How can I help this person? Possible or impossible? (father, member, holiday)
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My sister lives in another state and hs been in school for about 14 years supposedly getting a PhD. She does lots of things that drive me up a wall when we are together, but I do care about her and would like to help her without losing my own mind.
She is a "know it all" who has difficulty respecting boundaries. When she was at my house recently she went through my purse and pockets looking for an item without asking me if she could, changed the water in my flower arrangements, filled my fridge with food that I didn't ask for and won't eat (I think it was for her, but she didn't eat it either; I had bought her several items that she had asked for but she re-purchased several), insisted that I oil a cutting board, complained that she thought I had food that was spoiling (I didn't) took over in every social situation, grabbed the rule book out of my hand during a game of cards, etc. She seems to have OCD which makes it trying to cohabitate with her even for a limited period of time.
She has also been initmating that she may want to move to my city when she is finally done with school which terrifies me. She wants to work where I work, hang out with my friends, and even said that she would buy the apartment I live in if it were for sale.
I know she is incredibly lonely, and a lot of it may have to do with these sorts of personality traits. As I said in another thread, she travels with a service dog and loves animals-- I really think that this is a substitute for all of her human relationships. She once got involved with an online scammer who she said she was marrying but beyond that, I am not aware that she has ever been in a serious relationship. Her friendships seem to be limited as well.
Our family was very abusive during childhood, and we all have our issues. I have been in therapy for years and trying to work through many of mine. I have been able to build lasting friendships and romantic relationships. I have a great job and am successful in my field. I know that these are all things my sister wants, and I would love to be able to help her, but not at the expense of my own sanity.
For you to be able to help someone the right way they need to be helped, they must first help themselves, which means, setting up their own life and not latching onto someone else's.
You cannot "save" her, you can only encourage her to save herself.
Given your shared abusive background you cannot help her other than to point her in the right direction of therapy for herself.
Speak to your therapist about this - he/she can help you to understand how your are too emeshed in her life to see things as clearly as an unbiased person can on this subject.
Remember, a drowning person will drown their rescuer if the rescuer is not proficient at lending assistance.
Honestly, from your previous posts, I'm inclined to say that you need to focus on helping (and healing) yourself, learning on how to set boundaries and standing by them.
You could engage in a discussion to see where your sister is at and to inform her of the benefits of therapy. But isn't this the same sister that doesn't believe she has a problem, that thinks therapy is unnecessary? You can't help those who do not want to be helped. Even in the OP, there is no indication that she wants real change. A change of scenery doesn't count because she's still not dealing with her issues, it just means that she's bringing her issues closer for you to deal with. And that's exactly what going to happen because your sister will bulldoze you into enabling her issues.
You cannot "save" her, you can only encourage her to save herself.
Given your shared abusive background you cannot help her other than to point her in the right direction of therapy for herself.
Speak to your therapist about this - he/she can help you to understand how your are too emeshed in her life to see things as clearly as an unbiased person can on this subject.
Remember, a drowning person will drown their rescuer if the rescuer is not proficient at lending assistance.
Best of luck with your continued healing
I have spoken to my therapist who says that all I can do is model healthy behaviors for her to emulate. And I have been trying. I have encouraged her to get into therapy, introduced her to my friends so that she could meet and chat with them in a safe environment, opened my home to her and her service dog, given her career guidance when she needs it, etc. I chat with her regularly.
Trouble is, now that she has experienced some of these things, she covets them and wants to take them over. Healthy behavior modeling seems to be backfiring. And she also seems to take this as a signal that I am trying to compete with her: by showing her good and healthy things in life, I am challenging her to step it up and do better than me. She made a comment over the holiday where she accused me of being competitive. That is often how she interprets boundaries as well: a challenge whereby you define what is yours and basically dare the other person to override it.
I can say with all sincerity that I am not interested in competing with her in any way, nor does she have anything in life that I find myself envying. I want to help but am at a loss.
The healthy behavior model is not backfiring. Your sister is simply not interested in following your lead as usual... and is trying to suck you back in the toxic dynamic that she's used to. You need to recognize that and adjust your expectations. Which would mean you need to understand that any "help" from you would be for naught. Just keep living and improving your life. Allow yourself to accept that your sister will reap what she sows, however tragic.
The healthy behavior model is not backfiring. Your sister is simply not interested in following your lead as usual... and is trying to suck you back in the toxic dynamic that she's used to. You need to recognize that and adjust your expectations. Which would mean you need to understand that any "help" from you would be for naught. Just keep living and improving your life. Allow yourself to accept that your sister will reap what she sows, however tragic.
That is the hardest part. I am having a heckuva time accepting that she would choose the life she has because I do care for her. Growing up, I wasn't able to help keep her away from my predator father and my borderline mother, and now as an adult I can't help her to see that she doesn't have to live in their shadow. So I try to just be caring and supportive, but she is so toxic that just being around her is abrasive. The more light I throw at her, the more she is determined to smother it or suck it into her own black hole. Dealing with her makes me feel weak and helpless.
You cannot "save" her, you can only encourage her to save herself.
Given your shared abusive background you cannot help her other than to point her in the right direction of therapy for herself.
Speak to your therapist about this - he/she can help you to understand how your are too emeshed in her life to see things as clearly as an unbiased person can on this subject.
Remember, a drowning person will drown their rescuer if the rescuer is not proficient at lending assistance.
Best of luck with your continued healing
^^^ This.
If you have made a good life for yourself don't let your sister come in and spoil it. Perhaps next visit she doesn't stay with you, either.
You cannot save the world singlehandedly! Your sister is who she is.
Be a gracious host when she visits and make it clear that she is a guest not a bromeliad. There is no reason to get excited about the small stuff - box up the groceries and drop them off at a neighbors or ask a friend to get them. It is a card game Lock your personal belongings - paperwork, medication, purse, ... I had to do it with family in the past. Keeps them honest against their will. No matter how much you want to support her on the spur of a moment - do not let her move in. Please be careful
You can't help someone who does not want to be helped. And some people who say they want help really don't. They just use the line to pull you in so they can continue to use you. As hard as it might be the best thing you can do for your sister is to step back and stop holding her up. Start focusing more on your own healing and bringing people into your life who will facilitate that and get rid of those who hold you back.
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