My mom makes me feel guilty all the time for moving away (siblings, holidays)
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I would start by ending the call whenever she starts in with the guilt trip. "Oh, look at that, I have to go. Bye, Mom!" *click* Don't let her pee on your parade and ruin your happiness because she's lonely. Encourage her to join a book club or something and find friends of her own so that she isn't so focussed on your absence. My mother is also somewhat overbearing and a huge fan of the guilt trips, and it's taken me many years to get to the point of slowly distancing myself from her influence. I'll always love her, and she'll always be my mom, but my life is my life, not hers. If your mom can't be happy for you that you're happy, then perhaps it's time to distance yourself a little bit emotionally.
OP, you need to live your life. When you grow up, you separate from your family of origin and create your own life. Don't let your mom make you feel guilty. Live your own life, do what makes YOU happy, visit your parents when you can. Don't get into a discussion with her about it; just tell her you won't be back this year for Christmas.
You are not (or shouldn't be) your mom's life. She is supposed to raise you and let you go to live your own life. You have already visited three times in the last year. That's enough. That's more than enough.
You could be my daughter. I have a 25-year-old daughter and a 28-year-old daughter and I wouldn't do that to them. They live in the same town as me and I still don't expect to see them all the time; I know they have work and friends, and that's fine. I see them once in a while, talk to them by text or phone or Facebook maybe a couple of times a week. I know your mom loves and misses you, but she really needs to live her own life and let you live yours and she should be happy that you are happy.
I moved an HOUR away from my parents and my mom acted like I was moving to another country. Moms be crazay
I'm a mom and I agree. My son wanted to move 2 hours away. I freaked out. For me, the reason is that it's just him & me. We have no other close family. In the end, he stayed home and found a job. But next year, he will be looking into moving again and I am dreading it.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. If she can't accept that you are a grown woman with her own life then she needs to figure out how to deal with it. The problem is hers not yours. So no, don't let her make you feel guilty for living your life and being happy.
It is extremely selfish for a parent to lay a guilt trip on their child for moving away. That child has a right to live anywhere they want and the parents need to respect that. It's fine to miss each other, and even acceptable to harbor wishes that the child would move back, but in the end no good comes from making the child feel guilty.
I'm a mom and I agree. My son wanted to move 2 hours away. I freaked out. For me, the reason is that it's just him & me. We have no other close family. In the end, he stayed home and found a job. But next year, he will be looking into moving again and I am dreading it.
My parents live two hours away from my husband and I and we see them all the time. It's good for your son to get out from under your thumb and become his own man.
I think that it's not nice of your mom to do what she is doing to you. She is being selfish. She doesn't want the pain of missing you, so she wants you to make ajustments so that she doesn't have to suffer.
But parents should be prepared for the fact that children will eventually possibly move away. It's not easy, but children should be allowed to make their own choices and live their life.
Knowing that it causes her pain, you may want to sometimes make compromises. But make sure that she makes compromises also because it's not fair to have one sided compromises. (For example, she can come to visit sometimes and maybe you could sometimes, so it's not just you all the time.)
She probably doesn't like your boyfriend by association (he is the one that's causing her pain because he took you away from you, but there could be other reasons of course)
You are making the right decision. It's only fair to split your time up between your family and your boyfriends. Your mother should be respectful and understanding for that. You are in a relationship that means you must also share some experiences with your boyfriends family as well! And kudos to you for making a big move to another country, you did what YOU wanted!
More than a year ago I left my European home country to live with my boyfriend in the States. I'm 26 now, he's 29. Ever since, thousands of kilometres and 7 hours of time difference seperate me from my family.
I love my family, but I'm okay with that because I love my life here and I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else than here with my boyfriend.
My mother on the other side has never approved my life here.
She constantly keeps telling me how much she misses me, how hard that is for her and that 'if I was smart I would come back'- She constantly gives me a hard time about my decision and makes me feel bad and guilty like if I ruined her life and happiness because of that. I'm trying to stay in touch with them as much as I can, we talk on the phone once a week and I whatsapp with her almost every day. This past year I visited three times, a total of more than three weeks and they visited me here for a week.
The week they visited me here they were staying at my boyfriend's and my apartment and while my dad was totally nice to my bf, my mother was really rude and unfriendly, so right now they're not really on good terms.
My parents are still married so they have each other (btw my dad also doesn't like me being so far, but he isn't constantly making me feel guilty or bad about it) and my brother also lives close to them, plus my mother has a full time job and many friends, so it's not like her life is totally empty.
I flew home last year for Christmas and NYE, but this year I would prefer to stay here with my boyfriend to celebrate with him. I already told my mother that I'll probably do that and she said that's the worst thing ever and I have no idea how sad I make her and everyone with that. Now I feel even worse about it. All my life I always came home for Christmas, and now that I wanna spend it abroad for one time she totally freaks out about it. I even said instead of Xmas I'll come in January or February, so what's the big deal.
I really don't know what to do. What do you think about it? Should I really feel guilty about it or just live my life as I want to? Maybe you even made similar experiences?
Thanks a lot.
You shouldn't feel guilty..like others have said it IS your life.
I can sympathize with your mom though...I know I'd be very sad if one of my daughters chose to live in a different country..Sure it's purely selfish, but reality. I'd be concerned that if any grandchildren were born I'd not have the chance to be there for them, if needed.
I'd also be concerned that as my daughter grew more comfortable in her new country, her visits would become less and less...Your mother probably views your boyfriend as the reason she's lost you to another country, and thus the dislike for him.
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