I'm black - I was adopted by a white family when I was a baby and now feeling like I don't belong (dynamics, feel)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Along with all the very,very thoughtful responses to this insofar as the racial aspect, let me just add another ingredient in your stew: your age. As previously noted you are exactly at the age that one tries to start to define oneself as an adult apart from parents & this manifests in many ways. Some of us rebel against our family's religious beliefs, or politics, or career expectations, etc.,... At university we are also typically apart from not only our home for the first extended time, but also our long time friends. It's all new & we are supposed to be focusing on our studies & future careers at the same time & this builds up as anxiety & identity issues sometimes.
We experiment with things that we find interesting, this is around the age where people typically experiment sexually, with drugs, join spiritual/political movements. Hang in there, work through this without burning bridges, it may take a long time to resolve your racial issues, just focus on finding who your real friends are doing this.
Gotta say it. My brother and his wife are in the same boat as your parents. Their amazing son from Ethiopia is four years old now.
I don't relate very well to your identity issue. Not because I am not empathetic, but rather because I cannot relate. So I will avoid the pat judgments here.
To me, the people with whom I can relate however, are your parents. To me, adoptive parents are very special people. They don't love because a child is their genetic progeny. Instead, they choose to love and to shower their attention, devotion, and caring on a child who, over time, may not share their DNA, but definitely share so much more.
In that sense, remember this through all phases of your search for identity. The couple who have been your parents adore you beyond the reaches of your imagination. They have sacrificed for you. They have worried over you. They have given you their all, their very best. You are part of them and they are part of you, no matter what you might think at the moment. Only when you become a parent yourself will you come to really understand this.
So think how painful it will be for them if you deliberately put distance between you and them. No, I'm not talking about the normal detachment that comes when an adult child lives life on his or her own. Instead, I'm talking about something different. Trust me. Your father still craves those long conversations because he loves you so very much. Your mother still wants to spend time with you. On one level, that's the pain of parenting. You help shape a person until he is ready to leave. That much is expected.
On the other hand, deliberately estranging oneself from the people who love you without limits simply because you're not sure of your identity inflicts a different kind of wound. So I hope that, whatever choice you make, you keep that in mind.
I'm a black male raised by black parents with a middle class upbringing and I have heard some of the same insults growing up. Heck, even today sometimes people make comments.
The bottom line is that your experience is completely out of line and different than the experience of most blacks that live in this country. IMO this is a good thing because tunnel vision or a homogeneous life experience has rarely, if ever been a good thing for any group of people.
Some other people have a difficult time understanding your experience (to put it lightly). I would bet that most of the people who do make angry comments to you lack the breadth of perspective or knowledge to articulate why they find you (rather, your very existence disturbing).
The folks who are capable of doing so would be far less likely to antagonize you right off the bat without learning a little bit about you first (though, they might still talk some smack within their own social group).
Unlike you, I don't feel completely disconnected from what I call the 'stereotypical black experience'... mostly because i have family, cousins, friends and many other people around me who are black that I talk to and share experiences with.
A good upbringing without emotional baggage is nothing to be ashamed of (no matter what the race of your parents). A lot of people would trade their personal history for yours... and I certainly dont' think its anything to develop an inferiority complex over.
My reccomendation? Embrace your individuality. Own it and use it to carve out your own identity. There are other blacks (or even mixed folks) who have grown up in upper class or upper middle class whose upbringing is close to yours. Dont' forget that our sitting president (Obama at the time of this post) is mixed as was raised by a mostly caucasian family.
If you can't find a community near you where people share similar experiences and situations to yours then go online. If you still can't find anything online (which I doubt), then start your own community and reach out.
Last, but not least... most of the people in nightclubs are douchebags. Their entire purpose in ragging on you is to make themselves look better in comparison (inwardly or outwardly). Its high school all over again in there, including the maturity level. Try finding other nightlife activities (salsa dancing?).
I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
You need to grow up & accept your diversity. How do you think your parents feel? You are ignoring your adoptive parents & making them feel bad because they are of a different color than you. So how are you any different from the people mistreating you? We hardly fit into our own biological families. We are either too fat, too thin, too dumb, too head strong, too smart,....it takes all kinds to make up a family. Stop focusing so much on the color of your skin. Wear it with pride & stop feeling sorry for yourself. Travel outside usa to a third world country to experience the "real" world. You will come back a better person & start taking your issues in stride. I am not downplaying your issues. They will never go away but when you experience bigger miseries then you will realize that you have a better life than most people in the world. Get out of your comfort zone & volunteer for the needy. Work at a soup kitchen, hospitals, disaster zones, etc. to understand the human suffering. Perhaps your pain will ease.
