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Old 01-24-2015, 12:08 PM
 
Location: The Pacific Northwest
6,015 posts, read 6,365,710 times
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So I had a friend who I was fairly close with. We met at a New Years Eve 2014 party at a club. We weren't "best friends" by any means but we hung out fairly regularly because we found out we had a lot of shared interests. I found out later that did have a drinking problem and was in AA (this all happened several months after I met her). That didn't change the way I felt about her though - I know that nobody is perfect and we all have our problems.

I do drink socially myself, but as I said, she and I had shared interests that didn't involve drinking, and I really tried to not put her in a position where I was asking her to do things that centered around bars and such. We often went hiking, out to dinner/coffee, museums, farmer's markets, and a few months ago went on a weekend backpacking trip together with a club. We actually took classes together for this trip and planned out everything like getting gear and such together.

I went back home for the holidays, and while I was up there I sent her a text saying we should get dinner when I got back. She agreed and told me to text her when I returned. A few days after the New Year I texted her asking if she wanted to go ice skating with me, but she never replied. Both she and I are sometimes bad at getting back to each other, so I didn't think much of it. I texted her last weekend to see if she wanted to go hiking with me as it's been unseasonably warm in our city, but again no reply. Thinking that maybe her phone might have been shut off, I sent her an e-mail seeing if everything was okay. When I put in her address, a different name - not hers - showed up in gmail. I still have heard nothing from her. She also appears to have deactivated or deleted her facebook.

I'm sort of worried that something is wrong. Besides the alcohol problem, she did have a difficult childhood and I know she had some other emotional health issues. But she was making meaningful strides in improving her life and I tried to emphasize to her that I was there to support her as a friend because I knew she was going through a difficult time. The other thing is that we don't have any mutual friends, so I don't really know anyone who she might be in regular contact with to ask if everything is okay.

I guess I'm just confused. I've never had something like this happen before. She is a very warm-hearted person and it seems out of character for her to just cut someone out of her life. I know that friends can grow apart but this was too abrupt for that. I've tried to rack my brain thinking if there is something I did or said to make her not want to be friends with me anymore, but I can't think of anything. I'm not really willing to reach out to her any more than I already have because I feel like between the texts and the e-mails, she knows or should know that I've been trying to get a hold of her, and if she wanted to talk to me, she would have. But it's all very confusing, worrisome, and a little depressing. Also, FWIW I am a gay male and she knows that so there was definitely not a romantic aspect to our friendship.

Has anyone else had something like this happen? What was the outcome? Any other advice/thoughts?
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Old 01-24-2015, 12:53 PM
 
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I don't know. It sounds like maybe she is depressed and withdrawing from people. Have you checked her house to make sure she is actually ok. I wouldn't take it personally but I would be concerned and try to make sure that she is ok.
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Old 01-24-2015, 12:58 PM
 
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Did you list the wrong year? If you met her on New Years Eve 2014 that was less than a month ago. That's hardly a close friend or even a friend, that is an acquaintance.

Also how about placing an actual phone call? You know talking on the phone can clear things up pretty quickly.
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:06 PM
 
Location: The Pacific Northwest
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Did you list the wrong year? If you met her on New Years Eve 2014 that was less than a month ago. That's hardly a close friend or even a friend, that is an acquaintance.

Also how about placing an actual phone call? You know talking on the phone can clear things up pretty quickly.
Sorry - I meant to say New Years Eve 2013 - so we've been friends for just over a year. I did think about placing a call...but we normally communicated via text so I figured if she wasn't texting me back she's likely not to answer the phone. I guess that is an assumption on my part though.
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:10 PM
 
Location: The Pacific Northwest
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTerri View Post
I don't know. It sounds like maybe she is depressed and withdrawing from people. Have you checked her house to make sure she is actually ok. I wouldn't take it personally but I would be concerned and try to make sure that she is ok.
She lives with her parents. I've been to her house before but I haven't met her parents because they are gone a lot for work. I could stop by I guess, it would definitely ease my mind, but she and I are both more introverted/reserved people and didn't want to be overstepping my boundaries I guess or appear "stalkerish" since I've already tried to get a hold of her. Still I am pretty concerned.
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:21 PM
 
13,023 posts, read 6,227,390 times
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Is it possible that she fell off the wagon? Also, she could be dealing with clinical depression.

Do you know where she lives? Works? If so, is it possible for you to call her at work?

Believe me, I know what it's like to have someone whom you considered to be a friend abruptly cut off contact. It's frustrating and you are left forever wondering just what happened.

As for your friend, I would try to reach her at her home and/or work. If there is still no response, then you've done what you could do.

Stories like this have me wondering what to do if it turns out that someone might be clinically depressed and thus cutting off contact. So many times I read posts from such people who say they're sad that others gave up on them. Yet, often they don't let friends know what they are going through. Perhaps if they did that and said they needed time to heal, people would be patient and understanding. Otherwise, people move on.

I wish you luck in resolving this.

ETA: It appears that we were typing at the same time as you answered the question about her living situation.
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:38 PM
 
Location: The Pacific Northwest
6,015 posts, read 6,365,710 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
Is it possible that she fell off the wagon? Also, she could be dealing with clinical depression.

Do you know where she lives? Works? If so, is it possible for you to call her at work?

Believe me, I know what it's like to have someone whom you considered to be a friend abruptly cut off contact. It's frustrating and you are left forever wondering just what happened.

As for your friend, I would try to reach her at her home and/or work. If there is still no response, then you've done what you could do.

Stories like this have me wondering what to do if it turns out that someone might be clinically depressed and thus cutting off contact. So many times I read posts from such people who say they're sad that others gave up on them. Yet, often they don't let friends know what they are going through. Perhaps if they did that and said they needed time to heal, people would be patient and understanding. Otherwise, people move on.

I wish you luck in resolving this.

ETA: It appears that we were typing at the same time as you answered the question about her living situation.
Thank you for your insight. It does make me feel better. I know she had some issues with depression and had been seeing a therapist, but the last time we spoke about it she said things were improving. She and I also attended mindfulness meditation sessions at a local Buddhist center and she said that helped a lot as well.

She had been working as an independent contractor for some type of firm but I can't for the life of me remember the name of it. I also remember her telling me that her contract was up in mid-December and she would be seeking work elsewhere afterwards.

I just tried calling her, but it went straight to voicemail.
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Old 01-24-2015, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,859 posts, read 6,870,889 times
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You're being a good friend--maybe stop by her house?
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Old 01-24-2015, 06:14 PM
 
4,573 posts, read 7,057,201 times
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I think stopping by her house would be OK, at least then you would know she is OK. A lot of people slip (start drinking) around the holidays and she was also going to be faced with finding work, she's cut off social media communication, so I think you have very good reason to be concerned.
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Old 01-24-2015, 06:31 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,372,537 times
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Maybe she's seriously ill, or got into an accident.

Maybe she's drinking again and is avoiding you because she's afraid you'll be disappointed in her.

Maybe she never did get another job which worsened her depression and she's avoiding everyone.


You are a good friend to worry about her. I really think for both your sakes that you should take it step further and stop by her house. Bring a little note with you saying you're concerned about her and you're there for her, and leave it in the mailbox if she doesn't answer the door.

At the very least maybe her parents would read it and let you know what's going on if she's injured or something.
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