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I don't know why things are the way they are. For those of us who have had a hard time fitting in, mastering basic social skills is a must. So, don't give up. Anyway, what is this body language that you display which means comfort to you but signifies discomfort to others?
I don't know why things are the way they are. For those of us who have had a hard time fitting in, mastering basic social skills is a must. So, don't give up. Anyway, what is this body language that you display which means comfort to you but signifies discomfort to others?
I don't smile a lot. I laugh at my own thoughts, but it could be interpreted as me laughing at other people when they are present. I don't like to be hugged if it's just part of social convention. I cross my arms and legs when I feel good. The frowning and crossing my arms may be viewed by other people as a signal that I do not want to be bothered or that I'm upset about something, but I'm usually not.
I picked up one book on social skills for Aspies, and I feel like I need to join a support group. This is old stuff that I've heard, or at least felt, since I was a child. I'm not too far into the book, but I just feel like blasting society for its stupid rules. Why do they assume you aren't interested if all you can say is "um..." maybe you just don't know what to say. Why do they think that just because you don't smile well there's something wrong with you? For that matter, why do they think distracted is bad? According to this book, the natural body language I usually display when I'm comfortable, displays discomfort. I feel like I know some of these things intuitively, but I still don't really think a lot of people get it. I can follow what I think are the rules, only to be disappointed when I find out I left out a major step, and some stuff I just can't do without it seeming affected. I would like some hands-on practice, and, really, after all of the trouble I had as a teenager, I would really like training that would put me in the top tier of socializers, if there is such a thing. I hate the assumptions people seem to make about me just because I'm not the best at talking...
I will admit that it's better now that I'm an adult, but I work mostly with kids, and it just makes me mad how ignorant some people can be! I know that the kids aren't going to change, though; I'm going to have to make changes if I want to see them. I can't get any honest feedback just trying to work on this stuff by myself, though.
I am not an Aspie, but I can understand where you are coming from. The social rules that govern how we are supposed to act in social settings annoy me (not all of them, but a lot of them). Although I am neurotypical person, I have always been extremely introverted, self-aware, and somewhat shy by nature. Never have I been the extroverted, life-of-the party. In fact, I have often been 'accused' of being too quiet and not talkative enough. And in relation to most people that I have met during the course of my 40 years, I would probably agree with that assessment. But I never felt a need to be talkative simply for the sake of talking. And I often feel as if a large portion of the extroverted, gregarious people in life are simply better fakers and actors than us more quiet folks. To me, having to wear the various social mask that society expects us to wear is tiring; I find most of these social masks to be fraudulent and phony, and I often feel like a poser for donning whichever mask I happen to be wearing in a given social situation.
I know how to act. I know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. And I know the 'rules of socializing' that many people (aspies/autistics) do not so easily know. But still: I feel like I have to compromise my true self in order to fit into social society. After all, in order to get by in day-to-day life, we are forced to play pretend: we have to fake so many social behaviors and affectations that for many of us, our day-to-day social behaviors are like a well-scripted play.
How often can we truly be ourselves in a social situation? Meaning, how often can we be unfiltered, honest, without restraint or filter? Every social situation or interaction has an unwritten rule attached to it, and unless one wishes to be ostracized or labeled a deviant, one has to conform his/her behavior to match the rules and expectations of that social encounter.
So, we are all actors. We are all highly skilled actors who constantly engage in impression management and who constantly adjust our outward appearances based on a number of feedback.
The best thing I think is to come to terms with the fact that you just have to be a good actor. Fake it till you make it, or pretend till you make it. Or something along those lines. Be a good politician in other words.
I am not an Aspie, but I can understand where you are coming from. The social rules that govern how we are supposed to act in social settings annoy me (not all of them, but a lot of them). Although I am neurotypical person, I have always been extremely introverted, self-aware, and somewhat shy by nature. Never have I been the extroverted, life-of-the party. In fact, I have often been 'accused' of being too quiet and not talkative enough. And in relation to most people that I have met during the course of my 40 years, I would probably agree with that assessment. But I never felt a need to be talkative simply for the sake of talking. And I often feel as if a large portion of the extroverted, gregarious people in life are simply better fakers and actors than us more quiet folks. To me, having to wear the various social mask that society expects us to wear is tiring; I find most of these social masks to be fraudulent and phony, and I often feel like a poser for donning whichever mask I happen to be wearing in a given social situation.
I know how to act. I know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. And I know the 'rules of socializing' that many people (aspies/autistics) do not so easily know. But still: I feel like I have to compromise my true self in order to fit into social society. After all, in order to get by in day-to-day life, we are forced to play pretend: we have to fake so many social behaviors and affectations that for many of us, our day-to-day social behaviors are like a well-scripted play.
How often can we truly be ourselves in a social situation? Meaning, how often can we be unfiltered, honest, without restraint or filter? Every social situation or interaction has an unwritten rule attached to it, and unless one wishes to be ostracized or labeled a deviant, one has to conform his/her behavior to match the rules and expectations of that social encounter.
