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You know who I think likely has the least amount of friends? Those who get bent out of shape over every thing they don't like about other people and take things far too personally. My never-on-time friends, and husband, aren't lonely or losers.
(said by someone who is always on time!)
This whole post is a little too harsh, but there is truth in the bold. That is a characteristic of many unhappy/lonely people.
I agree with this post - I personally wouldn't write someone out of my life because they were late all the time. But I WOULD lay out my parameters and stick to them.
And in Lilac's defense, being late isn't one of my pet peeves. I don't like it, but it's not something that drives me bonkers. Other things DO drive me bonkers, though - there are deal killers in every relationship and they differ from person to person.
Everyone has to compromise somewhat in every meaningful relationship, but life's too short to spend it with someone who doesn't respect your own personal boundaries.
My husband is a terrific guy - an absolutely terrific person. But...like you, his brain is chronically disorganized. He is constantly misplacing his keys, wallet, etc. I can't tell you how many pairs of sunglasses he's left in a store or restaurant - and we have to go back and look for them. He will walk into another room with the remote and leave it in there - and then we're looking all over the living room for the remote. He has made up the bed with his cell phone under the covers and then we couldn't find his cell phone for hours.
And please don't anyone tell me, "You don't look for these things - let him look for them by himself." I've already tried that. It's not worth it, believe me. And the reason why is because his brain is disorganized - usually I can think back to where we've been more quickly and find whatever it is we're looking for. Besides that, this sort of thing embarrasses him. It's not like he's doing it to intentionally bother me.
He also waits EVERY SINGLE TIME we get in the car for the little dinger thing to go off to tell him he's not wearing his seat belt. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Actually, he waits till it goes of two or three times. Why? I have no idea. And if I tell him when we get in the car, "Please put on your seat belt," he says, "I always wear my seat belt - you don't have to remind me."
Yes, these things do drive me a little bit crazy. And believe me, I've tried to come up with ways to circumvent every one of them - to no avail. This is because his brain is wired completely differently from mine in these respects. Even in the smallest things - for instance, when we take the pillows off the bed in the evening. I take them off as they "go back on" and lay them in an orderly fashion on the bench at the foot of the bed. Not him. The way he does it is actually MORE DIFFICULT. He takes the big pillows from behind and lays them on the bench and then lays all the little pillows on top of them. Then to make up the bed, which I do, I have to move all the little pillows from on top of the big ones by putting them on the bed, then put the big pillows where they belong, and then replace all the little pillows in front of them. I just don't get it - but I also realize that if I tell him this, it will do absolutely NO GOOD. He leaves lights on and fans running every time he leaves a bathroom.
So - my point is, I guess I could say "Enough is enough" and try "laying out my parameters" but I would be basically making a mountain out of a bunch of little mole hills. He wouldn't be able to rewire his brain anyway. And I'd make an otherwise wonderful guy, who treats me like a queen, miserable and frustrated and perpetually embarrassed.
It boils down to what the MOTIVE is. Usually, the motives of a perpetually late person are selfish in nature. Not always but nearly always.
The above is a great post! ^^^
Is the OP a female disguised as a male? I ask only because most males would consider the fact that our species rarely feels the need to over share. Most of us would choose to and easily excuse the guy based on that fact alone. We know that even if the reason for being late is catastrophic in nature, most of us would not feel the need or inclination to elaborate/share. Most (including myself) would not go into detail---especially if the excuse/reason personal in nature. Also, I would even consider the timing of a BM as a possibility for morning lateness. Has the OP? Sometimes, a BM will hit at the most inopportune time. Would I share that excuse with the person I kept waiting? Absoutely not! Would the OP?
If the OP is male (LOL), why has he yet to consider such things/reasons? Instead, and as per usual, he opted to think the worst. He has written the guy off as just an inconsiderate arse. The OP has yet to consider that perhaps a major big deal interrupted the other guy's day: a BM, a battling wife, a family crisis, etc. Men rarely go into detail or explanation. We usually just apologize and move on.
