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I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
You're having an identity crisis and it is perfectly understandable. I predict you will come out the other side - you are simply grappling with "who you are." It is a core, primal process.
I can relate to the angst and my own experience is not even a fraction of yours - but I will share it to show how intensely identity issues can affect a person. I thought I was x, y, and z ethnicity and found out I was 1/4 Dutch. I was devastated, because I put so much stock in being the "x" part of my ethnicity - have lots of pride around that part of it - ancestral and cultural identification - I was horrified I was a significant part Dutch, because of the racism I associate with Dutch settlement . . . I took to my bed and cried about it . . .
And that was NOTHING compared to your experience.
In the end, race is nothing . . . but you have to come to terms with it - and what other people think is also inconsequential, but rude and racist comments can sting.
I think the answer lies in self-acceptance . . . however you are able to come to terms with yourself . . . It will just take time and you are in that process. Good luck!
You're having an identity crisis and it is perfectly understandable. I predict you will come out the other side - you are simply grappling with "who you are." It is a core, primal process.
I can relate to the angst and my own experience is not even a fraction of yours - but I will share it to show how intensely identity issues can affect a person. I thought I was x, y, and z ethnicity and found out I was 1/4 Dutch. I was devastated, because I put so much stock in being the "x" part of my ethnicity - have lots of pride around that part of it - ancestral and cultural identification - I was horrified I was a significant part Dutch, because of the racism I associate with Dutch settlement . . . I took to my bed and cried about it . . .
And that was NOTHING compared to your experience.
In the end, race is nothing . . . but you have to come to terms with it - and what other people think is also inconsequential, but rude and racist comments can sting.
I think the answer lies in self-acceptance . . . however you are able to come to terms with yourself . . . It will just take time and you are in that process. Good luck!
As a black female, I can't really relate to your experience growing up with white parents, but I understand some of the things your going through. We as a black culture can be hard on our own race. Just because we choose to talk/act a certain way or date someone of a different race, we are labeled as "acting white" or other names. I grew up with my biological black parents, but went to a majority white schools as a child and lived in all-white neighborhoods. I was teased and called "acting white" many times, even though I did have black friends. It was not until I went to an all black University that I truly embraced my race and culture.
It seems as though your parents raised you well in a loving home, you were just never really exposed to others of your own race as a child and I think that's important, especially if your parents are of a different race than you. We just go through different experiences as black folks, that others may not understand and never will, lol. To have others of our own teach you about those things and prepare you for the real world is important.
It seems as though you are going through an identity crisis, just trying to find out who you are. I get that. Have you ever thought about (or is it possible) for you to contact your biological parents or any blood relatives?
As a black female, I can't really relate to your experience growing up with white parents, but I understand some of the things your going through. We as a black culture can be hard on our own race. Just because we choose to talk/act a certain way or date someone of a different race, we are labeled as "acting white" or other names. I grew up with my biological black parents, but went to a majority white schools as a child and lived in all-white neighborhoods. I was teased and called "acting white" many times, even though I did have black friends. It was not until I went to an all black University that I truly embraced my race and culture.
It seems as though your parents raised you well in a loving home, you were just never really exposed to others of your own race as a child and I think that's important, especially if your parents are of a different race than you. We just go through different experiences as black folks, that others may not understand and never will, lol. To have others of our own teach you about those things and prepare you for the real world is important.
It seems as though you are going through an identity crisis, just trying to find out who you are. I get that. Have you ever thought about (or is it possible) for you to contact your biological parents or any blood relatives?
Thanks for sharing your own experience. It's something I can relate with.
And when I was a teenager my parents wanted to tell me about my biological parents but I didn't want to hear any of it. At the time I told myself it was because my adopted parents would always be my real parents and that was that, but when I look back in retrospect, it was because I was afraid in all honesty.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm a black college student, and I've been raised by my bio parents. I've been accused of "talking white". I disagree with that because I speak English properly. Hence, why I'm more comfortable in a majority white town than a majority black one.
Is it possible for you to go to an HBCU or move to an area with more blacks, such as Houston or Atlanta? I've had a few black friends who were adopted and raised by whites. I hope everything turns out well!
first of all, no matter the color or culture, its the character of the person that is the most important...
so, overall, if you grew up in a loving home, accepting community,,(going to college),,then thats a success,,,,thats been the goal forever.
you go to a university and the labels and stereotypes start flying around,
one of the best gifts a parent can give to a child is confidence- if you are confident in yourself- then allow no one to take away from that-
you are going to college- first and foremost, focus on your studies and get a degree. define your own success, and never allow anyone to detract from it..
Is it possible for you to go to an HBCU or move to an area with more blacks, such as Houston or Atlanta? I've had a few black friends who were adopted and raised by whites. I hope everything turns out well!
If he's in England, Houston or Atlanta might be a real culture shock.
So you now are distancing your parents because of this? That has more to say about your character than any comments made to you by blacks or whites.
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