So, we are all actors. We are all highly skilled actors who constantly engage in impression management and who constantly adjust our outward appearances based on a number of feedback.
The best thing I think is to come to terms with the fact that you just have to be a good actor. Fake it till you make it, or pretend till you make it. Or something along those lines. Be a good politician in other words.
Sorry for complaining, but I'm lonely. I could use a good friend, but I haven't really even tried because I just don't have a good record. The people I normally befriend are people who are so broken that they couldn't care less if the person isn't the greatest communicator. Sometimes, though, I would like to be able to talk to someone, besides a counselor, who can cheer me up.
Also, stay away from old people, especially those who have no idea about Aspergers.
Have you looked on Meetup for an Aspie social group? I have seen them there in my area. If not, maybe you could start one? That would take some courage but it sounds like you have the interest and the skills.
Remember, no one sat down in a committee and drew up the social rules. They have developed over a long time based on majorities and what seems to work well. Even those of us who would describe ourselves as socially confident send and receive mis-cues and feel like we missed a step!!! seriously!!!!
If you are feeling awkward, you are going to assume you are the one who messed up, when in fact, others don't follow social mores consistently. If they are feeling awkward, they aren't going to tell you that.
The biggest key for me when I was improving my social skills was to take a genuine interest in who you are with and what is going on without you. Too often a topic of conversation comes up that a person might not know anything about. Some of us would think: I'm not interested/not knowledgeable, so I'll stay out of it. If you think: I would like to know more about that, even if only briefly, you can then ask questions that will cue the other person to talk about something that is of interest to them. That almost ALWAYS makes that person feel good about themselves. And sometimes you meet cool people that way, even if you never see them again.
And I think that is another key to a full life. It isn't always about making friends, but more about being friendly. When you encounter people, you don't have to think: I'm never going to see this person again so this interaction doesn't matter. If you can walk away from a situation having made someone smile, or having listened to them, it DOES matter, to both of you.
My daughter, in her late 20s, and I recently attended a festival together. We had a great time. And part of that great time were just brief, random interactions with strangers. One woman, who was just walking past us in a crowd, said to my daughter "Your dress is really cute". My daughter said "Thanks" and just beamed with happiness for the next ten minutes. Did that woman realize how much happiness that one comment made to my daughter? I doubt it. But, it certainly did bring happiness to her.
During that day there were many other brief interactions like that. We sat at a picnic table eating potato pancakes & sausage and just chatted with the other people also eating festival food. One elderly woman told us that the potato pancakes tasted just like her German mother used to make. I bet that because we listened to her, it brightened her day. I know that her story brightened our day.
Was it hard or take a long time for the woman to compliment my daughter or for us to listen to the elderly stranger? No, but it helped all of us enjoy the day.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-09-2015 at 10:35 PM..
I don't smile a lot. I laugh at my own thoughts, but it could be interpreted as me laughing at other people when they are present. I don't like to be hugged if it's just part of social convention. I cross my arms and legs when I feel good. The frowning and crossing my arms may be viewed by other people as a signal that I do not want to be bothered or that I'm upset about something, but I'm usually not.
So What?!
Looking mean should be important qualification to being a substitute teacher.
Perhaps you should try full time permanent teaching?
I don't smile a lot. I laugh at my own thoughts, but it could be interpreted as me laughing at other people when they are present. I don't like to be hugged if it's just part of social convention. I cross my arms and legs when I feel good. The frowning and crossing my arms may be viewed by other people as a signal that I do not want to be bothered or that I'm upset about something, but I'm usually not.
It doesn't mean you bothered or unhappy; shows you're closing off and not relaxed, uncomfortable, self consciousness, self protection.
-They may speak in a monotone, and may not respond to other people's comments or emotions.
-They may not understand sarcasm or humor, or they may take a figure of speech literally.
-They do not recognize the need to change the volume of their voice in different settings.
-They have problems with eye contact, facial expressions, body postures, or gestures (nonverbal communication).
Last edited by virgode; 08-10-2015 at 10:54 AM..
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This is old stuff that I've heard, or at least felt, since I was a child. I'm not too far into the book, but I just feel like blasting society for its stupid rules. Why do they assume you aren't interested if all you can say is "um..." maybe you just don't know what to say. Why do they think that just because you don't smile well there's something wrong with you? For that matter, why do they think distracted is bad? According to this book, the natural body language I usually display when I'm comfortable, displays discomfort. I feel like I know some of these things intuitively, but I still don't really think a lot of people get it. I can follow what I think are the rules, only to be disappointed when I find out I left out a major step, and some stuff I just can't do without it seeming affected. I would like some hands-on practice, and, really, after all of the trouble I had as a teenager, I would really like training that would put me in the top tier of socializers, if there is such a thing. I hate the assumptions people seem to make about me just because I'm not the best at talking...
Counselors:
It depends:
You're A Substitute Teacher?!
should be important qualification to being a substitute teacher. 