I guess if the OP is male, he is a special male. It could be that he is just overly in touch with his feminine side. He probably thinks more like a female than male. It happens; there are males like that. If that is the case, it explains the OP's reactions and most of his posts. It would make a difference in perception and how he deals with and sees things.
I'd also consider the possibility that the OP was raised in the South and the other guy was not. Were you, OP? Southerners (even the males) tend to elaborate, gossip, overreact, and talk/share more. Voila! Perhaps that is it!
Perhaps all of us who find this thread and the the OP unreasonable and anal retentive, should consider those possibilities and more. Unlike the OP, we should give the offender and the OP the benefit of a doubt.
Last edited by picklejuice; 11-16-2014 at 10:42 AM..
And that's why he's your ex, right? It's a great reason to dump someone, IMO. That behavior is selfish and inconsiderate when done repeatedly, especially to one's SO
Yep. As I mentioned upthread, in my first post here, it was the straw that broke the camel's back, one more thing that was testimony to his manipulative, self-centered personality. I am not going to respond to others who have commented on this because it seems they did not see that post and are viewing my ex-SO's chronic lateness in a vacuum.
However, I will say that going forward, I will see being late early in a relationship as a giant red flag, and if it happens more than a couple of times in the first three months, I will end the relationship. Also, unless there is a damn good excuse for it, if a man is more than 10 minutes late on the first date, he doesn't get a second, and if it's some kind of coffee date from Match, I will just get up and leave. Between my last SO and my ex-hub, I spent 13 years of my life dealing with grown men who can't get their arses out the door on time. I'm not dealing with it again.
Yep. As I mentioned upthread, in my first post here, it was the straw that broke the camel's back, one more thing that was testimony to his manipulative, self-centered personality. I am not going to respond to others who have commented on this because it seems they did not see that post and are viewing my ex-SO's chronic lateness in a vacuum.
However, I will say that I will, going forward, see being late early in a relationship as a giant red flag. Also, unless there is a damn good excuse for it, if a man is more than 10 minutes late on the first date, he doesn't get a second, and if it's some kind of coffee date from Match, I will just get up and leave.
I actually agree with this - not because it's how I'd personally respond, but because it's something that trips your wires and there's no point in setting yourself up for weeks or months, or God forbid YEARS of constant irritation and resentment. And besides that, as you described, apparently his chronic lateness WAS a symptom of some pretty terrible personality traits. And I think chronic lateness (as in consistently 30 minutes, an hour, whatever late) CAN BE a symptom of a very manipulative personality.
And yes, for the record, being consistently very late (more than ten minutes or so is my personal watershed point) would irritate the mess out of me as well. Maybe enough to sever a relationship early on. Just like mouth noises. I swear to you - a guy could be Prince Charming himself and prepared to give me the entire world on a silver platter but if he smacked when he ate, I don't think I could deal with it.
That being said, my husband was twenty minutes late for our first date. He's not someone who is consistently late, though due to his sort of scatter brained ways, he is occasionally late by a few minutes. He did call, in rather a panic, just before our first date, telling me he was going to be late - and personally, I'm glad I tolerated it, because he's definitely NOT self centered, or manipulative. He's just scatter brained. But he makes up for that - he knows he's that way and it's as much his cross to bear as anyone else's.
But...if he'd smacked his food on that date, I would have totally written him off.
I'm late all the time. It has nothing to do with me being rude. I start getting ready well in advance of when I am due somewhere and something slows me down all the time. It has nothing to do with my inconsiderate. It just is what it is.
Really? What slows you down? Because I am willing to bet that you are either NOT getting ready as far in advance as you think you are or should, you plan your time poorly, or you are letting yourself get distracted by something else along the way. As for "it is what it is," that right there is basically telling the world to deal with it, which means you are NOT considering how your behavior affects others, which means you ARE being inconsiderate as that is what "inconsiderate" means. What some of us are saying is that no, we don't have to deal with you being inconsiderate. The fault here is yours for being late, not ours for holding you to your word when you say you will be somewhere at a certain time.
