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I have two sons aged 34 and 31. I've never managed to have a close relationship with them like their mother does, mainly because I worked a lot when they were children and you didn't have all the social expectations that fall on fathers these days.
I divorced their mother 2 years ago and I know they've reasons to be mad at me (I cheated on her and we had a troubled relationship for many years). Still, my oldest started speaking to me again a few months after the divorce. The youngest has proven more difficult.
Even with the oldest, our conversations are just small talk. They greet their mother with hugs and kisses even if they haven't seen her for just a week. I always get a quick business-like handshake. Not that I ever expected them to greet me in the same way but they don't even look at me in the eyes.
I know I behaved badly in the past, I don't have the easiest personality but I wouldn't forgive myself if I get to my deathbed without doing something to change it at least a bit.
My youngest son plays football every weekend and I went to watch his game yesterday. He noticed me in the crowd and gave me a look of awknowledgement.
Take that look of acknowledgement he gave you and accept it as step one of many baby steps toward a healthy relationship. Keep going to his games when you can, keep nodding, and be the man he'd want to reconnect with. These things take time. The fact that you want a better relationship with your sons is admirable and they'll begin to notice your efforts. You can't change the past so just go forward in a positive way.
I know it may be awkward, but I suggest meeting with them, either together or one-on-one for a talk. Depending on your preference, it could be at your house, one of their houses, or at a restaurant where you treat them to lunch. (I think a restaurant may be good if you don't think things will get heated, or perhaps to help prevent things from getting heated by being in a public place.) I would find a way to mention the thoughts you have expressed above, and let them know that you wish to have a better relationship going forward.
I know that this may be difficult for you, but you can tell your sons that you realize some of the ways you may have fallen short as a father, and let them know that you are initiating this discussion with the goal of having a closer and better relationship in the future. I think that it's admirable that you not only realize that you have not always been the ideal father, but want to make amends. I think that if you approach them in an open, conciliatory manner you might be able to have a good talk that leads to improved relationships with your sons. It will take a willingness to hear some criticism, and what they think of your past treatment of their mother, but if you are willing to initiate a discussion about your relationship I think you-and they- will be glad you did, and that could lead to the closer relationship that you would like. Please give it a try, and best of luck to you.
I have two sons aged 34 and 31. I've never managed to have a close relationship with them like their mother does, mainly because I worked a lot when they were children and you didn't have all the social expectations that fall on fathers these days.
I divorced their mother 2 years ago and I know they've reasons to be mad at me (I cheated on her and we had a troubled relationship for many years). Still, my oldest started speaking to me again a few months after the divorce. The youngest has proven more difficult.
Even with the oldest, our conversations are just small talk. They greet their mother with hugs and kisses even if they haven't seen her for just a week. I always get a quick business-like handshake. Not that I ever expected them to greet me in the same way but they don't even look at me in the eyes.
I know I behaved badly in the past, I don't have the easiest personality but I wouldn't forgive myself if I get to my deathbed without doing something to change it at least a bit.
My youngest son plays football every weekend and I went to watch his game yesterday. He noticed me in the crowd and gave me a look of awknowledgement.
What else do you suggest I could do?
There are many/some/(I don't know what percentage) people who believe that cheating on a spouse is an unforgivable act.
To write "The youngest has proven more difficult" seems like you are treating the situation very mildly. You disrespected his mother, and by extension disrespected women, you broke your marriage vows, you probably caused significant pain to all of the family members. If your son is religious he probably feels that you were even making fun of God and God's law by having sex with other women while married.
Frankly, there are some sons, who are in a similar situation, that may totally cut their father from their lives and the lives of their family (grandchildren) forever. I am not saying that your son will do that but I personally know males in their 30s that would.
Just give it time, it has only been two years since the divorce. How many years since you cheated on their mother? If it is has only been three or four years it may take a few more years for your sons to try to start to forgive you.
It may also depend on where your sons are in their lives. If they are married or monogamous, especially married with children, they may take your infidelities much more seriously that a playboy or someone who cheats on their wife/girlfriends would.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-08-2014 at 03:11 PM..
I'd think just giving them time, not disappearing, taking an interest in their lives. Admit your faults. Be honest. Be open to being their friend. Let them know how important it is to you to be in their lives...when they are ready for you.
You may have to give them more time. Sons are protective of their mothers and you did hurt their mother. I hope you have apologized to their mother and to them also.
Just keep what you are doing to keep the door open. It has only been 2 years.
I applaud you for your effort to continue to have a relationship with them. Keep it up.
My first son and I went through a cold period when he was around 22. I continued to call him every week. It was the same, how are you? What are you doing? He gave me simple answers and the call was over in a matter of two minutes.
I agree with tottsieanna, Just keep what you are doing, keep the door open.
I have two sons aged 34 and 31. I've never managed to have a close relationship with them like their mother does, mainly because I worked a lot when they were children and you didn't have all the social expectations that fall on fathers these days.
I divorced their mother 2 years ago and I know they've reasons to be mad at me (I cheated on her and we had a troubled relationship for many years). Still, my oldest started speaking to me again a few months after the divorce. The youngest has proven more difficult.
Even with the oldest, our conversations are just small talk. They greet their mother with hugs and kisses even if they haven't seen her for just a week. I always get a quick business-like handshake. Not that I ever expected them to greet me in the same way but they don't even look at me in the eyes.
I know I behaved badly in the past, I don't have the easiest personality but I wouldn't forgive myself if I get to my deathbed without doing something to change it at least a bit.
My youngest son plays football every weekend and I went to watch his game yesterday. He noticed me in the crowd and gave me a look of awknowledgement.
What else do you suggest I could do?
Seems like you are genuinely trying to be better. Keep up the good work, give them time and they eventually will come around ..
I suspect I might be crushed if my spouse cheated on me and my sons still had a close relationship with him. Earn their mother's forgiveness, and the rest may follow.
Hmmm. A first-time poster with a story sure to ignite passions.
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