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For me, once I came to the understanding that people are born that way, and I don't believe that they choose it, once that understanding hit me I changed my views on gay people.
This was easy for me because I didn't have a huge religious influence growing up. I think your parents need to truly get that you didn't choose this 'lifestye'. They may never get there and that is something you might need to brace yourself for.
Just as you choose to change your views toward the church, they too have the right to not change, even at the possible expense of losing you.
Sorry this post is so long, I just needed to vent. I'd love advice from others who have been in similar situations. Thanks for listening.
I'm so sorry your parents are so blind to the fact that you are happy with your life no matter how you choose to live it. My daughter is gay and we not once ever considered her a sinner or cutting her from our life.
I think the best way for you to continue to be happy is to cut your parents off. What do you get out of visiting them? If all they do is preach and harp on you, I suggest you stop the contact.
Perhaps at some point in their life they will turn around, but I seriously doubt it.
Sigh, I, too, am so sorry. One of my gay guy friends didn't have Easter with
his Italian Catholic family bec of a fight with his sis last dinner...with his mom
not stopping it...he is so hurt...they love him, tho.
He's almost 50 now, acts like he's 25 tho. Ha! And the baby of the family.
(His mom knew he was gay when he was a baby....6 other children...)
This is what I would do...express calm, poised, constant love to them.
Politely leave, ("Gee, look at the time!"...kinda kidding around) each and every time they get preachy.
Give them a wonderful kiss on the cheek...smile, go in peace each time.
'Be the love' you would like them to reflect to you.
I do believe after awhile they will get the message.
If you try it, please, get back to us...it may take a few months of visits, I know.
Good luck with this. xxoo
What a heart breaking situation. I don't have anything against religion, but it really bothers me when religious people just can't shut the heck up about their beliefs and accept not everyone wants to be beaten over the head with scripture and God talk every minute of the day. There are plenty of other topics you and your parents could cover - your job, weather, sports, current events, what's new with siblings or other family members. They know you aren't religious, so why can't they just respect that and let it go? It seems like people who are overly religious just do not know how to let it go. It's all consuming for them, and for that reason I wonder how satisfying a relationship you'll ever have with them. Is it really worth it? I guess bringing a boyfriend around is totally out of the question? What if you were ever to get married and have children?
At this point I don't see what you can ever do to make them fully accept who you are without trying to change you. Only you can decide if the pros of having them in your life are worth the cons. But even if your parents are good people, I wouldn't blame you if you chose not to have any relationship with them. I think it would be difficult maintaining a relationship with them when you can always sense their disapproval of the person you are beneath the surface. Best of luck to you.
During the process of explaining the mistranslations and reading within cultural context, I actually sent them some very good, in-depth emails about the subject. They read what I had to say, but refused to even consider what I told them. In their minds, they already knew what was "right," and they tend to view these types of discussions as an "attack" against their religion. It ultimately proved to be of no use.
To reiterate, my parents are good people and I don't want to paint them as terrible monsters, but the depth to which they have become obsessed and entrenched in their religious views has made them narrow minded and completely unopen to new ideas. Sigh.
I'm sorry for the pain you feel over this situation
You sound like an awesome lady with a good head on your shoulders, one any parent would be proud of.
Given that, let me ask you to consider something okay?
Tolerance and acceptance works best as a two way street.
You have called your parents "obsessed", "entrenched in their religious views", "narrow minded" and "completely unopen to new ideas."
While that may be true in your opinion, you would do well to remember that their views of your life are true for them too, see?
My advice to you? Just love them.
This is not a perfect world and they are doing the best they can with what they know or understand about God's expectations of them. If anything, pity them. But don't let their human frailties cause you to judge them harshly. You yourself said they are "good people" and they clearly love you and desire a relationship with you.
Focus on the good and it can in time overcome the bad.
During the process of explaining the mistranslations and reading within cultural context, I actually sent them some very good, in-depth emails about the subject. They read what I had to say, but refused to even consider what I told them. In their minds, they already knew what was "right," and they tend to view these types of discussions as an "attack" against their religion. It ultimately proved to be of no use.
To reiterate, my parents are good people and I don't want to paint them as terrible monsters, but the depth to which they have become obsessed and entrenched in their religious views has made them narrow minded and completely unopen to new ideas. Sigh.
No, I'm sorry. I don't think they're particularly good people. They sound bullying and controlling with absolutely no respect for boundaries, and they are just fine with that behavior opening a rift with their child. That's pretty twisted. You give them way too much credit.
By your account, you are a happy, healthy and successful person. Every parent should be so lucky to raise a child who has achieved that in life. And yet you are being shamed, bullied and harassed and told you are not good enough whenever you spend time with the people who love you unconditionally and who should have your back before anyone else. No, that's not cool. There's nothing about that that isn't monstrous. Religion isn't an excuse for unacceptable behavior. It's not an excuse for trying to undermine your child's happiness.
You gotta do what you think is right and what works for you, but you do know it's ok if you just walk away from them, right? It's ok not to tolerate what amounts to a campaign of emotional abuse. It's ok to tell them that their actions are hurtful and you'll be stepping away from them because of it.
But consider that their rejection of who you are can have a wider effect on how you conduct your relationships, how you view your worth and how you choose who you love. If you're going to continue a close relationship with your parents, I think it would be really helpful to enlist a therapist to help you keep your perspective. The effects of actions like theirs can be very insidious.
Meant to also say, my grandmother was much like your parents.
Her daughter - one of my favorite aunts - decided to never let their differences be an issue. She just loved her mother the best she could regardless and refused to engage in any of the conversations/arguments she could have tried to have with her.
30 years later as she lay dying she told my aunt's long time partner, "thank you for loving my daughter so well". She died in peace and gave my aunt some as well
Always endeavor to take the high road. Doing so gives you peace and sometimes allows others to find their way there too.
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