I actually agree with this - not because it's how I'd personally respond, but because it's something that trips your wires and there's no point in setting yourself up for weeks or months, or God forbid YEARS of constant irritation and resentment. And besides that, as you described, apparently his chronic lateness WAS a symptom of some pretty terrible personality traits. And I think chronic lateness (as in consistently 30 minutes, an hour, whatever late) CAN BE a symptom of a very manipulative personality.
And yes, for the record, being consistently very late (more than ten minutes or so is my personal watershed point) would irritate the mess out of me as well. Maybe enough to sever a relationship early on. Just like mouth noises. I swear to you - a guy could be Prince Charming himself and prepared to give me the entire world on a silver platter but if he smacked when he ate, I don't think I could deal with it.
That being said, my husband was twenty minutes late for our first date. He's not someone who is consistently late, though due to his sort of scatter brained ways, he is occasionally late by a few minutes. He did call, in rather a panic, just before our first date, telling me he was going to be late - and personally, I'm glad I tolerated it, because he's definitely NOT self centered, or manipulative. He's just scatter brained. But he makes up for that - he knows he's that way and it's as much his cross to bear as anyone else's.
But...if he'd smacked his food on that date, I would have totally written him off.
Yep, it was, especially because when it was something HE wanted to do, he would be on time, not to mention that this was a guy who had to be at work in time for a 6:00 a.m. roll call half the time and somehow managed that.
Food-smacking is gross. Can't blame you there. Gum-snapping is my ultimate peeve. Not one second of that can I abide!
Are you late for job interviews? Flights? If not, you can get somewhere on time, you just don't want to.
I am still trying to understand how expecting someone to keep their word is self centered.
It's not. It's actually giving someone the benefit of the doubt in assuming their word means something. When people consistently don't live up to their word, it erodes faith in them in other areas of life. People start feeling, literally and figuratively, that you (in the general) will not be there for them in your partnership/relationship/friendship. They start seeing you as being unreliable, and that is something any adult should be ashamed of, not stubbornly insistent that "it is what it is." Okay, you're a flake who can't be counted on. Your mother must be proud.
I realized that I have different expectations of timeliness depending on the situation.
Work, interviews, appointments: On time
Parties: Up to a half an hour late is ok with me
Meeting someone out in public: I'm ok with them being up to 10 minutes late, after that I start to get anxious and/or annoyed.
It's not. It's actually giving someone the benefit of the doubt in assuming their word means something. When people consistently don't live up to their word, it erodes faith in them in other areas of life. People start feeling, literally and figuratively, that you (in the general) will not be there for them in your partnership/relationship/friendship.
Bingo! This comment is spot-on. It's not about always being late. It's about being a friend you can count on. Every ex-friend I had who ran perpetually late, that wasn't their only character flaw. They were also people who would bail at the last minute half the time when they agreed to do something with you. They're the ones who had "something to do" when you called for a favor, no matter how many times you went out of your way to help them. They're the ones who drone on about themselves all day then start checking their watch the minute you'd like to talk about yourself for half a second.
I've never met a perpetually late person who was, in every other aspect of their lives, reliable and dependent and, in general, a good friend to have. Doesn't happen.
Bingo! This comment is spot-on. It's not about always being late. It's about being a friend you can count on. Every ex-friend I had who ran perpetually late, that wasn't their only character flaw. They were also people who would bail at the last minute half the time when they agreed to do something with you. They're the ones who had "something to do" when you called for a favor, no matter how many times you went out of your way to help them. They're the ones who drone on about themselves all day then start checking their watch the minute you'd like to talk about yourself for half a second.
I've never met a perpetually late person who was, in every other aspect of their lives, reliable and dependent and, in general, a good friend to have. Doesn't happen.
Which comes back to the OP's point about maturity and being a fully formed adult.
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