I moved to usa from a third world country. I am brown female. I felt very discriminated in my home country but I blend in so well in usa. Sure there are remarks about my ethnicity, racist comments, discrimination for being a woman. But I would take this everyday but never go back home. In my home country the matrimonial ads (for arranged marriages) in newspapers clearly emphasize on the color of the skin. They prefer fair skinned brides. Brown, black shades are undesirable. You will get selected & promoted for a job based on your caste (religious denomination). If you marry outside your caste or religion, your family will kill you or atleast disown you for life. Not saying this is 100% of population but its very common & accepted in that culture. Women walk very carefully in public & often put a book against our chests because women get molested a lot in public. Gang rapes & murders are very common. Political unrests, gang wars are an everyday occurrence. You fear for your safety everyday. The world outside usa is terrible & you need to witness it atleast once. You will realize how blessed you are to be born & raised here. That's why you have so many immigrants here who risk their lives to migrate here. Its not about the money, but human rights, safety & respect. Racism will never end but you can feel less pain when you start feeling grateful for the good things in your life that you take for granted - clean water, electricity, good roads, less pollution, healthcare, education, social services, welfare, job opportunities & human rights. There are very few countries that can afford luxuries like 24x7 running water & electricity. Most of the population is struggling for day to day survival. Atleast you had good parents & were born in a country that provides basic amenities for survival & champions human rights. Stop acting like a spoilt brat & count your blessings.
Your parents treated you as their son. Not their black son. You are experiencing bigotry and racism. As parents we do not wish to expose our children to these things.
I am sure you are not surprised in knowing there is racism and bigotry. Did your parents deny there is bigotry and racism?
I'm a black male raised by black parents with a middle class upbringing and I have heard some of the same insults growing up. Heck, even today sometimes people make comments.
The bottom line is that your experience is completely out of line and different than the experience of most blacks that live in this country. IMO this is a good thing because tunnel vision or a homogeneous life experience has rarely, if ever been a good thing for any group of people.
Some other people have a difficult time understanding your experience (to put it lightly). I would bet that most of the people who do make angry comments to you lack the breadth of perspective or knowledge to articulate why they find you (rather, your very existence disturbing).
The folks who are capable of doing so would be far less likely to antagonize you right off the bat without learning a little bit about you first (though, they might still talk some smack within their own social group).
Unlike you, I don't feel completely disconnected from what I call the 'stereotypical black experience'... mostly because i have family, cousins, friends and many other people around me who are black that I talk to and share experiences with.
A good upbringing without emotional baggage is nothing to be ashamed of (no matter what the race of your parents). A lot of people would trade their personal history for yours... and I certainly dont' think its anything to develop an inferiority complex over.
My reccomendation? Embrace your individuality. Own it and use it to carve out your own identity. There are other blacks (or even mixed folks) who have grown up in upper class or upper middle class whose upbringing is close to yours. Dont' forget that our sitting president (Obama at the time of this post) is mixed as was raised by a mostly caucasian family.
If you can't find a community near you where people share similar experiences and situations to yours then go online. If you still can't find anything online (which I doubt), then start your own community and reach out.
Last, but not least... most of the people in nightclubs are douchebags. Their entire purpose in ragging on you is to make themselves look better in comparison (inwardly or outwardly). Its high school all over again in there, including the maturity level. Try finding other nightlife activities (salsa dancing?).
Kudos to this and especially the bolded. People talk about the benefit of diversifying their stock portfolio, but never their interpersonal dynamics.
I believe - and have yet to see evidence to the contrary - that having intimate relationships and experiences with people of other groups (ethnic or otherwise) broadens your entire life perspective and makes you a more well-rounded person better capable of understanding and seeing through the eyes of those who aren't "like you". Homogeneity itself can be a form of baggage. It just happens to be one that most people are used to carrying around.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Kudos to this and especially the bolded. People talk about the benefit of diversifying their stock portfolio, but never their interpersonal dynamics. 
