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It is a delicate situation, because ultimately, your spouse will side with their family against you.
Seriously? My husband wouldn't be my husband for long if that happened.
I don't join the fight or "make points" (that implies the other party is willing to consider another point of view, and my in laws are not). I support my husband the best I can, whether it is calling out below-the-belt shots or just being willing to leave if we are all in the same place when the argument occurs.
But my inlaws are jackasses and luckily my husband recognizes that. It was harder to deal with when he thought their behaviour was normal and acceptable.
I take my wedding vows quite seriously. "Two became one". Anything that someone does to my husband, they're doing to me, too. I am his and he is mine. Of course, I'm going to be right there with him, good or bad, standing with my man.
If your wife or husband got into a verbal fight with a family member at a Holiday Celebration would you help him or her make their points even if it would anger the family member from his or her side of the family, or just let them fight among each other and stay out of it?
We would leave. Immediately. I would simply take her by the hand, whisper "let's get outa here," and say "nice seein' ya folks, we'll be back when we can't stay so long."
If it was my house, I would simply bellow "SHUT UP" as loud as I could, tell the other family members they can cease and desist immediately or they can leave right now, and NEVER COME BACK.
I would never tolerate anyone outside MY family (her family is outside my family) to abuse anyone in my family. I have no family on my side of the relationship so that will never be an issue, but that BS will NOT fly in my house, nor will it fly with me elsewhere.
That's why we have a strict "no family" policy on ALL major holidays.
I've done this before. It is a delicate situation, because ultimately, your spouse will side with their family against you. These days I just offer my support, emotionally, but I don't have much of an opinion either way. Not one that I am eager to voice.
If that is the case, the spouse does not deserve you and you should get a divorce, immediately. Your spouse married you, promising to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS. That means her family. YOU are her family, now, and if she ever sided against you absent abuse, you should change the locks on your house that very day and hire a good, hardball-throwin' divorce attorney who specializes in men.
My wife is not very articulate and when there are family disagreements she does a terrible job at stating her side of the argument and is usually losing the fight because she expresses her thoughts so poorly. It is very difficult for me to see that she is right but they bull right over her and she loses and is not able to make her point effectively. I want to step in and be a more effective advocate for her point of view.
She would not mind if I spoke up and helped her but I have to assume that that would put me in the doghouse with her relatives.
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Originally Posted by beachmel
This right here!! My husband is also like this. He is so intelligent, but has always struggled with being able to ...gosh, how to describe it just say what's on his mind. It isn't like that when he's just conversing with someone, but when it comes to a "heat of the moment" confrontation, it's like he can't get his thoughts in line and say what he wants to say.
His family used to take advantage of him, all of the time. For the most part, they are lazy, needy, two-faced, lying, immature creeps. He spent many years, doing for them and I stood by his side and even helped him "take care of them". To watch them use him and mistreat him, killed me. He is the kindest, most giving man I've ever met. It is painful for him, seeing someone in need and almost impossible for him to turn someone down, when they ask something of him. It is even more painful for me to see him taken advantage and then "abused" by the people who used him.
I have his back. He is my soul mate and I am his other half. I am the articulate one, the one who....if need be, can EASILY say what he wants to say. Abuse him and I WILL tell you how HE feels.
Well, these are different situations. Clearly the family is taking advantage of a person who has poorer communication skills.
I would not help my SO to impose his views on other people, especially invited guests. He is free to do so but he better accept the consequences. If he can dish it....
If others were trying to impose their views or agendas on him AND I notice that he is doing something he doesn't want to or not getting something he wants, then I would help him out. That has not happened yet.
The rules for us are these: My husband can stand his ground with his family. I will take over with my family. I think that we have an understanding that we are not to impose on other people and if we do, the other will not have our back. That is why I will distance myself. Usually, the "fighters" will see that they need to come back to the party and have fun.
There really are no screaming matches or punching or anything like that.
this is good
sometimes the pot stirrers and fighters want everyone in a heated fight, and essentially, you are allowing him/her to stir the family pot, if more people get involved
the best thing to do, is for that one spouse to take the other person in another room and have words, not to involve the whole family-
my gawd, i dated one girl years ago, went for a holiday meal, and they debated politics for two hours screaming at each other- i guess it was the "norm" for the family,,, i was very uncomfortable around the emotion and hostility,,,but when they left they all hugged each other as if a word hadnt been spoken,,,
kinda weird, yet almost entertaining
sometimes the pot stirrers and fighters want everyone in a heated fight, and essentially, you are allowing him/her to stir the family pot, if more people get involved
the best thing to do, is for that one spouse to take the other person in another room and have words, not to involve the whole family-
my gawd, i dated one girl years ago, went for a holiday meal, and they debated politics for two hours screaming at each other- i guess it was the "norm" for the family,,, i was very uncomfortable around the emotion and hostility,,,but when they left they all hugged each other as if a word hadnt been spoken,,,
kinda weird, yet almost entertaining
That is why I won't get involved. Many of the heated debates involve one person trying to impose their views on others or trying to prove they are right.
The only time I will get involved is when somebody is being abused or being taken advantage of. The thing is that we don't make a habit of being around people like this unless it is little old grandma.
My wife is not very articulate and when there are family disagreements she does a terrible job at stating her side of the argument and is usually losing the fight because she expresses her thoughts so poorly. It is very difficult for me to see that she is right but they bull right over her and she loses and is not able to make her point effectively. I want to step in and be a more effective advocate for her point of view. She would not mind if I spoke up and helped her but I have to assume that that would put me in the doghouse with her relatives.
Your wife is very much like how I am in fights with my family. Growing up, my mother, stepfather, and their sides of the family were abusive and took advantage of me regularly. My SO saw this early in our dating and saw how I lost every single fight (even when I was right) because I hate confrontation and I get really flustered when people yell. I was so used to it, I didn't know how to stand up for myself. He did and, even though that side of my family no longer talks to us, I am so much happier and freer now than ever. (This was almost 5 years ago.) Letting go of that unloving side allowed me to get to know my father and grandparents that my mother kept me from. All of them are wonderful family to me and, like me, would much rather talk out disagreements than having shouting matches.
When my SO fights with his family, I let him do it. He's more than capable and has a very different (stronger/closer) relationship with his parents than I ever had with mine. His dad is like me and stays out of it. Usually when my SO and his mom get into something (they're debaters, they love a good argumentative debate) his dad and I retreat to the kitchen and make coffee. As far as a real fight, they don't have them. I think they had all their big fights before I came along.
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just say what's on his mind. It isn't like that when he's just conversing with someone, but when it comes to a "heat of the moment" confrontation, it's like he can't get his thoughts in line and say what he wants to say. 
