I'm black - I was adopted by a white family when I was a baby and now feeling like I don't belong (divorced, abuse)
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I assumed you were American until you said you were from England. I just returned from the UK, btw, great experience...
While not in your situation, I can sort of relate. While I wasn't adopted, I'm Asian Australian and while culturally I feel like any other Australian, at times people have reminded me of my race, and it goes beyond friendly ribbing (which I don't mind)...I guess in your case, since you never were that conscious of your race as a child (I was a bit, I wished I was white), it probably came as more of a shock the way some people treated you. For me I experienced a bit of name calling and whatnot but no discrimination or anything...anyway, I would say just try not to let it affect you. It reflects on them, not you. Race is such a silly thing to let separate people. Don't let other people's closed-mindedness or ignorance alienate the most close/special bond you have, with your family.
Black is not just a color. It's a culture. When people adopt a child of a different race, they owe it to that child to expose him/her to his culture, whether it's taking classes in that culture's history, joining groups comprised of other kids of that culture or whatever. The OP's parents probably meant well but they did him no service by ignoring his culture.
This is very normal to feel this way. As much as some people try to trivialize race and say it is just skin color and that it doesn't matter, it does matter. It is a matter of survival (instinct) to stick around and like your own people more. You will feel more comfortable with people who look similar to you. Race is not just a out skin color but facial structure, hair texture, body, and culture. Part of culture is genetic.
I guess adoption alone can be difficult on the child (early on and when he is older) But throwing in racial difference makes it more tough.
I don't have any advice but just to say don't feel bad to feel what you feel and good luck.
I wish everyone just acknowledged that race mattered and each racial group/community would focus on itself and do well and be friendly toward other groups and there could be peace but also respect.
You've gotten some very good advice. I would caution you on trying to define yourself by the color of your skin. Dont ever let anyone limit you. You were raided in a loving stable home. That is all a child needs.
Hell I'm black, raised by black parents, and grew up around black people. I encountered some of the same to ridicule and mockery and at times ostracization for not being "black enough" Let me tell you, you will never be enough for those type of people. To this day, i will still encounter the occasional person who will comment that I'm not the typical black person. What exactly does that mean? I'm too old for that nonsense now and so are you. People want to fit you into their little "black" box are bad enough; It's even worse when you do it to yourself. Dont turn yourself inside out for a bunch of ignorant strangers. Yes, that is what they are...IGNORANT.
Focus on being the best persn you can be. Surround yourself with pepole who are doing the same. You're better off seeking out people of LIKE MIND. You'll be happier and healthier. Whatever you lack it has NOTHING to do with the color of your skin.
I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
This sounds way easier said than done.
But you should not care about what others think. Only things that matter is your loved ones.
If they don't mind anything about your race, why should you?
OP, you're going through some major changes in life, you have a lot to process. It's almost like a sort of trauma you've been going through. So be aware of that, and give yourself space to really process all this, and the emotions that go with it. If you can, try to find a counselor equipped to deal with racial issues like this, to help you through this difficult adjustment. Acknowledge that some major stuff has been thrown your way, and that it's natural to be struggling with it. Try to get some help with it. Good luck.
P.S. It's because of cases like yours that some people in the US recommend against inter-racial adoptions. Studies have found that often in adolescence at some point, the adoptee has a major identity crisis, and struggles to figure out where and how to fit into the world, and how to relate to different ethnic groups. You're not at all alone in your reactions.
I read most of these to try and give some helpful advice that hasn't been mentioned.
The first thing I'll say is take as much time as you need to figure these feelings out for yourself. Because the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter. That being said I am glad you went back to talk to your parents to let them understand what you're going through. From what you have described about them I'm sure they have more relevant advice for you than anything you would gather on an internet forum. I would also recommend reaching out to your natural born parents. It sounds like you may need some closure there. And as much as you may not see it, they are going to have a perspective about being "black" that your foster parents simply do not have the experience to help you with.
I'm a black man 40+. Have lived in suburbia, the ghetto, and overseas. You will always be an ignorant black for some and not black enough for others. That doesn't paint a happy picture. You shouldn't like the way you're feeling right now. But that's how you will always feel when you allow others to define who you are.
I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
You need to bounce, man. At least for a while. Make some new black friends. Your adoptives are awesome people, for sure, but they can't teach you to be black. Go to an all black college or something.
OP, you're going through some major changes in life, you have a lot to process. It's almost like a sort of trauma you've been going through. So be aware of that, and give yourself space to really process all this, and the emotions that go with it. If you can, try to find a counselor equipped to deal with racial issues like this, to help you through this difficult adjustment. Acknowledge that some major stuff has been thrown your way, and that it's natural to be struggling with it. Try to get some help with it. Good luck.
P.S. It's because of cases like yours that some people in the US recommend against inter-racial adoptions. Studies have found that often in adolescence at some point, the adoptee has a major identity crisis, and struggles to figure out where and how to fit into the world, and how to relate to different ethnic groups. You're not at all alone in your reactions.
OP, I can't share in your experience but I can imagine a little of what you're going thru and I'm with Ruth on this. I do hope you won't distance yourself from your parents except temporarily b/c it sounds like you won the lottery on wonderful parents and that's something many of us never had. In fact I'm betting that if you were to tell them some of what you're going through they would understand or at least try to and they would attempt to work thru the issues with you.
Hello, dear
You should be strong and get what the Life gives you. Life gives you great parents and friends who loves you. Talk to your parents.
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