like I am bothering them and go mute. He and his wife is invited because of tradition and they are family. My cousin is completely mute and does not talk to anyone, not one word. (He used to talk years ago so I know he can talk.)
To me someone who shows up at someone's home and does not say one word the entire time is incredibly rude. When I ask the other relatives about the mute cousin they just act embarrassed and say something like, "Oh, he is just shy." I don't consider mute to be shy, I consider it rude!
Would I be rude by not inviting him to our home to join the normal group of twenty relatives for Thanksgiving?
You are right, it is very rude. Do you get a sense from them that they are purposely being rude and ignoring everyone or that they are just quiet and at least showing interest in other peoples conversations etc? I think if it were me I would consider breaking tradition and not invite them and see what happens from there. I had a mother-in-law that married a man that was horrible. He would come to our home and literally not say a word and have the nerve to turn on our tv during conversations and watch what he wanted. We told my husband's mom that she was welcome to come but to not bring him anymore. She refused to come without him, so we didn't invite either of them anymore.
The claim of shyness is the biggest cop-out of all time. It is used to excuse a world of bad behavior. Does this mean you have to be a lampshade-wearing life of the party? Of course not. But if you are invited to someone's house and they feed you, to not speak to them is about the rudest thing you can do short of slapping them.
This a surprising post....... Being shy and having a really hard time talking to people isn't the "rudest" thing short of slapping someone.....
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Being shy and having a really hard time talking to people isn't the "rudest" thing short of slapping someone.....
